Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Jamie Foxx Trots Out Of Tarzana

SELLER: Jamie Foxx
LOCATION: Van Alden Drive, Tarzana, CA
PRICE: $2,230,000
SIZE: 5,428 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 3.25 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Palm Desert Resort meets architectural style in Tarzana, CA! This 3 bedroom + 3.25 bath estate is at the foot of Braemar Country Club and Santa Monica Mtn Conservatory, has just been freshened to a crisp finish and includes media theater, soundproofed rooms and orchestral wiring used as recording studio and vocal booth, game room, sports court, gym, pool, pool house, great room, outdoor lin'g deck, motor court for about 10 cars, all tucked away behind a secluded wall, on approx. .84 acres & 5400 sq. ft.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: The 40-acre Thousand Oaks estate that Oscar winning and egotastic actor Jamie Foxx purchased back in June of 2006 must be ready for occupancy because the filthy rich funny man has listed his long time Tarzana crib for sale with an asking price of $2,230,000. Actually, Mister Foxx's den (of alleged iniquity) has been listed since mid-April, but all us real estate gossips musta been asleep at the wheel because none of our damn eagle eyes seem to have noticed until now. If Your Mama is being honest, which we always are, we can't take credit for locating this listing on our own. We learned about it only after being alerted by a friendly tipster who asked that we call him The Driver.

Property records indicate the 5,428 square foot single story sprawler was purchased way back in 1997 for $930,000 and it's well known that the kooky comedian has thrown some ka-razy parties here. In fact, back in 2006 the neighbors famously called the po-leese complaining that a nekkid basketball game was being played on Mister Foxx's private half-court. Yes children, that's right, nood basketball. Can you imagine anything less sexy? All that man-junk flying around hither and yon is not attractive and quite frankly it sounds more than a little painful. Mister Foxx claimed he was not home when the po-po showed up to put the kibosh on the game and has said that most of the nekkid dribblers were in fact ladees, a reasonable explanation from a man who has long battled rumors of enjoying the sexual company of another man every now and then. We're not sayin' anything, we're just sayin' that's what people say. As far as Your Mama knows, he's nothing but a full time ladee luver.

Anyhoo, listing information for Mister Foxx's Vanalden Avenue property indicates the entire property has been recently freshened up. And it certainly does look Spic and Span clean don't it children? However, since Your Mama never received an invitation to one of Mister Foxx's famous par-tays we can't say whether we're looking at the creamy beige handiwork of a nice gay decorator if a professional stager was paid the big bucks to clean the bodily fluids off the floors and truck in a butt load of comfortable looking but not particularly compelling furniture. Due to all the rolled up towels, potted orchids and beach balls floating in the pool, Your Mama suspects the latter.

Whatever the case, it's clear Mister Foxx did up and did over this house to be his own private Las Vegas. Listing information reveals that in addition to the three bedrooms and 2 full and 3 quarter baths (good heavens children, what is a damn quarter bath?) the 1949 renovated ranch includes a home gym (which isn't so surprising given the size of Mister Foxx's 40 year old pumped pex), a game room in the basement, a media/music room, and a sound proofed recording studio.

The backyard is a regular resort that includes a large deck along the back of the house for chillin' and grillin', large flat lawn areas for fierce games of croquet, a large rectangular pool with adjacent pool house, a sunken spa and, of course, the infamous half court sport court where all the unclothed sport magic happens.

There are a couple of additional features that stand out to Your Mama.

1. The televisions. There seems to be a boob-toob in every room. The kitchen alone has three...or are those small screens closed circuit? Hmm.

2. The bathtub. Appropriately done in a flesh tone, the behemoth bathtub will easily fit Mister Foxx and several large breasted bitches for some group tub love. Not pictured is an equally commodious and mulit-person friendly shower.

3. The aquariums: Your Mama is not a fan of the residential built in aquarium because too often they remind us of the orthodontist office where Sister Woman got her braces tightened. However, the two flanking the fireplace in the living room appeal more than most we've seen. If only that giant mirror above the fireplace was removed, we might actually be able to focus on the aquariums.

4. The kitchen: Sorry Mister Foxx, but it's disappointing. Well appointed and decently sized, but the speckled granite is dated. Listing information says there are SubZero and Wolf appliances, but that stove does not look like a damn Wolf, not with that puny hood. None the less, we'll allow that this room may in fact look better in person than in the photo.

5. The privacy: Or rather, the lack of it. We're shocked to see that Mister Foxx's landscapers did not plant privacy hedges around the property. It appears to Your Mama that the neighbors can peer right over the backyard fence in some spots. No wonder they called the po-leese on the nood ball players.

6. The pool house: We love it, or the idea of it. Not fond of the beige tile, but we note the convenient half bathroom, the mini-kitchen for pool side snacks and the dry sauna, perfect for a little heated up hanky panky.

7. Parking: Listing information indicates that there is parking for 10 cars, which pretty much makes the front of the mini-mansion a petite parking lot. However, if you're a party thrower, being able to put all the guest automobiles behind the drive gates is a sweet thing.

Now that Mister Foxx will be shacked up on a 40 acre mogul-style estate in rural Thousand Oaks where the nearest neighbors will need binoculars to see what's going on by the pool, the hard partying and high living Lothario can have all the naked basketball tournaments his little heart desires without risk of the po-po turning up to shut down the nood and naughty shenanigans.


Anonymous said...

i can see how this would work.

Alessandra said...

I would be willing to do many things in life completely nekkid. Playing basketball is not one of them.

It looks staged. The decor is fairly inoffensive, yet completely impersonal. And I hate the glass block in the bath because I like a view from the tub and you can always have privacy glass or shades for those times when prying eyes would be inconvenient.

Mike Cook said...

Not much to say on this one, but I'd forgotten how ridiculous the foyer is in the new house - ugh!

How do you take yourself seriously openening your doors to such grossness?

Anonymous said...

Mama, forget the house, you are in particularly rare form today. That alone made this one well worth the read. Go Mama!

Ya think there are engough wonky soffits and unnecessary angles going on here?

pch said...

What on god's green earth is going on with that parapet thing? It looks like someone built this house with a goddamn Lego set.

lil' gay boy said...

I'm with PCH; that faux clerestory's got to go, although without it the façade would be a touch too "Bee-yoo-tee Nails Salon" strip mall-ish.

Hate the fireplace surround in the living room, the trapezoids over the aquariums, and that sad ping pong table to boot.

Don't know much about the area (Tarzana may be nice for all I know, but it just sounds low rent) but for the size of the house and the amenities it seems to be a good buy - a virtually blank slate awaiting a nice gay decorator (or two).

Nekkid basketball? One wrong bounce to your basket with the ball and it's game over, my friends.


Mike Cook said...

A miniature jungle village always springs to mind for me, LGB.

PCH, it's the snap-on second floor. All the rage these days.

Anonymous said...

Sounds like most of you have never been to the home. If you had you'd know for the price - you can't beat the value. It has never been labeled anything other then a bachelor PAD (why are most of you trying to label it as something other - bet you this Bachelor PAD looks better then most of yours..

Anonymous said...

Since when is being a bachelor (albeit a rich and famous one) an excuse?

anon 9:17 - Have you been in the house?

Anonymous said...

are no interesting celebs buying or selling? the past few weeks it's been rather slow & boring!

Anonymous said...

Wouldn't want to live in Tarzana but if I did, there is a 9000+ s.f. house on Palomar for the same price that I would rather have.

Parker said...

Mama, you weren't asleep at the wheel, it's just that we're talking about TARZANA of all places. No one would want to live there.

I was searching for something positive to say about the house and I'm coming up empty. Forget trying to be positive, I think the house is just flippin' ugly.

Anonymous said...

Nekkid basketball...hmmmm kinda gives a whole new picture in my sick twisted mind of 'Rim Shots'...

Anonymous said...

I would like to thank the stager for:
1. leaving THE throw out of this shoot

2. not recycling the potted orchids for each shot

3. finding a place to stow out-dated crt displays

The canister lights frighten me. It looks like you'd need to flip fourteen 'mood light' switches before you came across the one light needed to reach the bathroom.

Is 1/4 a bathroom now a urinal? I'll bet there's a urinal.

Anonymous said...

everyone knows that a 1/4 bathroom is a coffee can next to the bed.

so_chic_darling said...

The style is late period MTV cribs.

Anonymous said...

Mama, what the fuck are you talking about these areas? Stick to the BH/BEL AIR/HOLMBY and SUNSET STRIP.

Even NYNY is gross and if you are a celebrity you shouldn't be in that city to begin with

Anonymous said...

on ho you didn't just swear at mama ^

Anonymous said...

I'm telling.

Anonymous said...

First off, "what the fuck are you talking about these areas"--the whole site is to discuss any celeb/notworthy property ANYWHERE--that's why. The house is one of those plain, think they have taste arch achievements that doesn't stand the test of time or do anything "well". So, it get's unloaded for pennies on the $ for what it costs--you'd have to spend 5 to get that home. So, someone, with the mindframe of Jamie, when he bought it will be pleased. They get a deal for the place and their kids get to have FUN. Not a bad deal. It's no Gehry--but they saved 10 mil and have FUN.

Still playing nice in WEHO, mama's black sheep

Anonymous said...

i drive by this house everytime i visit my grandparents and believe me, its a thousand times worse in person.

Anonymous said...

Tell, tell. (Meow)

Mike Cook said...

2:05, funny!

Anonymous said...


chris said...

a reasonable explanation "...from a man who has long battled rumors of enjoying the sexual company of another man every now and then. We're not sayin' anything, we're just sayin' that's what people say. As far as Your Mama knows, he's nothing but a full time ladee luver."

Well he did make a movie with Jake Gyllenhaal, didn't he?

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

anon 9:44 said

"are no interesting celebs buying or selling? the past few weeks it's been rather slow & boring!"

Well that is because they are waiting for the market to TANK !!!!!!!!

I personally think it is going down another 80%

My friend says 20%

who is right ?

I also told my friend that the market has gone up in some places in LA %1500 since the year 2000

He says to me "are you fucking high ?"

I say to him "look it up on the MLS"

He says "I do not have access to the MLS"


with that said now I know why all of you on here think I am full of shit.

but if you had access to the MLS and looked up condos and homes in the sunset plaza area over the last 9 years you would agree with me that the market has to go down another %80 to stabilize

and that my friend is what the celebs and other high end buyers are waiting for.

the market to CRASH !!!!!!

which is around the corner

first the DOW will go down to 5000 and the median price for a home in LA will be around 100k

end of story

Anonymous said...

I love Jamie Foxx, he's a terrific actor, but this is a tacky house. There is something porno set-esque about the bathroom and kitchen, they're both beige city...ugly, tacky and tasteless. You can sort of imagine someone like Tawny Kitaen (or any other washed up 80s sexpot) taking a bubble bath in those contaminated waters. Oh and I hate the pool; a rectangle with absolutely no landscaping: horrific! Still love Jamie in 'Ray' though, good actor, terrible home owner.

Anonymous said...

Casey Serin = avg joe = 10:35,
Don't you have an arraignment or something to go to? Take your meds and go back in your box by the river.

Anonymous said...

Casey Serin is the most hated person on the internet.

Anonymous said...

I personally think I will be going down on another man 80% of the time I spend in jail

My friend says 20% but even prisoners have standards

who is right ?

I also told my friend that my number of hatershas gone up in some places in LA %1500 since the year 2000

He says to me "are you fucking high ?"

I say to him "look it up on RealEstalker"

He says "I have better things to do. Why were we friends again?"


with that said now I know why all of you on here know I am full of shit.

but if you had access to my internet trolling stats and looked at how much time I spend on trolling over the last 9 years you would agree with me that I am the king of the internet trolls

and that my friend is what gets me hard.

the internet to CRASH because of me !!!!!!

which is around the corner

first I will go down on 5000 homeless guys and get 100k STDs

end of story

Anonymous said...

Average Joe nobody here likes you plus you've been outed as Casey Serin. You have nothing witty or amusing to say about celebrity real estate and you have this rabid fantasy that real estate prices will go down 80%. I think you need some more medication.

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

My 2 cents as a lifetime SoCal resident...
Tarzana and Encino are underated/undervalued relative to H Hills, Bel Air/Holmby, etc.

Less congested, more land, not should to shoulder with neighbor, easy access to westside (and eastside via 101).

Anonymous said...

and to Polly

well it is going down another 40% in the next 2 months, talk to any investor, they are all on the sidelines, so what do you have to say to that ?????

Anonymous said...

here we go again

okay anon sheep fucker


well I know the answer

you were giving daily beatings at school, that is why you have turned into a nerd turd

Anonymous said...

looks like the high end discount is not far off into the future.

and there will be a 40% price cut in LA and NY very soon no doubt about it.

Anonymous said...

and to Polly

well I am going down on another 40 homeless in the next 2 months, talk to any of them, they are all in line waiting, so what do you have to say to that ?????

Anonymous said...

look at my friends. They like me. They really like me.

and there will be a 4% price increase in LA and NY very soon and I won't be able to afford shit.

Anonymous said...

No one important lives in Tarzana. Cool people live on Wilshire near the Beverly Hills Country Club.

My accountant says prices are going to drop 1000% this year and our building is going to buy up the cheap units to keep out the wrong kind of people.

Anonymous said...

Casey Serin = avg joe:

Your question about being abused or beaten at school cuts directly to your homeland Uzbekistan.

We do not beat our children in U.S.A. schools.

You have just verified your true identity as Casey.

Do not ever attempt to outwit THE FOX because you are far too unstable even on your best day.

Get some help man.

Anonymous said...

How I get American girl to make "Baaah" noise for sex? No happy ending for Joe until hear BAAAAAAAHHHHH

Anonymous said...

America does not want you. Our government wants to put you in prison and throw away the key. Welcome to America and our legal system. Soap anyone?

Anonymous said...

Now we can tract your url for the authorities. I am excited to read about your capture soon. I will be in court to watch your prison sentence. Love and kisses from one of your many enemies. Have a nice stay for a long long time. Hope you find some good friends.

Anonymous said...

average joe serin you will end up in one of two places.
1 prison
2 psychiatric hospital in a padded room

Anonymous said...

Leave the donkeys alone please.

Anonymous said...

We dont let donkeys buy in my building. We tell them to go back to where they came from.

Anonymous said...

interesting, the last 10 comments are from the same person, same ip address

so you are a in a mental ward anon ???

how does it feel to get shock treatment every day ???

or are you a 15 year old kid, if so do your parents know what you are doing ???

if you are not in a mental ward yet I imagine you are about to lose it very soon ??

is it because you are about to end up on the streets ????

ha ha ha ha !!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

"interesting, the last 10 comments are from the same person, same ip address"


Anonymous said...

"I am starting to get to you huh ????"

You would have to be getting at multiple people because the posts above are not all from the same person or IP address.

Hey, truth isn't your strong suit. In fact, you live on posting distortions and flat out lies.

But it appears to be getting to you so all the children need to keep up the good work.

Anonymous said...

were you smart enough to listen to him and his fantastic ideas ????

are you now rich because of it ??? :)

Anonymous said...

btw this makes me mad because i still don't have any money and all the good houses are going to be gone before i do

"The National Association of Realtors reported that sales of existing single-family homes and condominiums rose by 2 percent to 4.99 million units last month"

Anonymous said...

Joe! Get off yo azz and git down to the 7-11 fo my Slurpee. I gotz a real man cumin' ova

Anonymous said...

That Casey Serin sure has a pretty mouth. Hope he is my cellmate.

Anonymous said...

anon/fox/juanna man

you are all the same person

you are a sick fuck

btw the NRA numbers are off

you will find out in the next 2 months what they really were

I have many friends in the RE business and they are all starving

not one realtor that I know has sold a home this year

2 years ago they sold over 20 homes each and made millions in the process

they all told me that they took kickbacks made side deals to get the sales and commissions

I told them the black hole is not far away

they did not listen

and here we are now.

Anonymous said...

I am all in one same person head

I am a sick fuck

btw the NRA numbers are off the charts

I will find out in the next 2 months where my family is really hiding from me

I have no friends and all the RE agents wont answer my calls for help

not one realtor will sell me a home this year

2 years ago they sold over 20 homes each and made millions in the process but not off me because I have no money.

they all told me that I was crazy and they did not care to lose the sales and commissions by not selling to me.

I told them the black hole is in my head

they did not listen

and here I am now. Still in my cardboard box with a 400 lb black trannie hooker with crabs. But I lurv him or is it her? She is so fat I can't find it.

so_chic_darling said...

Mama at first this was very funny but something needs to be done.

Anonymous said...

Dear Mama's Children,

We at the Los Angeles Country Department of Mental Health Services sincerely apologize for the behavior of our patient, Mr. Joseph E. Medino (aka "Average Joe", "Ed From Westwood"). Mr. Medino escaped from custody by hiding his jello cups under his mattress until he had accumulated enough to spread and make the floor slippery, causing his social worker Miss Juwanna Mann to slip and fall upon entering his padded cell. Failure to receive his medications on schedule allowed his alternative personalities to escape the crevices of his mind. He is currently undergoing shock therapy and sedation in an attempt to corral his multiple personality disorder down to 2-3 voices.

He was captured this afternoon as he ran screaming and naked in front of the Sunset Blvd offices of Sotheby's International Realty, singing the words to the 1979 Knack hit “My Sharona”. Sharona Alperin, the real estate agent immortalized in the Knack hit contacted the Los Angeles Country Sheriffs Office. Ms. Alperin denies knowing Mr. Medino but does believe he have been behind a rash of crank calls her office received over the past year asking the highly successful agent to write offers for pennies on the dollar on some of her most desirable listings.

Ms. Juwanna Mann would also like to publically acknowledge that she is not nor has she ever been intimate with the patient. She pledges her undying love for her fiancé, Jerome “Killer” Waters.

We regret the intrusion into your childhood,


I. P. Dailey
Associate Patient Coordinator
Los Angeles County
Department of Mental Health Services

Anonymous said...

You should be really flattered that I would take time out of my busy day to write looooooooonnnng comments to help you.

yes really


btw my credit card limits have just been cut waayyyy back

the irs is right nearing my door now.

Anonymous said...

im average joe but i will use a new name and type the same garbage so you will think there are more than one person believing my stories but you are all to stupid to know it is really just me.

There is a possibility that there will be a crash and this is the only site that will let me say it.

I will give two hints that I have NEVER SHARED

1 The Kondratieff Cycle

2 Credit Default Swaps

We are right now in the perfect storm and if it hit it will be Hell.....oh shit...wait....didn't i just use that sentence in my last post as average joe?

i am on food stamps already. The Similarity with my last posts is scary.

Now case closed and let us pretend I am not average joe.

Anonymous said...

Hey good for me

as my foster daddy said

'Steal Everything' you piece of sht

remember we live in a country that can't afford to keep me locked up.