Thursday, July 16, 2009

Listen Chickens...

...Your Mama has an unexpectedly crazy making sort of day ahead of us so we regret to inform that we are taking today off. Not only do we have a couple of paying gigs we gotta get our plate so Your Mama can pay the damn mortgage, we've also got Sister Woman, her baby daddy and their two cute but pathologically vociferous little gurls staying up in the house which means Your Mama has already downed a nerve pill and we are restlessly waiting for Nurse Diesel to arrive so that she can hook us up to an IV drip that will keep a steady flow of gin and tonics seeping into our veins all day long.

However, before anyone gets their panties all in a bunch and start sending Your Mama hate mail and death threats–a couple of Your Mama's kids are such naughty and angry little beasts who could use a good working over with a peach tree switch–we're gonna send y'all over to Russia to have a look-see at The Agalarov Estates, the brainchild of Russian billionaire Araz Agalarov who has more than once been given the dubious honor of being called the Donald Trump of Russia.

Located just outside Moscow, The Agalarov Estates, is meant to be an uber-exclusive and all-inclusive private community for Russian oligarchs with new money burning a hole in their Versace pockets. According to previous reports, the 250 elaborately detailed but architecturally suspect mansions measure an average of 10,000 square feet and cost an average $10,000,000 (US). A few flicks of the beads of our well worn abacus shows that converts to about 320,000,000 Roubles at today's rates.

In exchange for guarded gates, an 18-hole private golf course and clubhouse, a sports complex with indoor and outdoor tennis courts, equestrian facilities, a beach club on the shore of a private lake, a helipad and a 50-room hotel exclusively for guests of home owners, residents agree that they will not shoot off fireworks, keep a dog on the premises (even inside their house), or hang laundry out on a line out in the yard.

As bizarre as those things seem (what billionaire hangs laundry on a line?), most perplexing perhaps is that the ridiculously rich and security obsessed Russian residents who buy into Mister Agalarov's dream development also agree to forgo private bodyguards within the development. Mister Agalarov's reasoning is that with the amount of private security that many rich Russians drag around, his private paradise could easily look like a military installation iffin everyone had their armed Igors and Anatolys trailing them around the golf course and standing sentry next to their cabanas at the beach club. Mister Agalarov has kindly provided a holding pen for residents' private security guards near the main entrance to the development. Your Mama wonders if they'll be forced to check their firearms at the door or if they'll be free to walk around with glocks on their hips and AK-47s strapped to their backs.

Another tidbit we found fassinatin' is that the dee-luxe development sits slammed up next to an impoverished village and Mister Agalarov has spent big on thick landscaping the screen any views of their hovels and laundry lines. While practical from the point of view of a person buying into the development, there's just something so uncomfortable about living surrounded by such flashy luxury knowing that just on the other side of the 14th hole mothers can't afford to feed their children anything but beets and cabbage water.

photo: The Agalarov Estates

37 comments:

Anonymous said...

Neighbors with automatic weapons bother me. People who would agree to live without a dog (just for status) even more so.

This place will look much better in about ten years after the landscaping grows in and the trees mature.

Anonymous said...

The majority of the homes built can be found on Eplans.com

Anonymous said...

Russians with $$$$ = NO TASTE.

Syd said...

I know the golf course is young, but I would have at least retouched those photos before posting them.

It appears that the Russian idea of luxury is a far cry from what Americans expect.

Anonymous said...

Good one, 8:34! Lol!

Anonymous said...

"Russians with $$$$ = NO TASTE."

Truer words have never been spoken! What a tacky group of people!!!!

Anonymous said...

It's true anon 9:21... wasn't meant to be a joke, its 100 percent true

StPaulSnowman said...

Mama; Generous of you to squeeze out the time to leave something excellent for me. I agree with the above poster and would never, ever forsake my wire-haired longbodies for this kitschig, and "dubious" ostentation. I wonder if the Svetlanas will have to make weight requirements like the Playboy bunnies did.

StPaulSnowman said...

delete "me", insert "us"

Anonymous said...

Yes, the laundry on a line is hillarious, I am actually surprised they included that in requirements. You can take a Russian billionaire out of derevnya, but you can't take derevnya out of him. Oh, wait, the estates are in d. Voronino! D. stands for derevnya, of course. The architecture is pretty much the worst the US has to offer, and it can rival some of the pro athlete's lack of taste. However, given next to zero private house ownership over the last 80 years (at least, not the decent type), this is not particularly surprising.

American Joe said...

Please.....how do I get to be an oligarch? Is there some sort of on-line course you can take? To start with no family money and end up a gazillionaire sounds pretty good to me. Do the Russians have property tax?

Genny said...

I love that the development is "set on 320 hectares of rich fertile land". Is there a rule against setting up your own beet farm?

Anonymous said...

250 homes? My idea of hell.

Yeah the architecture is truly awful but I don't think anyone in this country can really mock anyone else. Some parts of America are just as bad!

:{} avg joe said...

I would say in a year the russian govt will bail them all out all over the globe

what a crock

btw I noticed that in 1998 in BH, Manhattan, NY it was 50-100 per sqft for a penthouse, mansion, estate

now that same area, place is 900 sqft

so does that mean that real estate asking prices have gone up 900% ?

also on luxist there is a lady that is trying to sell her 10,000 sqft mansion in pacific heights for 35MM although she bought it for 7MM a few years ago, what will it take to go back to 1998 pricing ??? we all know it will all get back to that in 2013, but why wait ???? I am getting tired of renting but there is no way I will over pay by 90%, I just can't

9:21 said...

Um, 9:23, I was AGREEING with that poster. I know it wasn't a joke. Russians are tacky.

Anonymous said...

Orlando Bloom's house was burglarized. Saw it on the news. Didn't remember from Mama's story about the house that is was formerly owned by Helen Reddy?

gregory said...

looks like a typical golf community of poorly built mcmanisons. The homes are not even what I would call big

Anonymous said...

Are you sure this is Russia? It looks like Franklin Lakes NJ where they filmed those Catty woman "Real Housewives of NJ" You know what they say Mama... People with bad taste tend to have a lot of it!!!
Nice post!

nowhereaz said...

Well, chicken, if you ever need a place to stay to get away from it all...

Anonymous said...

OMG! I did a double-take. I thought that Fleur de Lys had been sold and the back re-done with a "modern-twist". Still...just an ugly pile.

Anonymous said...

Nurse Diesel: That awesome character created by Cloris Leachman in Mel Brooks's film High Anxiety. Love it.

Anonymous said...

it rude to act like its something russian and only russian... as the pervious commenter pointed out these are all plans by national plan companies that are built all over the US... the neighborhood is no different than any of the uppity mcmansion neighborhoods throughout most of the wealthy US areas... in fact... im sure you can drive through alot of the US areas and find the exact same house.

angeleyes said...

Architecture aside, I'm mystified as to why the developer of a brand new luxe community chose to build the houses within a few feet of the street, literally. There's no reason for it that I can determine, and no justification for it in the 8 figure price range.

sandpiper said...

Woah Mama! At first glance I thought this was sited on The Bishops Ave.

Anonymous said...

hey 8:34...where on eplans do you find these russian houses?

Anonymous said...

Look at the master plan of the development -
http://www.agalarovestates.com/?realm=master_plan
You would have to build a lot fewer houses if you want a longer driveway. Plus, I am not sure Russian tradition of luxury inludes a long driveway (and hey, I grew up in Russia) - in fact, having a single family home is luxury enough. Most Russian country homes historically had large backyards (ogorod), used as kitchen gardens, so it's not like you are going to find a choice of country homes with long driveways in Russia.

Anonymous said...

Believe it or not, but I think I found it on eplans:
http://www.eplans.com/neoclassical_house-plans/HWEPL04222.hwx

http://www.agalarovestates.com/public_html/images/gallery/full/gallery_houses_ae-residence-champletroux_crop.jpg

Anonymous said...

Those two look very much like the first one:
http://www.eplans.com/beaux_arts_house-plans/HWEPL04256.hwx
http://www.eplans.com/neoclassical_house-plans/HWEPL04252.hwx

Anonymous said...

7:23 - Simma down. Just because the houses may have been designed by non-Russians doesn't mean they weren't designed FOR Russian clients using the wishes of the Russian client for guidance. Other cultures have tacky architecture too. But no - I doubt you could find this exact same house in the US.

StPaulSnowman said...

Thank God!

Anonymous said...

ewww - the homes are one big plastic neo-classical wet dream. Obviously Someone with lots of cash got their fat little hands on the utterly un-imaginative house plans conceived at http://www.archivaldesigns.com/ and went nuts. so sad.

Anonymous said...

Your an idiot then 7:23.. cuz these plans are all YEARS old, and have been built hundreds if not thousands of time. That how the architect makes money off of them. THEY WERE NOT DESIGNED FOR THIS PROJECT... he was just to cheap to hire an architect and pay tens of thousands when he can pay a few thousand for a plan.

I have seen many of these plans in suburban areas of the US. Get a clue...

once again, mama' dumb children spouting off to shit they clearly have no knowledge of

Anonymous said...

anon 415, think you were talking to anon 1158

who doesn't know what they are talking about because all of these plans are built and were designed and built in the US far before this development was even an idea.

Anonymous said...

Oh, c'mon. These are from eplans exatly to the stupid arches over the wing garages (I mean, who even does wind garages like that?). And it has a circular master bath and two toilets in a small room in master bath. Eweeuuu.... Obviously, there are quie a few built in the US. Probably, in Texas.

Anonymous said...

Does anyone else think the pics on this site were taken by a second grader?

Anonymous said...

The main structure looks like a mental institution or orphanage which should come in handy for future use when Russia's economic boom turns to big time bust.

Anonymous said...

About the eplans comment I believe it one of the dark brick homes there is one identical to it not far from my house!!!Must be an internationally loved plan. This homes are boring gaudy russians arent as fun as they used to be.