Thursday, July 23, 2009

Brian Austin Green's House of Nooks and Crannies

SELLER: Brian Austin Green
LOCATION: Woodrow Wilson Drive, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $2,395,000
SIZE: 3,374 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 3.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Set back from the street and sited on a gated and private knoll is this incredibly charming 1920's English Tudor. Character and warmth abound as features including oak floors throughout and beamed ceilings enhance all rooms as follows: Living room, kitchen, dining and family rooms, master suite plus 3 additional bedrooms and 2.5 baths. The grounds feature patios, pathways and an inviting pool. Very special.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Since Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter currently have very limited access to the interweb we had only a few minutes to scour new listings yesterday afternoon but quickly honed in on a Tudor style domicile on Los Angeles' celebrity lined Woodrow Wilson Drive that is listed at $2,395,000 and owned by oft over-looked actor Brian Austin Green.

While Your Mama can't think of a single boob-toob program or motion picture that Mister Green appeared in besides his stint as David Silver on the original Beverly Hills 90210, his re-zoo-may shows he's been a bizzy beaver since the program ended in 2000. In addition to an uncredited role in 2008 as a "Party Guest" in How to Lose Friends and Alienate People, he has also appeared in regular and recurring roles on Stacey Stone, Freddie, and Terminator: The Sarah Conner Chronicles. Your Mama confesses we has never heard of nor seen any of those programs but that don't really mean a thing since we tend to stick to PBS, CNN and The Real Housewives of Any City. Oooo children, after seeing them previews of that arrogant and broke ladee yanking on the wig of the white woman who may or may not have had some kind of cancer that caused her to lose her hair, Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter can hardly wait for them housewife bitches down in Atlanta to start up and throw down at the end of the month. But we digress. Interweb sources also indicate Mister Green has also long dabbled in the music bidness and, rather bizarrely, released a universally panned rap album in the mid-1990s. That's right chickens, rap.

Property records reveal that Mister Green scooped up his house in the hills in March of 2001 when he paid $1,650,000 for the corner property that sits just a few doors down from the house Jake Gyllenhaal calls home when he's not living in sin out in Brentwood with his ladee-friend Reese Witherspoon. Mister Green, too, lives in sin with up coming getting too big for her britches action ack-tress Megan Fox who despite her protestations has chosen to present herself as a doppelgänger to Earth Mother sexpot supah-star Angelina Jolie. In fact, sometimes Your Mama cain't even tell the two apart but that might have more to do with what happens when we mix a nerve pill with a pitcher of gin and tonics than anything else.

Listing information indicates the multi-story mini-manse measures in at 3,374 square feet and includes 4 bedrooms, 3.5 poopers and a whole lotta nooks and crannies. The entire front yard of the walled and gated corner property is made up of a motor court which will probably mortify anyone who does not live in Los Angeles, but isn't really so uncommon for houses in the hills, even expensive ones. A red door signifies the main entrance which is a good damn thing since the French doors that flank the fireplace in the living room also open up right into the driveway and could be confusing to a boozed up visitor who is more likely careen towards a brightly colored door than some glassy thing that they might confuse for a mirror or some kind of waterfall.

Listing information for the 1923 faux-timbered Tudor shows a large living room with dark wood floors and a peaked wood ceiling with massive wood beams. The day-core consists of a couple of wonderfully worn caramel colored club chairs and a red velvet sofa with down cushions and a smattering of furry pillows. The living room, and the entire house, lacks art which is a sad shame. However we are grooving on the mirror with the massive carved wood frame above the sofa.

The dining room appears to be open to the blandly renovated kitchen with its white cabinetry and beige counter tops that may or may not be honed granite or maybe limestone. There is a small built-in breakfast nook that lacks a table so it's really just a nook with built-in bench seating. The dark wood floors in the living room and kitchen continue into the media room that boasts a projection screen and some kind of crazy Darth Vader helmet sitting on the side table that would surely scare the bejeezis out of Your Mama iffen we were to pass through this room in the middle of a dark night. Just off the media room is an office nook where we imagine Mister Green and Miss Fox divvy up the household bills. A featureless family room has been "decorated" with a beat up brown leather sofa which looks like it might be a set with the club chairs up in the living room. In another nook is a red-felted billiard table lit by a chandelier so damn ass-uglee it makes Your Mama want to scream bloody murder. Surely Mister Green's budget could have afforded him something more appropriate.

The master bedroom is comprised of a large sitting area and a raised nook where a carved four poster bed has been placed. A double set of curtains closes the space off from the rest of the room, presumably to black out the bed nook. The master bath is a study in beige marble (or limestone or some other stone thing) with Tudor appropriate burgundy bath towels, a jetted tub and a separate shower with a giant window so that Miss Fox can put on a show while Mister Green lounges in the tub.

The back yard tumbles down the hillside and, like LeVar Burton's house in Sherman Oaks, the lagoon style swimming pool sits about 449 flights of stairs from the house. This is a nice way to tuck the pool into the hillside for privacy but it makes for a heart attack when it's time for a ham sandwich because our haughty house gurl Svetlana would sooner run bamboos shoots up into her toenail beds than be chasing up and down those stairs every time Your Mama needs a candy bar or an ice cube for our cocktail. Plus, Your Mama knows some of our less mannered guests like Falsetta Knockers and Carmelina Corn would pee in that pool long before they would schlep their lazy butts up all them stairs just to use the terlit.

It's not really much of a surprise the Mister Green has listed this property given that he and Miss Fox have been spotted fishing for new digs in the Santa Monica area, but Your Mama don't know nuthin' about that. For now.

33 comments:

Dumbwit Tellher ♥ said...

Your humor is the best -
Not such a huge fan of this house as much as you!

Anonymous said...

http://idx.themls.com/matthewmorgus/one-click/photos/photos_addl.cfm?mls=09-385921&p_type=0&addr=7387%20WOODROW%20WILSON%20DR

StPaulSnowman said...

Great writing Mama! This is the worst of faux Tudor. The proportions and the roof are about as Tudor as an Olive Garden. The interior looks like the designer wanted the Japanese tokonoma look but settled on a bed-closet. I am glad people love it.......there is someone for every house....and that is a good thing.

Anonymous said...

I'd never use that pool - too much trouble to get to.

Anonymous said...

Mama, will you please tell us what is going on with that Melissa Joan Hart, her rocker man-mate Mark Wilkerson, and her place up in Sherman Oaks?

Gilsner said...

Oh, mama, today's post totally made me laugh. That swimming pad needs a sign that says 'Welcome to our OOL, notice there's no P in it, keep it that way'. I think I have the same couch as Mr. Green and I should think he could afford better. Although maybe not, depending on how much of an allowance his girlie friend gives him. Kudos to the Jolie-wannabe (I like rhyming!) for dating a has-been, even if he is super hot. (with the em-PHA-sis in that paragraph being on super!) Heck, if they're looking to adopt, I'm available!

Anonymous said...

That bed in the closet thing with curtains is just too weird for words. It looks like something a broke college student would come up with.

Anonymous said...

Oh, I have to admit that I love the pool ... but agree that the trek down to it diminishes it's charm. It's always lovely to see the pool straight out from the living area.

I also have to admit that I find Mr Greene delicious. He was such a skinny, gangly boy, but he's grown up and filled out _quite_ nicely. Pleasantly surprising to find out he's got some acting chops, too, now that's he's older. I wasn't expecting anything more than just prettiness from him, but he's got notable screen presence and I hope we see more of him in major screen roles in the future. Shame to waste that kind of presence.

Sadly, his partner Miss Fox is a classic narcissistic, bubble-headed pretty girl, who gets way too much attention for her looks and thinks that any thought that crosses the space between her dainty ears is worthy of uttering out loud. I liked her - until she opened her mouth and garbage came tumbling out. I'm always disappointed when beautiful girls turn out to be morons. Oh, well. Everyone deserves to be loved, right?

gregory said...

Bland or no thrills would be the word I would use to describe this house.

on another note, I was convienced that Brian Austin Green was gay back in the 90210 days, still am.

Anonymous said...

I don't see what's bland about this place, it's very tastefully done and obviously some stuff (paintings, furniture pieces) have already been moved out or into storage. It's a heck of a lot better than the seedy looking trash bag Durante's putting on the market or the faux "Tuscans" everyone seems to like. I don't know much about Tudors, so maybe that's why I'm not turned off (the inside does have a distinctly non-Anglo look). I love the pool, it's got its own area to cook and play! I don't know what all the fatasses are complaining about, that's hardly a walk down! It's like having a little getaway within your own yard. I'd be down there all the time. I'd keep the house and get rid of Fox. She's hot, but she's a talentless wannabe (hence dating an actor) who does action movies, not real films, but thinks she will be taken seriously anyway. HA!

Anonymous said...

Love the shower door that opens up preventing access to the towels.

The Preppy Pauper said...

Good lord, we are bitter today aren't we? I like the house, decor issues aside, I think it does have a certain charm to it. The stairs to the pool are to work off the "lite" beer children.

Wow we also have a hate-on for Ms. Fox don't we? She's pretty and young and I don't have a clue if she is dumb as a hamster or smart as a whip, but we all know what the shelf life of pretty young things in Hollywood is, don't we dearies? Seeing how long her career lasts will be a good indication of her ambition, if not her intelligence. Good lord, I sound like Bette Davis in "All About Eve". Hmmm, Megan Fox in the Anne Baxter role...REMAKE!

The bed in the alcove behind the drapes is a little odd. Are we supposed to get dressed up in some kind of kinky PVC/Baby-doll/Clockwork Orange outfit and then rip back the curtains for dramatic effect..."Come and git it!" That setup makes me shutter...

Anonymous said...

gregor-eee (12:00) ... sweetheart, why is it so important to you that BAG is a gay? Isn't he ENGAGED to Miss Foxy Fox?

Anonymous said...

His decor looks like it was all bought on Overstock dotcom.

Not fond of the house at all but I do love the pool area- just have to pack a cooler for the visit.

chicago girl said...

Gregory - God knows, I love my gays, but why is it they always think every good looking straight man is gay? Wishful thinking?

As far as M. Fox goes, her fatal flaw isn't stupidity - it's lack of class. She didn't attend Brearley like G. Paltrow. But you can't deny her beauty.

Anonymous said...

I have to admit that this house is underwhelming, but I think that's the point. It has a kinda dignity to it in not trying to be a typical hollywood adobe - just a simple, comfortable home. Granted I know nothing BAG other than fond memories of his 90210 days, but other than dating attention-seeking trash, he seems pretty low key, so the house is kinda apt in that regard.

As I understand it, tudor homes are known for their small, strangely dimensioned [and positioned] rooms and lots of strange, pokey nooks, so it seems to be keeping in style. However, the bedroom thing is really tacky. I'm assuming this little nook was formerly a closet, with the attached sitting room likely the actual original bedroom, and some unfortunately off the mark gay decorator decided that this would make for an interesting addition to the floorplan. Clearly BAG doesn't need too much closet space cause he always has that "I've been wearing the same clothes all week and I love it" look.

I do have to agree with Mama, however, on that tacky lighting fiture in the room with the pool table. Looks like something he picked up at some garage sale in one of the poorer neighbourhoods.

Anonymous said...

Woodrow Wilson Drive. Isn't that the last know address of Jake Gyllenhaal, the phantom (with regard to where he hangs out). Does he own or rent there still, or has he left to take up residence at Witherspoon's place in Brentwood? Inquiring minds want to know. I hope you saw the pictures of him leaving the Hollywood Bowl concert with La Witherspoon. I think the paps got him unawares and he lost his cool. He looks like somebody had just rammed it up his rear end, he seems so furious with rage.

Anonymous said...

Is Megan buying him a new house?

Anonymous said...

People, I'm sure this guy still has plenty of money. That show is in massive syndication, and I'd imagine he's still pulling in good money - his girl doesn't need to buy him a house, although together they could buy something ridiculous. I'm wondering about the swingset.. does he have kids?

Nancy/PA said...

I remember he was the only white guest-host of "Soul Train" and he definitely represented. Then he was in some Lifetime movie where he was a college student who had an affair with his mother's friend -- ahhhh, yummy! I guess I'm the only person in the world who thinks Megan Fox looks like a tranny though, right? Or at least a man-face....anyone? I actually like the house, BTW.

ctkat1 said...

BAG has one son, I think about 7 or 8. The mother is Vanessa Marcil. Hence the nice looking swingset/treehouse.

Madam Pince said...

I don't like Tudor, and I especially don't like this Tudor. Blah.

Anonymous said...

She's a bit on herself Megan Fox to be honest. Dumb as a box of hammers too!

Anonymous said...

"A red door signifies the main entrance which is a good damn thing since the French doors that flank the fireplace in the living room also open up right into the driveway and could be confusing to a boozed up visitor who is more likely careen towards a brightly colored door than some glassy thing that they might confuse for a mirror or some kind of waterfall."

When I read this I snorted my luke warm coffee out of my damn nose!!! Best damn line I've seen here in the two-plus years I've been reading Mama's blog - very gonzo (luvs it)...

Miss Vero said...

Oooh, don't worry 'bout the digress Mama, talk about those Housewives of any City, anytime. So glad I'm not the only one glued to Bravo, waiting to see the wigs fly. Damn Bravo, damn them for tapping into my inner trailer trash, that I've worked so hard to hide...

Anonymous said...

3:38, the photos of Jake at the July 12 Hollywood Bowl concert are the weirdest I've ever seen of him. He's obviously losing his cool in the background over the paparazzi, while front and center Reese is totally unfazed. The scenario seems suspiciously similiar to a score of other celebrity couples nearing the end of their time together, where a man of less celebrated stature can't cope indefinately with the attention that follows his more famous female partner.

stolidog said...

Fox isn't dumb, she's blunt. In Hollywood, blunt can be dumb.

luke220 said...

The garage doors need paint!

Anonymous said...

8:40 Well she looked to be a bit stoned on something (beer?), but two days later she was out strolling down the street looking completely sober for the paps. And then the next day too. He reappeared in public after a few days at a Lakers' game with his brother-in-law and not with her. Hmmmm....you may be on to something.

brentwood/ojai said...

Correction 12:34: They appeared together the next day after the HW concert leaving the AMC theater in BH after seeing a movie together. She was seen the next day fine. The reason she wasn't at the ballgame with Jake and his brother-in-law was because she is in Philly filming a movie. Jake is in Philly now.

Jske is more than fine with Reese's status in HW, it was Ryan who couldn't deal with it.

BTW, Reese was drunk that night, and Jake also was drinking but not as much as Reese and shouldn't have been driving.

PS: Jake finally and officially moved out of his HH home.

Anonymous said...

Nancy/PA : apparently you're not the only one who thinks that, I think she's actually said that exact thing herself

Stolidog: I agree, and I'm not a fan of hers and I'm not attracted to her due to the fact that I'm a girl but I don't understand the level of hatred (some) people seem to have for her

Anonymous said...

it makes perfect sense that Brian is gay since Megan is a transvestite- her adams apple is a dead giveaway and she has even admitted it on television.

Mariafemk said...

it makes perfect sense that Brian is gay since Megan is a transvestite- her adams apple is a dead giveaway and she has even admitted it on television.