Monday, July 27, 2009

Joey Fatone Selling His Own Private Plantantion House

SELLER: Joey Fatone
LOCATION: Kilgore Road, Orlando, FL
PRICE: $5,900,000
SIZE: 12,370 square feet, 6 bedroooms, 8 full and 4 half bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: "Grande Oaks," a 12,000+ sqft privately gated lakefront estate on famous Millionaire's Row. Boasts 6 bedrooms, 6 baths, 4 half baths, home theater (w/ stadium seating), office/study, game room, 10+ car garage, $1M+ resort-style pool, dock/boathouse...

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: After a few days off to take care of some personal matters that are none of any of y'alls bidness we're back in the saddle so to speak and starting the week by heading on down to Orlando, FL where boy bander turned television twinkle towes turned game show host Joey Fatone has listed his sprawling estate with an asking price of $5,900,000.

Mister Fatone was the baritone for the outrageously successful boy band 'N Sync which was originally created and managed by that creepy Lou Pearlman character who is currently serving 25 years in the clink for cheating investers out of three hundred million or so smackers. This was back in the day when times were simpler, when pre-teens, tweens and teens only needed to see a 5 or six freshly scrubbed and polished young men singing in harmony and spinning on their heels to be entertained. Nowadays it takes a bit more cleavage and foul language to do the trick, but that's another discussion for another day. More recently Mister Fatone has appeared on Broadway (Rent and Little Shop of Horrors), came in second place on the enormously popular but terrifically undignified Dancing With the Stars program and currently hosts The Singing Bee, whatever that is.

Property records for Mister Fatone's 4.36 acre lakefront spread on posh Kilgore Road are a bit fuzzy however it appears to our beady little eyes like Mister Fatone probably picked the place up in the August of 2001 for $2,650,000 and shortly thereafter let the cameras from MTV Cribs up in his crib to snoop around in his frige, up in his 53-foot long closet and around the grounds that include a swimming pool complex that listing information indicates cost more than a million clams to construct and makes the one at the Playboy mansion look downright ghetto.

Listing information indicates the 12,370 square foot plantation style pile, which someone has dubbed Grande Oaks, includes 6 bedrooms and 6 full poopers and another 4 half poopers. Can someone explain to Your Mama why there is an "e" at the end of the word "Grand?" Is this meant to imbue as certain kind of elegance? We hope not, because it does not. It's a silly artifice that sets Your Mama off on the wrong foot. In addition to the massive main house, the walled, gated and heavily secured spread includes a second, detached building that Your Mama presumes is the colossal 10 car garage where Mister Fatone keeps one of the KITT cars used on the kitchy 1980s boob-toob series Knight Rider which starred that funky David Hasselhoff guy. Why anyone would want to own a car like that is simply beyond Your Mama's limited capacity of understanding.

A columned portico leads to the front door which open to traditionally de-zined interiors that include a large entrance hall (the children will note how the doors or off-center which is just driving Your Mama all kinds of crazy), formal living and dining room with furniture that looks like it might have been won on the Price Is Right, a paneled office/study with ka-razee red, black and white color block shag wall to wall carpeting, a lurid red sofa, built in book cases that look like they might house all of Mister Fatone's many music awards and, somewhat upsettingly, a built in puppet theater complete with red velvet curtains and gold tasseled trim.

Other rooms, according to listing information include a 30-foot long granite slathered gore-may kitchen with dual refrigerators and ovens, a clubby, paneled home theater room with stadium seating, projection screen and surround sound. Upstairs, in addition to the 4 or 5 bedroom suites there is also a game room/bonus area with a serving bar, a couple of wide balconies for surveying the property and watching the sun sparkle on the lake or spy anyone coming down the drive, and a second laundry room so that Mister and Missus Fatone's Svetlana need not trouble herself with hauling the dirty linens down the elevator to the laundry facilities on the ground floor.

The master suite that includes it's own private entrance vestibule, a sitting room with an adjacent butler's pantry so the Fatones need not schlep down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee or a box of late night candy, a dual-sided fireplace, a sleeping chamber with wood coffered ceiling and some pretty complicated balloon valances, the aforementioned 53-foot long closet/dressing room that features a trio of custom built dressing islands and an utterly obscene marble master bath with separate vanities and terlits, a sauna and a steam room, walk-in shower (aren't all showers walk in showers?), and a gigantic Jacuzzi tub surrounded by skinny columns that has Your Mama reaching for the nerve pills. We think perhaps the nice gay decorator might have been aiming for a Caligula meets Gone With the Wind sort of thing but honestly chickens, it's really an eye-popping sort of uglee ain't it?

The grounds include the mammoth million dollar plus swimming pool complex that includes what we think is a kiddie pool, a beach like entrance on one end and a arching bridge that leads to the grotto area where we find a large orgy friendly spa tucked into a faux-rock cave and an outdoor kitchen/entertaining area with a large grill, fireplace and what we think might be an aquarium. Jutting out into the lake is a long dock with docking facilities including a shed like thing where a small craft can be lifted up out of the water.

Who knows why Mister Fatone wants to sell his lavish and exuberantly appointed property. Perhaps he's grown tired of the water bills and maintenance which we imagine requires full time staff to mow the lawns, clips the hedges, mops the floors, scrub the 10 terlits and all sweep out that garage which is bigger than the entire home of most people. Wherever he may go, Your Mama wishes him and his a happy home.

41 comments:

Anonymous said...

I always loved this house.
I always thought it was one of the best that Cribs ever had on there.

Jimmy said...

It's things like this place, and folks like the owner that make me think getting the income tax rate on the highest incomes back to the post WW-II rate of 90% might be a good idea.

Billy said...

At this price point I have seen a lot worse in central Fla. But the off-center center hall in a center hall colonial revival would require an Ativan on bad days.

Lilithcat said...

(aren't all showers walk in showers?)

No, actually. I believe a "walk-in shower" refers to a separate shower stall, as opposed to a shower fixture over the bathtub, which is what many of us plebians have.

I think there is something very sad about a room filled with built-in bookcases, and nary a book in sight. That's just wrong.

Well, I guess this whole place goes to show that money can't buy good taste.

Arundel said...

In the outdoor dining area, is that a framed pic of the Knight Rider car on the wall? Ugh, I find the whole place overblown, pretentious and tacky. That's a pretty tiny TV for a "screening room" btw. And in the Florida heat, you know the AC is blowing every room 6 months of the year. That bathroom- ridic. Grottoes are sleazy. Oh this house puts me in a bad mood for some reason.

John said...

House looks fine (not for $5.9M, but I digress).

Bad mental images emanating from the grotto regarding boy bands and groupies.

Make.it.stop!

Anonymous said...

I think the puppet theater is a replica of an album cover of theirs about no strings attached or something.

gregory said...

I don't get it, why would anyone want so much house. Does one even use the extra's often enough to make them worth the expensive of having them put in?

Anonymous said...

Damn that front door being off center is really bothering me. Is that puppet theatre depicting the music video for Bye Bye Bye?? If it is, that is soo soo sad!! And scary... and depressing... lolz

Anonymous said...

Joey's wife furnished Lance Bass's place and the similarities with this place are obvious

Class-less

angeleyes said...

There are a number of features this home has which I like. Among the more desirable plusses, the master suite (sans decor and furnishings), especially the 53-foot long closet/dressing room - bring it on - but the columns flanking the Jacuzzi tub in the master bath were a regrettable choice under any circumstances.

I like the home theatre as is. I like the office/study too, but again, not the decor or furnishings as is the case with most of the rooms in this home. I imagine the puppet theater was created to entertain his young daughter, so I'll give him a pass on that.

The expansive grounds and lake location are marvelous. However, despite spending in excess of $1 million on the pool grotto area, it still looks faux, and being the stickler that I am about fake looking outdoor areas, I'd rather have nothing there than that.

'Grande' in Spanish tranlates to 'large' or 'big' in English, so Large Oaks perhaps?? Even if so, applying a half Spanish/half English name to a plantation style estate dosen't answer the question, or make much sense.

Terriffic and entertaining article Mama. Thanks so much!

Anonymous said...

i like it a lot :)

Anonymous said...

I looked at the pics before I read Mama's post or the comments--and I also freaked when I saw the symetrical exterior and then the asymetrical interior--if I have a nerve pill, I would take it!! lol

Anonymous said...

I like it a lot too...Mama's post that is. The house is offensive.

pch said...

What I'll never understand in houses like this is the bizarre allocation of square footage. You get mammoth bathrooms and foyers paired with relatively cramped living rooms and dining rooms. I suppose it could be camera angles and furniture scale, but this place looks like it got everything backwards.

The unintentionally hilarious Spanglish name seems appropriate.

The Preppy Pauper said...

Post financial melt-down, this kind of vulgar, nouveau riche pile seems completely out of step. I don't think wealthy celebrities are going to start moving into trailer parks, but I bet many will be reluctant to invest their money and reputations on over-blown architectural messes like this place.

Anonymous said...

Many of the comments so far have been spot on - I'll only throw in a few things I notice:
I think what one poster thought was a KITT poster in the cabana is actually a TV - a cheesy staged photo at best. At least that's what I hope it is. And in the screening room, while I agree that the TV is way too small, it looks like there is a drop down projection screen above it.

Anonymous said...

I kind of like the outside of the house. Public spaces (living/dining) are tolerable, but private are a way too stuffed, bathroom being the worst. The grotto is not good looking, at least, in the piture. Thanks for a good post, Mama!

Madam Pince said...

Even after seeing so many examples, I still can't get over how moneyed folks have so little taste.

As for that KITT kitsch, Mama: heterosexual menfolk love them some cars. My late manfolk had a photo of some red sports car on his BEDROOM wall when we met. I let him know the car had to go if he wanted me to join him in that boudoir ... and to his credit, it did. But Mama, if he'd had the money, he'd have bought KITT and had a tacky-ass photo of it too.

The Swagman said...

Why do people assume that someone with money would have good taste? They're no more likely too than people with no money!

Anonymous said...

I like the LARGE pool.

You cannot have a large enough pool in my book. You just have to watch out for the alligators that might want to share.

I wonder why he has a nice speed boat and boat house on such a tiny lake(s). I guess he uses it to dock hop to other summer parties?

I like the house but the Roman pillars in the bathroom would have to go.

Price seems fair for what you get.

Nancy/PA said...

My main problem with this house is that it's in ORLANDO. And you guys guffawed when A-Rod's new Hampton in Tampa was featured (or whoever the baseball guy was). At least Tampa Bay is on a, uh, bay. Why would anyone want to spend millions in hot muggy central FL?

Ernesto said...

I'm glad that Mama is back from a restful weekend of reading glossy magazines and sipping iced gin and tonics poolside at Mar-a Lago.

The outside areas of the house are better than the inside. Most of the furniture and window treatments are attrocious and verging on tragic. The exception are the curtains and shades in the bedroom, which are quite gorgeous. However the ugly broadloon and heavy duty furniture do the pretty curtains no favours. The bathroom just goes beyond bad taste...very Victoria Gotti (just add plastic flowers and stir).
Ugly and way-too-big furniture in most of the other rooms with poor judgement in art and knick-knack selection.
The outdoor dining area and pool are just seething with potential. They have laid some good groundwork, but now some attention must be paid to detail. They should have studied the magical grotto at Linderhof castle in Germany, where mad King Ludwig would ride in a shell shaped boat (pulled by swans, no less) and listen to Wagner operas performed live. Gorgeous Murals and dramatic lighting would be a start.

I Have never lived in Florida, but have noticed a vast number of two story screened-in pools there, I wonder what the bug situation is like?

Anonymous said...

Is Melissa Joan Hart moving to Malibu?

Anonymous said...

Oh my god... is that an Anne Geddes portrait over the mantle in the formal living room? It's at a weird angle, but it definitely looks like a baby in a vegetable to me.

::shudders::

Anonymous said...

what a tacky neuvo-riche disaster

Anonymous said...

Dear Ernesto,
The bugs in Florida, especially the interior areas, are atrocious! Screening is an absolute basic need.

Anonymous said...

10:25-
It looks like an oil painting of his daughter in a tinkerbell costume.

JLo said...

This my friends is what happens when a teenager gets handed a few million clams and asks what he can buy with it. Clearly you can't buy taste.

Sandpiper said...

Mama, you slay me. Attempted to reduce my reaction about this tragic decor down to basics but as usual you said it best: Looks like he won it on The Price Is Right. Hot mess, and not in a good way. Très gauche.

Ernesto said...

Thank you 5:45. So if one does not have this screening, then is it possible to enjoy this outdoor space?

Anonymous said...

The house is nice, but the daycor is awful. Why don't these people get decorators?

Anonymous said...

Ernesto, the bug situation in Florida has been grossly overstated, probably by someone who dosen't even live there. Take it from someone who does lives there, and is surrounded by water, and also has a pool. Yes, a pool can be enjoyed here without a pool enclosure, but there are other reasons which make it a desirable addition. The primary reason people have them is so they can enjoy year round use of a pool. They also provide privacy, protection from the sun, and a pool will remain cooler in the summer months and warmer in the winter months. With a screened pool enclosure, the cost of maintaining a pool is significantly reduced by keeping leaves, debris and pesky animals out of it. Hope this helps.

jbeebs said...

^anon 4:43, what is sad is that his wife is an interior designer. I've seen worse.

Nancy/PA said...

Ernesto, Fatone's whole grotto thing is too big to screen in. If he usually spends the winter months at this home, the non-screened pool would be fine. Don't fall for 5:42's sales pitch about FL though -- it is humid/muggy/buggy for much of the year, especially in central FL where this hot mess is.

Anonymous said...

Pardon me Nancy? I was focused on Ernesto's pool enclosure question, and neglected to mention that our pool isn't enclosed, and we've lived in Florida for a over a decade now, so that wasn't a sales pitch. Preventing bugs from bothering someone using a pool is the least of the reasons people invest in pool enclosures down here, and that's a fact.

Cinders said...

If you live bug free in Florida, you must have an invisible shield over your property.

Our friends screened in their pool because they were not into synchronized swimming with the resident snakes.

Alligators have also been known to enter pools uninvited.

Central Florida is full of critters, hence the screened pools.

gwen2xs said...

Lawdy Mistah Fahtone! You don't know nuffin bout birfin' no subtleties duz ya?

US_DOJ_Gov said...

@Arundel: No, that was not a framed pic of the Knight-Rider car hanging on the wall in the outdoor dining area/ grotto.
It was an actual flat-screen TV with the TV-series playing.

@Arundel: No, that's not a tiny TV in the screening room.... If you look up above it you'll be able to see the opening in the ceiling which lowers a wide-screen.

.

Alison said...

I went to a Halloween party at his house a few years back. The party was held in his garage with a spinning dance floor. So much fun =) Swimming in the grotto was amazing! Joey was dressed as Hellraiser haha

Orlando Real Estate said...

Check out the actual listing on an <a href="http://www.searchhomesorlando.com/listing/o5039419-9780-kilgore-rd-orlando-fl-32836/>Orlando real estate</a> website. Interesting news, or not, there is nothing wrong with downsizing so you're not so stressed. It's the new trendy thing that went from the regular folk up to the celebrities.