Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Let's Cross-Examine Chris Darden's Casa

SELLER: Chris Darden
LOCATION: Allandale Drive, Tarzana, CA
PRICE: $2,199,000
SIZE: 5,501 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: ...Slate stone pathways and finely manicured gardens lead to the dramatic double door entry of this magnificent Mediterranean residence. Flowing stone floors, cathedral ceilings and grand columns accent this designer showplace. The palatial living room enjoys a finely crafted fireplace and custom built-in wall units. The banquet style formal dining room is perfect for entertaining and has been designed with antique Mosaic tiels. The state-of-the-art granite kitchen includes fine quality appliances and a spacious dining area overlooking the pool...

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: In honor of shamed and scandalized former professional football player O.J. Simpson being back in the news (and back in jail), Your Mama thought we'd head out to the foothills of Tarzana, CA where thanks to our tipster Babbling Babette we've learned that formerly famous attorney Chris Darden has recently listed his house for sale with an asking price of $2,199,000. The children will all recall that Mister Darden was one of the prosecuting attorneys who valiantly and unsuccessfully attempted to prove Mister Simpson sliced and diced his ex-wife Nicole Brown Simpson and her man friend Ron Goldman back in 1994. Mister Darden has gone on to start his own firm specializing in criminal defense and civil litigation.

Property records show that Mister Darden and his lovely wifey Marcia purchased their 5,501 square foot Tarzana tract house in the expensive but cookie cutter gated community of Mulholland Park Estates in July of 2004 for $2,100,000.

Listing information indicates the "Mediterranean" mini-manse includes 4 bedrooms and 5 bathrooms. Each of the three upstairs bedrooms include private poopers, a scenario Your Mama always appreciates, and the master includes a dual fireplace shared with the sitting room/studio and the rather banal looking all-beige boo-dwar, a viewing balcony, custom walk-in closet, and "showcase marble bathroom" that Your Mama is certain would have us in deep need of a maximum strength nerve pill.

Downstairs guests are entertained in the tile floored living room with its sky high ceilings, fireplace and grand piano. The large but unfortunately columned and tile floored dining room that features a "chandelier" that is simply far to paltry and puny for the room. The eat in kitchen looks exactly like the eat in kitchen of millions upon millions of upscale tract homes across America with its uninspired raised panel cabinetry, black appliances, beige tile floor and the sort of beige flecked granite counter top that is de rigueur in high end tract homes and that Your Mama would like to see outlawed.

Other rooms include a family room with a fireplace and custom cabinetry for the old school big screen boob-toob and a first floor library with a private pooper which listing information indicates can be used as a fourth bedroom. A first floor bedroom is certainly appreciated by visiting grandparents and those like Your Mama who prefer not to have to tramp down a flight of stairs in the middle of the night in need of a candy snack. Somewhere, according to listing information and presumably tucked behind the kitchen and the three car garage, is a "maids unit," a location certainly keeps the housegurl knowin' her place in the household.

Outdoor amenities include a simple rectangular pool and attached spa, several patios covered by a trellis which is nice for getting out of the blistering Tarzana sunshine, a built-in barbecue center, a grassy lawn where the pooches can piddle and poop, and a sports court for all the sporty types who are foolish enough to exercise in the stifling and dangerous heat of the San Fernando Valley.

The children may recall that earlier this year action film ack-tor Chris Tucker was recently trying to unload his one of the two Mulholland Park Estates homes that property records reveal he owns. When Your Mama discussed the 6,549 square foot house in April of 2008 it was on the market for $3,800,000 and it appears to still be on the market with the same asking price.

13 comments:

Anonymous said...

mama, your post title is too forced!

Anonymous said...

Ho-hum, although I'd love to have a grill/patio set-up like that!

Jesse B. said...

If the glove don't fit, you must acquit.

With the likes of Shapiro (LegalZoom, anyone?), Kardashian (no, not Kim, Chloe, the sister I can never remember and gang), et al., it is not surprising he was found not-guilty.

Darden, following the lead of so many prosecutors before him, sold out and went to the dark side so that he could afford the mini-manse that probably won't sell for anywhere near list.

I <3 lawyers.

average joe :[) said...

I offer 180k cash for it

that is what it will be worth in 2 years

and I do not want to catch the falling knife

so_chic_darling said...

This house is so sad and uptight. Chairs with little skirts and strange windows that are 15 feet off the ground WHY?

Billy Blanks said...

Oh, I love the beige...and more beige.

lil' gay boy said...

Any chance this could fall prey to the recent fires and solve Mr. Darden's (and the potentially, and obviously blind, buyer)?

Now don't y'all start going apeshit on me, just a thought (yes, I know it's a tragedy to lose your home to a wildfire, yes I know that people are in danger, and yes I know that everyone one of you knows someone out there battling the blaze as well ––– including me).

But it doesn't change the fact that it's a beige, ghastly hot mess, and would probably save the new owners the cost of demolition.

Jesse B. said...

lil' boy toy...pool boy...I mean gay boy... ;)

I read in the LA Times that the wildfires could be the cure to the foreclosure mess! It was said in jest, but it is the truth. Unless, of course, AIG is the insurer, then who knows? We'd probably have to bail 'em out!?

PS You better be hot! I have a visual in my head of what you look like and I hope it's true!

Whoa, I am not trolling on realestalker. I am very happily coupled for a year with my own 19 y/o lil' gay boy.

Anonymous said...

Love the outdoor areas - I can see spending an afternoon and evening BBQ'ing and lounging by the pool ...

Inside, boring but good bones. I could work with this place, sassy it up, and $2MILL seems like a relative bargain ...

Anonymous said...

Lost the O.J. case.........but wound up in a $3 million dollar home. Somebody turned a loss into a win!!!!!

Anonymous said...

The interiors of this place are so deadly dull. I don't mind the front landscaping, though.

LilStraightBoy said...

i dont know.. but i heard that the babbeling babette tipster is really realllly good looking.

Anonymous said...

Don't worry AIG will save the rich client's houses from the wildfires.