Saturday, December 22, 2007

Bloom's Blackness

It has been confirmed puppies. We have received photographic evidence from several sources that show Mister Orlando Bloom did indeed paint his house in the Outpost Estates black. When Your Mama first got wind of this paint job, we were deeply concerned that a few dozen gallons of black paint paired with the blue tile roof would make the whole place would look like a bruise on the landscape. And it sorta does. But it is also brooding, rebellious, and a little unfriendly with a soupçon of sinister, and you know what? We kind of like it. Your Mama thinks it's just dee-vine for a young actor who would like to mirror both Johnny Depp's quirky and mysterious persona and his screamingly successful career.

Now Orlando, dolly, let's discuss that monolithic privacy fence. Your Mama understands you gotta do what you gotta do to maintain a sense of personal space so you can parade around nekkid the way you like to do. But seriously hunny, the damn thing looks like a prison and it's unclear whether your aim is to keep the world out or you in. Hopefully a little clever landscaping will be able to soften this unpleasant and aggressive fence.

And what's with the chain link fencing standing in front of the tall black fence? Quite frankly Mister Bloom, all due respect, but it is tacky and hostile to your neighbors for a man of your means to stretch cheap chain link fencing across the public side of your property. Besides, that shit just gives the place a not very elegant "Billy John Joe Curly Junior marries his second cousin in a shotgun wedding" sort of vibe. So you have to know that Your Mama desperately hopes you remove that abomination, if only so that your neighbors won't think you rude and insensitive to their aesthetic needs.

Source: Pacific Coast News (photos)

12 comments:

lil' gay boy said...

A man's home is his castle? Not in this case, honey - it looks like a maximum security prison, just like Mama says!

Oh, and another chain link fence?!?!?!

Don't worry children, I'm not going off the deep end again on this one; I learned my lesson - strictly hot cocoa for me.

Merry Christmas from lil' gay boy and his fabulous Big Gay Decorator!

Anonymous said...

I like the color used on this particular house - black tends to make it disappear and blend into the landscape. And combined with the privacy walls and fencing, the message seems to be there's nothing to see here, keep moving - perfect for a celebrity interested in personal privacy. As for Bloom wanting to mirror Johnny Depp, I disagree. Depp's personna and taste in real estate tends more towards flamboyant and showy - traits Bloom eschews.

Anonymous said...

You can barely see the house from the road so I don't know why the neighbors complain - I mean, have you seen some of the properties in the hills? Paint jobs should be the least of their worries! Orlando likes to go under the radar & not be noticed, from the look of this property he's trying to do just that like the above poster mentioned ... Even seeing him in L.A, he just drives an Audi sedan, he's the opposite of flashy. I'm still not sure how often he actually lives here b/c his main home is still in London.

caveman said...

i like it, fence needs razor wire on top though, to keep all the starlets from escaping.

bigdaddyj said...

I like it, in the top photo, I actually mistook the fence for the house, thinking it was a low, black glass modernist thing similar to Cameron's house in "Ferris Beullers Day Off", before I clicked on to see the enlarged version of the photo and realized I had mistaken the fencing for the house!

caveman said...

i got the ferris bueller vibe also, i was looking for the red ferrari in the woods.

Girl at the bar said...

I need a refill please!

Viva! said...

Not nearly as ugly as I thought it would be. Well done Orlando.

luke220 said...

The color looks more like a smokey gray in the pic- less sinister than black.

There are many dark brown houses here in New England. I think that the dark color suits this house in its wooded setting.

Jon said...

I actually like it... It seems more dark gray than black.

I'd rather have this house next door than a bright yellow or purple one.

Anonymous said...

It's looks like an Army Barrack.

Layler said...

It looks much better than I imagined a week or so ago. It blends into the trees now. Thanks for the photos!