Friday, February 5, 2010

Eddie Cibrian Selling at a Loss in Calabasas

SELLER: Eddie Cibrian and Brandi Glanville
LOCATION: Calabasas, CA
PRICE: $2,349,000
SIZE: 6,610 square feet, 6 bedrooms, 6.5 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Thanks to The Rolling Stone we've learned that ack-tor Eddie Cibrian and his soon to be ex-wifey Brandi with and "i" Glanville have recently listed their Calabasas, CA residence with an asking price of $2,349,000.

Oh mercy, children, where does one begin with this Mister Cibrian person? Sure, he's a tall drink of beefy water if you like a bulging manscaped chest and a booty so big and firm it looks like a couple of damn basketballs. But, let's get serious here for a jiffy. After his tawdry extra marital affair with cuckolding country music super star LeeAnn Rimes that began while they were making film flop Northern Lights and the nasty name-calling and subsequent feuding with Brandi with an "i" that has been over-publicized in the tabs, do his professional achievements even matter?

Just in case any of y'all do care about his career as an small screen sexpot, Mister Cibrian began his boob-toob life in the mid 1990s as a–surprise!–a soap stud on The Young and the Restless and then later on Sunset Beach. He went on to regular roles on Third Watch, Vanished, and Ugly Betty. He currently works his "acting" stuff on CSI Miami. Your Mama does not know what Miss Brandi with an "i" does (or did) for a living but we do know she popped out two shorties with Mister Cibrian and in addition to working the stripper pole in the former couple's master bedroom, we imagine she's bizzy raising up them kids and, by some accounts, poisoning their little minds with negative references to their father.

Property records show the Mister and soon to be ex-Missus Cibrian paid $2,500,000 for their big tract house located in the gated Mountain View Estates community in January of 2008. This was shortly after they sold their previous house–an ass-uglee residential beast in Encino, CA–for $4,300,000 to controversial comic Carlos Mencia who is often accused–usually by comedian Joe Rogan–of stealing jokes. Anyhoo, Mister Mencia's material aside, a quick consult with Your Mama's bejeweled abacus reveals that Mister Cibrian and Miss Brandi with an "i" are looking at taking at least a $150,000 loss on this house and that's before any of the fat real estate fees are paid.

Listing information indicates the 6,610 square foot quasi-Italianate includes 6 bedrooms and 6.5 poopers including a master suite with fireplace, custom closets, beige wall to wall carpeting, two poopers and, the children will please note, a stripper pole mounted at the foot of the damn bed. Now that, my precious pets, is what klassy with a "k" is all about. But, of course, what else might one expect from a gal whose name is Brandi with an "i" and a man who (allegedly) made a bad habit of sleeping around on his wife? Listen babies, we're all for folks getting down, dirty and fuh-reeky in the bedroom, but let Your Mama offer all you married ladeez a word to the wise: Iffin your man wants to install a stripper pole in your marital bedroom, you can be pretty damn sure he's going to want to see scantily clad beehawtchas who are not you working that thing. Don't believe Your Mama? Install a damn stripper pole and let us know what happens.

Anyhoo, the sort of Italianate, two-story suburban mansion has a tile roof, a soaring arch over the front porch and quoins. That's right, quoins. Like in most of these ballooned up tract houses out in Calabasas, the front door opens into a grand, double-height, impress the guests style entrance hall with a black and white checkerboard pattern marble floor and a curving, Norma Desmond style staircase. We're sure the children will skewer and lambaste Your Mama for saying this, but we rather like the floor. It's classic, elegant and gives the house a dose of dignity.

To the left of the entry is the living room that has herringbone patterned wood floors, a coffered ceiling, fireplace with a limestone surround and some swagged red drapery that looks like something straight out of The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas. We're also not pleased that someone thought it wise to put a pool table in the formal living room. It wasn't. There is also a formal dining room and a very 1990s upper end tract house kitchen with white cabinetry, dark colored counter tops and a huge work island threatened by a pot rack loaded up with plants and a few itty bitty looking pots and pans.

The Cibrian's back yard, which backs up to open space, is a classic suburban paradise if you like a classic suburban paradise. There is a dark bottomed swimming pool, surrounded by boulders and baby palms trees and waterfalls, a spa, a couple of covered seating areas, a built in barbecue center, and fruit trees. Who doesn't love a tree of fruits?

According to the always impeccably well informed Lucy Spillerguts, Mister Cibrian has decamped for a 5 bedroom and 5.5 pooper Spanish style residence in the gated Mont Calabasas community. It appears to Your Mama that Mister Cibrian has leased the 4,709 square foot house that based on our wee bit o' research was last listed with an asking price of $10,500 per month furnished.

Our sources indicate that Miss Rimes has relocated her Nashville area mansion–that she listed for sale in May of 2009 with an asking price of $7,450,000–to the star studded and guard gated community of Hidden Hills where since October she's been shacked up in a horsey house with 5 bedrooms and 6 poopers that happens to be just down the street from the high priestess of the lezbeeuhn rocker chicks Melissa Etheridge and her wife, former actress Tammy Michaels. It does not appear that ex-Missus Sheremet purchased the property that was recently listed for purchase at $2,999,000 and for lease at $10,000 per month.

Given that Miz Rimes and Mister Cibrian are still humping around with each other and given that both of them are on their way to the court of dee-vorce in order to shed their respective spouses Your Mama certainly wouldn't be surprised if one of these officially moves in with the other. The only question is will it be Hidden Hills or Calabasas? We shall see, we shall see.

photos: The Shevins / Prudential California Realty

28 comments:

Anonymous said...

Does anyone have any idea why the Cibrians originally moved from a $4.3-million house to a $2.5-million house? Don't most people try to move "up" and not "down"?

StPaulSnowman said...

I agree with you about the floor.......a tried and true elegant choice for the entry. But Mumzie! how could you possibly mistake that antiquake ceiling strut for a stripper pole? I may be a prairie hick but I know a real stripper pole would be surrounded by a circle of can lights with magenta gels. We just don't do stripper poles here because of the danger of tongue-freeze.

JosephineThePlumber said...

Are those balloon curtains in that pristine white bathroom, or raw sewage from the floor above?

WhiteChocolateMess said...

Hot Damn Mama! The way you described that ASS had me googling eddie cibrian ass pics all morning to no avail! How does Mama know so much about that ass?

Anonymous said...

I just want to see a nice house.

Grrrowler said...

I myself actually like the floor too. However, in this house it's like a well-dressed dowager at an Ashlee Simpson concert.

What's up with the "fan blade" above the living room fireplace?

Fonda Cibbiebutt said...

@11:33 - the reason most stars buy real estate when they hit it big is so they'll have something to fall back on when their careers peak and begin their sad decline. Eventually, they sell down, down, down until they end up in a trailer park like Pam Anderson. (Although in Eddie's case, not sure.)

StPaulSnowman said...

Oh Grrtowler...........I congratulate you on a perfect analogy. Mama couldn't have said it better herself!

Anonymous said...

Someone better give that stripper pole an extra good cleaning.

Anonymous said...

Once the shorties arrive, a stripper pole usually becomes an white elephant, an embarrassing monument to carefree days filled with fewer responsibilities gone.

He left his wife for another gal? Buy a new house, install a new stripper pole. Mulligan!

Anonymous said...

Hidden Hills IS in calabasas. Hidden Hills is the name of the gated/guard horse community in Calabasas. It's litterally 2 minutes away by car from the gated community of this house. I hope I never see Leanne Rhimes's skank cheatin ass in Calabasas or she will get serious stink eye. yuck.

lil' gay boy said...

Snowman, foul weather or fair, that is (and I never thought I'd live to say it) one pole I would not put my tongue on . . .

I was always told that Calabasas was the Kansas of California –––– proof that Hell is full & the dead are walking the earth. Home of the multimillion dollar, soul-killing housing tract. Funny how it resembles the Cretan Labyrinth, no?

Hard to muster even a spark of interest for such a "standout" in this particular neighborhood with no sign of a school, deli, or even a pedestrian. One way in, and apparently, no way out.

* eeeek! *

MarkyMark said...

I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I actually kinda like the bones of this place. It looks like it might be kinda fun, especially for an active family (after the eNORmous job of stripping out every bit of the god-awful FAIL day-core).

Anonymous said...

I love both the entry and the kitchen floors, and the kitchen itself has a very nice layout, easy to move around and do serious cookery in.

The draperies in the pool table room were obviously made from Norma Desmond's casket lining but that's a minor matter easily solved with a little Ronsonol and a match poolside.

Anonymous said...

Anyone else notice that the Cibrains are using a lot of the same furniture in this house? And for several millions bucks don't you get a basement rec room anymore?

Anonymous said...

The stripper pole in the bedroom is super tacky.
That's all I have to say about that.

luke220 said...

It would be $5 million in Mulholland Estates.

Anonymous said...

Hidden Hills is it's own city, not part of calabasas...

Anonymous said...

As a neighbor of Brandi Cibrian, I am not amused with this article in any way, shape or form. This is mean-spirited and tacky and I take great offense at your stance of poking fun at a tragic situation. You owe Brandi an apology. I do not know who you got your information from, or if you indeed were in that house, but I better not see you or any of your cohorts bothering her. It would be a huge mistake on your part...mark my words.

In addition, Hidden Hills is NOT part of Calabasas. It is it's own city.

Anonymous said...

I can't get past the stripper pole. T-R-A-S-H-Y!

Also, the person who posted at February 7, 2010 2:25 PM is in desperate need of a sense of humor.
Please.

Muffin said...

2:25, if you read below you will see where the "gossip" part of the website comes from. I highly doubt Mama would be bored enoughby her pitcher of gin & tonics to go "bother" said Brandi with an "I". Puhleeze. In other news, silk flowers need to be banned from kitchens.

Anonymous said...

I suppose if one has a stripper pole in the bedroom, it's good to have a scale in the bathroom to double-check dancing weight. I see the reflection of one in the bathroom mirror. And is that IVY I see cascading down from the top of the kitchen cabinets? Ugh.

Anonymous said...

Doesn't everyone call it Calabarsholes?

@2:25 - mais quelle surprise!!!!! Vous êtes une Calabarsholian.

Oh Mama said...

If Brandi with an i, or any other lady, wants to spin upside down for her husband, then I'm all for it.

However, wouldn't it make sense to take the pole down before having your house photographed? If Brandi with an i didn't figure that out herself, you'd think that the realtor, the staging lady, the photographer, a friend, the nosy neighbor above, somebody, anybody, bueller, could have brought up the idea?

Also, how do you explain the pole to the shorties - and their friends?

ceebeedee said...

re: 2/7/10 @ 2:25,

in the world of Botany it is well understood that butterbeans never go around bothering people. They are homebodies, enjoy a nice game of cards now and then and a good stiff drink from time to time, and are not related to the notorious cohortbean, the last one of which went down with Blackbeard's pirate ship many moons ago.

Anonymous said...

Mama, I like the consistent Brandi with an "I" references ha ha ha. I was a fan of Paris Hilton's until I discovered she has a stripper pole in her house; now I feel the same way about Mr. Nice Ass. My word verification is "dimples."

darlin_virg said...

I want to crawl through this photo and make that damn bed correctly.

LutherdDyR said...

Oh Grrtowler...........I congratulate you on a perfect analogy. Mama couldn't have said it better herself!