Thursday, August 4, 2011

Kellan Lutz Rents New Crib in Venice

WHO: Kellan Lutz
WHERE: Venice, CA
PRICE: $7,250 per month
SIZE: 2,400 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: In 2009 chisel-chested male model turned concrete-bodied actor Kellan Lutz asked his brother Randy to find him a roommate or two for the frumpy Van Nuys, CA house property records show he purchased in late 2005 for $715,000. The brother put a suggestively worded ad on Craigs List that stated he/they were "alcohol friendly" and "looking for very athletic guys" to move in and splash around with in the swimming pool and hot tub. It wasn't long before a gaggle of gym-toned gay gentleman were ringing Mister Lutz's bell. It was all, according to Mister Lutz, a laugh riot case of unfortunate wordsmithing by his bro Randy.

So that none of the children think Your Mama is insinuating something about Mister Kellan's proclivities that we know not a damn thing about: Until recently Mister Kellan was frequently reported to be hooked up with 90210 blond bomber AnnaLynne McCord. Previous to that he was romantically linked to actress Kayla Ewell–another member of what we think of as the Tinseltown Vampire Brigade–who shakes her money maker in The Vampire Diaries.

A few near pornographic underwear ads and a couple of bit acting parts in the mid-Noughts led beau-hunky blond Mister Lutz to a recurring role on the lone season of the sitcom The Comeback with Lisa Kudrow. A few more bit parts brought Mister Lutz to 2008 when he was lucky enough to be cast as muscle-bound teenage blood sucker Emmet Cullen in Twilight. The seemingly ceaseless Twilight franchise, a showbiz super-phenomena of epic money-making and cross-marketing proportions, quickly catapulted Mister Lutz to the pinnacle of gossip glossy fame. It's unlikely the meticulously man-scaped lamb can go to the damn 7-11 anymore with out a t(w)eenage girl, lonely lady or horny homo collapsing to the floor in the beer aisle from a burning rush of unrequited love and unrestrained lust.

Your Mama isn't sure if any alcohol friendly athletic dudes moved into Mister Lutz's 3 bedroom and 3 pooper bachelor pad in Van Nuys. We did, however, recently receive a covert communique from our friend and celebrity real estate snitch Lucy Spillerguts who whispered in Your Mama's big ear that Mister Lutz has done decamped the suburban streets of Van Nuys for the boho beach community of Venice where he recently leased a somewhat newly (re)constructed contempo-Craftsman-style crib just a few blocks from the beach near the Venice canals.

Listing information for the pristine-looking property that Your Mama cajoled up out of the interweb shows the two-story shingled residence measures around 2,400 square feet, includes 4 bedrooms and 4 bathrooms, and was leased by Mister Kellan at a rate of $7,250 per month.

A deep inset front porch with stacked-stone columns defines the entry to the fully re-habbed house with an open plan ground floor that orbits around a (melo)dramatic floating stone, wood and wrought iron stair case. The L-shaped main living space stretches across the back of the house and includes a living room with wide-plank wood floors and stacked stone double-sided fireplace. Banks of wood-framed glass panels flank the fireplace and open up to merge the room with the courtyard-like backyard. The living room area spills into a long dining room/kitchen with built-in buffet, center-island, mahogany cabinets, thinly veined black granite counter tops and super-sized commercial style stainless steel appliances.

Mister Kellan's new master suite on the second floor sports wood floors, an awkwardly located fireplace with flat-screen tee-vee mounted above it, walk-in closet, and wood-framed French doors that connect to a private balcony that hangs over the backyard. The clean-lined master crapper conveniently provides two sinks set into one long white marble counter top, a soaking tub long enough for Mister Kellan and a friend, and an over-sized shower space with flooring fashioned from randomly shaped slate pieces set into a bed of black pebbles. No one loves a natural element like rocks used for art or day-core more than Your Mama. We've been known to display piles of carefully curated rocks in our own home. Howevuh, we sincerely hope those shower floor pebbles are glued down and not scattered around loose where they could be a real and annoying pain in the tootsies.

Like most beach communities in California, lots tend towards tiny in Venice so in addition to the front porch and private balcony in the master bedroom, outdoor space was maximized with a sunbather beckoning roof deck and a tree-shaded backyard with flagstone terrace and Buddha-guarded koi pond. A detached structure–probably originally built as a garage–was converted to a home office/entertainment space with over-sized flat screen tee-vee and 10-speaker surround sound system. Sadly, the property lacks a swimming pool where porn-bodied Mister Lutz can horse around and play Marco Polo with his pin thin gal pals and buff man-buddies.

Property records show that Mister Lutz still owns his house in Van Nuys and a cursory look around did not turn up any (online) evidence of currently being on the (open) market.

18 comments:

Brandon said...

Great little house...and if I may state the obvious, that boy is hotter than a hootch's cootchie.

Anonymous said...

I would gladly move into a cardboard box with Kellan.

Anonymous said...

LGB: you are the Reseda in the
Holmby Hills of my soul.

Anonymous said...

Habitat-abbed.

Anonymous said...

WTF is up with the two giraffe's behind Buddah?

Anonymous said...

Bleh!!!

StPaulSnowman said...

Does California have many Buddhas-R-US locations? The idea that you can purchase serenity must be very profitable. Here in the front yards of the midwest we have these great painted plywood cutouts of people with their backs to you bending over. Often they have a little propeller spinning in the wind. Not as much of a spiritual advertisement, but certainly more honest and good for a cheap laugh.

Jesse said...

I refuse to believe the rouge brother explanation and instead choose to believe that he was attempting to build a harem full of hot gay boys. I'd gladly serve as his Mr. Belvedere.

/dream

Anonymous said...

Blech. Although the presence of Lutz inside the house makes it 1000x better. ;)

hippie canyon said...

Kellan (dare I say Kelly...) is hotter than hot. But, this house reminds me of some sh*t that you'd end up with when you didn't have enough sense to rent that house in The Hamptons for you and your whore-d of friends earlier in the year. Did I mention Venice sucks? Don't care about who has a production office there or what beyond cool gallery is there. If your idea of a great beach is 5 blocks of homeless parolees living in sleeping bags, and a boardwalk full of weed enthusists -- the harmony of which is only broken up by the throngs of tourists from fly-over states -- then by all means head to Venice. On the other hand, if you want to live within walking distance of the beach AND feel good about where you live, then head to Santa Monica Canyon, or Rustic Canyon. Just sayin'...

lil' gay boy said...

Buddhas-R-Us® ––– love it.

Talk about stunning architecture...that is certainly well-built, like the proverbial brick shit-house; as for the Venice property, meh.

BTW, did you know that if you hold you tongue to an Apple Cinema Display long enough, it tastes just like chicken?

;-)

Anonymous said...

The human race needs to be terminated immediately. All property and celebrities are the festering scab on top of the bloody stool of the fascist American police state. This blog is merely a figment of your imagination, your vanity, your folly, your manufactured identity,
your desperate need for meaning, an overflowing chamberpot under the rickety chair of your rapidly fading empire.

Here, have a peppermint.

Anonymous said...

The house reminded him of a stuttering teenage girl wearing a little rose-colored cap with a bell on top of it, sad enough to elicit pity but not enough to provoke an erection.

Anonymous said...

"meh" as an expression of dislike or disapproval is about as hip as continuing to display an Obama Hope and Change poster, LGB.

And we really don't need to know where you like to put your tongue. That's obvious enough, extra crispy.

StPaulSnowman said...

I am tired of people denigrating scabs. Scabs are a remarkable part of the miracle of wound healing. They maintain a moist environment for healing and keep you from bleeding to death. The same goes for shit, without which you would eventually explode. Boogers, however are worthy of denigration. LGB, I tried the screen/tongue thing. Mine was more tofu than chicken.

Anonymous said...

Well, is he or isn't he? Anyhoo, what a terrible looking place to live in.

Anonymous said...

Oh yes.... I will move right in and keep the athletic vibe ok. Communal Showers for all... oops dropped the soap.

hippie canyon said...

Ok, I suppose as usual I'm late to the party. Butt... my screen taste like an odd combo of mint, salt, and some sort of tobacco. Oh -- shit. Wait a minute. I mean, my screen taste like sushi grade tuna and ice cold Japanese beer. Just a hint of wasabe. As for scabs, well I try to work union wherever/whenever possible. Now, if you'll excuse me I have to go hang up another HOPE poster in the garage. The last one was singed when Hesperia left my Range Rover running, and whatever she had hooked up to jumper cables (?) evidently became quite hot... hence the singed poster. I have GOT to get a new cleaning lady! GO'bama 2012, eh?