Wednesday, August 3, 2011

New Crib for Glee's Chris Colfer in Laurel Canyon

BUYER: Chris Colfer
LOCATION: Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $860,000
SIZE: 2,462 square feet, 2 bedrooms, 2.75 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Even though Glee-mania continues to sweep the globe, it is Your Mama's humble and meaningless opinion the super-gay show has done jumped the proverbial showbiz shark, a victim, perhaps, of its instant mega-success. Since we think the boo-toob super-hit already passed its prime we find it a complete waste of time to shed any tears for actor Chris Colfer who portrayed the fey and steely-spined teen homosexual Kurt Hummel for the first three seasons but will not, reportedly, be back for a fourth.

Sassy Mister Colfer will inevitably move on to bigger and better things. As per both The Bizzy Boys at Celebrity Address Aerial and our impossibly well-informed confrère Lucy Spillerguts–he will also soon move into a new house that hovers over the rugged Laurel Canyon area of Los Angeles, CA.

Property records show that Mister Colfer, through a trust, paid $860,000 for an ass-uglee residence perched on the last hairpin curve of a secluded cul-de-sac high above Laurel Canyon. A deeper dive into the property records reveals that Mister Colfer bought the blue beast out of foreclosure. Some of the resident Real Estate Chicken Littles around here will surly go giddy when they learn the non-celeb sellers of Mister Colfer's new crib purchased the property in early 2007 ago for a substantially higher $1,232,000 and lost the house, according to the docs we peeped, into the snapping claws of foreclosure in September 2010.

Listing information for the 1963 mansard-roofed hot mess shows it measures 2,462 square feet. Listing information for the property gets a mite confusing when it comes to the bedroom and pooper count: In one area of the listing 2 bedrooms and 2.75 bathrooms are indicated, in another it reads "3 Bedrooms, 3.5 Bathrooms," and in a third section the bathroom count gets broken down into 1 full, 1 three-quarter and 2 half bathrooms. The Los Angeles County Tax Man, for what it's worth, shows there are 2 bedrooms and 4 bathrooms. Make of all that nonsense what you will.

The three-story hillside house, called a "contemporary" in the listing, sits hard up on street with a front facing two-car attached garage with convenient direct entry and indoor laundry facility. We anticipate a couple or few of the children will whine and stamp their real estate feet with righteous indignation about how they would never, in a million damn years, pay nearly a million clams for an architecturally rude-looking residence that sits so close to the street that someone could walk by and easily reach right in an open window and snatch a bottle of booze or pack of menthols off the table. Spare us the jibber-jabber. The geographic reality of building in the steep ravines and perilous canyons in Los Angeles often means that a house must sit very close to the access road. Don't like it? Buy a ranch house in Sherman Oaks with a wide front lawn, broad back yard and no canyon view. Real estate is a trade off, kids, and just because you wouldn't swap a deep front lawn for a canyon view doesn't mean that it's foolish for someone to do so, okaaaay? Our bigger concern here is not the lack of front yard–Your Mama lives in the Hollywood Hills and has but a sliver of a front yard–it's the dearth of architectural or aesthetic fabulosity. More on that later.

A tightly curved stair case with brushed stainless steel (or perhaps its aluminum or some other material) banister doubles back around itself and connects the three levels of the house. The open-plan lower level main living space encompasses a living/dining/kitchen area with blond wood floors, fireplace with slate surround, built-in banquette sofa, and sliding glass doors that lead out to one of the two decks that run along the back of the lower two levels and cantilever over the canyon.

The kitchen, which looks like it was fairly recently punished with an upsetting remodel, has average-grade stainless steel appliances, some sort of solid-surface or granite counter tops, a separate wet bar with sink and wine fridge, and an L-shaped center island with a breakfast bar fashioned from an perplexing panel of curving green glass that looks like it was ripped right out of the 1980s.

However many bedrooms there may be, two or three, Mister Colfer's new grand master suite features a private pooper, walk-in closet and an unobstructed view over the jagged canyon.

Aerial images of the house show the rooftop covered in solar panels but listing information doesn't mention anything about solar panels, not that we noticed anyway.

At the time Mister Colfer scooped the place up, the exterior was painted a gawdawful blue color that resembles tur-qwahze. Now children, Your Mama loves us some turquoise–and tur-qwahze–but it is not, generally speaking, an appropriate color for a 21st-century house. It just isn't.

Your Mama can only hope Mister Colfer has already had the good gay decorative sense to consult a color queen, a nice, gay decorator and/or a smart architect to come up with a more acceptable solution to the jaw-droppingly horrific exterior of the house. We also hope with all our might that Mister Colfer hires a brawny contractor to remove that silly half-assed mansard roof hoozy-goozy that makes our flesh pimple with architectural discordance.

Before y'all get your architectural panties in snit and start to yammer about how this house is beyond saving and should be torn down, we ask that you keep in mind it is not a realistic or practical solution to tear down all the ugly houses. It just isn't. To make that case is just wasted words and aesthetic pie in the sky. Sometimes and for a myriad of reason, like it or not, you just have to work with what's there and–to put it another way–put some goddam lipstick and lashes on the pig.
With that in mind Your Mama took the liberty to whip together a rough mock up of a possible solution to the troubling existing exterior of Mister Colfer's Laurel Canyon cauchemar. Rather than tart the house up with traditional details–a device that almost always ends up looking cheap and depressingly faux–we opted to strip the structure down to its core and just let it be what it is: a boxy contemporary slammed right up on to the roadside.

In our "after" version (shown above on the right) we painted the exterior white so it glistens in the scorching southern California sunshine, added new front and garage doors, ran a privacy fence along the property line at the front of the house that provides an illusion of privacy at the street level, and we consolidated that unholy trio of mis-matched windows on the second floor into one large opening partially shielded by vertical privacy slats.

Now, of course, kittens, this is just one quick and dirty solution to the front façade by a boorish blogger. Certainly a smart architect or crafty landscape designer could come up with something far superior than our paltry five-minute effort.

Any of y'all want to give it a go?

listing photos (top): Coldwell Banker
photo for re-do (bottom): Google Maps

51 comments:

DCGuy said...

Love the "after" shot, Mama. You should send along to young Mr. Colfer.

At least the kitchen is nice.

JoeTheMiddleYears said...

Point taken Mama. I was initially aghast that any self-respecting gay man would buy this hot mess, but your quick sketch suggests there is a modernist solution to this design nightmare. At the end of the day, Chris is buying into Laurel Canynon, not the architectural merits of this hideous home.

Anonymous said...

o_O bon Bébé a le sens décoratif très élevée ne le sous-estimer jamais aux grand jamais nannn met ohhhh la...sa magace bien sa...

Anonymous said...

Dear JoeTheMiddleYears,
I didnt know there was a certain way for a Self-Respecting gay man to have aesthetic preferences.
The gender which he prefers to date does not, in any way, relate to the way he buys houses.
That being said, I think the house is lovely, and Im glad that someone as great as Chris Colfer, has settled down into a house that HE likes.

peter h said...

Mama may be a gifted and amusing writer but she has some pretty solid design chops too ... I think she just added $500k to the value of this home.

Anonymous said...

The after pic looks like a tag artist's wet dream. I recommend he use graffiti-proof paint

Anonymous said...

Mama........you are a pearl before this architectural swine. This little essay proves that your prose can polish a turd. I wonder where this Colfer fellow will work now. There are not many niches for such a flamboyant musical talent with an unfortunate physiognomy.

Anonymous said...

I suppose I'm glad he's being thrifty.. but this house just depresses me.

The kitchen- okay, what the HEll with that raised glass counter off the island? It just looks so stupid, like a fixture at Starbucks, and breakable. Is it for eating standing up? Or a shelf for the waitress to come pick up the hash fries? Really ill considered reno there.

Anonymous said...

I say good for him for buying a foreclosed home, because it's not like he's going to live there forever and shouldn't waste a fortune on it. The interior is nice enough, it's got a nice view, and the rest he can fix up if he feels like, as you showed (although I would pick a different looking fence). He should worry more about entitled, stalker fans walking by than what it looks like, really!

Anonymous said...

Seeing as Mr Colfer paid so (relatively) little for the house, he can certainly afford to do it up to his liking. And for heaven's sake, start with Mama's exterior scheme. A lovely minimalist remodel would play up the views even more!

Anonymous said...

That was quick, Your Mama. If you had a CGI image database you could have added a Chrystal wind chyme chandelier above the garage door! Maybe even a wind turbine next to the solar panels. Heck, if it happens he can't find work he can always place a cellular-tower-for-rent on the roof.

Anonymous said...

the view is worth it alone. obviously a fixer upper.

Anonymous said...

I think that Chris Colfer has purchased a great deal. Where else in the hills do you get that much square footage for that price? I have seen traditional homes, torn to the ground under the guise of a "remodel" and a completely different home created in it's place. So yammering on about how the home appears as he purchased it seems like you don't know how the game is played. He also has a home that it looks like he can lock up and and go when ever he wants. Mama not only gives the kids our daily dose, it would seem that she is only happy to help a sistah out:) Thanks Mama!! Anon 4:03, I agree Mama is a rare jewel, that would be the beginning and end of where we agree. In the future it might be nice to just to wish Chris well instead of being rude. God forbid we see your "unfortunate physignomy".....

Anonymous said...

$860,000 for that?
I would not put my dog to live in that.

Anonymous said...

Brilliant work! I skipped to the photo and viewed it carefully before reading that you yourself were responsible for the after picture. Well done!

P.S. hoping for an update on Rue McClanahan's estate and what's been sold...

Anonymous said...

Beautiful solution, Mama. I don't think he needs anything smarter or craftier than what you've come up with.

Good for Mr. Colfer. A fixer is the way to go if you've got the $ and the time.

Lady J

elspeth said...

A "D" team is definitely called for. Whether it be a De -corator, -signer or -molition team is Mr. Colfer's call. He does seem to have some fabulous views for a good price. Mama, what you did for the place would be a good start for whichever team he chooses.

And that translucent "thingee" on the kitchen island irritates the living daylights out of me.

hippie canyon said...

My goodness Mama your double D cup runeth over with so many unspoken talents. Your after pix looks like half the $2m homes that come up for sale along Sunset Plaza Drive. I can just see it now -- "Mama's Extreme Makeover: Canyon Edition." Anyways, I suspect the purchase of this home took up most of Mr. Colfer's money. If so, then a full-on remodel of the exterior is probably at least one bad feature-length film away. For now, I'll join his neighbors in spirit and light a candle, bang a gong, have a drink, etc that he'll hire a few day laborers to come over and - at least - white wash that hideous blue (reminds me of that old free clinic Hesperia used to go). Too bad he won't return for next season's Glee.

Anonymous said...

The kitchen just screams "DESIGNED IN THE EIGHTIES." Great deal for that view, though.

Megan said...

This is really rude and unnecessary.
Obviously if he bought the house, he likes it since he could probably afford pretty much any house he wanted.
This could have been phrased so much better. You could have voiced your opinion on the house's condition without tearing Chris down this way - which at times seems a little homophobic.

Just a thought.
I certainly don't think it's a lovely home but that doesn't mean it isn't good for him.

Anonymous said...

What's rude and unnecessary? What's homophobic in what Mama wrote? Where did Mama tear Chris down? I think you read something different than I did because I didn't see anything rude written in the post about Chris at all.

lil' gay boy said...

Outstanding prose, Mama; I too am no fan of the show, or this house; it's ghastly.

Obviously a calculated move for an up-and-perhaps-coming Tinseltown dweller ––– even a blind man could see it wasn't purchased for its current niggardly charms.

Tear-down or rehab depends more on his goal than structural difficulty; the back side of the house is a nosebleedingly steep, vertiginous drop to the street below, and if it's been perched there this long my guess would be it's likely enough to stay without further reinforcement.

If he wants & can afford to dabble in a complete makeover (perhaps with some sweat equity, even), well our Mama has already demonstrated this bulky box is not completely beyond redemption –– personally I'd prefer to let the next deluge wash it off the face of the earth ––– but hey, that's me. Let's just hope he hasn't bitten off more than he can chew because he must be choking already...

Trixie von Trott said...

Did no-one else notice that multi-colored paintwork on the wall surrounding that HIDEOUS slate fireplace??? I can bet this place was "done up" in the mid 1990's. I can imagine Donna Martin from the original 90210 squatting here with David while Brenda and Kelly pop over to get ready for some cheesy prom dance. Memories...

Anonymous said...

I'm just glad that Chris has bought a house that HE wants. No one else's opinion matters.

This article comes off a bit condescending. You might want to work on that.

Anonymous said...

LEAVE CHRIS ALONE!!!

mistie said...

Glee fans are sooper dooper skeery!

Anonymous said...

Nasty arse of a house! But Mamma made a phenom redo! Pass it to to christer! Kisses Mamma saving LA one house at a time!

StPaulSnowman said...

It's an ugly box, nothing more. If it's what he wants, fine. The choice does say something about his taste. I simply cannot believe that LGB used the "n" word. Mama, get out that bar of Irish Spring soz we can wash his mouth out. The charms of this place are not niggardly, they are non-existant. But LGB is always generous, if not randian. Don't people who live in these Hollywood Hills worry about these architectural orange crates snapping off the hillside during a good shake? Such worry might explain Mama's increasing dependance upon the G&T.

grey said...

I wish you'd left his sexuality out of this. The throwbacks to his preferences were both unnecessary and rude.

Anonymous said...

Mentioning a person's "preferences" isn't "unnecessary" or "rude" unless you think being gay is something that shouldn't be discussed or is shameful in some way. The fact that you would see what Mama wrote here as "rude" says more about you than is does about Mama...who is a gay man and who, it should be noted, said nothing even remotely "rude" about Colfer. Nothing.

Anonymous said...

thats a really great mockup! you should send that to his agent/management. Im sure a fabulous person like monsieur colfer will most definitely do some sort of reno. I live maybe 3 miles away from here and its a nice area. Very quiet, most houses sell around 1 to 1.1 so not a bad deal even in its current state

FonHom said...

The green glass thing in the kitchen would be used for a bar...gives you another level to put glasses or bottles on. But this counter isn't a bar, and as installed, it blocks access to the counter and doesn't even add practical work space, so WTF.
On the bright side, it's one of the ass-ugly touches that kept the price down.
Nice work on the exterior, Mama. You're hired!

Anonymous said...

Ah Dearest Mama, some things never change. The indignation of the hard core fans. I don't supposed they'd have been happy unless you wrote you would be leaving the good Dr. Cooter to pine your years away on Chris.

I am surprised you didn't post the photo of the room with the 4 foot diameter white polka dots on sky blue walls. PS. The 1.2m sale was 4 years ago, not 2.

Love you always!

Aunt Bunny said...

Lawd, when did these pesty fans of that horrible travesty known as Glee infiltrate Mama's house?

Respect the premises, b****es. Mama can do whatever she wants and if you don't like it, kindly take your uptight tushies and go die in a fire.

Have a fabulous day!

Kisses,

Aunt Bunny

Anonymous said...

"niggardly charms"?

LGB, you truly are are an imp of the perverse, aren't you?

Your the literary equivalent of Lee's press-on nails.

Jeannified said...

Mama, if he is smart, he will see this and implement the changes immediately! Love it!!!

Anonymous said...

ok kiddies I am anon 5:17 and I look forward to the comment of LGB and StPaul Snowman(and Aunt Gina who is more reserved with her comments). When LGB used the term "niggardly" I have to admit to never have heard this word or term. Several of the commenters didn't appreciate the use of this word. Rather than judge my fellow reader, I got onto the interweb and needed to find out for myself what the word meant. I did and then read this article: http://www.straightdope.com/columns/read/1725/is-niggardly-a-racist-word. I knew I needn't worry, LBG is a right brother(sistah?!) . Anywho, maybe this article will change others mind, maybe not. The one thing I do know is that Mama rocks!! Peace and be well

Steve M said...

860 k ??? Hahaha ! Looks like a back street Panamanian wanna hump-hump bar! Maybe they can turn it into a "steam room for gentlemen" ? Surely with it completely blacked out inside and out, a few nice "blue" lights and "cubicles" inside, it can be redeemed and be of some use to someone.

StPaulSnowman said...

It was a joy to see LGB drop in the word "niggardly". It took me back many years to when I was studying massive vocab lists for what was then called College Boards. Seeing it on the screen was a little like spotting Mickey Rooney at the Cheesecake Factory. Old and unexpected in a place you love to be.

Jesse said...

To those talking about how rude mentioning his "preferences" are, you do know WHO Mama is, right?

Mama is less like June Cleaver and more like Lady Bunny.

hippie canyon said...

Are SPS and LGB really the only ones who see that niggardly has not one thing to do with the N word? I knew education was suffering in the US but not to that extent. Wow...

Anonymous said...

You know, you can criticize the houses in a very constructive and respectful way but the way you use your words in every aspect on your article is not even near respectful. Re-read your words Mama illiterate because from my point of view you didn't grow with respect in your fibre. What a pity.

Anonymous said...

More like rancid and nauseating
in a place for fat and ugly tourists.

acadykademic said...

Yes please, I would like to play the makeover game with you. What software did you use? And don't say "Gin and Tonic". I finally figured out who Linda and Beverly are.

Scrufff said...

Great job Mama, with just a couple quick strokes the magic that is photoshop - you came up with a very nice solution to a very ugly house.

IMHO, I would have added some "umph" by painting the garage and front doors red or something equally dashing. Also a nice gay landscaper could soften the lines between the fence and the hardscape with those drought tolerant tall grasses we see in some of the better landscape/green homes we see in the area.

as far as the interior it's pretty much blank slate that any nice gay decorator (or hell any gay guy, such as myself with a modicum of taste) could transform it into a nice pied a terre for this young actor. who obviously btw has (or has someone close to him) some good money sense to a buy a house in a great location for a very good price.

Mama'sBoy said...

Great read Mama, sharp sharp sharp! Enjoyed this one immensely!
xx
Mama'sBoy

Anonymous said...

I love the house!! I for one think that it suits Chris perfectly. After all, blue is his favorite color, and it's laid back, but cute and quirky like him!! :D

Anonymous said...

Amen! Agree!

Anonymous said...

Yo mamma needs to go to hell! And if you tryin be black it ain't workin honey. Just sayin. I think its awesome the Chris has decided to get a house! And stop it! You are very offensive to all who are gay.

Anonymous said...

I see this place is back on the market! Hopefully Mr Colfer might purchase something a little more easy on the eye this time or will he just move in with that cute BF of his ;-)

Sandpiper said...

This stucco exterior is an unfortunate undulating lumpy botch job. I agree, Mama, it needs rescuing -- and fast.

Now, a few years later, according to your Sept. 24, 2013 follow up piece, it's back on the market with a $90k bump.

Instead of taking you up on your pretty rendering (above) offer or anything half as nice with low outlay, he concocted a God-awful(sorry, God) faux-medieval-castle treatment that will cost tons to undo if he can even snag walk throughs intending to snap up fix for a flip. Jeff, are you out there?

Ahhh, the innocence of youth. Sometimes ya just gotta let these young ones learn from their mistakes. He'll never forget this one.