Sunday, April 3, 2011

Weekend Wrap Up

Listen puppies, we're running short on time and low on energy today so we're going to be brief and perhaps less pithy than usual. At 2:45 this morning Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter were rudely awakened by a car horn blaring into the quiet night. We shuffled down stairs and peeped through the living room window just in time to see our boozy b.f.f. Fiona Trambeau slither out of a late model Dodge Charger and on to the street. Not surprisingly a bearded, barrel-chested and beer-bellied bruiser of a man came around the car to help a wobbly Fiona stand up on her Lucite wedge heels and squeeze her chee-chees back into a bespangled and not particularly clean tube top.

As Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter stepped out into the crisp air Fiona shrieked and cooed with delight. "Oh hi, hunnies! This here's Billy. We met him at Martoonis the other day and he was nice enough to drive little ol' me down from Frisco."

"Fiona, gurl, what are you doing here?"

"Didn't I call you to tell you I was coming? No? Well, I gotta get out to J.T. to see Ginny. Beehawtcha's getting married again on Wednesday." J.T. is Joshua Tree and Ginny is Fiona's step-mother Virginia Slim who has been married at least 7 times, including three times to a postal worker who goes by the name Bud Wiser.

"Is she marrying that dumb-ass Bud again?"

"No siree," she whistled through the gap where her left eye tooth should be and was the last time we saw her. "This time it's some some twenty-something year old hot body named Pedro or Pablo or Pancho whom she met when he bagged her groceries at the Piggly-Wiggly or whatever damn market it is they got out there. That crazy woman just met the man two weekends ago and that sumbitch already moved in to her trailer with his 12 year old nephew and some goddam cats. You know how Ginny is. If a man even looks at her in a manner she interprets as sexual she's determined to get him to marry her 87-pound bag of bones. I'm going to be the maid of honor again, of course. Daddy, God rest his cirrhotic liver, would want it that way don't you think?"

Needless to say, Your Mama and Fiona (plus our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly) are off to Joshua Tree tomorrow for the big weddin'. We sent Billy and his Dodge Charger on his way just as soon as he rousted himself from his alcohol stupor at 2pm today.

Anyhoo, we digress...

1.
Just before addled and ego maniacal actor Charlie Sheen jumped on his broomstick–or whatever mode of transportation is preferred by self-proclaimed warlocks–and headed to Motor City where he was unceremoniously booed off the stage during the opening of his Violent Torpedo of Truth stage show last night, he closed escrow on a 9,000-plus square foot mansion in the Mulholland Estates, the very same guard-gated Los Angeles community where he currently lives in a smaller mansion with his gaggle "goddess" gal pals.

The house, originally listed at $7,495,000, was sold by Hollywood heavyweight Mike Medavoy. Property records (and previous reports) reveal wild-eyed Mister Sheen paid a suitably complicated $6,999,999 for the 6 bedroom and 9 bathroom mansion.

The day before the deal was done Your Mama heard from one of our real estate industry pals with an ear to the ground in Bev Hills who told us that Mister Sheen paid for the house in part with a $4,100,000 cash loan from–are you ready for this, chickens?–Lenny Dykstra. We can't confirm or deny whether there's a shred of truth to that but, children, even the rumor is fascinating. What's most suspicious about the rumor is that Mister Dysktra went belly up bankrupt in 2009 and lost at least one humongaloid house in suburban L.A. to foreclosure so how he came up with four and some million bucks to (allegedly) loan to a loose cannon like Charlie Sheen is a bit of a mystery.

2.
Unlucky in love actress Renee Zellweger recently busted up with her actor-beau Bradley Cooper. She had better luck selling her two New York City apartments that she listed in late 2010 with an asking price of $8,925,000. According to The New York Times this week, the two units, which combined measure around 5,000 square feet and include a large 1 bedroom and 1 pooper unit and a far larger unit with 3 bedrooms and 3.5 bathrooms were recently put into contract by actress Leelee Sobieski and her fashion designer husband Adam Kimmel.

3.
This one is for the republican children: The New York Times recently had a brief visit with former first lady Laura Bush as the Texas ranch she shares with her gum-smacking former president huzband George.

4.
Curbed has an update on the expansion and reconstruction of the massive New York City mansion bought by Madonna last year for $32,000,000. The Kabbalah Kween, an unrepentant real estate size queen if there ever was one, added an entire floor to the already gigantic triple-wide townhouse in the East 80s, reportedly to house her home gym. Current work visible by her new neighbors includes the installation of a roof top deck.

Your Mama has heard through the gossip grapevine–but can not confirm–that The Kabbalah Kween has her multi-unit combination spread at Harperley Hall on the Upper West Side quietly on the market with a number so high that Your Mama dare not (and will not) repeat it because we just don't believe she'd be so damn foolish to ask that amount that high.

5.
There are multitudes of reports that the giant mansion off of Mulholland Drive in Los Angeles where the American Idol contestants are living is haunted with a possibly demonic presence. Pleeze. While matriculating back in the Dark Ages Your Mama lived in a turn of the century-farmhouse we believed to be haunted by a man in a dark suite and a black hat so far be it from Your Mama to poo-poo reports of paranormal activity. None the less, we're going to poo-poo anyway because we smell a publicity ploy and find it a difficult to believe that a newly built mega-mansion could have any spirits lingering in the halls and ceiling corners. Whatever the case, the Idol kids have reportedly decamped to another house that is not, presumably, inhabited by demons.

6.
Tiger Woods has put his Privacy up for sale with an (alleged) asking price of $25,000,000. There isn't enough Pine-Sol and sage in the world to get Your Mama to step up on that boat.

7.
Much to the chagrin of many, Your Mama has so far refrained from discussing or commenting on the much-yakked about recent record-breaking $100,000,000 purchase of a Silicon Valley mega-mansion by Russian born venture capitalist Yuri Milner.

The approximately 30,000 square foot French chateau-style pile was not listed on the open market but previous reports and the architect's website reveal the opulent mansion wraps around a central courtyard with fountain and includes main rooms unconventionally located on the second level to take advantage of the "dramatic Bay views." The cavernous entrance hall has soaring double-height ceilings and a massive skylight surrounded by a hand-painted fresco. One wing includes generous entertainment spaces that include a ballroom, formal dining room, home theater, wine cellar and a separate wing contains family rooms and bedroom suites. The property includes vast lawns, large loggias, both indoor and outdoor swimming pools and a tennis court.

When it came to the design and construction of the hotel-sized house there was not, the architect William Hablinski told the the Wall Street Journal, "a real budget." Given that Mister Milner is not likely to occupy the residence full time but rather only when in town to over see investments in tech superstar companies such as Facebook, Groupon. and Zynga, it all seems like a terrible waste of money and resources. But then again, we're not in the same real estate league as a nouveau rich Russian billionaire so who are we to judge, right?

30 comments:

Anonymous said...

Dearest Mama: I do hope you are not putting us on with your incredible stories of your dissolute friends. Far from me to say they are not true, but I hope for your credibility that they are. (That last remark was ambiguous in meaning on purpose).
I gather Madonna is still an exercise junkie. I always thought the best remark about all that was her ex's remark, at the time of their divorce. that going to bed with her was like "snuggling up to a piece of gristle."

Anonymous said...

Can we suspect that Woods is feeling financially a bit pinched and that is why he is selling his yacht? And could we have the great pleasure soon of finding Charlie S. financially pinched, please dear God. I do wish that both of them prove to be such spendthrifts that they end up with next to nothing as their careers sink below the horizon.

Anonymous said...

Most people don't know that Laura Bush has a very sophisticated sense of design, a genuine appreciation and understanding of good design, be it furniture or fabrics or architecture.

For the ranch and then for the house in town, she has favored the lines that are repped through the George Cameron Nash showroom in Dallas. Those lines range from Holly Hunt and Christian Liagre furniture to fabrics by Rogers and Goffigon and Rose Tarlow.

You get all that when you see the picture of Laura Bush in the New York Times seated at a desk in the ranch house. It's quite a beautiful setting. This is definitely not Rosalyn Carter in Plains.

People also don't know that Dallas has some of the best interior design in the country. Go look at the Dallas high end real estate web sites (Allie Beth Allman, Doug Newby, etc.) and arguably you will see more good interior design in their listings than anywhere else in America.

Anonymous said...

@ anon 4:33- I can't see how you put Charlie Sheen & Tiger Woods in the same category with regard to careers. Tiger actually has talent, Charlie has Hollywood - the land of the subjective. It seems unlikely that a former economics major at Stanford would turn spendthrift. On the other hand, Charlie Sheen, who was expelled from high school, has drug problems, 3 ex-wives, 4 baby mommas, allegations of domestic violence and endless examples of crazy just might sink below the horizon.

Speaking of which, how can Charlie Sheen be in need of a loan? What did he do with all of that 2.5 men $?

The Devoted Classicist said...

I get more than a bad vibe from the $100,000,000 San Francisco house. But perhaps some good decorating can make it all work.

Anonymous said...

Forgot to note in my comments above: I'm not a Republican, and I don't live in Dallas.

Madam Pince said...

Mama, it's always good to read reports about Fiona. However, Sister Woman's activities have not been recently relayed. Do let us know how she fares.

I'm a screaming liberal in every sense of the word, but I always liked Laura Bush because she was a librarian and book lover like me. That house ain't bad, although I couldn't tolerate her roommate for long.

angie said...

How nice that George's fortune wasn't affected by his policies which crippled the rest of the world so Laura could continue indulging her 'sophisticated sense of design'. That photo of Laura seated at her desk does speak volumes - definitely not Rosalyn Carter in Plains who has spent her life as a leading advocate for numerous causes, most notably mental health and equal rights.

Wonderful weekend wrap up Mama.

lintmag said...

The mega-manse in Los Altos Hills even made the regular news in the Bay Area, complete with paparazzi-esque helicopter view. Oddly though, the reporter claimed the hangmungous house only had 5 bedrooms! That would be one of the strangest things if true. Maybe she just read her copy wrong.

Anonymous said...

RE Laura Bush as decorator. Please tell me what those two unicorn-like thingies are in the room behind her. They have wildly phallic implications. Does she not realize what they might imply about her married life?

Anonymous said...

Hate to be a bitch but Tiger was never extending an invitation to you to board his yacht anyway so you can put your PineSol away, Mama. And, I'm guessing if he did, your fat ass would be on deck faster than you can say open bar, boozehound.

Anonymous said...

Honestly Mama, I find your stories to be ridiculously far-fetched which leads me to believe that they are either fake or extremely embellished. If these stories are real, you should be writing a book. Would you care to confirm? Not trying to call you out or anything, I'm genuinely interested to know if they're real or not.

Ingrid Casares said...

Mama, people on the market here in the big apple are talking that Kabbalah Kween - Madonna - is asking for US$ 46,2 million. Do you believe it ? That ridiculous amount of money for an apartment that have several units combined ? Do you know when she's going to seel it ? When her school for girls in Malawi gets ready...NEVER !!
What she should do is (re)build the walls she put down and sell the units separately, so she could see some money close to that montain she desperately wants !!

Anonymous said...

Mama:

Mazel tov to Ginny and Pedro, Pablo, or Pancho! Please post pictures of the wedding, and do include one of Fiona as the maid of honor.

And if Fiona snapped a photo of her bearded, barrel-chested, beer-bellied man (yum!) on her i-phone, post that one as well, as it's Billy whom the children most want to see!

Rabbi LaTess

Anonymous said...

oh Mama,

as usual you've put a smile on my day.

I live in an area of mixed characters and there are plenty of Fionas and Bud Wiser sorts routinely doing just what you've described; far be it from me to question veracity.

Thanks for yet another nugget of fun from Crazyland.

Anonymous said...

Why would Sheen need a loan when he's been paid such obscene money for what is nothing more than a somewhat passable way to fritter away half an hour once a week? Oy.

I feel for his dad. Trainwreck kids are heartbreak squared but public ones have got to be another kind of excruciating altogether.

Makes the old monied W.A.S.P. credo seem quite sensible: one's name should appear in the papers only thrice - at birth, marriage, and death.

Anonymous said...

Geezus straight out of a DEL SHORES play. LOL.

Carol said...

to madam pince and angie....*ditto* and *ditto*...my sentiments exactly, thank you ! And to the "anon" haters and critics....it's a free country, Mama can say whatever she damn well pleases and if you don't like it then why the hell do you read her blog ?? Personally, it's the brightest spot of most of my days, and I wouldn't change a thing....pleeeeze Mama, don't change a thing ;-)

Carol said...

and p.s. I couldn't care less if the stories about fiona and sister woman are true or the BIGGEST LIES EVER TOLD !! nothing cracks me up more than the misadventures of those two !! it's funny, why does have to be "real" ?

Anonymous said...

I would burn Tiger's yacht to the ground before I stepped foot on that STD riddled boat.

MarkyMark said...

Although I'm a flaming liberal etc, politics aside I've long suspected that the Bushes were privately quite different and much more interesting people than their folksy public image, very carefully crafted by their handlers to avoid ever upsetting the knuckle-dragging "base", a key ingredient of which was the phony movie-set-like "ranch" created for them in 2000 on a former pig farm.

Note that if anyone is inspired to take after Laura and start watching the lively BBC-TV 1920s period-drama "The House of Eliott" (1991-1994), that it ends high and dry on a dramatic cliff-hanger which was never resolved, because the BBC pulled the plug on the production after the end of the third series. It hearkens back to a long-ago age when the BBC still made productions for mature adults.

Anonymous said...

Why the hell would someone pay 100M to live in Los Altos? LOL.

Seems a bit high for that area. Or the Bay Area in general.

Jeannified said...

Gorgeous interior of that $100 million home, but then again, it should be.

Anonymous said...

I guess when you design beautiful $100M homes like William Hablinski, you have incredible taste, like in his wife to be, Newport Beach Beauty, Nikki Sensale. Good taste, beauty and class never go out of style...

Anonymous said...

Sorry Momma, its Nicky Sensale and William Hablinski.

Lourdes said...

Architect nightmare.Fred Sands is sueing William Hablinski for $2 Million? Yep. Also, Nicky Sensale left Bill Hablinski, after learning he was living a double life, he was still married (to Leigh Hablinski)and proposed to her...Bill and Leigh actually live in Austin not LA... He hooked up with Nicky 4 months after she lost her husband and promised her the world. Poor girl. Just the kind of guy you want around, not! Dirty Rat. Everything is big in Texas, even the size of their lies. Nicky is a beauty but I hear Leigh is a loaded $$$$$$ ugly angel. Guess money can buy you love Bill...until Fred Sands takes it all.

pARK rANGER said...

MAYBE BILL HABLINSKI LEARNED ALL HIS TRICKS FROM HIS CLIENT, THE FAMOUS ARNOLD. WILLIAM HABLINSKI HAS BEEN A SKIRT CHASER FOR DECADES. THAT SENSALE GIRL SHOULD BE THANKFUL HE HAS A HOMELY WIFE BACK IN TEXAS THAT WONT LET HIM GO DUE TO HER FEAR OF LOSING HIM, OMG PLEASE CUPCAKE, SHAME ON YOU LEE, YOU ARE SO 1950"S! HA!...AS FOR MISS NICKY, THATS SOME GOOD LUCK GIRLFRIEND, YOU'LL SEE MY LOVELY. THEY WILL BOTTOM OUT, ALL IN GOOD TIME. HIS WIFE WILL TAKE HER BUNDLES OF MOULA AND LEAVE THAT BOZO LOOKING FART WILLIAM HABLINSKI, HE WILL BE LOOKING FOR HIS LONG LOST BEAUTY FROM NEWPORT BEACH, LIKE A DOG WITH HIS TAIL BETWEEN HIS LEGS.

Anonymous said...

William Hablinski is still crazy for Nikki. But looooves all that moula his wife got. Those Hablinski boys go for and stay with the babes with dough. Nikki got some good luck gettin away from this one in the neck of time. Image the lies. Wow. It's not easy living a double life. Ha BIll. Dirty RAT. Always has been.

Anonymous said...

who is this nicky chick? want to see a picture thanks.

Anonymous said...

Ok wow just saw her picture now I see why Bill Hablinski, fell in love. And still is...she apparently dumped him.