Listen puppies, we're running short on time and low on energy today so we're going to be brief and perhaps less pithy than usual. At 2:45 this morning Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter were rudely awakened by a car horn blaring into the quiet night. We shuffled down stairs and peeped through the living room window just in time to see our boozy b.f.f. Fiona Trambeau slither out of a late model Dodge Charger and on to the street. Not surprisingly a bearded, barrel-chested and beer-bellied bruiser of a man came around the car to help a wobbly Fiona stand up on her Lucite wedge heels and squeeze her chee-chees back into a bespangled and not particularly clean tube top.
As Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter stepped out into the crisp air Fiona shrieked and cooed with delight. "Oh hi, hunnies! This here's Billy. We met him at Martoonis the other day and he was nice enough to drive little ol' me down from Frisco."
"Fiona, gurl, what are you doing here?"
"Didn't I call you to tell you I was coming? No? Well, I gotta get out to J.T. to see Ginny. Beehawtcha's getting married again on Wednesday." J.T. is Joshua Tree and Ginny is Fiona's step-mother Virginia Slim who has been married at least 7 times, including three times to a postal worker who goes by the name Bud Wiser.
"Is she marrying that dumb-ass Bud again?"
"No siree," she whistled through the gap where her left eye tooth should be and was the last time we saw her. "This time it's some some twenty-something year old hot body named Pedro or Pablo or Pancho whom she met when he bagged her groceries at the Piggly-Wiggly or whatever damn market it is they got out there. That crazy woman just met the man two weekends ago and that sumbitch already moved in to her trailer with his 12 year old nephew and some goddam cats. You know how Ginny is. If a man even looks at her in a manner she interprets as sexual she's determined to get him to marry her 87-pound bag of bones. I'm going to be the maid of honor again, of course. Daddy, God rest his cirrhotic liver, would want it that way don't you think?"
Needless to say, Your Mama and Fiona (plus our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly) are off to Joshua Tree tomorrow for the big weddin'. We sent Billy and his Dodge Charger on his way just as soon as he rousted himself from his alcohol stupor at 2pm today.
Anyhoo, we digress...
Just before addled and ego maniacal actor Charlie Sheen jumped on his broomstick–or whatever mode of transportation is preferred by self-proclaimed warlocks–and headed to Motor City where he was unceremoniously booed off the stage during the opening of his Violent Torpedo of Truth stage show last night, he closed escrow on a 9,000-plus square foot mansion in the Mulholland Estates, the very same guard-gated Los Angeles community where he currently lives in a smaller mansion with his gaggle "goddess" gal pals.
The house, originally listed at $7,495,000, was sold by Hollywood heavyweight Mike Medavoy. Property records (and previous reports) reveal wild-eyed Mister Sheen paid a suitably complicated $6,999,999 for the 6 bedroom and 9 bathroom mansion.
The day before the deal was done Your Mama heard from one of our real estate industry pals with an ear to the ground in Bev Hills who told us that Mister Sheen paid for the house in part with a $4,100,000 cash loan from–are you ready for this, chickens?–Lenny Dykstra. We can't confirm or deny whether there's a shred of truth to that but, children, even the rumor is fascinating. What's most suspicious about the rumor is that Mister Dysktra went belly up bankrupt in 2009 and lost at least one humongaloid house in suburban L.A. to foreclosure so how he came up with four and some million bucks to (allegedly) loan to a loose cannon like Charlie Sheen is a bit of a mystery.
Unlucky in love actress Renee Zellweger recently busted up with her actor-beau Bradley Cooper. She had better luck selling her two New York City apartments that she listed in late 2010 with an asking price of $8,925,000. According to The New York Times this week, the two units, which combined measure around 5,000 square feet and include a large 1 bedroom and 1 pooper unit and a far larger unit with 3 bedrooms and 3.5 bathrooms were recently put into contract by actress Leelee Sobieski and her fashion designer husband Adam Kimmel.
This one is for the republican children: The New York Times recently had a brief visit with former first lady Laura Bush as the Texas ranch she shares with her gum-smacking former president huzband George.
Curbed has an update on the expansion and reconstruction of the massive New York City mansion bought by Madonna last year for $32,000,000. The Kabbalah Kween, an unrepentant real estate size queen if there ever was one, added an entire floor to the already gigantic triple-wide townhouse in the East 80s, reportedly to house her home gym. Current work visible by her new neighbors includes the installation of a roof top deck.
Your Mama has heard through the gossip grapevine–but can not confirm–that The Kabbalah Kween has her multi-unit combination spread at Harperley Hall on the Upper West Side quietly on the market with a number so high that Your Mama dare not (and will not) repeat it because we just don't believe she'd be so damn foolish to ask that amount that high.
There are multitudes of reports that the giant mansion off of Mulholland Drive in Los Angeles where the American Idol contestants are living is haunted with a possibly demonic presence. Pleeze. While matriculating back in the Dark Ages Your Mama lived in a turn of the century-farmhouse we believed to be haunted by a man in a dark suite and a black hat so far be it from Your Mama to poo-poo reports of paranormal activity. None the less, we're going to poo-poo anyway because we smell a publicity ploy and find it a difficult to believe that a newly built mega-mansion could have any spirits lingering in the halls and ceiling corners. Whatever the case, the Idol kids have reportedly decamped to another house that is not, presumably, inhabited by demons.
Tiger Woods has put his Privacy up for sale with an (alleged) asking price of $25,000,000. There isn't enough Pine-Sol and sage in the world to get Your Mama to step up on that boat.
Much to the chagrin of many, Your Mama has so far refrained from discussing or commenting on the much-yakked about recent record-breaking $100,000,000 purchase of a Silicon Valley mega-mansion by Russian born venture capitalist Yuri Milner.
The approximately 30,000 square foot French chateau-style pile was not listed on the open market but previous reports and the architect's website reveal the opulent mansion wraps around a central courtyard with fountain and includes main rooms unconventionally located on the second level to take advantage of the "dramatic Bay views." The cavernous entrance hall has soaring double-height ceilings and a massive skylight surrounded by a hand-painted fresco. One wing includes generous entertainment spaces that include a ballroom, formal dining room, home theater, wine cellar and a separate wing contains family rooms and bedroom suites. The property includes vast lawns, large loggias, both indoor and outdoor swimming pools and a tennis court.
When it came to the design and construction of the hotel-sized house there was not, the architect William Hablinski told the the Wall Street Journal, "a real budget." Given that Mister Milner is not likely to occupy the residence full time but rather only when in town to over see investments in tech superstar companies such as Facebook, Groupon. and Zynga, it all seems like a terrible waste of money and resources. But then again, we're not in the same real estate league as a nouveau rich Russian billionaire so who are we to judge, right?