BUYER: Megan Fox
LOCATION: Los Angeles, CA
SIZE: 5,200 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 5 bathrooms
YOUR MAMAS NOTES: In late November, sultry and sexual Transformers ack-tress Megan Fox went on the boob-toob and told the world that she bought her on-again/off-again boy-beau Brian Austin Green a red 1966 Ford Mustang Fastback. A few weeks later, according to Freddie Feedsusinformation who knows all things real estate in Los Feliz, Miss Fox also bought herself a new home in the Los Feliz area of Los Angeles for, according to property records, $2,942,500.
Listen children, Your Mama has never seen a Transformers movie nor do we intend to see one. Therefore, what little we know about Miss Fox is, for better or worse, based on what we've read in the gossip glossies and on the interweb. Our completely meaningless assessment of Miss Fox is that beehawtcha has a tendency towards verbal diarrhea, frequently whining to the press about everything including Transformers director Michael Bay, her absent boyfriend, the Hollywood grind, and how men are "scared of confident vaginas." Oh, lo-ward have mercy on Miss Fox. Your Mama will slap the sexy right off her 23-year old damn face if she starts complaining about the fat paychecks she pulls in from her crappy acting jobs that allow her to spend millions on a fancy new house.
Listen up her little Miss Fox because Your Mama is going to give you some free and sage advice about how to remain viable in Tinseltown when you've yet to reveal any real acting chops: Bitch and bellyache all you want to your friends and family about how terrible it is it be pretty and how tiresome it it to be compared to Angelina Jolie–who, Miss Fox, is actually an Oscar winning actress, something you'd be so lucky to be–but we suggest you put a sensor in your large-lipped mouth when talking to the press because listening to rich and privileged 20-something year old celebrities complain about their success tends to grate on fans' nerves like nails on a chalkboard and, at the rate you're going, you're going to blather your way to the graveyard of forgotten starlets.
Anyhoo, property records for the mini-manse Your Mama is told Miss Fox bought indicates the 1936 Mediterranean measures 4,052 square feet and includes 4 bedrooms and 5 poopers. Listing information for the recently re-worked residence, however, states the there are 5,200 square feet with 5 bedrooms and 4 poopers including a master suite with walk-in closet, private terrace and a spa-like bathroom with lots of Carrara marble, a free standing soaking tub and a terlit closet that, we are happy to report, has a window.
The house also includes a formal living room with fireplace and several French doors that open to a tiled terrace that runs along the back of the house, a formal dining room, family room, media/pool table room, and a newly done dee-luxe kitchen with wood floors, snow white flat-fronted cabinetry, a Hyundai-sized Viking range, Carrara marble counter tops, and a huge window above the sink with a view of downtown L.A. that is so lovely that it could probably even entice the Dr. Cooter–who avoids dishpan hands with a fervor akin to a middle aged first wife avoiding a much younger plastic boobied second wife–to do some after dinner dishes.
The walled and gated home, according to listing information, also has custom hardwood floors, dee-ziner poopers, restored vintage details, whole-house audio, panoramic views that stretch from downtown to the ocean, a pill-shaped swimming pool with several terraces and lawn areas surrounding it, and–natch–state-of-the-art security which means any of you moe-rons who have the dumb-ass idea to knock on Miss Fox's new door will be greeted with some serious and deserved unpleasantness.
It's unclear if Miss Fox's former fiancée and current man-friend Brian Austin Green, he of Beverly Hills 90210 fame, will be moving his underpants into her new digs but, given that he currently has his 1920s Tudor style house in the Hollywood Hills on the market at $2,395,000, there's a pretty good chance he'll soon need a place to park his Ford Mustang.
photos: William McCullum for Elite Property and Estates