Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Velvet Rope Queen Rachel Uchitel–Otherwise Known as the Alleged Mistress of Tiger Woods–Lists Las Vegas Condo

SELLER: Rachel Uchitel
LOCATION: Turnberry Place, Las Vegas, NV
PRICE: $1,350,000
SIZE: 1,556 square feet, 2 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Decorator furnished designer ground floor penthouse. 14 ft. ceilings and floor to ceiling windows. HUGE private terrace, approx. 1,700 sq. ft. with views of lush landscaping and Hilton neon sign. Private walk and entrance to pool. An entertainers dream!

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Okay puppies, buckle your safety belts because thanks to Leonard Looselipsinlasvegas Your Mama is gonna get all tabloid on the children's backsides and discuss the Las Vegas, NV condo listed for sale at $1,350,000 by none other than Rachel Uchitel, the large lipped and too much in the news woman who may or may not have had an illicit affair with toothy golf guru Tiger Woods. It seems we can't turn on the damn tee-vee without being assaulted and confronted with the "news" about ol' Tiger running his Cadillac Escalade up on a tree in his Florida front yard and subsequently (and allegedly) offering to pay his blondie ladee-wife Elin many millions of smackers to stay married to his wholesome, clean cut and allegedly cheating butt.

At the center of the tabloid storm is our 30-something year old Miss Uchitel, who publicly denies having an illicit relationship with the golf great even though there is some circumstantial and unsubstantiated evidence that her recent trip Down Under–where Mister Woods won the Australian Masters–was booked and paid for by Mister Wood's peeps. Denial or no denial, affair or no affair, this ain't Miss Uchitel's first time at the star screwing tabloid rodeo. It wasn't so long ago that Miss Uchitel made a blip on the tabloid radar amid whispers, rumors and reports that she had done the dirty with actor David Boreanaz (Bones). Of course, Your Mama don't know nuthin' about that bit o' bidness other than Mister and Missus Boreanaz recently listed their Los Angeles home for just over three million clams. A real estate co-inky-dink? You decide. But that's another story for another time.

Here are a few other bio-bits that Your Mama has bothered to piece together from the interweb about Miss Uchitel: Although she once had a job producing news segments for Bloomberg News, working the velvet rope and entertaining high profile customers comes quite naturally, even genetically, to Miss Uchitel. Her grandfather, a man named Maurice Uchitel, once owned the celeb friendly Eden Roc Hotel in Miami and in the late 1960s owned the legendary and star stuffed El Morroco nightclub on West 54th Street in Manhattan. In 2006, Miss Uchitel made a professional 180 and moved to Las Vegas in order to open and run the VIP operations at the celebrity packed nightclub and restaurant Tao. Sometime in 2008, Miss Uchitel packed up her little black book and Jimmy Choos and headed back to New York where she oversaw VIP operations at a number of famous folk filled clubs like Stanton Social, Tao Bistro and Marquee. In the summer of 2008, Miss Uchitel commuted on weekends to the Hamp-toons where she worked her VIP stuff as the director of VIP operations for the Southampton outpost of Pink Elephant. According to a magazine profile from the summer of 2008, Miss Uchitel loves Saint-Tropez–natch–has a couple of dogs with the improbable and unfortunate names of Ozzy Osbourne and Rudy Guiliani, and dreams of following in her family foot steps by opening a modern day El Morocco.

Now that we all know more than we ever cared to know about Miss Uchitel, let's get down to real estate brass tacks. Property records reveal that Miss Uchitel purchased her "ground floor penthouse" at Las Vegas' multi-towered Turnberry Place complex in October of 2006 for $820,000. Ground floor penthouse? What the hell is that? Your Mama thinks that by definition a penthouse apartment sits on top of a building not on the damn grand floor. Anyhoo, records and listing information show this so-called "ground floor penthouse" measures 1,556 square feet, has another 1,700-ish square feet of private terrace and includes 2 bedrooms and 2 poopers.

We don't have a clue if Miss Uchitel and her nice, gay decorator are the folks responsible for the chocolate and cream colored decorating scheme or if it was a previous owner who made the mistake of green-lighting the installation of that upsetting and decoratively undignified copper mosaic tiled wall in the living room. Making the deeply disturbing mosaic matters worse is the dizzying, puzzle-like shelving unit installed on top of that glimmery and shimmery wall, which might be appropriate for a nightclub but not, and Your Mama repeats, not for a private residence. Ever. To the living/dining room's credit, there is a fab 14-foot ceiling and a long wall of floor to ceiling glass.

The gore-may kitchen is open to the combination living/dining room and has an unfortunate view of that ridiculous tile situation. The angled, galley kitchen features flat fronted wood cabinetry with an unusual but kind of nice of moiré effect, speckled beige and chocolate brown granite counter tops, a breakfast bar perfect for guests to sit and imbibe booze while the hostess makes dinner, and a full suite of top notch appliances including a Sub-Zero fridge and a Gaggenau range top.

According to listing information, the second bedroom–currently containing an cargo-ship sized desk–has a "built-in Asian Cabana," whatever that is, and a back wall punished by a grid of nine mirrored squares on which drunken guests might choose to play tic-tac-toe with lipstick. The master bedroom, all fabric walls and mood lighting, has electronically controlled curtains–which Your Mama's lazy butt loves–and a biscuit and beige marble pooper with built in cabinetry, a jetted tub and a separate shower stall.

One of the better amenities of Miss Uchitel's "ground floor penthouse" is the tremendous 1,700-ish square foot terrace that provides private access to one of the complex's many swimming pools. Unfortunately the terrace appears to be little more than a sizable slab of poured concrete with a few pieces of outdoor furniture tucked up into the corner, but that's easily remedied by a smart landscape architect. Other tidbits and treats include a custom sound system, touch pad controlled lighting and dimmers, and flat screen boob-toobs in every room. The Turnberry Place complex offers residents secured grounds, a 24-hour doorman, limo and valet service, exercise facilities and a multiple swimming pools. The Stirling Club, located in the heart of the complex offers fine dining options to invited members and their guests only.

Miss Uchitel currently resides in New York City so it's unclear how much or how often she uses her Las Vegas crib. Frankly, the place looks like it was staged by Staging Lady in a Pink Toyota so we kinda doubt she camps out there at all anymore. But as y'all know, Your Mama don't know nuthin' from a coffee cup. So really, who knows? Or maybe, who cares?

Tiger Woods and his obviously hurt and angry wife Elin have been living behind the gates of the Isleworth Golf and Country Club in Windermere, FL while building a major modern manse on 12-ish waterfront acres on Jupiter Island's S. Beach Road that The Palm Beach Post's gossip Jose Lambiet cattily described as a cross between a "Motel 6 and a beachside nursing home." Amid new and scandalous reports that Mister Woods may have had as many as 10 mistresses, the New York Post reported that last week–somehow, in the midst of all this tabloid fury–Mrs. Woods paid $2,290,000 for a house on an island near Stockholm in her native Sweden.

27 comments:

Anonymous said...

And tell me again what does she do for a living to pay for these diggs? Or better put, WHO is paying for her diggs(man trap pad)?

I'm sure all of America and the IRS want to know.

She is truly the Hostess with the Mostess.

JLo said...

Ground floor penthouse and a view of the neon Hilton sign? Girl needs to get herself a better realtor!

Madam Pince said...

That's an ass-ugly apartment, Mama! That installation in the living room would induce seizures. And what's with all the brown? The not-very-attractive Miss Uchitel seems to prefer masculine decor -- perhaps to match her tranny-ish appearance?

Anonymous said...

A "ground floor penthouse" is usually called a "maisonette" when attempting to sound klazzy. Miss Uchitel's realtor is just keeping it real.

Anonymous said...

What's the monthly fee on that place? It is already almost $1,000 a sq ft, and after you add the maintenance fee, it will be more expensive than LA and close to NYC. Good luck selling it in this market, especially in LV.

P.S. I think she is p!ssing away her inheritance. Doubt someone would pay for her place.

Anonymous said...

Excuse me...this is Vegas, people! I think (considering the city) this place looks great - just the vibe I would want in a Vegas pied a'terre. It screams "Vegas-chic" to me!

JB in Silver Lake said...

Oh sweet jeebus riding the clouds on his momma's broomstick - this "Vegas-chic" decorating abortion has made me want to poke my eyeballs out! Even for Vegas this thing is just butt-ugly and gawd-awful! And that price isn't even remotely close to anything that resembles reality. Then again, one does rather gets the feeling that this poor woman knows about as much about reality as say, hmmmm, the recently passed White Lady. Mama, I need a big fat nerve-pill after this trip of fantasy!

Anonymous said...

I'd like to know more about this "Asian cabana"... Sounds sexy!

Anonymous said...

Could someone tell me more about Jupiter Island? I've heard it is a sanctuary for seriously old-money WASPS...like Palm Beach, but with less...wannabes. Could anyone offer details?

Anonymous said...

Great looking place - love it!

Anonymous said...

Wow! A ground-floor penthouse. AND a view of the Neon Hilton sign.
What more could a girl want?

Crowley said...

Great write-up Mama. I love the frequent references to the "ground floor penthouse." What perplexing term. As for the decor, it looks like she buttonholed one of the decorators for one the clubs she works for.

Anonymous said...

Strangest feeling that tiger or one of these other celebs paid for this place....

Anonymous said...

Jupiter Island. The blue bloods refer to their portion of this particular strip of land between the intracoastal waterway and the ocean as Hobe Sound. That would be the designation under winter address in The Social Register. Life there revolves around the ultra exclusive and very restrictive club at the center of the community. The roads are narrow and windy with very lush tropical vegetation everywhere. Many of the estates can not be seen from the roads. This is not the gridded, in town and tall hedge vibe of PB at all. However, many in roads have been made by nouveau riche types. No idea where Tiger's property is. The southern end of the island is expensive but not exclusive, and it's typical Florida rich banality. (Burt Reynolds used to be down there.) Hobe Sound used to be full of Du Ponts, Rockefellers, Grandmother Bush, Reeds, etc. The other main place in Florida that the old money wasps still can claim as their own is Boca Grande, on the west coast. Very low key, very rich. Old Florida wooden architecture. This Rachel Uchitel, btw, has ties to Palm Beach: her mother has a condo there, and her maternal grandfather lived there as well (banking family from Cleveland).

Anonymous said...

I know Jupiter Island made the list of top 100 wealthiest towns in the USA a few years ago, along with places like Scarsdale, Indian creek Miami, Greenwich.

Anonymous said...

Elin's house on an island near Stockholm is actually a summer place, this is not unusual over here, that she bought with her sister according to local reports. Lots of expat Swedes have this sort of a solution so that the kiddies can learn the lingo while playing with their relatives during the summer (frankly, the only time anyone should really spend months in this currently dark and dreary region). The island purchase has been in the works for quite a while and, while it makes a fine tale, I don't really see that it is related in any way to the Thanksgiving melee.
Elin & Tiger also own an elegant and expensive apartment on the very quiet and dignified Lützengatan in the swanky Östermalm part of Stockholm, where nobody ever speaks to the press about anything, thank you very much.
Re Mlle Uchitel, this link to a very interesting little piece over at Deadspin about her job seemed to ring true to me: http://deadspin.com/5416948/chaos-in-tigerland-a-deadspin-investigation-into-the-sexual-habits-of-pro-athletes

The Preppy Pauper said...

How odd that she lives (lived?) in such an overtly masculine space.

Anonymous said...

I know what's wrong with this place - the strip pole is missing!

Anonymous said...

Can someone explain to me how a 820,000 condo in 2006, near the height of the RE bubble, is somehow now worth over 1.3M? Does she actually think because she helped destroy a family it is worth more. Rachel, you are no Elin Nordegren

Anonymous said...

Compared to the parade of females in the Tiger Circus, Ashley Dupre is starting to look like a classy woman.

Village said...

Does this apartment strike anyone else as a model apartment? How old are these condos? I agree this was designed with a man in mind. Maybe their target was single men, hence the decor. Or she bought it from a man, but it has been overly done, no matter who it is for. Okay, I get the square. Squares. Maybe it was designed for a square. Sometime decorators will do that if the don't like a client.

There was a internet billionaire who was trying to buy a Gulfstream. When he found there was a 2 year wait, he purchased a plane and had it redone, planning to sell it in two years when his new plane was delivered. As he was sitting it is with his plane designer, he noticed the back of the leather seats had been pulled into an off center gathering. He asked his designed, "Why would a decorator ever do that?', and she replied, "Maybe she thought her client was a asshole." True story.

Sometimes I also wonder how much stylists like their clients.

Et tu, Tiger? said...

Ms. Ugh-itels place looks like the embodiment of what one of J.R. Ewings present-day trollop's pads would look like. How convenient, she "kept" a place in Vegas...

celebrityauto said...

Mama -

This may be one of your best (and funniest) articles yet! Keep the celeb real estate news coming...

Kindest regards,

Kae Davis

Celebrity Property Examiner & Hollywood Culture Examiner

Shared @celebrityauto on Twitter

gayhooker said...

I imagine [400 thread count]syphilis infested sheets.

Anonymous said...

A senator jumped into the Reflecting Pool.with his mistress. Yhe uproar lasted about a week.Pete Rose got caught for gambling,Uproar lasted for two weeks.A non white Tiger woods cheats on his ,a private matter really and the Media goes after him like he cheated with each of their mothers.Why does the white controled Media show so much bias in reporting news,when non white celebries get in trouble andlow-bal the news on White Racism is alive and living well,out in public. Thanks to tha Media and other sources of communications that feed off of it.

Anonymous said...

I'm in Vegas , sadly , there are dozens of these apartments in this building starting at $300k , $1,350,000 mistake shorely?

Glenda Glasrud said...

Ground floor penthouse and a view of the neon Hilton sign? Girl needs to get herself a better realtor!