Friday, August 7, 2009

A New Suburban Set-up for Kevin Federline

RENTER: Kevin Federline
LOCATION: Summit Ridge Circle, Chatsworth, CA
PRICE: $7,900/month
SIZE: 6,673 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 6 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Majestic NEW CONSTRUCTION! Custom estate in the prestigious guard-gated community of Summit Ridge. Travertine marble with inlaids, mahogany wood floors, high quality carpet, gorgeous crown moldings and wall details throughout the house. Custom gourmet kitchen with stunning granite counters, stainless steel top-of-the-line appliances, beg center island with sink & wine refrigerator, large pantry with shelves. Office/library adjacent to beautiful Family Room. Huge Master Bedroom with panoramic views, fireplace, professionally designed closet, conversation area and adjacent balcony. Master bathroom with separate shower, jacuzzi tub and his/her vanities. GAME ROOM/GYM with elegant BAR & STEAM SAUNA. Gorgeous THEATRE/MEDIA ROOM prewired for surround sound system. BEAUTIFUL FINISHED WINE CELLAR. Intercom in all room. Three zone Heating/AC system. State of the art central vacuum. Waterless water heaters!

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: A number of gossip blogs and fan sites have recently reported that Britney Spears' former huzband and baby daddy Kevin Federline vacated the suburban mansion he was renting in Tarzana, CA and decamped to a new suburban mansion in Chatsworth, CA. (Yes, butter beans, strange as it may sound, Kevin Federline has fan sites.) Although Chatsworth is widely considered to be the unofficial capital of the pornography industry, we don't imagine that had anything to do with the Fed-Ex's decision to pack up the Federtots and set up household deep in the San Fernando Valley.

Listen chickens, but for his brief betrothal to the once wild and crazy pop super star Britney Spears, we find Mister Federline about as appealing as doing our damn taxes. However, believe it or not, Your Mama has received an uncommonly large number of inquiries asking for a few tidbits about Fatty Federline's new digs. We've resisted all the pleading and prodding for quite some time but, alas, we are only human and came to the ugly conclusion that resistance is futile. It seems the only way to make all those folks interested in the doings of Mister Federline stop asking Your Mama about the doings of Mister Federline was, at risk of our own psychic peril, to discuss the real estate doings of Mister Federline. So, we will. However, we're gonna keep it short iffin we can and we're gonna imbibe booze at a rapid rate while tapping our fingers to the nubbins in an effort to remain sane while diving deep into the depths of quasi-celebrity real estate hell.

Mister Federline's need to live behind gates is obvious and according to previous reports and listing information we managed to dig up, Mister Federline's new crib occupies a hillside lot in an small, expensive and gated community in Chatsworth called Summit Ridge. The property in question was put up for sale in early 2008 with an asking price of $2,299,000 but after a peep into property records it does not appear to Your Mama that Mister Federline purchased the 6,673 square foot hot mess. With the help of Babbling Babette, we managed to dig up some information on the property that indicates the 5 bedroom and 6 pooper property had also been available for lease with an asking price of $7,900 per month. Your Mama presumes, but does not know for sure, that Mister Federline is leasing the property, probably for less than $7,900 but no doubt still four times more than someone would have to pay Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter to live up in this house with its bland and not quite symmetrical front facade.

We can't be bothered to discuss each of the rooms in the house because it would be far too depressing and we can't be troubled to tear apart the impressively banal interiors which, not surprisingly, have been all did up in that distressing and beige suburban tract house style we've come to associate with big and expensive but not particularly well designed properties in planned developments not just in Los Angeles but all around the good ol' U.S. of A. And do not even get Your Mama going on the wacky mantel in the living room or those two cabinets in the game room haphazardly stuck up on the wall or that horrifying blue carpeting in the "theatre/media room" that's woven with images of popcorn and film reels and makes Your Mama want to run needles through our eyeballs. Have mercy.

We expect more of this house will be seen on Mister Federline's upcoming reality show which may or may not have something to do with him raising up his kids and trying to lose the excess weight he's packed on since getting a dee-vorce from his Mrs. Gravy Train. Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter will watch just about any reality program once but we can assure you Mister Federline's show will never flicker across our boob-toob because, frankly, we could care less about watching him golf, diet, bicker with his athletic gurlfriend, endorse weight loss products, raise his kids (even if they are Britney Spears' children) or do anything else for that matter.

None the less, we sincerely wish Mister Federline all the best. We all have to scratch out a living the best way we can and from the sound of things he's hauling in a lot more bank than Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter (who is a doctah for love of jeezis), so bully for him. Now then, we got scalding shower and a fat nerve pill calling our name asking us to forget about everything we just discussed. We suggest y'all do the same.

28 comments:

Anonymous said...

Klassy. Not.

Mama....Classy. Absolutely.

Madam Pince said...

Out of all the ugly houses Mama so generously brings to the chirren, this, I believe, takes the prize. It's a collection of every nouveau-riche design cliche imaginable.

I thought the carpet "that's woven with images of popcorn and film reels" was covered with bumblebees, raccoons and doves. Makes about as much sense as popcorn and film reels.

P.S. -- Mama, you and the Dr. Cooter deserve to get paid a lot more than Fatty Federline.

Anonymous said...

Say what you will about Mr. Federline's choice of abodes but he'll likely have the last-laugh...He is a consummate entrepreneur as well as a talented (and underappreciated) musician in his own right. Word has it that his next album, a hip-hop tour de force, is a classic in the making...doesn't give him any better taste in real estate however :)

Anonymous said...

You know it's bad when you can't even look at an UNFURNISHED house.

Anonymous said...

Oh, dear Father! Why are such houses ever built? I just can't handle it. However, if I were to imagine an "appropriate" home for Mr. Federline, I suppose it might look something like this place.
Mama, would you please give the children an update on Mr. and Mrs. Melissa Joan Hart? I hear they sold Sherman Oaks and bought in Maliboo and Connecticut...

Anonymous said...

Isn't it one of the houses from the Ogodelov (ir, what's his name) estates in Moscow? Look exactly like one, and I suppose, on the inside, too.

By the way, this looks EXACTLY like K-Fat to me.

Anonymous said...

OMG this house is awful. I initially thought the watermark/logo in the bottom right corner of each picture said "CRISIS Net" - which would have been completely appropriate. I'd hate to live across the street from this pile and have to look at it everyday...blech.

Anonymous said...

Tha media room, you can smell that carpet. Looks as if the relative had died and the family left behind what tat they didn't want. Or since its new, tat they didn't want in the decesed's house.

White Chocolate Mess said...

Mama please for the love of Jesus please show us something pretty before you close shop for the weekend.....this here done hurt my eyeballs something fierce. And the thought of k-overfed chomping on jumbo jacks in that god awful kitchen makes me wanna pop a few sedatives my damn self.

Nancy/PA said...

My "favorite" feature is the ornate railing that ends mid-staircase and just turns into a handrail.
K-Fed is a talented musician? Who knew. I heard his rap on some show and it sounded like the rhyming of a 6-year-old.

Anonymous said...

Love this blog, check it daily but as to the Federline post...sorry, who cares.

Grrrowler said...

I just don't understand the pseudo-grandiosity of so many of these new houses. This is not some large private estate; it's a modern wood frame cookie-cutter house. Lipstick on a pig is the phrase that leaps to mind.

As for the carpet in the theater room, it's there so that the occupants can tell it apart from all the other rooms that look exactly alike.

JB in Silver Lake said...

Oh dear jeebis, majestic is not the word I'd use to describe this pile of architectural abortion. And it's NEW CONSTRUCTION? WTF???? Did the architect get his/her degree out of a Cracker-Jack box? Offensive to the eyes doesn't even begin to describe it. Which, I guess, makes it right up "Fatty Federline's" alley (Mama, you slay me...Fatty Federline indeed!)

I think I'm gonna take your advice and go find a big fat nerve pill to wipe this travesty from what's left of my mind!

pch said...

This looks like a really bad Woodland Hills remodel where a contractor doubled as the "architect" with some help from the experts at Home Depot.

If Federline is working on a new record, I hope he's found some flow since that cringe-worthy performance at the Teen Choice Awards. The one where his hype-man's skills made his look like amateur night. Ah, I see Nancy had the same thought. I mean that sincerely, by the way. Would love to be pleasantly surprised.

My captcha word is "methnest"

gregory said...

I laughed myself silly reading this comments.

Anywho, The house it self is as impressive and any nonimpressive poorly built mcmansion. What I can't get past this all those stair just to get to the front door, the horror, imagine having lug all the federtots up those stairs.

I have a feeling will be reading about his next new rental with in 6 months. Maybe this time he'll move to Moreno Valley. :-)

Anonymous said...

This is why you must hire an architect if you're building a house. I think I'd go mad if I lived here. At least he didn't buy this place.

MarkyMark said...

IMHO he should by The Hoff's house featured some days back. From the looks of this place, he'd be right at home with Hoff's taste, and wouldn't have to change a thing - thereby sparing some poor Nice Gay Decorator a nervous breakdown.

Anonymous said...

That hideous pile is the ultimate representation of everything that led up to and caused the housing crises we are all struggling to survive now...a grandiose piece of crap...

Anonymous said...

This house sucks.

StPaulSnowman said...

What a relief to see that California is also plagued by the Casa Home Depota look. I think that the much discussed carpet will be perfect camouflage for those little mishaps during Mr. Federline's home liposuction..........calling Dr. Murray!

Anonymous said...

The funniest thing was the MLS description--wow, haven't seen so many mistakes--"waterless water heater"--think about it. Howabout "tankless" water heater. I really trust that agent's opinion of fine homes.

The sad part about the house is that K-Fed is still a renter. He got a 5 mil payout plus gets prob 20k per month to raise the kids. He wanted to be a star so bad he couldn't stand it--blew through the cash. Should have bought a nice 1.5 mil home and invested the rest. Then live off the Britney checks--cuz they run out at 18.

He's the next Larry Fortensky--memba him Mama's kids!!

Mama's black sheep in Weho,
Playing nice for now.

Oh, about the house--I ain't even gonna go there. We'll dazzle your mind with sq footage!!!

Anonymous said...

Oh my gawdz...it looks like a bad apartment building trying to be a real house.

Nathan said...

Loving the movie theater carpet... lol

Anonymous said...

Ugh...ack...gack.

Words fail me.

gwen2xs said...

chatsworth. which pretty much says it all.

Sandpiper said...

Majestic? MAGESTIC?

Mama, may I please have the pencil next?

Anonymous said...

OMG I can't believe this building even exists... Fuck Chatsworth.

Anonymous said...

Brittany gets to pay the bills for this pile.