Wednesday, August 5, 2009

David Hasselhoff re-lists Encino Estate

SELLER: David Hasselhoff
LOCATION: Louise Avenue, Encino, CA
PRICE: $4,195,000
SIZE: 8,947 square feet (as per listing), 5 bedrooms, 5.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Seldom offered exquisite "Trophy" estate on over a flat acre. Enter through gates to a tree lined drive and find a gorgeous two story five car garage home. The interior offers a perfect balance for families and entertaining. Public spaces include a screening room, formal dining, office and gourmet kitchen. Four bedrooms and an incredible Master suite with his and her bath and dressing rooms. There are two guest houses, a N/S tennis court, pool, spa and verdant lawns.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: As is often and usually the case when marrieds go splitsville, the once happy marital home gets put on the block which is exactly what happened back in August of 2008 when a judge decreed that usually shirtless actor/singer David Hasselfhoff and his then soon to be ex-wife Pamela Bach were to sell their long time estate in Encino, CA. At the time, the feuding between Mister and Missus soon-to-be-ex-Mrs. Hasselhoff was about at what price the property was to be listed. He wanted to list the 5 bedroom and 5.5 pooper property at less than five million clams and she believed the 1+ acre flag lot spread on Louise Avenue was worth close to eight million smackers. Your Mama thinks ex-Mrs. Hoff was living on another planet if she thought her house was actually worth 8 million bucks and someone else obviously agreed with us because the Hoff House quietly came up for sale in August of 2008 with an asking price of $5,950,000 and then hit the open market in early 2009.

For some reason(s) entirely unknown to Your Mama, The Hoff House was only on the market for six short days before any and all trace of it disappeared from public listing sites like the MLS and Redfin. We quickly forgot about the property–as well as Mister Hoff who makes Your Mama need a full strength nerve pill–until yesterday afternoon when we received a covert communique from Vivian Valleydweller who whispered in Your Mama's big ear that the Hoff House had been re-hoisted back on the open market with a new, improved and significantly lower asking price of $4,195,000.

If Your Mama is being honest, and we always are, we really don't understand Mister Hasselhoff's appeal. However, not only has he made boo-coo bucks starring in and producing surprisingly and seriously successful television programs like Knight Rider and Baywatch, but in the late 1980s and 1990s he was also a gold (and platinum) record making pop singer in Europe, specifically in Germany and Austria. If someone can explain that phenomena to Your Mama, please do. More recently Mister Hasselhoff is known for his boozy and embarrassing antics (for which we sincerely hope he's gotten help) and for being a judge on that distressing Gong Show wannabe America's Got Talent, a program Your Mama would have to be falling down drunk to watch.

Anyhoo, property records reveal that The Hoff and the ex-Missus Hoff paid $1,980,000 for their quasi-Colonial style estate in 1996 when they bought it from actor John Goodman. There is some dispute over the actual size of the manse. Property records show it measures, 6,148 square feet, listing information provided to Your Mama by Shanda Leer back in January of 2009 show it weighs in at a hefty 9,770 square feet and current listing information we received from Babbling Babette indicates is spans 8,947 square feet.

The two-story Hoff House of Marital Horrors stands at the end of a long, gated, celebrity-style and tree-lined driveway that makes a giant circle at the front of the house and leads to garaging for five automobiles off to one side. Pleeze Jeezis tell Your Mama that The Hoff does not keep one of those KITT cars in the garage like bearded former boy-bander Joey Fatone does. The front door has been done up in classic Colonial style with a swoopy and pointy scroll pediment which has been painted a traditional black color, as have the shutters. However, any trace of a dignified Colonial style architecture ends right there because immediately upon crossing the threshold it's pure suburban tract mansion all done up high-end Home Despot style in a bazillion shades of beige.

There are intricate wrought iron railings and balustrades like those found in newly constructed McMansions everywhere, a living room with pretty hardwood floors, a tall wall of windows topped by a trio of arched windows, and a compact car sized crystal chandelier. The children will note the huge and glittery chandelier is excluded from the purchase of the home which means the new homeowner will need to provide their own tacky light fixture. The 22-foot long dining room seats 8 (or perhaps 10 in a pinch), and the large, well-equipped but unfortunately uninspired kitchen has a light brown tiled floor, honey colored raised panel cabinetry topped by sand colored granite counter tops and is open to the breakfast room that looks out towards the verdant lawns in the big back yard.

Other rooms include a small office off the foyer, a 750 square foot great room with dark taupe wall to wall carpeting, a fireplace and some funky-ass furniture including what appears to be a wacky fur covered ottoman sitting in the center of the room, a "bonus room" with a built-in bar where The Hoff probably spent a lot of time and where he has hung all his gold, silver and platinum records, and tucked back behind the kitchen and garages is the laundry room and a small den or staff room with private pooper.

Accessible by staircase or elevator are three family bedrooms on the second floor that share two poopers and a sprawling master bedroom complex comprised of a 35-foot long bedroom with dark wood floors and a fireplace, a private balcony, an office, two bathrooms including one with beige marble tile floors and a shower with hey-noose brass accents, at least three walk-in closets (because all of The Hoff's Speedos take up a lot of room) and a second, private staircase that descends into the kitchen.

The grounds include a free form swimming pool and spa, a lighted north/south oriented tennis court and not just one, but two guest houses. Your Mama is not fond of this particular property but if there's anything we love more that a guest house it's two guest houses. One has been done up for guests and the other The Hoff uses as a gym to keep his aging pectoral muscles swimsuit ready just in case someone foolishly decides to bring back Baywatch.

Now that the Hasselhoffs are no longer Mister and Missus we really haven't any idea where either of them have moved. If we had to guess, we'd guess that ex-Mrs. Hoff stayed in the Valley where she's probably got long standing relationships with her manicurist and masseur and we'd guess that Mister Hoff moved to Malee-boo where he can strut his hairy stuff and pick up on much younger bikini-clad bee-hawtchas hoping someone foolishly decides to bring back Baywatch so they can get their big break strapping on a red bathing suit cut up to here and down to there, jogging up and down the beach for no reason whatsoever, and vying for the attentions of old man Mitch Buchannon. Ugh.

28 comments:

Anonymous said...

tee he: all the "Gold" records in the bar area..... Looks like he's a regular Frank Sinatra....

gregory said...

the kitchen is horriable, the rest of the house is ok.

Anonymous said...

Darlings... the Drapes Don't Match the Carpet or in this case the Georgian Facade doesn't match the faux mediterranean, McPalace on the Inside.....

I mean who in their right minds has a Georgian house and has the gaudy tacky as hell inside that looks like it belongs in South of Burton Way House in Beverly Hills...

If they had only done typical traditional black/wood/colonial/interiors this house might be salvagable....

I need vapors

Anonymous said...

What's horrible is the front facade... looks like cheap man's White House. Ugh... but than what would you expect from Baywatch creator... something tasteful?

StPaulSnowman said...

Anon 11:06. You may feel the need to post your evocative comments anonymously but I would recognize the tone and syntax of Gloria Swanson anywhere! I am sure there are plenty of vapors in Mr. Hasselhoff's number two guest house. It is difficult to believe the the culture who produced Mozart would cotton up to someone like Mr. Hasselhoff. The French deifying Jerry Lewis was hard enough to take.

Anonymous said...

This house is dreadful, indeed, but what in the hell do you (Anon 11:06) mean by "typical traditional black/wood/colonial interiors"???

And Mama, please don't tell me you really believe that the swoopy, pointy scroll pediment should be painted "a traditional black color"! Black shutters=traditional. Black swoopy, pointy scroll pediment=Bat Cave.

Dear Jesus.

The Preppy Pauper said...

This kind of bloated suburban ego housing has me reaching for the phone to call the suicide hot line. This house is so relentlessly and depressingly without any kind of style or design sense it makes me weep. Money can't buy taste and 11:06 is right, the interiors are a complete mismatch of the architectural style of the house. God knows the Hasselhoffs could afford a team of decorators. Or horror of horrors, this is actually and intentional work of a decorator?!?

Anonymous said...

Hee-larios! I agree, the interiors are uglee and don't match the outside. Outside, however is a bit top-heavy with this weird balcony thingy and long thin columns. Maybe it's a bad photo, but somehting tells me not.

Rich said...

I think the tile in the kitchen is recycled from either Carl's Jr. or a Mickey D's remodel. Love when they make tile to look just like wood.

Anonymous said...

less is more

Nancy/PA said...

Is Encino a prestigious address? (Since I've been hearing it a lot in the news lately...). It sounds so mundane.

I love when people "exclude" things -- it's always some ugly-ass thing you wouldn't want anyway.

Tracy said...

I think the facade is trying to look like the east side of Mount Vernon, without the cupola or dignity. I agree with Mama and fail to see the appeal of Hoff, or his house.

lucy said...

Obviously, they had no help with the lighting. Every. Single. Light. Fixture. Is. Dreadful. Worse than those nasty kitchen floors. Or the indoor balcony (a personal pet peeve).

Oh, I really hate this house.

Anonymous said...

Absolutely HEINOUS in every way. This place is truly offensive, much like its owner.

I completely agree with you Anon 12:41. This place is the Bat Cave of Encino! Gross. Gag me with a spoon. Totally.

pch said...

Nancy, Encino is mundane, but it's also expensive. I'd say it's prestige is relative, and will depend on how snobbish someone is about the Valley.

That defensive line from Moon Zappa's Valley Girl comes to mind: "I'm a val, I know, but I live, like, in a really good part of Encino, so it's okay." Sort of sums it up.

Anonymous said...

Those are just like my dining room chairs. Purchased for $100 a piece in the mid 1980's

lil' gay boy said...

"The French deifying Jerry Lewis was hard enough to take."

Snowman, truer words were never spoken; my sole consolation is that perhaps Mr. Lewis' choice of real estate showed better taste.

It's even more ghastly (if possible) from the air; all the charm of a bank on Northern Blvd. that's been converted to law offices.

One nice guest house tucked in amongst the trees by the pool, but the other one is smack up against the house next door & faces the garage across the driveway ––– charming.

The interior defies analysis; has anyone even seen an end table like the one in the "great room" (of the "wacky fur covered ottoman" ilk) since Gordon Gekko laid out his cocaine on it in Wall Street?

angeleyes said...

On the plus side, the property itself is a very good size at about an acre and a half, and it's flag lot configuration provides both maximum privacy from the road, and an extra layer of security protection completely surrounded by other homes. The house on the other hand is an odd mix of architectural proportions exteriorially and elements interiorally - classic McMansion - and the decor does nothing to distract attention or inspire interest. The Hasselhoffs would be wise to hire a home stager, but since their whole approach to selling a property seems so lackadaisical, I doubt they will.

Anonymous said...

I always wonder how whoever photographed a place can manage to make rooms and lawns look enormous when they are really only normal size or less. What kind of lens does this?

Anonymous said...

cheap. cheesey, and desperate

Nancy/PA said...

PCH, thanks for the response re Encino. I lived in OC (off PCH!) for two years and didn't get up to that area much, other than your standard touristy towns.

Anonymous said...

The dining room is very underwhelming compared to the rest of the rooms...not that thats a bad thing. Is that a pinball machine blocking what appears to be french doors in the "great room"?

Anonymous said...

I don't understand the stairs. In the interior pic it looks like they go up and turn to rise over the front door. In the exterior pic it shows no place they could have gone. Thoughts?

pch said...

De nada, Nancy. Since you used to live behind the Orange Curtain, this prestige analogy might clarify further: Encino is to Beverly Hills as Irvine is to Newport Beach.

1:28, the front door is probably recessed, which would be hard to see in the long shot, meaning the staircase would leads to landing that is flush with the facade.

PoshLady said...

What a gorgeous pad, check out the size of that bedroom!

Keeno said...

wow!
that's quite some house! was that where the infamous burger scene was filmed?

I made a tribute to the man, which you can find here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ydbKjDPtkg4

I hope you like, it's a bit of fun!

cheers

Keeno

Anonymous said...

The house alone is grounds for divorce. I guess having good taste is harder for some than others.

Anonymous said...

Don't blame the Hoff for this mess. It was John Goodman's and he built it to please his under-age wife who was homesick for the South. It was a bad house in 1990. Still bad. Scarlett O'Hara wanna be.
As for Encino, it's to the Valley what Beverly Hills is to LA without going to bum-fuck Hidden Hills. (Please let us not discuss Calabasas...more cookie cookers owned and thought divine by wanna-be people who still think more is more...)
Many people with bucks choose it for its proximity to private schools, soccer and little league facilities, the studios, etc...not to mention
the unique privilege of not having to valet your car at the dry cleaner. Old horse properties and other interesting and legendary estates from Old Hollywood days. You could do a lot worse. And btw, Hoff's a great example of how no house is great just because a celebrity lives in it.