Friday, September 26, 2008

Tony Gonzalez Lists House in Manhattan Beach

SELLER: Tony Gonzalez
LOCATION: 34th Street, Manhattan Beach, CA
PRICE: $3,999,000
SIZE: 3,465 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Huge rooftop deck that runs the length of the property. Ocean views from the interior. Big master bedroom. Giant four car garage with bonus storage room. Great kitchen, den and family room area. Lots of character. Two blocks to the sand.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Just the other day, based on a contact from someone we call Princess Sandypants, we discussed and dissected the Manhattan Beach house of professional baseball player Derek Lowe. Then yesterday, Your Mama recently received a second clandestine communique from the obviously well informed Princess Sandypants letting us know that another professional ball player had listed his Manhattan Beach house with an asking price of $3,999,000. This time the the property peddler is a professional pig skin player named Tony Gonzalez.

Not knowing a thing about professional football other than that the muscular men are usually stuffed like sausages into very thin capri pants through which you can often see their jock straps, Your Mama did not have a clue who this Tony Gonzalez person is. So early this morning, we rather unwisely dialed up our hard living and ball obsessed pal Fiona Trambeau on the Skype wires for a little 411 on Mister Gonzalez. We should have known better than to call Miss Trambeau before noon. While Miss Trambeau was, uhm, indisposed this early morning and could do little more than hurl scathing insults at us for bugging her while she was, uhm, entertaining, she did manage amid her foul-mouthed ranting and raving to get across that Mister Gonazalez plays the tight end position for the Kansas City Chiefs.

Tight end? What in the hell is a tight end? Of course Your Mama knows what a tight end is, but what kind of luridly suggestive job title is Tight End for the Kansas City Chiefs? And here we thought football was only for gentlemen of the butch and burly persuasion. A quick search of the interweb also informed us that in his position as a tight end Mister Gonzalez holds several impressive sounding NFL records for such things as most single season receptions for a tight end and most career touchdowns by a tight end. Being such a record breaker, he probably makes a lot of money, right?

Anyhoo, just as Princess Sandypants promised, property records do indeed show that the 3,465 square foot house on Manhattan Beach's 34th Street was purchased by an Anthony Gonzalez back in January of 2003 for $1,575,000. Upon seeing that number and comparing it against the property's current asking price of $3,999,000, Your Mama immediately consulted our bejeweled abacus whose well worn beads revealed that Mister Gonzalez is attempting to double down on his real estate investment after owning the 4 bedroom and 4 bathroom property for less than five years.

Ordinarily Your Mama would say this is outrageous and unrealistic, not to mention a little greedy grabby. However, the Dr. Cooter has some good lookin' and wonderfully bronzed cuzzins who did very well for themselves when they recently sold (and bought) some choice Manhattan Beach real estate. So before all you Chicken Littles start hollering and getting all in a snit about the sky falling–and if you watch CNN, it does sorta sound like the sky might be falling–remember that people with money to burn on real estate have always paid high unholy premiums to shack up a short distance to the sugar sandy beaches of southern California. And children, this house is just two itty bitty blocks to the shore.

Now then, let's have a look see at Mister Gonzalez's house. Listing information shows that in addition to the probably little used living and dining rooms, the house includes a large master bedroom, three additional family/guest bedrooms, and a large family room/den area in which Mister Gonzalez has put, yes children, a pool table. If there's anything that Your Mama loathes more than a pot rack it's a prominently placed pool table. Put it in the basement, put it in the garage, put it in its own room where you don't have to look at the ass uglee thing 24/7, but people, do not put a pool table in the damn family room. Ever. Did you hear that bachelor men? Not. Ever. We concede that putting the pool table in the family room is better than the living room, but really, that only makes the sorry situation marginally better in our snarky book. And the wet bar area? Holy cow children that thing looks to Your Mama like an unhappy marriage between a stuffy British pub and a tourist filled Mexican Margarita bar in Puerto Vallarta and it only adds to our dire need for a nerve pill and a giant pitcher of gin and tonics to wash it down.

What about the kitchen you ask? Well, it's certainly trying very hard to look dignified and distinguished, isn't it? We would have much preferred to see something a little lighter in tone, a lot less carved and not nearly as serious...this is a house at the beach after all.

On the other hand, the reedonkulously gigantic roof terrace is dee-voon. We love the long views of the shoreline, we adore that bed thing with the shade making slatted canopy, it was smart to include a built in barbecue area and the Dr. Cooter would think he'd died and gone to heaven sitting in that hot tub guzzling wine and listening to the pounding surf in the distance. The kitchen can (and in our estimation should) be replaced, but this view, children, can not.

Seriously kids, considering its plum location, awesome view, decent size and the fantabulous roof deck and despite all that fussy cabinetry and all those bile producing "chandeliers," this is not a bad house. All that crap can be fixed. And let's be honest, if someone can pay nearly four million buck for a house, they can afford a smart architect, a nice gay decorator and few hundred thousand to fix all those punishable crimes of cabinetry and interior design. Plus, there is a four car garage. Four! Anyone who has ever tried to park anywhere near the beach knows that having all that parking on your property in Manhattan Beach is worth a pretty penny or two.

Given that Mister Gonzalez was raised up in nearby Huntington Beach, it's hard to imagine he's giving up a beach house for the land locked horizons of Kansas City. But maybe he is. Then again, maybe he's just trading up to a bigger an better house at the beach. Who knows? Your Mama certainly don't, so don't any bahdee go reporting that we do. Because we don't. We only know that this house is for sale.

Now then, Your Mama has to git. We've got a full day of meetin' and greetin' ahead of us.

22 comments:

Anonymous said...

i hear the white house is for sale...

Viva! said...

A good house, great view and as Mama points out, everything that isn't great is fixable with a little money, patience and time.

pch said...

Wow, that facade is straight from 1985.

I still don't get Mama's aversion to pool tables in a room where you hang out with friends (said the bachelor who likes having one close at hand). I will say, though, that this one is so self-important it's almost comical.

lil' gay boy said...

PCH, I would have said late 70s myself. The house needs to be gutted & resurfaced, and perhaps provide a venue for the pool table in the rehab.

I understand that land is at a premium at the beach, but I'd still like at least a little plot o' dirt; doesn't seem to be room for any in this neighborhood. The roof deck is lovely, but it's no substitute for diggin' your toes into your own little sandpile sometimes.

Venice4504 said...

Well, it does open on to a car free street. So that's nice...I guess. I agree that you're still stuck in a itty bitty plot-o-land.

Anonymous said...

You can ask whatever $$$ you want.
The question is what will they pay?
Good luck to anybody trying to sell today.

Emma Royd said...

Now brothers and sisters, tell me, because I am, as we all are, open to a certain amount of persuasion....
1. What is it about (posh)american real estate that all kitchen kabinetry has to be dark cherry?
2. And as I mentioned kitchens yesterday, Mama can't you photoshop them to a nice shade of maple? All this dark cherry is screaming white noise to the eyeballs......
3. Why anyone with that much moolah would want to be so close to the hoi-polloi on the beach? And probably spend all day tossing little jonny his balls back.
Or do I miss something crucial about this part of town...
4. And finally, for the sake of brevity, why this monstrosity that looks a like a squashed 1930s south UK cottage hospital is on the market for $4million squiddlies.

Thank you.

f8thled@yahoo.com said...

Mama, Mr. Gonzalez has owned the property for nearly 6 years, however, you've stated that he's owned for less than 5. You may want to check the abacus again! =)
FAITH

Alessandra said...

Why is it that athletes tend to have such boring homes? In Tony Gonzalez's case, I get that this is probably a second (or third) home that he just uses in the off-season, but Derek Lowe works in LA.

Ugh. Total ugh.

Anonymous said...

who is he.

Sandpiper said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
so_chic_darling said...

Tony's house is a hot mess and he's just HOT.

Anonymous said...

Why in the world did he not put the pool table in the bar area and put the dining table in the dining/living area? It goes against all common sense. Bizarre.

Anonymous said...

Tony Gonzalez got married and moved back to Huntington Beach area to raise his family. I'm suprised that he didn't try and sell sooner.

Anonymous said...

this house was on mtv cribs.Unless you live on the strand itself you get great rooftop views all the way til you see the water.Pretty ugly views of lotsa rooftops,the chevron refinery and the 2 giant smokestacks.MB and hermosa are nice but way,way,way overhyped.

Anonymous said...

The white house is for sale

the price tag ?

700 billion

Anonymous said...

Is Cher's mansion in malibu still for sale ?

it is still on the MLS with the active posting

Anonymous said...

troll on outta here.

One of the good children said...

Hey Mama,

There is a house at 13890 Mulholland Dr, Los Angeles, CA 90210 that is currently being used as the "Janice Dickinson Model House". I can't remember who owned it before but I could swear it was celebrity. I remember when it was listed for sale and the bizarre speedboat floating in the pool (one doesn't forget that even after a pitcher of Mama's G&Ts). The speedboat is still there on JD's show but don't remember seeing the helicopter that was parked on the property when it was for sale.

Jimmy said...

OK, a cool 4 Megabucks for a house a couple of block from the largest waste water treatment plan in the US. Nice view as long as you don't look North.

Anonymous said...

Hi 1:35, maybe you remember the Janice house from the episode of that Baby Phat woman house hunting last year. That's where I had seen it. Kimora Lee, hated it.

Anonymous said...

Hey 4:21, It was on MTV Cribs or similar too. I think it is/was a sports figure or rapper's house.