Wednesday, December 18, 2013

UPDATE: Chris Brown

Due to his well-documented homophobic slurs and much publicized violent assaults Your Mama knows that a some of y'all don't care to hear a thing about Grammy winning pop/R&B artist Chris Brown. We feel you, puppies, we really do. But we just can't help it just like we—like most people—can but help but look for tragedy when we pass a car accident Not among the interested? Well, we suggest that rather than whine like a six year or try to slay us with your poison-laced words that you simply pull up yer big gurl panties and hold your damn horses until Your Mama comes up with something more to your celebrity real estate liking. We can't be the butter for every child's toast every day, you know. Okay? Okay.

As was expected by property gossips, young and volatile Mister Brown—he's but 24 and, as Your Mama types our digits to the nubbins, currently ensconced in a court-ordered anger management rehab facility—put his elevator-accessed four-plus story hillside house in the Hollywood Hills on the market a few days ago for $1.92 million. This is the same house, digital and print tabloid readers will recall, that lights up at night like a lavender-hued Christmas tree and where Mister Brown (in)famously inflamed the dander of some of his neighbors with massive, monster-themed graffiti murals he had painted on a street-level retaining wall in front of the house.

One of the neighbors complained to the L.A. Times in May (2013) that, "There are lots of babies, lots of children, and they’re literally frightened. It’s like devils on the wall — big scary eyes and big scary teeth..." Apparently the wall murals were in violation of some sort of code or ordinance and Mister Brown was ordered buy the city to remove them or face escalating fines.

The murals were removed in July (2013) but Mister Brown renown attorney, Mark Geragos, made sure to let the L.A. Times know that his client did not remove them due to neighbors' complaints or legal pressure but rather because he planned to sell the house. That sounds perfectly reasonable except that listing photos show similar, Crayon-colorful graffiti murals of monster characters completely cover the back wall of the airy, open-concept main living area.

The thing is, children, we don't hate the murals in the living room. We would most certainly not want all those snaggle-toothed monsters glaring at us with their salivating mouths in our own home but we can and do appreciate the audacity and commitment required to have such a work of art—or artistic expression—installed in one's home.*

And, did y'all take note of the top floor master suite? If there's anything Your Mama loathes in contemporary home design than these trendy open-concept master suites that provide exactly zero privacy it would most certainly be that lurid, lipstick red soaking tub that Mister Brown had installed right on the open border between the bedroom and bathroom. Have mercy! Sure, it matches the rather rococo gilt and red velvet throne and wrinkled drapery, but child, pleeze. How does any sane person not see a lipstick red bathtub as the very picture of decorative douche baggery? Surely that is a worse offense than a black commode, right? (Will somebody please bring Your Mama a nerve pill to settle our frazzled sensibilities?)

Don't misunderstand Your Mama. We don't hate this house. In fact, we sort of like its Rubik's cube-like architectural complexity. What we don't care for is its night-clubby attitude. Call us old-fashioned—and we have been called much worse, we can assure you—but Your Mama just doesn't see the appeal of living in a house decorated like an upscale strip joint. We just don't. But that's really neither here no there, is it? Anyways...

Mister Brown still owns a penthouse condo in West Hollywood that's currently on the market for $1.6 million and her reportedly made an offer on a house in a star-studded gated enclave in Malibu but iffin we're honest—and we always are—we'd confess we don't have any specific intel on that.

*P.S. As far as this property gossip is concerned, the several other murals on the walls (and ceiling) in other locations throughout in the house are woefully ill-advised, a stylistic overkill that, quite frankly, diminishes the face-slapping power of the mural in the main living area. Anyways...

listing photos: Coldwell Banker

16 comments:

Anonymous said...

A friend lives just down and around the corner from CB house. Says it's been like Beiber's, loud parties and noisy fast cars at late hours. And like Beiber, CB has usually not been around---its the hangers-on pals disrespecting the neighbors.
Lately it's been quiet though. CB in rehab and no friends around.

Sandpiper said...

Not even a priest could bless away the evil I feel in this house. The bedroom is most disturbing, as if yellow tape had once barred its entrance. Or could. Hopefully not.

Anonymous said...

Mama Lama, if you take away the Vegas night club decor it's excellent. Burn some sage, de-std it, and it's a pleasing tribeca loft style house. Do everyone ever a favor and lose the headache-y blue light.

Anonymous said...

Sadly for him, the imbeciles that are his fans can't afford this pile of crap and the "art" that he has defaced it with, which is his own doing by the way. Shame he did not do enough drugs to jump off that roof and rid the world of his woman beating a$$ forever.

Anonymous said...

Looks like a place for a child. Colors and childish cartoon any kid could draw. What a bozo...

Anonymous said...

He is an overgrown, immature child, who, when things don't go his way, has temper tantrums and beats up on people. And his house reflects his immaturity. He may be 24, emotionally, he's about 14.

Anonymous said...

Word around town his pecker's the size of a peanut.

lil' gay boy said...

As lurid as his not-too-distant obituary will be.

Sandpiper said...


What. The. Fuck ??!

Our legal system is is jacked.


http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/gossip/judge-revokes-chris-brown-probation-article-1.1549736

Anonymous said...

This used to be such a fun blog, what happened?

Domestic Violance Survivor said...

It appears people dislike him, prompting an isolated set of comments that supersede the normal fun here.

Anonymous said...

@7:15, obviously you missed the nude pics that leaked several years ago. That's one big peanut.

Anonymous said...

@10:41 Photoshop is an amazing program.

Anonymous said...

Not trying to be a jerk but it's only fun around here if people participate more and complain less.

Maybe this Brown guy is talented. I don't know if he is or not. I don't know his work well enough to weigh in. I do know his behavior is abysmal. He jacked a woman. He publicly says intolerant things. He annoys his neighbors.

All this dumping on Brown isn't just haters hatin' or people being jealous of Brown or whatever. It's because he acts like a f*cking asswipe all the time. Then he wants people to respect him as an artist and spend their hard earned money on his music.

He's can do as he wishes and he's got a right to say what he about whatever he wants. He also has to realize that some actions have negative consequences and as a public figure some opinions create public backlash.

There are probably a million reasons why Brown acts like a rebellious, teenaged moron. Maybe his mother didn't breast feed him long enough or maybe his daddy never told him he loved him. We all got shit and we've all done some dishonorable things. But he's famous so he has to deal with his stupid behavior in the public's eye. If Brown doesn't want all the negative publicity he gets when he does something crazy then he can stop doing stupid shit all the time or he can take the civil servants test and deliver mail in lower middle class obscurity.

The house is f*cking amazing tho. Not the red tub. That's crap. But I'd love to take an elevator to my front door!

Anonymous said...

dont judge for you will be judged.

if i were so rich i really wouldnot buy a house like that, can he even park a lambo in that garage?

Sigmund F. said...

Judging is what we excel at and take giddy pride in. If scum-boy's "lambo" is as fat as his big ass head, no garage door is wide enough to fit it.