Tuesday, March 15, 2011

UPDATE: X-Tina Aguilera

SELLER: Christina Aguilera
LOCATION: Beverly Hills, CA
PRICE: $13,500,000
SIZE: 10,000 square feet, 6 bedrooms, 9 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Listen chickens, we're going to beat and all but dead real estate horse here and briefly discuss–again–the florid Beverly Hills mansion that increasingly erratic pop star Christina Aguilera and her estranged music executive husband Jordan Bratman recently heaved on to the market with an asking price of $13,500,000. Your Mama yammered on about this topic last week but now there are photographs to accompany the listing and, children, they are a glorious visual indulgence and we thought if you hadn't already seen them that you really should.

Missus and Mister Aguilera purchased their love nest turned house marital horrors in a very good pocket of the eastern flats of Beverly Hills in the summer of '07. They paid $11,500,000 for the 11,571 square foot mansion they bought from Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne who, some of the children surely recall, had the place turned out with a lot of religious hoo-has and doo-dads. Everywhere a person looked there was a damn cross or portrait of an emaciated Jesus hanging on the wall. We would not have been surprised if they had one of the home's many showers done to look like a Catholic confessional. Pleeze. Of course, the ecclesiastical motif went with Mister and Misss Osbourne who themselves moved to the guard gated equestrian community of Hidden Hills, CA where other residents include Jennifer Lopez and Britney Spears.

But alas...

The Bev Hills house barely got to breathe a sigh of decorative relief before X-Tina Aguilera unleashed her team of nice gay decorators on the thing. Listing information for the walled, gated and heavily secured Bev Hills lair shows it was built in 1988 and includes 6 bedrooms and 9 poopers including a master suite with fireplace, lounge, his and her custom-fitted closets and dual bathrooms, at least one of which has a fireplace and a free standing soaking tub.

The mock-Med mansion has a large foyer with curving stair, formal living and dining rooms, a study/library and a family room that's open to the gore-may eat-in kitchen. Some of the more celebrity-style amenities include a fitness room, game room, gift-wrapping area, movie room, beauty salon–natch–and a guesthouse worked over into a recording studio.

We're not sure who is responsible for the unrestrained, vibrant and eclectic day-core but iffin Your Mama were asked to sum up the style–and we were not asked to sum up any damn thing at all–we might describe is as a brothel on mushrooms.

At first glance this theatrical cacophony looks like decorative anarchy; And it is, sort of. A closer study reveals a knowing if exceptionally florid hand that drove the bus of this brooding day-core that has a very distinct Tony Duquette maximalism about it. If any of the children do not know who the late great Mister Duquette is we suggest you get on the interweb and get yourself some education on the matter right quick.

The exterior looks like about exactly like a million other mock-Med mansions in Beverly Hills but, hunnies, this house is like slutty damn librarian. Girl looks buttoned up on the outside but inside it's a louche orgy of Moroccan poufs, Rococo foot stools, Islamic end tables inlaid with mother of pearl, intricately-patterned wall coverings, taxi-cab yellow colored Hollywood Regency coffee tables, fringed Victorian lamps, ceiling murals that depict a cloudy sky, oval-backed Louis VI side chairs upholstered in graphic zebra stripes, gilded moldings–natch–and a tufted wing back chair done in gold lamé. Now, children, there is plenty here at Miz Aguilera's house that makes Your Mama cringe. That chair is not one of them. We quite honestly covet that high-glam morsel of furniture delight.

The decorative pandemonium reaches fever pitch in the master bedroom where a canopy bed with a peach-colored tufted headboard and jet-black sheers sits on a lighted platform carpeted in what looks like cotton balls or kitty fur or some sort of material that probably feels wonderful on naked feet but just imagine what murder it must be for the minimum wage chambermaid to vacuum.

The grounds offer off-street parking for seven cars, lush landscaping, a swimming pool with water slide and grotto, built-in barbecue area and a carved wood pagoda-lounge where a giant sectional sofa is covered with a multi-colored and complexly-patterned fracas of decorative pillows.

The pop star's bacchanal abode will only be shown to pre-qualified clients, according to listing information, so any of you over-zealous "fans" who think it might be cute to make an appointment to view the property best be prepared to cough up a note from your money man that states you have adequate funds for to pay for a thirteen and a half million dollar mansion. Okay?

Your Mama hears through the celebrity real estate gossip grapevine that Mister Bratman remains in residence in the Beverly Hills while Miz Aguilera has schlepped back to her bacherlorette pad high above the Sunset Strip. The pop stars has had the house on the market for almost three years and the sleek 4 bedroom and 7 bathroom pad remains on the market with an asking price of $5,995,000.

listing photos: Hilton & Hyland

47 comments:

Viva! said...

That house will ALWAYS be the Osbourne mansion to me. I can see Sharon in that kitchen, grabbing a piece of ham out of the fridge and then comparing it to her neighbour's wife's hoo ha.

Jesse said...

While I am a slut, I am not a librarian.

I do, however, absolutely love this house.

In one way or another, most houses these days look the same to me. This one is different enough to get my attention and admiration. It has spunk.

Would I like to spend a few nights there or copy a few things? Absolutely. Would I want to call it my own forever and ever? That is debatable.

Anonymous said...

My eyes just threw up on my brain.

Jeannified said...

House of decorating horrors!!!

angie said...

Oh Mama, lmao @ brothel on mushrooms. The decor is, as you might say, a hot mess. I don't know where to start, so I'll leave it to others to tear this a richly deserved new one. omg, what was she thinking. Break out the nerve pills and make today's drink a double.

Anonymous said...

Where did Ozzy and Sharon live in LA before they got this home?

I thought they sold a house while having this one built or was it just a complete reno (or am I on some of those mushrooms too, Ma)?

DCGuy said...

Mama, please tell me you took note of the rug in the master pooper with X-Tina's damn face on it.

JoeTheMiddleYears said...

Oy Vey. I would love to see the look on the faces of well heeled potential buyers tip-toeing through Christina's pleasure palace trying to imagine themselves living there. I guess C.A. is not much for depersonalizing her pad for staging purposes...

Anonymous said...

Never thought I'd say this but liked the Osbournes decorator better

Housey said...

Those aren't even the best pictures, Mama. Get some pics of that hair salon/bathroom of hers and the kid's freaky room with the constipated giant moon.

Also, was this house always pink? I don't recall the Osbournes having a pink house. She must have painted it.

Good luck selling this theme park.

Anonymous said...

No wonder they got divorced - no offense mama, I've got nothing against gay folks, but this house is definitely decorated in a manner that only a woman or a gay man could love, let alone live in...I'm pretty sure any hetero man would be driven insane if he had to spend 5 minutes in (let alone live!) in this house, so it's no wonder Mr. Bratman is divorcing her, as it's obvious he was not allowed any input into they daycore, but I guess that's what you get when you enter into a marriage where the woman is the celebrity & bread-winner...

MarkyMark said...

This house would show better if it was stripped bare!

Anonymous said...

UUGGGGGGGGGLY!

Anonymous said...

Sharon did a tour the other day to possibly buy it back. She came out laughing, and I don't think the real estate agent said anything funny.

Anonymous said...

She still has 1443 Devlin Drive for sale.

Jumpin' Jejosephat, formerly of LA said...

Nice place.
For a dime store harlot.
Oh... well... imagine that.

Anonymous said...

1. While the house is not my personal cup of decorative tea, it is nice to see a celebrity/ resident of BH use a bit of restraint with when it comes to mirrored furniture (Kim Kardashian anyone?)
2. The white lacquer chair in the foyer makes me weak in the knees. Does anyone know what it is?
3. This may not be the place, but since we are on the subject, does anyone else think her recent string of misbehavior-which is sure to get worse before it gets better- is a publicity stunt; the last desperate act of a fading pop star… I smell crazy on Charlie. I smell crazy on Britney. I smell bullshit on Christina.

P.S. – it could be that my mother dropped me on my head as a child, but can anyone point me in the direction of the gold lamé wing back chair? I cant find it.

Anonymous said...

For someone who appears to have the creative impulse and personality of dry toast, this house has surprisingly strong point of view.

Crowley said...

Good lord. This place is the decor equivalent of Aguilera's makeup, hair, and fashion sense: overdone to the point of being distracting and unflattering. Why must she insist on taking something reasonably attractive and making it horrid to look at?

Housey said...

Mama, you might want to link to this post to show people what the place looked before the Xtina redo.

http://realestalker.blogspot.com/2007/05/osbournes-give-it-one-more-try.html

I was right. Did she paint the house pink.

angie said...

DCGuy, also in the master pooper, isn't that a photo of Xtina in a large gold frame just to the right of the fireplace? Who does that??

She is in dire need of a home stager if she's serious about selling anytime soon, preferably one chosen by someone other than herself.

Anonymous said...

It's so "awful" I like it. It has that inspired "delirium tremens" look.

lil' gay boy said...

Anon 5:11, no offense taken, but then this lil' gay boy couldn't love this decorative paroxysm even if it came with Gilles Marini tied buck nekkid to that hideous bed.

"...they are a glorious visual indulgence and we thought if you hadn't already seen them that you really should."

Why, Mama, why? We've been good as gold...why punish us so, so cruelly?

"...a knowing if exceptionally florid hand... [...] ...decorative pandemonium reaches fever pitch in the master bedroom ..."

One look at that ridiculous canopied bed would have made Scheherazade feign Alzheimer's & forget her 1001 Tales of the Arabian Nights, secretly praying (at the nearest convenient prie dieu), "Kill me now; kill me now."

"...pop star's bacchanal abode will only be shown to pre-qualified clients..."


Does that mean you'd have to take a Breathalyzer?

Anonymous said...

Her red carpet turn comes just two weeks after she was arrested for public intoxication, which saw her being taken in by police in the early hours of the morning on March 1.
Her boyfriend Matthew Rutler was arrested for driving under the influence in Los Angeles but left jail on a $30,000 bail.
Aguilera was also released on bail and no charges were filed.
Christina was Rutler’s passenger and the couple were pulled over when police caught the 25-year-old driving dangerously.
Her arrest came amidst U.S. media reports saying the star’s friends have been encouraging her to enter rehab for some time.
Since her marriage breakdown to Jordan Bratman last year, Aguilera has been under a noticeable about of strain.===The Daily Mail
***************
Getting rid of the house might be a good start for her "rehab".

Jesse said...

On second thought, the only room I really like is the dark one with the piano.

I must have been high or drunk earlier.

The Artists Playlist said...

This is funny, considering she is so heavy right now the house suits her well.

You should expose Lil Wayne's old house he just sold in the East Bay,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BSmVAZ-U_O4

Anonymous said...

"Where did Ozzy and Sharon live in LA before they got this home?

I thought they sold a house while having this one built or was it just a complete reno (or am I on some of those mushrooms too, Ma)?"

They sold their house in the flats & I think lived in a hotel for quite sometime whilst they were building this place. I know Mama said it was built in '88 but Sharon pretty much stripped it down [interior & exterior] & completely rebuilt it.

Anonymous said...

Are all of you repulsive philistines
so disgustingly obnoxious and shallow that you have nothing else better to do at this moment in time than comment on a site like this when the world is in such a terrifying crisis and so many Japanese people are suffering?

That includes you, Mother dear.

Viva! said...

Dear Anonymous 6:25,

Mama's site is a wonderful breath of happy, a respite from the terrors of real life, some of us NEED a break from it all.

Mama provides that. We're all having a little fun.

If Japan has demonstrated anything, it's that we have to enjoy life while we've got it.

Finally, I think I speak for all of us when I say that our thoughts are with Japan and I'm sure I'm not the only one whose put some money where my mouth is in that regard as well.

angie said...

6:25 am, I think that everyone, except perhaps Gilbert Gottfried, finds the situation in Japan deeply troubling. Unfortunately, none of us is in a position to help including you or you would have been too preoccupied to visit the site also.

Tommy said...

Dear 6:25,

With all due respect, isn't it ironic that you're lecturing all us "philistines" for doing exactly what you've done: Read a light-hearted blog about celebrity real estate and made a comment?

Or is your comment excused because you're wagging your finger at all us "obnoxious and shallow" people?

What's going on in Japan (and Libya and and Wisconsin and etc.) is all very very important stuff. But you make it sound as if anyone who isn't an aid worker in Japan ought to cease doing their jobs.

Just as I'm sure that you are going to your job every day right now–the bills have to be paid despite the terrible events in Japan–this blog is Mama's job.

If you really wanted to help the people of Japan maybe instead of acting like a self-righteous ass you could suggest "the children" donate $10 to the relief effort by texting REDCROSS to 90999 to make a $10 donation.

As for Aguilera, the house is hideous but it's refreshing to see someone go outside the box when it comes to their interiors.

Anonymous said...

Well, well, well.
30 comments on this post in less than 24 hours.
Interesting to see what gets folks here opinionating. . .

angie said...

8:49, a train wreck never fails to stop everyone in their tracks, lol.

Rosco Mare said...

I was shreddin on the day-core of the master bedroom when my shredder couldn't take it any more and jammed.

Ernesto said...

I'm loving this blog today. Thanks Mama and (almost) everyone who commented. It made for some swell reading!

DCGuy said...

Angie Baby - you are RIGHT! That is a dayum picture of X-Tina on the wall in the master pooper. Why one can't get naked and swing a dead cat in that room without seeing her likeness somewhere! :-)

Babe Parish said...

Yoville mansion! What did she dooo to Sharon's cute kitchen??! :\

Mike/Chicago said...

You'll have a hard time convincing me that a gay man had anything to do with that interior debacle. Someone in X-tina's pack o' harlots (who most certainly acquired her credentials via the Valdosta School of Interior Design and Pig Calling... or former modeling career) was more than eager to tart up the place in the spirit of CAg herself.

Jesse said...

Dearest 6:25,

I am sitting on the East coast of the U.S. I just checked again and there is nothing I can do about Japan. I will now try sitting here and willing away the problem. After I am unsuccessful doing that, I will wallow in my misery and allow my failure to paralyze me.

Anonymous said...

Christina, Christina, Christina.. please get that house staged.

Mike/Chicago said...

A brief re-perusal this AM cements my thoughts: that is the most offensive project I have ever laid eyes on. One would have to be pretty harsh to turn out work like that.

Anonymous said...

Well, at least it's not the usual boring beige on beige that is so bizarrely popular.

Anonymous said...

anon 7:49pm march 15th, the photo of the lame chair isn't in mama's collection. it, and the kid's bedroom with that moon that would scare the livin daylights out of me if it'd be the first thing i saw in the morning, is at zillow.com/homedetails/513-Doheny-Rd-Beverly-Hills-CA-90210/20522489_zpid/

Denise said...

Youza....that's some ugly decorating. While the house itself is nice, the furnishings now make it look like a brothel. Yikes....

Anonymous said...

This house is a hot mess. She should have hired Kelly Wearstler if she wanted something off beat, sexy, and regency. This just looks like an amateur decorator's first project modeled after KW's stuff.

Cliff Stevenson said...

Holy freaking clutter! Not sure anyone associated with home staging would know where to start, and not sure these guys would want anyone touching anything.

Armando Hunt said...

8:49, a train wreck never fails to stop everyone in their tracks, lol.