Monday, November 22, 2010

Angelyne the Billboard Queen Sellin' Short in the Bu

SELLER: Angelyne
LOCATION: Malibu
PRICE: $575,000
SIZE: 1,810 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Anyone who passed through Los Angeles in the 1980s and early 1990s knows Angelyne the Billboard Queen, an honest to goodness showbiz eccentric and nothing less than a Tinseltown treasure.

Through shameless self promotion Angelyne became internationally famous just for being "famous." Starting in the early 1980s billboards and murals began to pop up all over Hollywood that depicted provocative high-camp images of Angelyne with lips pouted, boobs a bustin', platinum polyester hair teased high and looking like a bubble gum cross between Elvira, Barbie and a Lycra encased roller skating waitress from the 1950s.

Little concrete is known about doe-eyed and doughy-skinned Angelyne who has managed to remain a bit of a mystery even though she's spent the last 30 years dragging around town decorated like a Macy's Day Parade float. She's even been known to circulate disinformation about her age and origins but based on our 72 seconds of research on the interweb Your Mama can tell the children that Angelyne might be from Idaho, she might be in her early 50s and nobody whose willing to go public with the 411 really knows how she's paid for all her sassy and tacky stripper-style clothes or her famous pink Corvettes.**

**All you people who think Paris Hilton was the first self-made famous for nothing to make a damn fool of herself with her silly blush colored Bentley got it wrong wrong wrong. Miss Hilton, bless her little heart, merely grabbed a hold of ol' Angelyne's marabou enhanced platform heels and hung on for dear life.

Angelyne's baudy billboards earned her a special if vapid kind of fame, legions of fans, a music video or two but few film roles. Angelyne's first appearance on the silver screen was in 1988 in Earth Girls are Easy. In 1991 she impersonated Barbara Bush in The Malibu Beach Vampires and her most recent role was in 2000 when she played a hitchhiker in the cinematic treat Flies on Cupid. Angelyne entered the political arena in 2002. She ran for the Hollywood city council on a platform that endorsed Hollywood seceding from Los Angeles. She lost. In 2003, after Gray Davis was recalled as the governor of California, she tossed her bespangled barrettes into the ring and made a run for the governorship of California. She managed to get 2,533 votes and, it may surprise some to know, came in a respectable 28th place in a field of 135 kooks and creeps. Only in California, puppies, which is why we love California so.

Anyhoo, time hasn't been entirely kind to our Angelyne who still goes around looking like a parade float, but, you know, maybe one from last years fiesta that got rained on while parked out in the back alley. She's still pink and fluffy with behemoth boobies and skin tight dresses up to her coochie, but it's all busted up and broken down now, like mascara that's done had a long day at the crying festival. Don't nobody misunderstand Your Mama. We love Angelyne. We do. But the ladee needs a good stylist to hook her up with some age-appropriate outfits that don't make everyone cower in fear that something big, bulbous and life-threatening might come popping out of her too-tight habiliments.

Unfortunately, it seems, time hasn't been so kind to Angelyne's once bodacious body or her pink pocketbook either. See kids, thanks to Malibu Maryann, Your Mama recently learned that Angelyne put her condo in the Bu on the market with a short sale asking price of $575,000. That's right puppies, she may be the queen of Hollywood, but Angelyne is a resident of Malibu and for whatever reason–or reasons–is having trouble making her mortgage and has to sell up and get out.

Although we'd bet everything we own it's not the name her momma gave her, public property records show her legal name as Angelyne L'lyne. The same property records reveal that although Angelyne bought up her condo in the Bu in August of 2000 for $530,000 she now owes significantly more than that. Interestingly, from 2000 to 2005 the name of a Los Angeles area oncologist also appears on some of the deeds and documents for the condo. Make of that what you will, chickens.

Listing information for Angelyne's condo, located in a lackluster area of Malibu near Pepperdine University, shows that it stands 3 stories tall with 1,810 square feet of interior space and 3 bedrooms and 4 poopers. Listing information also indicates the ocean view condo, "NEEDS TLC & UPGRADES." We did not add those capital letters, that is how it actually reads in the listing.

It's too bad the listing photos aren't a higher quality but never the less, children, get a nerve pill going up in your system, squint those eyes and have a good long look-see because this day-core is really something to behold. Your Mama can't possibly cover every inch of Angelyne's decorative bowl of domestic disaster in the Bu so we're simply going to select just a few to highlight.

1. As if the over-sized, two-toned hot and baby pink velour furniture spread around the dismal oatmeal carpeted living room weren't enough to make a person puke a little, Angelyne dared to accessorize it all with a miniature pink flamingo statuette sitting on a glass topped table with a lurid pink and gold ceramic leopard base. Your Mama can't even bear to consider the circumstances that allowed for the existence of those fireplace flanking floor lamps trimmed in horrific hot pink fuzziness. Lo-werd have mercy on our weak decorative spleen. Please give Your Mama the strength to see our way through and out of this hot mess.

2. Angelyne really did it in the dining room, people. Not only did she festoon the room with hot pink boas as if boas of any color are acceptable material with which to decorate a home, beehwatcha slipped fuzzy hot pink terlit seat cover things over the seats of the black lacquer dining rooms set. No she didn't. Yes. She. Did.

3. Listing photos show that at least one of the three guest bedrooms was worked over and put through the wringer of Angelyne's one-noted and all pink decorative sensibility and includes cotton candy colored walls, matching deep shag carpeting, and a molded plastic bed frame, end tables and dresser set in the shiniest of hot pink a person should never see. Where does a person even buy furniture like that? Seriously, folks, where? Really turning the decorative piss into vinegar is that tawdry, gauzy and two-toned wannabe baldachin that is only made more heart wrenching when seen in conjunction with the pink heart-shaped pillow and pile of discarded clothes on the floor around the bed.

4. Iffin Your Mama had a dime for every time we went into one of those "cute little gift shoppe" stores, came upon a shelf full of angel figurines spray painted gold and whipped around to our not entirely sober b.f.f. Fiona Trambeau and asked, "What kind of person buys this stuff?" we'd be a multi-millionaire. As it turns out, the answer is Angelyne. That's who spends actual money that angel crap. Beehawtcha buys them, takes them home to her condo in Malibu and hot glues those decorative bedevilments to various gold framed mirrors and around the fireplace in her cotton candy pink master bedroom-boo-dwar. Y'all take a minute to let that soak in if you need to because it's really a doozy.

5. The half deflated air cushions in the spa tub in the tile lined master bathroom hint at an unspeakable loneliness we can't contemplate and the cluttered counter top and wadded up ball of terlit paper or tissue or whatever on the floor in one of the guest poopers looks, well, dirty.

Even more difficult to endure than her unbearable but not unexpected decorating habits is to imagine what may become of the ungracefully aging Angelyne now that she's going to have to vacate her premises in Malibu. Will she wind up in some one-bedroom rental in an ugly and out-dated apartment building in Koreatown with peeling paint and a family of 19 next door? Will she end up stuck out like a dog on fire in Van Nuys? Or will one of her rumored benefactors install her in a quintessentially L.A.-style crib above Hollywood Boulevard where she can cruise up and down the tourist laden streets in her pink Corvette while out of towners and locals alike hoot and holler their bemusement and adoration? That's what we hope will happen. We might not be able to stomach Angelyne's day-core–and we really can't stomach Angelyne's day-core–but we love her. The woman managed to carve out a wee niche in life, on her own whackadoodle terms, that didn't exist before she carved it out. There's something to be admired about that. At least we think so. We're sure some of you will have a different opinion.

listing photos: Community Realty & Financial Services

34 comments:

Anonymous said...

It looks like she also took her listing photos from the reflection in the door in the last picture.

lil' gay boy said...

Oh my dear sweet Jesus, she must be a beloved local treasure; nothing else could explain or excuse the Pepto-Bismol thematic approach to life & self-promotion.

Security word - excrebo: make of it what you will; I need another pill & a drinkie-poo.

neilintoronto said...

As hideous as this house is, I must commend her on at least going for something other than acres of beige and brown, with a healthy heaping of Home Depot granite and tumbled limestone.

Anonymous said...

Mama you're being really kind. Is that due to the season? Miz Malibu Barbie has the babydoll face of Betty Boop ergo I'd hazard a guess that she's "a good" 68 years of age.... if not older.

Housey said...

Who lives here? Hello Kitty? I hope that plastic bed belongs to a child.

Anonymous said...

Mama:

Here I am on my government job, and the first link I try to open, parade float, is forbidden. Thank goodness the other links opened. I never heard of this Angelyne before, but she is my kinda wonderful.

And right now I'm gonna surprise Hedda with newly upholstered dining room chairs.

Woord verification: steric (they left off the hy).

Studly

Anonymous said...

Mama:

Oh dear, an oncologist on the deed? I hope that Angelyne has a complete recovery and a long and fulfilling life.

Yours,
Rabbi Hedda

Anonymous said...

That's making my skin crawl. Is the number of the house in red neon.

Anonymous said...

She's a legend here in LA...I met her at the opening of "the Revolver"...LA's first video bar way back in the good ole days!!!

Anonymous said...

She lives in Malibu? Why does she keep one of her pink Corvettes parked in the lot behind a club on Hollywood Blvd.? I've seen her in 2: 1 with 'Angelyne' plates and 1 with generic plates.

why does she have more than 1?

Anonymous said...

I remeber seeing those billboards on my way to work in Bev Hills in my younger years! Saw her once in a MRI/DR office looking like hell. And that was in 1993! As we say in the South, bless her heart.

Neely O'Hara said...

some of your best and most colorful writing to date, Mama! I suppose if they do a remake of Whatever Happened to Baby Jane she'd be purr-fect. Poor dear. She was a Hollywierd fixture for so many years in that sleazy way, along with Dennis Woodruff (remember him) that actor who used to drive around town in a painted up car advertising for acting jobs. But way before Angelynne and Paris was that film with Judy Holliday as an aspiring actress who put up a billboard looking for work. It's an old story! It will be sadly interesting to see what will now become of the pink ladee....

Brian J said...

Mama,
I've been livin in LaLa Land since joinin my sweet out little brother back in 1981 when like so many of other Northern New Jersey Boys became soldiers for Bruce's clarion call tellin us babies we were born to run.
And almost from that first day Angelyne has been as much a part of our Hollywood, W. Hollywood and Hills above Hollywood lives. We could always tell when we were gonna walk in to some store, dry cleaner or car wash n come face to pale face w/the angel in her sprayed-on-tight balloon boobs and fused to the flesh hot pants when we saw that Pink Corvette parked out front like it was part of the scene. She was sweet, friendly and her voice sounded like good ol Miss Betty Boop come back to make us smile. Things may be tough for her right now but like Hollywood's most iconic symbols after their early glory years, reached a point where some reworkin was required only to be back today better than ever (Hollywood sign, Capitol Records, The Magic Castle & the Sunset Strip)those of us with memories of the Pink Pussycat know she'll be back as the Hollywood Vamp Queen soon enough.

Rosco Mare said...

She recently approached me while having dinner alone at the French Market in West Hollywood. She said she wanted to meet me because I looked happy. She was polite and sweet. I complimented her, saying she is prettier in person than on a billboard. (She does have a pretty face, and oh, those gigan-ta-boobs!) Seriously, with help from a good stylist, she could really get it going again, or get it started, depending on how you view her career - she is probably only about 50. Look at Mamie Van Doren, who fortunately married well, as an example.

Growing up in LA, I appreciate the colorful characters in our diverse community, and wouldn't live anywhere else - just not in a place decorated like hers that is actually a lower rent version of Jayne Mansfield's pink palace! Remember that mess, fellow chil'ren?

Anonymous said...

Oh, my.......just when I think I may have seen it all in terms of "decor" this comes along, but to each their own. But, now that it is time to sell....can Lisa LaPorta be of assitance? She didn't even put the toilet lid down for the photos. Ugh!

P.S. Regarding Corvette/Hollywood Blvd., she is/has been connected to a property in the 6200 block of Selma which runs parallel to Hollywood Blvd just a block south in case this is the area of the club/siting?

Anonymous said...

I'm having a senior moment right now, but I bet that strange interior decorator that said he decorated for Anna Nicole Smith knows where to find that pink plastic furniture iffin anyone is interested. Wait - wait -Bobby - Bobby, ah heck.

Anonymous said...

Re: the Hollywood Blvd Corvette, it's in a lot behind Premiere and Las Palmas nightclubs on Hollywood/Las Palmas. Everytime I see it, I imagine Angelyne parking and then schlepping her groceries to a nearby apartment, but I've never actually seen her over there.

still begs the question: why 2 pink corvettes?

Your Mama said...

Angelyne has an office in Hollywood. Used to be in a bldg. on Selma but she had to move out to make way for the W Hotel. Her office is not somewhere nearby which is why her car(s) are in Hollywood a lot.

MarkyMark said...

Bobby Trendy is pink with jealousy...

Anonymous said...

Amazing.
I had never heard of this lady and it looks as if there is quite a life story to be told here.
Not so sure about the property though.
Very, very pink.
I would like to read the book though.
The Aussie
PS - Slygrapp is my word for the day. Good word!

Anonymous said...

She is definitely not in her early 50s. Try late 70s. P.s. your writing is horrific.

Big Kock said...

pink and juicy...I'd still TAP that!

Anonymous said...

I used to work at an X-ray center in Beverly Hills where Renee Goldberg, now aged 72, aka Angelyne was a patient. She was born in Nampa, Idaho. Until recently, she rented an apartment uphill from Whisky-A-Go-Go in W. Hollywood. She's always dealing with a constant turnover of personal assistants who she hires from ads placed on Craigslist & the Recycler. Classy lady.

Anonymous said...

this is so sad.
you see sex bombs like angelyne and you wonder, 'what happens to people like this?' freaks. misfits. someone who is so over the top sexually that they make themselves into a caricature- it's hot when they're young- a fetish thing, but that doesn't really work after a certain age, does it?
i think some women have a compulsion to be sexy that borders on mental illness. their need to be sexy overrides their need to lead a life that is fulfilling or satisfying in any meaningful way. their compulsive sexiness actually creates a barrier that keeps them from forming meaningful intimate relationships.
all that aside, angelyne is an entertaining pop culture icon. it's too bad she was ahead of her time. she could have had a reality show. i feel sorry for her and worried for her future.

Anonymous said...

I will concur with Anon 11/26 1:30am. Angelyne rents(rented) above Sunset for years. Surprised she owned anything. There is a benefactor. She is at minimum 55 (based on how long I've seen her signs) and I would believe 72. Not any older though. The cars are provided by a local dealer and she gets a new one every couple of years. I would guess the 2nd means she recently got a new one and the old one hasn't been sold off. Look for it on Craigslist.

Dennis Woodruff is still driving around waiting to be discovered. In a decorated Ford Contour as I recall.

Perfect writing Mama!

Anonymous said...

I live in Studio city and used to see her driving the pink Corvette quite often. Once I actually followed her to the beauty supply store on Laurel Canyon. I pretended to browse the merchandise while Angelyne conversed with the store's staff about hair brushes. She was very petite---almost doll-like, well-spoken and very polite with the sales person. She must be at least 70 years old---her skin has the crepe-like texture of the older person. Somehow her 'plumped up' quality masks her actual age.

Anonymous said...

I encountered Angelyne in a Hollywood nightclub in the late 80's. She was standing in a dark hallway outside the Ladies room, quietly outraged that I had gone in there with my lady friend. She could not understand that young gay men are known to go into the Ladies room with their fag hags now and then, and she was dead serious about it. I've always thought that the problem with her career is that while she appeared not to take herself seriously, she also seemed to lack a genuine sense of humor. I had also seen a photo of her many years ago smiling, and it was quite shocking. You never, ever see her smiling (humorless). She had a bright, big, happy and wonderful smile, and her career prospects may have taken another turn if she had shared the humor and niceness of someone like, say, Elvira. I also just found a comment on the net claiming that she's been showing up to Hollywood nightclubs lately selling merchandise in the parking lots.

Anonymous said...

Uh oh.... here's proof about Angelyne selling her wares in the parking lots:

http://showbizarre.com/music/i-think-angelyne-might-be-broke-writing-a-book/

Steve Mawson said...

May I just ask...WTF ??? Sad, really sad. Therein be the home of one of those people you see from the "people of Walmart" photos.

Jeannified said...

Poor Angelyne...hope she will be alright.

Anonymous said...

Somebody please give this woman a reality show!

Anonymous said...

Hmm. Just found this blog. According to a previous poster from 2010, she was 72 at the time. Apparently born in Nampa, Idaho under the name Renee Goldberg. Judging by those facts, her year of birth would be 1938. So at the time of her first billboard that popped up in Hollywood back in 1984, assuming that iconic photo of her known throughout the world was shoot in 1983, that would have made her 41 at the time. If this is indeed true, she was one heck of a package at 41 years of age.

Another interesting point: I'm from Boise, Idaho and was in in Hollywood in 1984. She was hanging around a ton of 20 something wannabe rock stars - but she was twice their age? One of her personal assistants for many years in the 90's and well into the millennium, is named Scott Hennig. He is from Boise as well. That tie (Angelyne & Scott, both being from Idaho) could be how they ended up working together. Scott did say Angelyne was from Idaho but never mentioned much more than that. From what I understand, Scott went back to work for her once again in 2011 or 12. So, if the Nampa brth location is true, there should be a birth record there at the county recorders office for a Renee Goldberg - born in 1938.

ken d. said...

According to my math, she would have been 45 yrs old in 1983.

Anonymous said...

"According to my math, she would have been 45 yrs old in 1983."

Yes. Thank you for that correction.