Wednesday, August 25, 2010

The Diceman Leaveth Los Angeles

SELLER: Andrew Dice Clay
LOCATION: Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $1,399,000
SIZE: 2,720 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 2.5 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Your Mama woke early, put our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly in the back seat of the big BMW and made the long trek from our remote and low-tech desert hideaway into civilization–if you can call it that–where we've managed to pilfer some wireless internet service while sitting in a café full of desert dwelling townies who keep looking at Your Mama like we're from another damn planet. Amongst the many unread emails we found when we powered up our trusty laptop at said sad café was a little ditty from Brenda Blabsitall who squealed to Your Mama that controversial insult comic Andrew Dice Clay recently unloaded his house in Hollywood, CA.

To some, Mister Dice Clay–who was born with the name Andrew Silverstein–follows in the much lauded and applauded footsteps of venerated funny folks like Don Rickles, Sam Kinison and Joan Rivers who made themselves famous and rich by humorously insulting others. To others Mister Dice Clay is little more than a rude, crude, lewd and aggressively misogynist man with a masturbation obsession and a freaky Fonzi complex. Iffin we're being honest chickens, and we always are, Your Mama thought Mister Dice Clay had long gone to the proverbial graveyard of forgotten comics and entertainers, replaced ages ago by the new crop of insult comics like celebrity skewerer Kathy Griffin and foul mouthed Lisa Lampanelli. In fact and much to our surprise, besides being the first fired by Donald Trump on one of those Celebrity Apprentice programs, Mister Dice Clay is alive, well, kicking, and telling his often offensive and sometimes degrading jokes every damn night at the Las Vegas Hilton.

While property records show that Mister Dice Clay owns a 4,461 square foot house in suburban Las Vegas, NV that he bought in bought in August of 2006 for $450,000, records also show that he has also owned a home in Hollywood since July of 2003 when he bought a light turqwahze traditional at the base of Nichols Canyon for $1,179,000. The house, perhaps not surprisingly given Mister Dice Clay's signature 1950s rebel look, looks like the house where Fonzi lived in the apartment above the Cunningham's garage on the long defunct situation comedy Happy Days.

Of course, Your Mama don't know a scone from a biscuit, but many people of fortunate finances get a new house when they get a new spouse and given that Mister Dice Clay recently got hitched to a third wife–he has two sons by a previous wife–it's very possible (or not) that the recent betrothal was the impetus for selling the house.

The well kept house was first hoisted on to the market in late May 0f 2010 with the asking price of$1,399,000. That must have been the right price because the house was sold, done, closed in just over 60 days at $1,399,000. Based on listing photos, Mister Dice Clay–or perhaps it was one of his ex-wives who lived here–moved out prior to listing the property so we don't get to diss and discuss the day-core.

Listing information shows the house measures a somewhat modest 2,720 square feet and includes 3 bedrooms and 2.5 poopers. The front door opens to a central foyer and staircase with a large living room to the right that has a fireplace with a green marble and brass surround, big paned windows, and equilibrium upsetting muted tiger striped wall to wall carpeting. Behind the living room a small den with more wall to wall tiger striped carpeting, built in shelving and a double sliding glass door that opens to a terrace at the back of the house.

On the opposite side of the central foyer from the living room is a formal dining room and behind the the well-equipped and maintained but dated eat-in kitchen has cream colored cabinetry, glass fronted upper cabinets, white appliances and cream colored tile counter tops and back splash. There is also a "garden room" according to listing information with travertine tile floor (or some other sort of material) laid at an angle to the room and a long curving wall of French doors that open to the back yard terrace.

The upstairs bedrooms include two family bedrooms with walls painted a darker shade of Tiffany blue, white window frames and moldings, white ceiling fans, and a dusty light blue wall to wall carpeting that gives Your Mama's delicate decorative sensibilities a shiver and a jolt of upset. The master bedroom, on the other hand, is a tone on tone study of beige things with camel colored curtains, pale beige built-ins, and cream colored wall to wall carpeting. Mister Dice Clay's boo-dwar includes 2 walk-in closets and a private pooper as dated as the kitchen with a double sink vanity with tile counter and a gigantic jetted bathtub set into a dizzying alcove lined with mirrors. If there's anything more uncomfortable to Your Mama than sitting in a giant boiling and bubbly vat of filthy water is sitting in a giant tub of filthy water surrounded by mirrors.

A long , gated and dead straight driveway scoots up the side of the house to the detached two-car garage at the back of the property. A wide, pergola shaded terrace runs along the back side of the house and steps down to the tree-shaded and grassy back yard. Your Mama expected for this amount of money in this location to find a pretty swimming pool in the back yard, but alas, there appears to be little more than and expensive and difficult to maintain lawn surrounded by tall privacy creating ficus hedges.

Whether Mister Dice Clay will opt to pick up another Los Angeles area property isn't known to Your Mama but with his performance schedule in Las Vegas it's hard to imagine he'd have time to look let alone occupy a house that isn't in Las Vegas.

Now then, Your Mama and the long bodied bitches are back out to the boonies where we plan on spending the rest of the day seeking shade and sipping ice cold gin and tonics while the sands shift and swirl around the cacti.


she digs yellow said...

So this house needs
a paint job
a new kitchen
new floors
a pool
hmmmmm sounds like a family member bought it.

Good bones though, and if it were up to me I would have painted it a very pale yellow.

Fancy Nancy said...

i've said it before, and I'll say it again--no pool, no way!!

lil' gay boy said...

It looks like a home straight out of central casting; as if it should say "The Cleavers" on the mailbox.

As for the 'hood, well, meh.

Never liked the man himself; no stranger to insult humor or vulgarity, it always amazed me that he "achieved" the amount of fame he did. While the others mentioned always had a touch of the clever, a certain panache in their delivery, to me he was only, in the words of Miss Lillian Gish, " funny as a baby's cry for help."

How anyone could endure living with him is beyond me, but I guess at least his mama & his dog must love him.

Anonymous said...

Mama, what has possessed you to take a vacation in the desert in August? Just askin'.

Pebble Beach said...

Saw the Diceman at Frittelli's (which is missed greatly) in BH a few years back. He was waiting for a lady friend of some sort to get her hair done across the way at Giuseppe Franco.

He came in with his son and a friend and made snide comments about the three of us to his group for no reason. We could easily overhear him. We never interacted nor said anything to him.

I never had thoughts about him one way or the other before but after that I think he's a first class A-Hole. His taste in real estate is crap and I wish this would have lingered on the market and he would've had to karate chop the price.

Anonymous said...

Versions of this house exist all over the country - center hall with living room on one side, dining on the other with kitchen behind. Often a half bath tucked under the staircase. Upstairs, three bedrooms and two baths. Most have a family room added to the back like this one. So boring.

Oh, and I can't stand him.

fast house sale said...

It looks like a home straight out of central casting

Jeannified said...

Strange that such a macho guy would have a light blue house with lots of cream inside.

Something about the picture on the bottom left of the back yard, looks like there is a strange, large patch of grass there. Perhaps a pool had been there at one time and was filled in.

Anonymous said...

I was only around ten when Kinison and Clay were the two hottest comedians in the country so I conflated the two in my memory. Then a couple of years ago I went back and listened to some Kinison expecting to hear an angry hack in a trenchcoat, but he was as good as or better than Bill Hicks and almost as good as Richard Pryor. This is why I hate Andrew Dice Clay. His taint was such that his suckiness rubbed off on my image of his infinitely superior contemporary.