Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Jesse James Slashes Asking Price by 26%

SELLER: Jesse James
LOCATION: Sunset Beach, CA
PRICE: $4,995,000
SIZE: 3,626 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 4.25 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Cheating huzbands are quickly developing into a theme this week. Yesterday we discussed the real estate rumors about serial adulterer Tiger Woods' estranged and soon to be dee-vorced wife Elin Nordegren hunting for a house in Boca Raton, FL and today Your Mama has some real estate low down on actress Sandra Bullock's chopper customizing and philandering ex-huzband Jesse James.

In late May of 2010, amid all the brouhaha and ballyhoo surrounding the couple's dirty laundry and impending dee-vorce, it was widely reported that Mister James heaved the ocean front residence in Sunset Beach, CA where he and his Oscar winning ex-wife once lived together on the market with a rather optimistic asking price of $6,750,000.

Shortly after the 4th of July, according to information provided to Your Mama by Buhteenuh Beachdweller, Mister James and his real estate people wisely opted to chop the price tag for Mister James' beach house all the way down to a still pricey but far less shocking $4,995,000. A few flicks of the well worn beads on Your Mama's bejeweled abacus reveals that the $1,755,000 markdown represents a gigantic 26% reduction from the original price.

Property records show that Mister James bought his beach house, a two story quasi-Mediterranean villa with 3,626 square feet, in September of 2003 when he was still married to his second wife, award winning porno hacktress, tax evader, and huzband beater Janine Lindemulder. Records also show Mister James' crib has 2 bedrooms and 2.5 poopers while online listing information shows there are 4 bedrooms, each with a private pooper plus a powder pooper for guests.

Like in most California beach communities, Mister James' house sits right up on the street and so close to the neighboring house that even a toothpick thin catwalker would have a tough time squeezing in between. On the street side, a gated and lushly landscaped courtyard with a gurgling fountain and curving stone pathway serves as a serene buffer between the street and the stone floored entrance hall that steps up to the open plan living/dining/kitchen area.

The Canterra stone tile used for the entry pathway and floor in the foyer continue up four steps and into the main living space comprised living, eating and cooking areas. The living room is focussed on a massive fireplace with carved stone surround and flanked by built in cabinetry, the dining area looks out towards the beach, and the gore-may kitchen has slab granite counter tops, custom raised panel maple cabinetry, a curving crescent shaped breakfast counter, walk-in pantry, and a full complement of Viking brand stainless steel appliances including a wine fridge and under counter ice making machine.

The main living space opens into an ocean side glass-enclosed lanai worked over with mood lighting and overly dramatic auto-lighting tiki torches according to listing information. Most of the lanai is taken up by the swimming pool and faux stone grotto where, Your Mama assumes, the spa is located. A steep stairway "carved" into the faux stone allows the bold and the brave to clamor up to the top of the grotto at their own risk and hurtle themselves down the short, curving slide, past the waterfall and into the swimming pool.

The children will note that listing photos show a duck paddling in the pool, an unsanitary situation given that ducks are completely non-discriminating about where they do their dirty bizness. But perhaps more disturbing and distressing that swimming with duck excrement is that the neighboring house has a vast window that looks directly down into the lanai that completely compromises whatever sense of privacy is created or felt by the glass-enclosed lanai. There can be no daytime skinny dipping in this pool unless the nekkid don't care to have their naughty bits seen by the neighbor.

Beyond the lanai, a multi-level deck tucked into the dune has built in seating with thick upholstered cushion and provides a scenic and somewhat private perch for ocean viewing and sunset watching. From the deck a sandy path leads through the ice-plant and beach scrub to the extraordinarily wide beach and pounding surf. The near absence of street and/or public parking in Sunset Beach ensure that the broad beach isn't overly burdened by out of town beach goers who all too frequently wear bathing costumes that do anything and everything but flatter their over and under fed bodies.

Back inside, a curving stone stairway with an intricately scrolled iron banister leads to the upstairs master bedroom that has a boxed beam ceiling, hardwood flooring, fireplace, ocean views through large window that slides open to a Juliet balcony, walk-in closet, and a Travertine clad master pooper complete with double sinks, steam shower, and Jacuzzi tub. The master bedroom day-core, we regret to inform, is a not particularly pleasing melange of carved wood chairs that look like they might be from Indonesia or Bali or someplace like that, a couple of woven wicker stools unnecessarily placed at the foot of the bed, and a couple of glitzy and glammy mirrored chests on either side of the bed. Mister James' big bed is dressed with white linens and topped with two large leopard print decorative pillows and two smaller black velvet pillows embroidered with a skull and crossbones that offer an ironic and most assuredly unintended message that the once happy marriage between he and America's Sweetheart is d.e.a.d.

Although there is also a guest bedroom with full pooper and walk-in closet on the second floor, listing information for the property indicates the other two bedrooms have been converted for other uses besides slumber and fornication. There is, according to listing information, an ocean view office/bedroom and a large media/game room that has a coffered ceiling with wedding cake moldings, hardwood floors, built in cabinetry and shelves, wet bar, and a couple of down-filled white slip-covered sofas for laying around and watching the wall-mounted flat screen boob-toob.

Other amenities, according to listing information, include an over-sized three car garage with custom fitted "tool crib," whatever that is, professional quality audio and video systems, and a state of the art surveillance system, natch, with multiple security cameras that ensure any moe-ron who gets the damn fool notion to go poking around the property will be filmed for posterity and arrested for trespassing.

As it turns out, another Sunset Beach, CA property owned by Mister James is also on the market and also recently received the bizness with the price chop tomahawk. Property records show Mister James bought a townhouse with rather unattractively accented on the exterior with river rock in November of 2002 for $777,000 and currently has it listed at $1,195,000 after first popping up on the market at $1,290,000. It's unclear to Your Mama if Mister James leased this house or if it is or was occupied by one of his former wives.

Listing information shows the townhouse measures 2,634 square feet, stands three stories tall, and includes 3 bedrooms, 3.5 poopers, 2 river rock fireplaces–one in the living room the other in the master bedroom–and an attached 2-car garage. Other features, according to listing information include a spiral staircase, hardwood floors, double height ceilings, granite counter tops in the kitchen and on the wet bar, an elevator, a small balcony off the living room, and a roof deck with peek-a-boo bay and ocean views.

It's been widely rumored and reported that Mister James is relocating to Austin, TX where he owns a chopper shop and which just happens to be one of the many places his unsullied by the scandal ex-wife Sandy has a home. We realize that Mister James neither asked for our opinion nor sought our sage counsel on the matter, but Your Mama just cain't keep our big- flap trap shut so we're gonna give the philandering fool some free words of wisdom anyway: Listen up J.J., you done blowed it up with Sandy by getting with that tattooed adulteress and as a result there ain't nuthin' but memories of better days to pick through now. Clearly your ex-wife has done moved on with her life, adopted a damn baby without you, and left you standing there in the dust of one of your tricked out chopper things. We suspect you'd have better luck calling up that home wrecker Bombshell McGee and begging her to take you in than you would to ask for mercy from your ex-wife who has shown nothing but great dignity and resolve throughout this sex mess you made. Okaaay?

Miz Bullock, who regularly rakes in well upwards of $15,000,000 per movie, also owns posh properties in Los Angeles, Tybee Island (GA), New Orleans, and New York City.

photos: Pacific Coast News (top photo only), Surfside Colony Real Estate (listing photos)


Anonymous said...

"Quasi-Mediterranean"? Mama, you are far too kind. It looks absolutely vomitacious in all respects. Ugly, ugly, ugly. Reflective of the owner perhaps?

Galveston Gertie said...

My Mama (not this here real estate ladee) used to say you're better off turning a good boy bad than turning a bad boy good. I rest my case.

Madam Pince said...

This is an ugly-ass house, Mama, just like its owner. And I'm not speaking of Mr. James' appearance.

Anonymous said...

The only possible Mediterranean-quality of this cube-like atrocity is its dismal Pepto Bismol pink color. And Mama, please go easy on the links. I clicked into Enema of the State and my computer work! Lawdy, I need this government job.

Studly Hightower
Trenton NJ

Anonymous said...

hate these ridiculous open prices and then it's reduced by 2 million? who cares?

If the housing market was priced as efficiently as the stock market, we'd be out of this recession. People would finally buy these properties at their true values.

Anonymous said...

Ah, Bali is in Indonesia.

Viva! said...

The place certainly needs to be fumigated...then bulldozed. It's hideous.

Anonymous said...

$5 million for a Lego?
No thanks.

Anonymous said...

Lovely place tastefully done!!!

Anonymous said...

Any Feng Shui master could have predicted their split by noticing the beam in the ceiling above the bed that divides the bed. Big no-no.

HOA Mgr Lady said...

Someone needs to look at that flat roof as it has serious issues.

StPaulSnowman said...

Can I really be the only one who finds it creepy that he would even want to relocate to the same area as Ms. Bullock?..........then again, maybe living in this carbuncle forced his hand.

Anonymous said...

Forget Sandra as the reason, it is just a REAL good time to dump Sunset Beach property.

If HB gets their hands on it property values could go down. Paradise will be ruined!

Currently the beach parking is free in Sunset Beach. Huntington Beach has a hard-on to put more of their super high priced parking meters in Sunset Beach and raise business fees through the roof. Great for HB, bad for Sunset Beach residents and businesses that currently only need a county license.,0,5140546.story