SELLER: Joseph Cartagena, a.k.a. Fat Joe
LOCATION: Plantation, FL
SIZE: 5,342 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 3.5 bathrooms
YOUR MAMAS NOTES: A couple weeks ago we received a missive from Vlad the Revealer over at Celebrity Address Aerial who whispered in Your Mama's big ear that some rapper dude named Fat Joe was selling his newly built mansion in some place called Plantation, FL for $1,999,000.
As the children might imagine, Your Mama didn't know this Fat Joe person from a box of bees. After exhausting more pressing subjects and some less pressing matters, we eventually took the interweb to discover what we could figure out about this Fat Joe and Your Mama quickly learned that the Bronx born rapper fella has been big on the gangsta rap scene since the early 1990s, has some sort of stoopid feud going with 50 Cent, witnessed a couple of his dawgs get gunned down in 2007 while sitting in a rented Cadillac Escalade in front of a club in South Beach, possesses a seriously bad ass collection of kicky kicks, and is tremendously fat.
According to property records and the Broward County tax man, in May of 2000 Mister Fat Joe forked over $115,000 to purchase a vacant lot that measures just a hair over an acre in Plantation, FL, an upscale enclave just west of Fort Lauderdale pushed up against The Everglades and too near some terrible sounding highway called Alligator Alley for Your Mama's psychic comfort.
A bit more digging around on the internets and we discover that Mister Fat Joe hired LM Architect & Associates to design and build a Mediterranean meets modern style mansion completed sometime in 2009. The big boy's manse measures, according to marketing materials, 5,342 square feet and includes a total of 4 bedrooms and 3.5 poopers between the main house and a second floor guest house that includes wood floors, full kitchen facilities, a wall mounted boob-toob, and private pooper for guests, in-laws or live-in staff.
Electronic gates swing open to the driveway, which is hedged for privacy, and leads to the front of the house dominated by a large motor court and front facing three car garage that sits just to the right of the front entrance. The double front doors open to a long and extra-wide entrance hall that features lustrous 24" x 24" polished Alhambra limestone floors with wood inlay, high ceilings, an upside-down wedding cake shaped crystal chandelier, and unfortunately, an entire wall covered floor to ceiling with shimmery mother of pearl tiles.
Just to the right of the entrance lies the formal dining room, a somewhat narrow space with custom made, hammered metal paper wall covering (whatever that is), a metallic, cloud-like "Hollywood" chandelier (whatever that is), and sexy, bone colored suede drapes that hang in front of a tall arched window. The fancy floor tile style displayed in the entrance hall continues into the formal living room, an uncomfortably impersonal space where vast expanses of walls are busted up with windows covered in putty colored heather silk taffeta drapery.
The gore-may kitchen has timber-tile floors (whatever that is) with cork grout, glossy white cabinetry from some swank Italian outfit, a large work island and breakfast bar, a full compliment of high grade appliances including 2 side by side refrigerator/freezers, and a most unusual, sort of beachy blue and white striated granite counter top.
Like all good celebrity homes, Mister Fat Joe's nest comes equipped with a state of the art home theater system that includes 10 ivory leather power seats that listing information indicates cost $50,000, a wicked sound system, and a 100" screen.
The master suite, a large carpeted room off the entrance hall, has French doors that open to the backyard, 3 walk-in closets/dressing areas, one of which Your Mama presumes is devoted entirely to Mister Fat Joe's sneakers, and a dee-luxe pooper with slick and glassy taupe colored tile work, double vanity, a hydro-tub set into a massive raised platform in a bay window, steam shower and clover shaped chandelier fashioned from what appears to be capiz shells strands or some other opaque material that emits and warm glow.
The backyard includes a large rectangular swimming pool and circular spa, both of which appear to be all did up with mosaic tiles in varying shades of aqua. The pool and spa are surrounded by a generous stone terrace which is in turn surrounded by large, flat and unnaturally green swathes of lawn.
In a convergence of real estate and (quasi-) celebrity, Mister Fat Joe listed his newly built crib in Plantation with comely Katrina Campins who, the children may recall, shared a room with that frightening and volatile Omarosa ladee–remember that beehawtcha?–on the first season of The Apprentice and then went back to the reality tee-vee well again in 2009 on an utterly pointless and banal reality program called Miami Social.