SELLERS: Joe and Teresa Giudice
LOCATION: Towaco, NJ
SIZE: 10,000 square feet (approx.), 6 bedrooms, 5.5 bathrooms.
YOUR MAMAS NOTES: It seems the financial fat ladee has done sung for yet another of Bravo's allegedly wealthy housewives. This time its one of the blinged out guidettes from New Jersey. All week long there's been a big brouhaha a brewin' in the tabs and everywhere else about how The Real Housewives of New Jersey's too tan baby factory Teresa Giudice and her grunting huzband Joe filed for chapter 7 bankruptcy back in late October of 2009. The large livin' couple claimed an astonishing $11,000,000 in outstanding debt–$10,853,648.04 to be exact–and only $79,000 a year in taxable income, plus another ten grand a month in "assistance" from family members. It doesn't take a brain surgeon–and Your Mama ain't no brain surgeon–to figure out that it was only a matter of time before the over spenders heaved their trés tacky mansion in Towaco, NJ on the market.
That's right buckaroos, fasten them seat belts because Mister and Missus Giudice–that's pronounced gee-oo-dice or jew-dee-chay or something like that–have hoisted their mammoth, marble, granite, and onyx encrusted crib of questionable architectural provenance or integrity on the market with an asking price of $3,999,999, otherwise known as four million clams.
Oh lo-wurhd have mercy, that whackadoodle Danielle Staub is going to have a field day with this one, isn't she? She's going to take to the airwaves and clatter up to the rooftops to shout and scream some kind of crazy nonsense about how this is divine justice, the unforgiving retaliatory hand of fate coming down to chop the evil Giudices down to size. Can't y'all just see her head spinning round like Linda damn Blair in The Exorcist?
Anyhoo, according to previous reports and their fascinating bankruptcy filing–which Your Mama is embarrassed to admit we actually read–the Gee-oo-dice's (or Jew-dee-chays) have managed to rack up a staggering $104,000 in credit card debt, owe $12,000 for fertility treatments, and another $2,300 in phone bills. And that, puppies, is just the tip of their ice berg of debt. Crimeny sakes, who has $2,300 in phone bills? What kind of person has $104,000 in credit card debt? Have mercy. It drives Your Mama to drink in the morning just to think about that sort of financial hole. And furthermore, if these two have $11,000,000 in debt, where did Tee-tee get that toilet paper roll sized wad of cash last season that she used to buy hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of ass-uglee furniture for their newly built monument to excess? Certainly they didn't wrack up eleven million bucks in debt in a single year.
Most mystifying, mortifying, and psychically destabilizing to Your Mama are the 8 mortgages that total $2,600,000 that the Jew-dee-chays (or Gee-oo-dices or whatever) carry on three homes. Whaaaaat? Somebody please grab Your Mama a damn nerve pill and slowly explain to our booze addled brain how these people managed to secure 8 mortgages on 3 properties totaling $2,600,000 with an income of $79,000 per year? It's no wonder the gubbamint had to step in to save the damn banks last year or whenever that was.
Previous reports indicate the deeply indebted duo have already handed two of the three properties back to the bank and one imagines that iffin they don't get their vulgar manse in Towaco sold quick–or big, bad, and rich Caroline Manzo doesn't step in to save their impoverished butts–then Tee-tee and Joe-Joe are in jeopardy of losing the family's faux chateau to foreclosure.
As best as Your Mama can tell, Mister and Missus Gee-oo-dice (or whatever) paid $530,000 for the 3.77 acre property in December of 2001 and subsequently took out a second mortgage of $1,720,000. Listing information shows the Giudice's residential beast measures around 10,000 square feet and includes 6 bedrooms and 5.5 poopers including a master suite with fireplace, separate sitting room, dressing room, walk-in closet, and steam shower. Please, do not, we beg of the children, think about or discuss anything related to Joe-Joe and Tee-tee taking a steam together.
Other amenities of the 16-room residence, according to listing information, include a train station sized entrance hall with double height ceiling and twin curving staircases with intricate wrought iron balustrades, a gigantic great room, formal living and dining rooms, game room, wine room, media room, den, office, gourmet eat-in kitchen with center island, and a separate staff or guest suite with private pooper.
Thank heavens listing information does not include photographs of the interiors because Your Mama would rather slowly saw off our left leg than look at the decorative train wreck that is the Jew-dee-chay (or Gee-oo-dice or whatever) mansion. We know of what we speak, poodles, because like millions of others, we've had the misfortune of repeating peering inside the wing-ed doors of that pile o' architectural doo-doo on The Real Housewives of New Jersey program.
The barely landscaped grounds include a long, red driveway composed of crushed granite or brick or something, a prairie sized motor court, large expanse of lawn–or weeds cut down to look like lawn–and two ponds including one with an man-made waterfall of stacked stone. Listing information states that "privacy and tranquility reigns" at the Gee-oo-dice (or Jew-dee-chay) digs but Your Mama has to wonder how much tranquility there really can be at a property that backs up to I-287, an extremely bizzy, 4-lane highway.
Listen celery sticks, we kind of like this Teresa gal and her amazingly explosive temper that causes her to occasionally upend tables in public places and holler brilliant barbs like "PROSTITUTION WHORE!" She makes for good (reality) tee-vee. We just think–and it is only Your Mama's meaningless opinion–that poor Tee-tee and Joe-Joe don't have a cotton pickin' clue about making good architectural choices or creating tasteful interiors...or, apparently, managing money. All the children know that Your Mama really doesn't care to dance on any one's real estate grave. However, we have a very difficult time feeling bad for someone–that would be Tee-tee–who's drowning in $11,000,000 of debt and then hauls her big balls onto national tee-vee and brags about how much cheddar she spent on her 9-year old daughter's birthday party. It's unseemly, not to mention bordering on immoral.
Where or where will Tee-tee, Joe-Joe and their band of bedazzled gurls go next? Maybe that touchy-feely Dina ladee will take them in. Or possibly the kind and well meaning but mealy mouthed Jacqueline can put them up in her basement next to that scary gun cabinet of hers. Somehow, even though they are tick as teeves, we sort of doubt Momma Manzo, a sensible if somewhat frightening woman, would take in a charity case with four children and $11,000,000 in debt. For what it's worth–and it's worth nothing–Your Mama thinks Joe-Joe and Tee-tee ought to get rid of the $1,280 a month Escalade they clearly can't afford, buy a used Kia car, and rent a crappy three-bedroom apartment in Secaucus, NJ with an affordable rent that's in line with their income. Just a thought.