Thursday, June 28, 2007

If You Can't Be Gisele, You Can At Least Rent Her Manhattan Penthouse

OWNER: Gisele Bundchen
LOCATION: West 11th Street, New York, NY
PRICE: $29,000/month
SIZE: 1,754 square feet, 2 bedrooms, 2.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Fabulous FURNISHED Penthouse Triplex with gorgeous views of the Hudson River from all rooms with approx. 2500 sq. ft. planted terrace equipped with chef's professional grill and furnitures. There is also a hot tub/jacuzzi on the private roof deck. This residence with key locked elevator features 2 bedrooms, 2.5 baths, complete with drop dead river views on each floor with interiors done in a soft Brazilian style. It is furnished with flat screen TV's, A/V equipment, subzero fridge and has central A/C.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: This morning we're going to jump on the back of Braden Keil of the NY Post who writes in his Gimme Shelter column that Brazilian super model Gisele Bundchen is looking to lease out her West Village penthouse for the month of August for the Birkin Bag busting price of $29,000.

Your Mama knows ya'll are asking the same thing we are. Why? This skinny bitch's bank account is fat. F.A.T. So fat that she makes makes nasty tempered parolee Naomi Campbell look like a pauper. So it's not that she needs the money.

Besides, who gets top dollar leasing their fancy place out in August? in New York City? In August? Lahwd children, have you been to New York City in August? It's hot as Hades and the humidity sits so heavy on the air it's like breathing cotton. And do we even need to discuss the odors that assault people as they walk the streets? Think melting dog crap that people do not pick up because it's too much effort to bend over in the extreme heat, evaporating urine (canine and human), rotting garbage, and the disturbing body odor of strangers standing in line at the supermarket.

And trust Your Mama when we tell you that come August, people who are stuck in New York City are edgy and angry from the heat. Seriously, do not fuck with a sweaty New Yorker in August, because even a Junior Leaguer wearing Chanel sandals would sooner cut you than compromise over who is getting into the lone taxi cab on Fifth Avenue at 4:30pm.

Let's be honest, most with the means to afford a $29,000 monthly sublet flee New York City in August in order to escape the sweltering heat and humidity. Sure, Gisele's penthouse has more terrace square footage than most New Yorker's have indoors, but in August, who's going to be sitting out there looking at the Hudson River roll buy while rivulets of sweat stream down their humidity bloated skin? Seriously. In August, New Yorkers stay inside, air conditioning pumping, praying there isn't a blackout.

So while the terraces are lovely and the views are quite attractive, it's really the interior spaces that matter to New Yorkers in August. And unfortunately the only photos of the in-side of the penthouse are a couple of one of the somewhat ordinary poopers, which looks like a perfectly adequate, if a little dark, place to evacuate.

The triplex unit is accessed via a key lock elevator which will make all the security freaks out there feel a little safer. But Your Mama is far more concerned that the elevator service all three floors of the penthouse. Your Mama could not even consider paying $29,000 a month to huff and puff our prodigious backside up and down three flights of stairs day in and day out. That would be like being charged a huge some of money to have a coronary.

We're sure the leasing of this property has something to do with the fact that Miss Gisele recently purchased a townhouse in the once bohemian, now atrociously expensive West Village neighborhood of New York. Miss Gisele also recently sold her Los Angeles house for almost $4,000,000. That house, located on Devlin Drive in the Hollywood Hills, sits sugar borrowing distance from durty mommy to be Christina Aguilera's spectacular modern manse and the flip property that Fred Savage recently sold to billionaire Alfred Mann's daughter Cassandra.

P.S. To all the children who read this post earlier today, we apologize for the confusion and discrepancies.

Source: NY Post, Radar Online, Just Jared

15 comments:

Anonymous said...

she has a townhouse in the west village - i saw her 3 weeks ago barking orders at hispanic workmen doing her refurb!

Anonymous said...

All I can say is: that's not Gisele's apartment. Wrong pics.

Your Mama said...

Hmm. The listing information where those photos came from has EXACTLY the same description given by Mister Keil, right down to the square footage, number of beds and baths, and the "750 square foot kitchen." Not to mention the specific detail that it's available ONLY for August at $30k. If we got the wrong pix, then the listing agent has the wrong pix, and somehow we doubt that because the listing agent is one of New York's finest real estate agents.

Anonymous said...

Lovely apartment, amazing terrace space and view. Can't agree more about NYC in August - NOBODY is around, everyone goes to the Hamptons.

WTF is with the sheep in the living room and what are those ridiculously long tubes in the pot on the coffee table??

I'm sure that arrangement cost more than I make in a year, but still, it is pretty horrible.

Nancypants said...

I would be afraid to sit in those dining chairs and I'm hatin' that arched, 1970s lamp thing in the living room. Yes, I saw them in Pottery Barn a year or two ago too...still hatin' it.

Anonymous said...

it's me again, anonymous, who said it's not Gisele's. I'm telling you, it's not her apt. I should have been clearer - not just the wrong pics, but the wrong listing. Keil got bad info. I wish I could, but I can't say more.

Anonymous said...

does anyone else remember sheep like that all over Saks in Beverly Hills a few years ago?

Anonymous said...

I always thought Gisele lived in 176 Perry. I've seen her around there millions of times & of course the towers are at West Street so I would imagine that if she doesn't live in the Perry St towers then she indeed lives on West St so this Apt. is probably the correct one.

Jason the Death Ant said...

Also I hate to burst your bubble but Quentin Tarantino did NOT buy Gisele's house in LA, it was purchased by Luc Besson, he is a French film director.

Anonymous said...

Huh. Sorely lacking in closet space for all my designer duds...;-)

Anonymous said...

It's not the right apartment. Just because you've seen her around there does not mean that the apartment pictured is hers.

Anonymous said...

Most definitely, no one with means to rent this place wants to be in NYC in August unless they have to. I love this place, though, whomever it belongs to.

This doesn't really sound like the place I've heard Gisele talking about on t.v., but who knows. It is quite nice, but if I lived there, I'd probably put a bathroom in that third bedroom and make the place a two bedroom.

Anonymous said...

The dining room chairs have to go, of course.

Anonymous said...

"It's not the right apartment. Just because you've seen her around there does not mean that the apartment pictured is hers"

I said, "probably"! I see her all the time around Perry St, hence I always assumed she loved in 176 - there is not many building options on West Street in this portion of the west village so I would think Mama is correct & I know she has just purchased a new townhouse that was reported in a lot of Brazilian press so I guess it's an ideal time to rent her loft - if it's not hers then so be it, but when she's always walking down perry street & doesn't live in the Meier towers then I can only assume she lives on West st b/c you can't go any further!

Anonymous said...

so her apartment is facing west st - the corner of west 11th & west - interesting.