Friday, February 16, 2007
Oops, She's Moving Again: UPDATE
SELLER: Britney Spears
LOCATION: 12094 Summit Circle, Beverly Hills, CA
SIZE: 9,130 square feet, 6 bedrooms, 6.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: This exquisite Tuscan Villa in a prestigious gated community is situated behind gates on a quiet cul de sac with 24hr security. Designer perfect, this 6+6.5 7,453 sf (approx) enchanting estate accented by stunning landscaping, boasts a grand entry foyer, high ceilings, gourmet chef's kit, family rm, media rm, mds qtrs, stone & wd flrs, French drs lead out to park-like grounds and a sparkling pl. Romantic mastr ste w/fpl & balcony overlooking the pl complete this gorgeous home! Sold w/ furniture.
YOUR MAMAS UPDATE: Oh children, this story has become so intensely sad and depressing Your Mama is going to end up in a sanitarium before this saga is through. Run now and grab yourself a Xanax or whatever pills and liquids help you get happy because Your Mama is going to take you on a harrowing journey through the temporary residence of America's current tabloid queen.
The photos above expose the home newly bald-headed Britney Spears purchased just two months ago. As all the children know by now, Spears put the property back on the market earlier this week and some reports have her staying back at her house in Malee-boo. If Your Mama did not know this home belonged to Spears, we might be forgiven for thinking it looks like the large home of any-ole Los Angelean with money enough to hire a nice gay decorator.
Your Mama will not be tearing apart the decorative choices of the former homeowner. Perhaps our friend over at The Gilded Moose will tackle that job in one of his impossibly funny architectural reviews. What we would like to discuss are the small, heartbreaking details that can be seen in some of the photos.
Your Mama admits to relishing the tawdry demise of Spears' marriage to the wannabe White Rapper. (Did anyone think that marriage was really going last?) We even enjoyed her pathetic parade of teeny tiny outfits and multiple crotch shots as she cut her cross-country path through the club scenes in Los Angeles, Miami, Las Vegas, and New York.
Then around New Year's Eve things started to get ugly and Your Mama began to worry about this gurl. We no longer giggled with twisted delight when we read about her passing out or puking on herself. Instead we cringed and wished someone could help this wild child who seemed to be quickly veering into the out of control lane.
Our real sadness began when she bought this house. If you recall, the house was purchased fully furnished, and reportedly, on the spur of the moment. This desperate grab to buy a "home" makes Your Mama feel there was little in her Malee-boo marital house of horrors to which she felt attached or valued enough to take with her.
Even more puzzling and upsetting, Spears did not just purchase the furniture, she purchased everything in the house including the artwork, the books in the library, and even the knick-knacks. Was she unconsciously trying to purchase another life altogether?
Let's head up to the master bedroom. If you believe what the tabloids are saying lately, and we're not sure you should, this room is little used due to Spears' frequent forays into the Hollywood nightlife. We ask the children to look very closely at the bed. Do you see that lone blue stuffed bear perched forlornly on the edge of the bed looking like it could fall off any moment? It's a too obvious and melancholy metaphor for additional comment.
Also, please note the barren dressing area/closet. Does the absence of clothing in here mean Ms. Spears has already moved out? Or does it indicate a more gruesome reality in which she never really moved in? Which leads Your Mama to unhappily speculate all her trampy little outfits might actually be stuffed into an easily portable and tawdry little duffel bag in the trunk of her Mercedes ready to be moved to the next "home."
Next we would like to discuss the bedroom which appears to be that of Sean Preston, the elder heir to the Spears/Federline legacy. One of Britney's (many) people must have lickety split hired a gay decorator to come up in here to quickly turn a guest bedroom into one suitable for a child. Your Mama notes the kiddie patterned curtains, the over-sized stuffed animals, and the cute giraffe print chairs. But we're concerned the canopied bed is a little grown up for a two year old and wonder if little Sean Preston feels comfortable sleeping in this huge bed.
Moving on to the bedroom with the crib, which of course belongs to Jayden James. Unfortunately the efforts of the gay decorator prove even more dismal in this room. The kiddie print curtains are working hard to be cheerful and the train/truck thing hanging companionless on the wall behind the crib indicates this might be a boy's room. But other than these things, we see nothing to entertain, inspire or soothe a developing child. If that was not enough to induce deep despondency, please note the built in desk with computers to the left of the photo. Is this a nursery or home office? Poor Jayden.
The photos of the pool and terraces are really quite lovely and the backyard looks like a nice quiet place to curl up and relax on a warm winter day in Bev Hills. But children, do you think Britney has ever used the pool or sat up on that covered balcony pondering the hillside? No children, sadly we don't think so either. Like the rest of the house, these places feel empty and devoid of life and happiness.
Your Mama has a difficult time understanding why Spears didn't just take bungalow or two at the Beverly Hills Hotel. Wouldn't this have been a cleaner, simpler solution to her housing needs as she transitioned from marriage to single mommy-hood? Why go through the bother and expense to hire gardeners, maids, pool boys and the like. Why Britney? At a time like this, when you could use all the privacy you can find, wouldn't it have been more prudent not to have a bunch of strangers up in your house where they become privy to your private bizness?
Seriously Britney gurl, Your Mama hopes you are able to pull yourself together sooner rather than later. We would hate to see you go the way of the late Anna Nicole Smith. That may seem like an extreme statement now, but remember, before the blond superstar became a drug addled tragedy magnet she was just out having a good time, letting off steam, and looking for love just like you.
We understand you spent a day or two in rehab in the Bahamas then checked yourself out, headed right back to LA and got yourself a new tatoo. Hunny, where are your children? Listen, if you need a good head doctor, let Your Mama know and we'll set you up with the Dr. Cooter who we know for sure can help you through this rough tumble.
Posted by Your Mama at 1:44 PM