Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Bruce Makowsky Flips Out In Beverly Park

SELLER: Bruce Makowsky and 
LOCATION: Beverly Hills, CA
PRICE: $26,500,000

SIZE: 15,193 square feet, 7 bedrooms, 9.5 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: It was jut five short months ago that ladies' accessories tycoons Bruce Makowsky and Kathy Van Zeeland—married designers and purveyors of boat loads of mid-priced ladies handbags and shoes—paid comedian Martin Lawrence $17,200,000 for his 7 bedroom and 9.5 bathroom mansion on 2.2 gated and landscaped acres in the unapologetically showy Bevelry Park enclave in Beverly Hills, CA.
 
Well, dontcha know booter beans, yesterday Mister M. and Miz V.Z. flipped the 15,000+ square foot pile—current listing information describes it as a "newly renovated...Neoclassical estate"—back on the (open) market with a far more voluptuous $26,500,000 price tag.*

We're not sure what all exactly the Makowsky-Van Zeelands did to justify the astonishing $9.3 million increase in value that their current asking price suggests. However, a quick comparison of current listing photos to those from June 2012, when the property briefly popped up on the the rental market at a sphincter-clenching rate of $200,000 per month, shows the couple did—at the very least—hire Staging Lady in a Pink Toyota to get her decorative claws up in there to re-dress the spacious house in a more streamlined and generically contemporary manner. 

The recent renovations clearly included a minor face lift in the kitchen. The bull-nosed seal gray granite counter tops that look to our boozy eyes like the exact same material as the shiny stone floor  were not replaced but the maple-colored cabinetry were painted a crisp, snow white and the hardware was switched to a chrome-colored material** Mister M. and Miz V.Z., to their decorative credit, also replaced the godawful, circa-1982 panel-style light fixture over the massive center island with a far more elegant, if slightly under-sized pendant with a silver-lined matte black shade.***

The double height foyer appears mostly unchanged with gray-veined white marble floors, a curved staircase, elaborate wrought iron railings and a vast stained glass ceiling. Also mostly unchanged, as far as we can tell, is the wood paneled formal dining room outfitted with a green marble topped table and glittery crystal chandelier that we have to admit is pretty terrific as far as Old School chandeliers go. We can only hope it's some priceless Austrian thing or, maybe, an impressively pedigreed stunner plucked at auction from a 18th century chateau in the Loire Valley. Anyhoo... The current dining room has an adjoining, temperature-controlled wine cellar that we're not sure was or was not there at the time the Makowsky-Van Zeelands acquired the estate.

Multiple living and entertaining rooms include a formal living room with fireplace and an adjoining pub-room with sunken bar and built-in fish tank. A kooky, completely tufted sectional sofa faces an imposing carved stone fireplace in the ballroom-sized family room that also has pale blond hardwood floors and numerous, heavily draped and prominently valanced windows and French doors that extend luxuriously all the way to the heavy-duty ceiling moldings. At the far end of the family room, a carpeted sunken t.v. viewing lounge is set into a curved wall of windows and equipped with a custom-milled media cabinet and a bespoke semi-circular sofa that wraps around a coffee table shaped a tad bit too much like a giant terlit seat for Your Mama's partickaler decorative tastes.

The home theater has disturbing, blood red carpeting, blood red fabric panels set into vaguely Art Deco style columned archways, eight or more chocolate brown leater recliner seats and a marble-floored concession center with a generous selection of candy, a commericial-style popcorn popper andjust as every self-respecting home theater in a grandiose Beverly Hills Macmansion shoulda built-in soda dispenser.

The second floor master, entered—natch—through double doors, has beige wall-to-wall carpeting, curvaceous-looking beige walls, a fireplace, and (at least) four sets of arched French doors that open to a wrap around Juliet balcony. There's also his and her bathrooms—at least one of them is lined with not-particularly-private floor-to-ceiling arched windows and has white marble floors, marble-topped make up vanity and a small chandelier hung ominously above a chunky, sarcophagus-shaped free standing soaking tub.

There are additional guest suites and "ample staff quarters," according to current listing information, plus another 1,000 square feet guest house/gym and an outdoor kitchen. At the north end of the property there's a second, rear motor court, a four car garage and a sunken and lighted tennis court with a viewing platform. Down in the sunny south eastern corner of the estate, there's an octagonal pool house—that may or may not be the aforementioned 1,000 square foot guest house/gym, we're not sure—and a broad stone tile terraces for dining, lounging and sunbathing around the swimming pool and elevated spa. We can get pretty snarky about this house—its exactly the sort of house that gives Your Mama nightmares—but, let's be honest children, the view across the pool and beyond the dozen padded sun loungers that flank a vivid yellow and white striped cabana to the distant mountains and palm tree interrupted sky line looks like a too-pricey boo-teek hotel that Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter might like to stay in once or twice.

We're not quite sure where Mister Lawrence moved but a reasonably thorough perusal of public and property records available on the internets Your Mama tells Your Mama that Mister Makowsky and, by extension, his wife Kathy Van Zeeland are newly minted real estate ballers of the highest order and with a strong emphasis in Beverly Park

According to the well-worn beads of Your Mama's trusty bejeweled abacus, in the last two or three years Mister Makowsky and/or Miz Van Zeeland have shelled out more than $80,000,000 on a heavy duty handful of humongous and hugely high priced residential properties in Beverly Hills and Malibu. That's right, eighty million clams. That means, through their various outlets that include scads brick and mortar retailers as well as at least one major home shopping network, Mister Makowsky must unload more than 300,000 metallic Goodwin Satchels that retail at $268 bucks apiece on at least one online retailer we consulted in order to recoup their combined investments. Looked at another way, Miz Van Zeeland needs to pawn off more than 1,145,000 imported, giraffe-printed synthetic leather zip over satchels**** now available sale on the same-as-above online retailer for $69.99. That is, to be sure, a lot of goddamn satchels.

*Current listing information shows the Lawrence/Makowsky-Van Zeeland mansion encompasses 15,193 square feet while marketing materials from June 2012, when the palatial—if decoratively outdated—property was put up for lease at $200,000 per month, show the bulky X-shaped structure measures 16,178 square feet. Even more perplexing, perhaps, is that at least one property record data base Your Mama accessed shows the "Neoclassical" manse measures 13,835 square feet as does the Los Angeles County Tax Man. Make of those spatial discrepancies whatever y'all will.  

**We have no idea if the hardware is chrome, stainless steel, nickel or nickle-plated. We can only surmise from the listing photos the hardware is, as we described, "chrome colored."

***Your Mama has no idea when the pitiful panel-style light fixture was actually installed. It could have been 1982, 1992, 2002 or any other year before, after and in between. 

****Although we highly doubt they come from Italy—Italians, as a general rule, don't do synthetic leather—Your Mama doesn't know from whence the satchels came. We also are not at all positive that  actually is or was intended to be a giraffe print. 

listing photos: Coldwell Banker

28 comments:

Anonymous said...

Not nearly as much of a hot mess as it was a few months ago, but I still feel Aunt Maude's aura all too strongly.

Anonymous said...

Our Mama has adjusted to Pacific standard time and returned to her familiar schedule of rising at noon!

The institutional exterior of this house reminds the Rabbi of Blumenfeld's Rehabilitation Home; the Makowsky portico with its too slender columns simply needs to morph into a porte cochere.

Amd speaking of rehabilitation, the Rabbi would like to thank her very many visitors whom she received while recovering. Especially her synagogue president, Mrs. Hester Dipester (Isn't it awful her brand new XTS struck the Blumenfeld carport on her way out?) with the official get well card signed by fifteen of the eighteen trustees of the synagogue board.

Rabbi Hedda Hadassah LaCasa
Sent via her Jewish-American Princess Phone

Anonymous said...

The Makowskys must have realized that noone would pay $200K per month for that mess. However, there is a good chance that a Russian or Arab may be foolish enough to buy it for around 20 mill.

FalseProfit said...

This place is still hideous. Certainly not worth the asking price.

Anonymous said...

If you actually know what this idiot paid for this or your agent does and you still pay anywhere near what this greedy bastard is asking, you are an idiot or you should give your agent a one way ticket to the bottom of the ocean.

Anonymous said...

Um........is it just me or did this place magically gain 2000 square feet in a few months time? It was 13K back in June. Did Makowsky add on an invisible wing or something?

Anonymous said...

oh nevermind, i just saw Mama's comment on the matter.

Petra's said...

"You can put lipstick on a pig..."

Anonymous said...

This is not a "7 bedroom and 9.5 bathroom mansion on 2.2 gated and landscaped acres in the unapologetically showy Bevelry (sic) Park enclave in Beverly Hills, CA." Beverly Park is part of the City of Los Angeles, not Beverly Hills. It's the worst kind of "Beverly Hills adjacent."

Anonymous said...

continuing the above comment, a detail:

Both Beverly Park North and Beverly Park South carry a Beverly Hills Post Office address (90210 ZIP Code), but are located within the City of Los Angeles.

Anonymous said...

Who cares, get over it. It's all the same shit. If you'll notice all the real estate websites like zillow, Redfin, and the listings themselves give the address as BH.

Anonymous said...

What is the symbolism of two or three story front doors? The higher they are the richer the inhabitants, or the more important? Unlike the Imperial Hotel (Lloyd Wright) where I stayed once and where one had to bow down to go through the doorways (Japanese were small when it was built), I presume the sky high doors signal that the exalted inhabitants and their guests can stretch up as high as they are important.

Anonymous said...

I heard Mr. Lawrence has been hiding out in Big Momma's House.

Rick Wrinklebottom said...

Man, Beverly Park must be mecca for people with bad taste in houses...

Anonymous said...

@anonymous 3:37pm

Well, OK. But isn't Mama's whole point to provide something better and different than what all "the real estate websites like zillow, Redfin, and the listings themselves" provide?

And Beverly Hills is NOT "all the same shit" as Los Angeles." That's exactly why Beverly Park's developers, residents and realtors go out of their way (and spend good time and money) to mislead the world into thinking that Beverly Park is part of Beverly Hills, not Los Angeles (including by corrupting those real estate websites and creating those wrong listings). YOU BET IT MATTERS! Status. Schools. Police response. Public services. Taxes. Lots more.

Anonymous said...

WTF are they thinking with that pricetag? Ridiculously ballsy and greedy.

Anonymous said...

This pile wont git 26M

Anonymous said...

You are stupid 9:33.

Beverly Park is in Beverly Hills Post Office, while not the city of Beverly Hills this area has been long included in the Beverly Hills zip code.

While initially just a ploy to increase the marketablity of homes in the area as Beverly Hills was overcrowded and running out of development space... this is now Beverly Hills, not proper but post office. This is no ruise of websites and realtors to convince people the area is good. It is an official FACTUAL part of Beverly Hills Post Office and has been for decades.

Anonymous said...

Agreed, so get over your bullshit 9:33... bc you probably live in Studio City and are pointing out that this isn't Beverly Hills like a fucking moron. The worst part of Beverly Hills adjacent are the areas in Studio City and Sherman Oaks that are coined " Beverly Hills PO ". Just saying.

Anonymous said...

It'a amusing in the extreme to see people squabbling over rich people's "home/toys" like a bunch of kids over some doll or other thingy. Well money doesn't often bring real happiness. Just more stuff to get mad and insulting about.

Anonymous said...

paging all arabs and russians looking to buy in beverly park! bruce makowsky is a greedy bastard who clearly thinks you all are chumps and will give him a big fat easy payday!

don't prove him right please.

stolidog said...

Why do so many of LA's mega-mansions look like scarface has just redecorated and is ready to move in. Just tacky.

Anonymous said...

There are an awful lot of apologists here for the straightforward factual inaccuracy of calling Beverly Park part of Beverly Hills. It's Los Angeles, plain and simple. Having a Beverly Hills P.O. does not make a property part of Beverly Hills. What's more, Beverly Park is unquestionably the worst kind of "Beverly Hills adjacent." The parts of Studio City and Sherman Oaks that are coined "Beverly Hills PO" may be less expensive than Beverly Park, but nothing can come close to Beverly Park's grotesque bad taste, low design standards (at least as bad on average as anything in The Valley) and unbounded almost-no-bang-for-the-buck excess. There's also no question that Beverly Park is deliberately parasitic on Beverly Hills' status and otherwise.

I'm frankly a little surprised that Mama does not delete comments calling other commenters "stupid." But, whatever.

Anonymous said...

Gurl please. You wish you could afford to rent a house in Beverly Park.

Anonymous said...

I do see some improvement. It looked like real cheap tacky quality when Martin first sold it off. I think the living room looks better with the new fireplace added. I believe that's new. I don't remember that fireplace before. But that home theater looks so cheap and dated. That house looks like the 1980's vomited all over the place. Its cheap, tacky and very dated looking. The kitchen, theater room, and that aquarium fish tank thing looks so 1984 Dynasty reject. It looks awful.

Anonymous said...

For an almost 10 million dollar increase he better have rebuilt the place from the ground up with top materials from around the world.

Anonymous said...

"Gurl please. You wish you could afford to rent a house in Beverly Park."

Beverly Park IS expensive. That much is factually correct. Expensive and hugely tacky, badly designed, pretentious, dated, not part of Beverly Hills ... and (most importantly) returning almost no real utility or joy to the owners for all of the millions they squander there. But it IS expensive.

The comment immediately above: "[T]hat aquarium fish tank thing looks so 1984 Dynasty reject. It looks awful." The exact same thing is true about almost all of Beverly Park!

Anonymous said...
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