Friday, June 3, 2011

Your Mama Keeps Hearing...

...That New York City-bound sitcom star and rom-com queen Jennifer Aniston is moments away from selling the Beverly Hills, CA mansion she dubbed Ohana.

Miss Aniston acquired the house in November 2006 for $13,500,000 from prolific contemporary art collector and art industry tour de force Rosette Delug. She spent the next four years on an expansion and complete overhaul of the 10,000-ish square foot residence originally designed in 1972 by noted modernist architect Hal Leavitt. Almost as soon as the paint was dry Miss Aniston had a real estate change of heart and listed Ohana–which means extended family or some such thing in Polynesian-speak–in March 2011 with a sky-high price tag of $42,000,000, a dizzying number that caused more than a few real estate watchers to gasp with horror and indignation at what they thought was an audacious and unrealistic asking price.

We first heard the scuttlebutt about the possible sale of Miss Aniston's Ohana from Bev Hills real estate insider Nina Knowsthedirt who snitched to Your Mama a few weeks ago that Miss Aniston had received two offers for her supah-swank city view estate, both over $35,000,000. At that point, according to Nina, Miss Aniston's top-producing Real Estate put word out to the small group of folks in Tinseltown who can and do sell forty million dollar houses that if they had any possible buyers for Ohana they should get them into the house lickety-split because Miss Aniston was eager to accept an already on the table offer. Disbelief reigned amongst all the economic Chicken Littles who insist the real estate sky is still falling.

One week after Nina dropped her celebrity real estate 411 in our inbox Your Mama received a covert communique from trusted informant Crawzuhdeen from the Shawlza who whispered that word on the Platinum Triangle Real Estate Street was that Miss Aniston's estate had been put into escrow by ridiculously rich Russian oligarch Roman Abramovich and his much younger arty-farty baby momma Dasha Zhukova, herself an heiress to a substantial oil and arms fortune. When we went back and queried Nina on the matter, she told us that the Real Estate of the notorious trophy property collector denied her Russian multi-billionaire clients are the buyers of Ohana. Make of that what you will, puppies.

This week Your Mama received additional intel from a third source, a foreign gal in the Lala Land real estate game whom we'll call Upinda Everyonesbizness. Ol' Upinda, who is not Jewish but is none-the-less a devoted real estate yenta of the highest order, swears on her momma's life that Ohana is indeed in escrow–for $38,000,000 give or take a million–and that she too hears through the gossip grapevine the buyer is, "that Russian with the big boat."

At first we thought maybe Ol' Upinda might be referring to Russian fertilizer magnate and billionaire Andrey Melnichenko who caused considerable kerfuffle and around which swirled scads of real estate prattle and chatter last fall when he had is huge and sinister-looking boat A anchored off the coast of Venice.

Given that sorting out the details of a not yet completed transaction is a lot like the telephone game where details easily become distorted and/or muddled to the point of inaccuracy in their retelling, the "Russian with the big boat" could easily be Mister Melnichenko. To complicate matters Your Mama was also told that the buyer of Ohana might be a New York City financier. However, all signs and most sources with whom we consulted continue to point directly at Mister Abramovich who, as many of the children surely know, owns a gargantuan private yacht called Eclipse about the size of a damn oil tanker.

Official listings still show Ohana as available with an asking price of $42,000,000 and while somewhat misleading we suspect the listing will remain marked as "active" and available until this (alleged) deal is done done done like a Thanksgiving turkey.

Miss Aniston, who reportedly plans to relocate to New York City, continues to own a far more modest home high above the Sunset Strip she purchased in early 1993 for $751,000 so she'll be far from west coast homeless after she sells her Bev Hills house. The actress, who grew up in the N.Y.C., recently closed on two small but hideously expensive adjacent apartments in a prime pre-war edifice in New York City's West Village. One, a high-floor one bedroom, cost her $2,069,084 and the other, an itty-bitty one-bedroom penthouse directly above, scooped another $4,950,000 from her deep pockets. Your Mama hears through the celebrity real estate gossip grapevine that Miss Aniston is also currently in contract to purchase a third one bedroom apartment in the building adjacent to the two million dollar one bedroom and listed with an asking price of $1,995,000.

The unlucky in love actress–who, quite frankly, seems far happier about her life than the tabs portray–has said in the past that a desire to simplify her life is part of the reason for her selling her big ol' Beverly Hills house and looking east. Of course it ain't none of our beeswax and certainly Miss Aniston could give a fat crap what we think about diddly squat but it just doesn't seem very damn simple to Your Mama for a person to spend nine or so million dollars for three wee apartments that will require many millions more and a couple of years to properly reconfigure and transform into a still modestly-scaled penthouse duplex outfitted and all did up proper for showbiz royalty.

Your Mama wonders where Miss Aniston with reside after she sells her house in Beverly Hills and before the completion of her new duplex in New York City. Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

29 comments:

Anonymous said...

Spill it Mama. She's in your guest room, isn't she?

Anonymous said...

So it looks like she is getting almost what she asked for. She was asking for $42 million, right? I guess that means that Ellen might not be so out there for what she is asking for and could get what she is asking for or just a little less.

lil' gay boy said...

Never did understand her meteoric rise in the post-Friends world; while obviously a beauty, and with middle-of-the-road acting skills, she has, nonetheless, at least attempted to hone her craft in a more or less serious way.

I suspect that she's really much shrewder than most, and an examination of the arc of her career seems to point to a future onstage, where celebrity alone cannot sustain ticket sales. All that post-Friends rom-com nonsense could easily be not so much paying her dues as filling the coffers for a serious stretch of low income, high profile work on the boards. Residuals pay the keeping-in-the-public-eye, celebrity lifestyle bills, the rest is all mad money.

I'm sure many armchair psychiatrists could have a field day with Ohana; a sly indictment of Brangelina & their extended family, no doubt? Splashing out on a spare-no-expense, just-sign-the-checks redo of hearth & home may be a pricey way of exorcising those demons of a broken heart, but it sure looks like a hell of a lot more fun than blubbering your eyes out on some musty smelling naugahyde sofa in a claustrophobic doctor's office, and leaves you with something a considerably more attractive than a pile of snotty Kleenex.

As far as "...the Russians are coming! The Russians are coming!" –––– well, ever since the Cuban Missile Crisis we've known that; but who'd have thought that they would buy their way in?

Anonymous said...

mama, you silly little thing. i'm guessin' she'll be holed up in her hwd hills home.

StPaulSnowman said...

It ain't over till the closing but it sure is fun to hear the scuttlebutt. I love the "you better act fast if you want this bargain" attitude. Nothing like 38 million to help Ms. Aniston airbrush her life. I thought "Ohana" was realespeak for "buyers remorse".....but I could be wrong.

Anonymous said...

The Buyer is a Billionaire Hedge-oFund guy from New York. Who can easily Pay $36,000,000 for a House. Especially when most of them Spend more than that Per Year just maintaining there Yachts!! They also spend more a Month on Private Jet FUEL than the $40,000 a month in Realty Taxes!! If a man with FORBES 400 Wealth wants a house they get it, whether its a Beach House in the Hamptons, or a Flat in London's Hyde Park or a Penthouse in Central Park they get it. It could be $20M or $100M, they get it!! And in terms of Jennifer Annistons house, these day's its nearly Impossible to find a Property with incredible Quality and amazing View's in Prime Beverly Hills, regardless of the Price. CL :)

Anonymous said...

Oh geez, enough about Jennifer Aniston already

Anonymous said...

Indeed, the West Village project seems like a veeeery long time line.

That's in addition to the fact that combinations rarely are that successful from a design point of view, as one always has to work around various structural limitations. Interested to see what her (surely) crack team comes up with -- if it ever gets to that point. I'm not all that confident it ever will.

Also she ends up with an apartment that cost-wise is way out of line for the building it's in. It's a lovely
Bing and Bing, to be sure, but it's basically full of apartments like the three she bought

Anonymous said...

Her acting skills are better than Gayboy indicates. She did a marvelous and subtle job in the ironic movie, The Good Girl. Almost perfect.

Anonymous said...

the entire New York project is insane beyond all my comprehension. If you are willing to spend 9 million you certainly have a choice of existing penthouses that have better floor plans and in better buildings. Seems like Ms. Anniston enjoys throwing away her money. Insanity!

Anonymous said...

Bitch should have bought this West Village place instead

http://streeteasy.com/nyc/sale/582827-condo-400-west-12th-street-west-village-new-york

Anonymous said...

And if anybody knows about
snotty, it's a little gay haughty.

Anonymous said...

Yes...there are still a handful of "GREATER FOOLS" left out there who can OVERPAY for real estate.Looks like Jen lucked out & found one.It's still not indicative of reality...nor for that matter of that rarified market segment.People with properties priced at that level & higher should'nt get their hopes up.The PRICE CHOPS will continue for years to come.

Trixie von Trott said...

Candy Schmelling must be positively bridal at the news that big ticket real estate is starting to shift again. Note: Ohana means "smell's nasty" in Swahili.

luke220 said...

A piece on 718 North Maple would be interesting since the house was featured on Million Dollar Decorators.

Over $1,400 per square foot- that was a good price.

Kudos to Mary M.

http://www.redfin.com/CA/Beverly-Hills/718-N-Maple-Dr-90210/home/6819637

Chris Soukoulis said...

Hi, As I was checking out blogs this morning all over the internet I came across yours, I have to tell you that I found it very interesting and well written !! Kudos to you I will check back often to see what you have to say next !!

Suri Cruise said...

I certainly hope that Anonymous whichever was being ironic herself when calling the dreary Miss Aniston's acting "marvelous and subtle." But I digress etc. Reportedly the West 12th Street apts (agreed--combinations usually wind up being a mess) are between 5th & 6th. Did anyone tell her about the guy who was murdered on May 10th in the Ardea, 31-33 West 12th? Please do--we don't want her mediocre wattage here.

Anonymous said...

Please be advised that repeated and consistent references to a Reagan-era comedy cherished by Republicans and aging Tea Party breeders nostalgic for their cocaine and Walkmans is becoming increasingly annoying.

Anonymous said...

As a replacement "Eighties phrase" in relation to the many homes displayed on this blog, may I suggest "got any cheese?"

Babe Parish said...

maybe aniston's prepping her penthouse situation for her golden years as the greta garbo of the friends set. either that, or she's trying to show off for that justin therroux guy. meh.

Anonymous said...

The buyers are an older couple from the States and its in escrow for 37 million. Apparently the wife just had to have it.

Anonymous said...

Gosh, I sometimes wonder what Jennifer Aniston has done to some of you. She's a lovely woman who happens to be a nice person with enough talent to make her a wealthy woman. What she does with her life and her money is her business.

So her house in Beverly Hills would never get anywhere near it's asking price of $42M? Wrong answer. So she is just crazy to buy up three apartments in NYC and then combine them to one? Maybe wrong for you, but not wrong for her. She obviously liked the properties after looking for a long time, had the money to buy them, and model them to suit her style of living.

Finally, give this woman a rest with this Brad, his partner, and their half-dozen bad kids thing. They have been divorced what five, six years? Both parties have long moved on in their own way just like other couples who do every single day.

Anonymous said...

Dear Anon 8:45am,

try not to take this website seriously. it's a lot more fun than putting sticks in your bung like the one you need to remove. thank you.

midTN said...

Hmmmmmmm...

...the quality of this comment section is going down the toilet......and fast!

Bev Mo said...

...real fast down the terliting facility

StPaulSnowman said...

The quality of the comments section is clearly linked to the stock market. In the good old days, these properties were selling like hotcakes...........even flipping like hotcakes. Mama had so much material to work with that several posts were common in a single day. God bless the old girl, she selflessly sacrificed her private life to keep the chillun' sated. With the slow down, we have enjoyed fewer, but longer and more detailed witty posts. These inevitably turn comments toward more philosophical considerations of the rich and famous and their houses. Why, I haven't read a single venomous Tom Cruise comment for ages. Those were the days, my friends.....

Little Miss Smoke and Mirrors said...

http://www.redfin.com/CA/Beverly-Hills/1004-N-Hillcrest-Rd-90210/home/6835203

It's finally on Redfin, 30+ pictures.

Anonymous said...

I am just surprised she would get this price ...WITH A SHARED DRIVEWAY??? but , I was also always shocked when people started paying millions to live in sierra towers and ride up in the elevator with strangers and WOOSH get out and have to smell those horrible cooking odors coming from the various condos with 7 or 8 inch ceilings... a few years ago even at $250,000 and $500,000 with a view of ocean... I still did not want one....also its such a tempting jihad target, looks alot like the federal building, and those guys rushing to get to their 20 virgins just might make that mistake....and there was an old playmate who used to try suicide once every few months living there and pass out smoking,just takes one wacko to bring that whole place down.

Jo said...

I think most people would agree that Jennfer Aniston pretty much buy houses and completely remodels them. I don't blame her because if one is living in the space, then it must match the taste acquired.