Friday, April 16, 2010

David Krumholtz Lists His Krib (and Buys Another)

SELLER: David Krumholtz
LOCATION: Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $1,499,000
SIZE: 2,013 square feet, 3 bedrooms 3 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Your Mama recently received a covert communique from our pal Anna Conda who pointed Your Mama to a listing in the Larchmont Village are of Los Angeles owned by actor David Krumholtz and currently listed at $1,499,000.

Although not a household name or a tabloid fixture, thirty something year old Mister Krumholtz has been floating around Tinseltown for quite some time. After a number of false starts in the early and mid 1990s on television programs and movies Your Mama has never seen nor heard, he finally got a break and appeared as a teenage Lothario in 1997s The Ice Storm. In more recent times, Mister Krumholtz was seen in a 13 episode season of the defunct The Trouble With Normal, a short arc on ER, Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle and Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay, both, Your Mama is certain, cinematic gems. In 2005 Mister Krumholtz's professional ship finally pulled in with his current gig, a leading role as a crime solving mathematical wizard on Numb3rs.

When Your Mama first saw this listing a few days ago on the Redfin, it was marked "Under Contract." Unfortunately for Mister Krumholtz who has already snatched up new digs, today the deal must have died because the property is market back on the open market.

Property records show that when Mister Krumholtz purchased the English cottage style property in April of 2006 he paid $1,715,000. Poor Mister Krumholtz, he's yet another celebrity who has run out of real estate luck. (Can you say Scarlett Johansson?) See puppies, Mister Krumholtz purchased his house–located walking distance to the desirable Larchmont Village downtown district–near the tippy top of a once electric Los Angeles real estate market in a neighborhood that saw prices climb at a ridiculously rapid rate during the great real estate frenzy of the mid 2000s.

The quaint cottage, first listed in January of 2010 at $1,699,000, has already endured two $100,000 price chops. Due to the recent dive and steep downward direction of the real estate market in LaLa Land, Mister Krumholtz faces a not insignificant loss of a few hundred thousand dollars when he finally sells the house. A couple quick flicks of the beads on our bejeweled abacus shows that even if Mister Krumholtz and his real estate people are blessed with a real estate mitzvah in the form of a full price sale he's still looking at a loss of nearly $300,000 once all is said and done and the fat fees paid.

A curving brick pathway crosses the front yard leading to a porch furnished with couple of rocking Adirondack chairs and a fire engine red front door that acts as a beacon for even the most boozy and blurry eyed. Come to the light Carol Ann! Come to the light! Listing information indicates the house measures 2,013 square feet and includes 3 bedrooms and 3 poopers. One of the bedrooms, an azure colored affair with honey colored hardwood floors and a set of side-lighted French doors that open to the terrace that surrounds the swimming pool, has been did up with some David Hicks style printed fabric curtains and, horror of all horrors, a stuffed teddy bear sitting on the bed.

Now listen up children because Your Mama is about to impart some important, sage and unsolicited advice here. Your Mama's decorating Rule No. 5 emphatically declares that "Stuffed animals are not to be used as day-core except for children under 10. Maybe twelve if the child is an immature 12."

Additionally, Your Mama's Decorating Rule #5a maintains that "No man old enough to have hair up in his armpits should have a teddy bear or any other kind of stuffed animal propped up on his bed or anywhere else in his house for that matter. It's downright creepy. Period. End of story."

The same goes for gurls. Your Mama's Decorating Rule #5b states that "When Aunt Flo starts coming around for her monthly visit it's high time to round up all the stuffed animals and pack them away in the attic or basement. Better yet, donate them to an organization that provides toys, games and stuffed animals to children whose families don't have the means to buy them."

Lest anyone question Your Mama's decorative opinions...Does anyone really want to walk into the home of a grown person–maybe even someone yer wanting to get bizzy with–and find this, this, this, or–brace yourself celery sticks–this? We think not.

Anyhoo, we digress. The living room of Mister Krumholtz's cottage has honey colored hardwood floors, a lovey barrel vaulted ceiling, fireplace and French doors with a fan light that open to let the breeze blow gently through the house. The hardwood floors continue into the dining room where a deep dusty rose color punishes the walls and a set of dining room chairs appear to be covered in an old-fashioned embroidered fabric. Seriously chickens, this room looks like Mister Krumholtz asked an elderly grandmother to come over and do up the dining room. Not a good look for young man.

The kitchen looks to be fairly recently renovated with caramel colored raised panel cabinetry, beige tiled floors, sand colored granite counter tops, Viking brand appliances and, even more psychically perplexing than the two totally fuh-reekee-bar stool style breakfast chairs covered in caca colored leather, a pot rack that looms menacingly over the cook top. Your Mama doesn't need to go into the malevolence and danger of pot racks, do we? At least one of the three renovated poopers retains the original charm of the 1923 cottage with white subway tiles and black accents, a pedestal sink flanked by built in cabinetry and a large, modern minded glass enclosed shower. We could do without the murky asparagus color on the walls, but that's easily fixed.

Considering the uninspired interior day-core, the back of Mister Krumholtz's house displays unexpected verve and remarkable moxie. While not fond of the Frontgate-ish furniture, Your Mama rather cottons to the bold fire engine red French doors that mimic the color of the front door, the black shutters (that appear to only close over the side lights), and the graphic black and white striped awnings that, like glitter in lip gloss, add that final bit of decorative chutzpah. At the flip of a switch, the classic California blue color of the free form swimming pool and attached circular spa turns a glowing shade of eggplant, a bit of drama Your Mama could do without. The backyard also, according to listing information, is outfitted with an outdoor fireplace and built-in barbecue.

Your Mama feels we've been a bit hard on Mister Krumholtz's house so in the interest of being fair, we feel we must say that we don't actually think this is a bad house. It's cute in that white picket fence sort of way if you like white picket fence charm and there are some perfectly lovely features such as the barrel vaulted ceiling in the living room, the heated floors in 2 of the 3 bathrooms, the rare in an older cottage easy flow of the inside of the house to the outside and, natch, the even-steven bedroom to pooper ratio. It just needs a nice, gay decorator to get up in there to work some magic.

Mister Krumholtz, according to property records, has already decamped for a slightly more celebrity style property in the Laurel Canyon area of Los Angeles that he purchased in early February (2010) for $2,025,000. At 4,149 square feet, Mister Krumholtz's new crib, more than twice the size of the Larchmont Village cottage he's trying to unload, has 5 bedrooms, 4 poopers, a double height carved wood ceiling in the living room and a slew of high end appliances in the gore-may kitchen. Your Mama might describe the stinky melange of Mister Krumholtz's new house as a castle that married a Spanish-y/mock Mediterranean and then brought in a Mansard roof line in an entirely unexpected and unfortunate act of architectural polygamy.

For the sake of his pocketbook, Your Mama wishes Mister Krumholtz luck and good fortune getting his house sold and a price that does not break his bank.

source: Redfin / Mark Leonard, MDL Realty

9 comments:

Jacaranda Johnson, GRI said...

My pet chimp (the one with the real estate license) just threw up his banana daiquiri after seeing those awful pictures. Of course it sold, so I calmed Bobo down and bought him a carton of those disposable cameras for his future listings! BTW, my verification word was "pingra". Is that nasty in Spanish?

Anonymous said...

Mama,
I definately could have done without seeing the naked beanie baby photo! *shivers* I'm going to spend a lot of time tonight trying to drink that out of my head.

I don't think it's a bad house - a little boring. I too thought that the dining room looked a little Grandma-ish.

Have a beautious weekend Mama!

Carla Ridge said...

Mama, I hope you'll consider adding another to your list of decorating do's and dont's (under the 'DON'T! heading, natch): No Blue Lagoon style tropical pools with English Country Cottage, please.

You want prim, fine, you can have the cottage. Ya want sexy, fine: go all free-form au naturel in the landscaping. But unless one is specifically going for the subcontinental submissive/ Colonial conquering master/noble savage thing, the two Just. Don't. Play well together.

Anonymous said...

In contrast to Mama's opinion the dining room is the only room shown that I can like at all. And re those stuffed animals: now, Mama, wouldn't you make an exception for, say, a humongous giraffe or scary spider doll if it dominated, wittily, the sitting room or maybe a bedroom? A "conversation piece" (if you will) to spice up an otherwise very drab house.

Fanny @ Inman News said...

Love your take on entertainment news for the real estate industry!

Madam Pince said...

That bathroom nearly makes me vomit my bourbon & ginger ale. Who the hell flanks a pedestal sink with cabinetry?!?

Mama, I must admit one digression from your decorating rules. My lovely four-year-old granddaughter has a special child-sized wicker chair here at the Chihuahua Ranch for her visits, and she put one of her dolls in it to hold her place while she's absent. I'm not about to mess with that. Otherwise, I'm totally in sync with your stuffed animal rules.

Billy said...

Numb3rs is at best on the bubble, and has been for months. Best of luck to Mr. Krumholtz.

MarkyMark said...

Seeing as how IMDb lists his height at an optimistic 5'6", I'm wondering how he even reached that sky-high kitchen pot rack; maybe he climbed up on one of those bar stools?

Anonymous said...

...I'm still getting over the fact that the guy who had a penis drawn on his face in "10 Things I Hate About You" can afford any of this...