Friday, November 13, 2009

Jonathan Antin Lists Toluca Lake Ranch House

SELLER: Jonathan Antin
LOCATION: 10049 Toluca Lake Avenue, Toluca Lake, CA
PRICE: $1,999,000
SIZE: 2,859 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 2.75 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Single story home in the coveted heart of Toluca Lake near Lakeside Golf Club offers a polished interior in a tranquil setting. An automatice gate opens to a circular driveway enhanced with an ecogrid patterning. Wood floors and expansive molding accents are constant throughout the living and formal dining areas and highlighted by well planned directional recessed lighting. A guest room and full bathroom are located on one side of the home with the remaining bedrooms and the master suite located on the opposite side of the home down a common hallway....

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Let's all get into Your Mama's gin and tonic fueled time machine and go way back to March of 2007 when we dished and discussed a Bird Street bachelor pad high above Tinseltown's Sunset Strip being sold by Jonathan Antin. Mister Antin is, of course, the L.A. based celebrity beyootishun with the chisel chin and smoldering, come hither eyes who has toiled over the tresses of divas like Madonna, Margaret Cho, Rod Stewart and Ricky Martin.

A few months later, in May of 2007, we heard from our informant John Doe who tattled that the comely coiffeur and his baby momma turned wifey Sescie were hightailing it out of the Hollywood Hills for the more family friendly 'hood of Toluca Lake. Property records do indeed reveal that in April of 2007 Mister and Missus Antin paid $1,980,000 for a single story house on Toluca Lake Avenue that sits right up next door to the beast built and occupied by original Beverly Hills 90210 star Jennie Garth and her actor huzband Peter Facinelli who not only plays a boobie grabbing doctor on the fab Showtime program Nurse Jackie but also plays a doctor in the uber-successful vampire film phenomena that is Twilight. Mister Antin, who makes Foneesha–the gal who works the hair washing station at the salon where Your Mama's locks get worked–go wild with desire, is no stranger to appearing on the boob-toob. Not only did he star in Bravo TV reality program Blow Out, he pushes his own hair car product line on the QVC.

Your Mama was sitting around the other morning chomping saltines in order to soak up the booze and we received an unexpected and covert communique from a Toluca Lake resident we'll call Gladiss Kravitz, who should not to be confused with Gladys Kravitz from Bewitched. Our Missus Kravitz conspiratorially whispered in Your Mama's big ear that after only owning the house for just 2.5 years, Mister and Missus Antin have listed their Toluca Lake property with an asking price $1,999,000. A few flicks of the well worn beads on Your Mama's bejeweled abacus shows that Mister Antin is neither just a pretty face nor a hair-brained hairdresser because he rather wisely priced his house just $19,000 more than he paid for the place 2.5 years ago when the real estate market in Los Angeles was still raging like a wildfire out of control. We're not saying the Antins will get $19,000 more than they paid, but at least they didn't up-price their property a million bucks over what they paid for it at the tippy-top of the real estate bubble like so many other rich and famous people have been doing.

Of course, Your Mama don't know a cup of coffee from a dump truck but it looks to us like the Mister and Missus Antin may have already moved from this house. Or maybe the Staging Lady in a Pink Toyota has already been up in the house clearing out all their personal effects? Or maybe the couple and their two young children simply don't like their house cluttered up with a bunch of knick-knacks and paddy-whacks? Whatever the case, listing information indicates the barely decorated, single story, hip roof ranch measures 2,859 square feet and includes 4 bedrooms and 2.75 poopers. An automatic gate opens to a large circular drive with a cross-hatched pattern of concrete squares and grass strips that listing information calls an "ecogrid."

The front foyer leads to the living room which has hardwood floors, a corner fireplace, a wall mounted flat screen tee-vee, French doors that open to the back yard, and a bunch of furniture that looks like it was ordered out one of those Pottery Barn catalogs that get delivered to Your Mama's house every damn day. While there's really nothing special about this room that we can see, we do like the blue and lighter blue striped rug and imagine it might look mighty fine in our upstairs office. The wood floors continue into the dining room which has corner windows covered by plantation shutters, more French doors and one of those unfortunate candle chandeliers hanging over the farmhouse table. Listen children, we know these candle things probably give off nice and romantic light, and we would certainly never recommend a klieg-like lighting solution for a dining room, but the five puny candles that make up this paltry chandelier probably wouldn't light up a damn closet let alone provide enough light in the damn dining room to see what you're putting in your mouth.

The eat-in kitchen is all country style with knotty pine cabinetry, a cross-hatch pattern tile floor with wood inlay that unhappily mirrors the "ecogrid" on the driveway, and eggshell-colored tile counter tops with a very upsetting flowery detail on the edge. Listing information indicates the appliances are all high grade, that there is a prep sink, a pantry, a separate office area/work station, and an indoor grilling hearth because, you know, it's not so easy to barbecue outside with all the inclement weather in Los Angeles. The children will note that the dishwasher has been raised up so that Cho-Cho the dish dude won't bust up his back bending over while loading and unloading the fine china.

According to listing information, there is a guest bedroom and pooper on one side of the house and the home's other three bedrooms are located on the other. The master bedroom appears to have chocolate brown carpeting which might be good for hiding dirt and doggy doo stains, but otherwise Your Mama can't see any sufficient reason for installing chocolate brown wall to wall carpeting. Overall Your Mama does not care for the lackluster day-core in the Antin house, but we are coveting that pair of wood benches at the foot of the bed. The master pooper is home to about 49 different types and colors of tile and a commodious shower that listing information says has a "plethora of shower heads" which is a lovely feature if you like to have your choo-choo sprayed clean at the same time you're washing your hair.

Several sets of French doors and French door-like sliding doors open to a covered brick terrace that runs along the backside of the house. Listing information indicates the flat and grassy backyard is "thoughtfully landscaped," and while large enough, does not currently have a swimming pool. It does, however, have a dog run, which is nice if you have dogs but not so much if you don't.

In addition to Jenny Garth and Peter Facinelli, the Antin's nearby neighbors also include High School Musical's Ashley Tisdale and former Baywatch babe Brooke Burns who was once married to not afraid to bare his booty on national tee-vee Nip/Tuck hottie Julian McMahon.

24 comments:

Grrrowler said...

This looks very much like the house I grew up in...in Tulsa, OK. It's also about the same size, but I guarantee you my parents didn't pay anywhere near $1.99 million, or the equivalent of back in the day. In a word, this house is boring.

Madam Pince said...

That bathroom counter -- what a nightmare! I don't care if the tile is the most precious & expensive available, I hate tiled countertops. And that hideous green stands out like a pig at a nightclub. Dear Jeezus, Mama, it's horrible! I agree with you that their pricing strategy is quite smart, but don't you think they could have updated that damned countertop? It wouldn't cost $19K, that's for sure.

Anonymous said...

Mama, I thought it was funny you included Ricky Martin in the diva category. But Rod Stewart---not so much. I think the appropriate term for him is octogenarian. My verification words are "La Vida Loca."

MarkyMark said...

I can just picture him shedding a few man-tears on his way out the door for the last time.

Anonymous said...

Yawn, where's the minivan in the driveway?

Karen said...

Mama, I just ordered the exact same candle chandelier for my modest dining room and you ruined it for me. Now what?

Chris said...

Uninteresting. Waste of time.

The Preppy Pauper said...

Good lord 2mil buys you a whole lot of ordinary on the Left coast. The knotty pine is very 80s barf inducing. Pass

Anonymous said...

Just my humble opinion; hopefully I am wrong, but sadly I smell money trouble and/or divorce.

Viva! said...

So a few things...

1) I thought Antin was gay and I mean that in the least stereotypical 'gay hairdresser' sort of way. His show on Bravo was great and I like the man, but yeah, stunned he has a wife.

2) I agree with Anonymous 8:53, money trouble or divorce. Or both.

3) The bathroom with it's countertop of many colours is vile.

4) The dining room is very cramped.

5) The kitchen is a total hideousity!

6) The master, aside from the brown carpet, is nice and looks comfy.

7) The backyard is SCREAMING for a pool. Why oh why do million dollar houses not have pools in Southern California.

Overall, just so un-fabulous I can't stand it.

RSFTrader said...

2 million... LMAO

I can't even see myself spending 500k on this house.

Anonymous said...

Someone might be shaving off his beard!

Anonymous said...

I think it's become pretty obvious that Mama don't work on weekends no mo.

Anonymous said...

Y'all need to quit hatin' on Mama because of her spellin'. You children gots to understand it's part of her mystique and her gin-and-tonic induced sense of humor. I hope she slaps your collective booty with the large wooden spoon she keeps hidden in her apron pocket!

Anonymous said...

You'd be lucky to get $ 500,000 for this in most parts of Australia.
It's SO boring!

Anonymous said...

Tract house in a desirable location. I hate to say it but I think they'll be lucky to get $1.7.

Kiwi said...

I don't think this house is that bad, it's decorated fairly nice. Except for the kitchen. It needs to be totally overhauled. Overall it's really just an average house, not really unique or special... Oh and I don't think the candle chandelier is THAT bad. :) I am 99 percent sure that it's the Veranda Linear Chandelier from Pottery Barn that's currently $329.00 on their website.

COCOCOZY said...

I don't like the kitchen. :-(

Anonymous said...

this house is not worth more 450,000 at the most get a clue take it off the market its junk id rather live in a tent and put my money in a safedeposit box this guy dosen"t have a clue this is a joke of a property if you want 1,999,000 you need to put another million into it

Anonymous said...

Wait he's married? I'm a gay man and watched his show on Bravo and always just assumed he was on
my team. Stunned!

Anonymous said...

Antin is selling his house because he's broke and getting a divorce. No, he's not gay - just LA metrosexual.

His flagship salon that he's had for years went belly up a year ago because he couldn't pay his bills. Told his employees days before the doors shut. Their checks bounced, etc. Now he's doing celebrity hair at $300 a pop (yea, how many of those are there?) and pathetic guest appearances on the Today Show and other boring TV shows.

Anonymous said...

For those of you who don't think this home is worth over a million - it's LA and 3000 sq ft. That's a ton of space for a home in LA. Also, the home is in the same area as Bob Hope's former estate and a stone's throw from Warner Brothers and Universal Studios.

digitalportraits said...

I wonder if he's going to try to convince these people that the house is heterosexual, too. LOL

cut u up said...

First off, I love how you people say you know about him and you watched his show, ect. If you did you couldn't even hint at him being gay. The fucking guy met his wife while doing the show... it was a part of the story line. As far as the house is concerned, you'd be surprised how reasonable the price is for the square footage and especially the location. So just shut up if you don't know your facts.