Saturday, January 13, 2007

Real Estate Pornography VI

SELLER: Lilly Lawrence
LOCATION: Malibu Crest Drive, Malibu, California
PRICE: $17,000,000
SIZE: 2.5 acres, 6,256 square feet, 6 bedrooms, 8 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Malibu landmark property for only the truly unique! Entertainer's paradise with views from every direction. "The Castle" sits on a knoll adjacent to the Serra Retreat overlooking Malibu Colony and Surfer's Point. Spectacular in every way!!!

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Oh lahwd children, we know what you're thinking, 'cause at first we were thinking it too: "What devil would put a Medieval mess like this up in the bosom of magnificent Malee-boo?" When we first came across this listing Your Mama was thinking this was all some sort of mistake, a hoax, or maybe an abandoned set for one of those terrible Brad Pitt period pictures.

So we got on the horn and we called up the listing agent, who happens to be the incomparable, ebullient Scotty Brown of Coldwell Banker in Malibu. Y'all may remember the smooth-pate and horn rimmed glasses of Mr. Brown from the Bravo's Million Dollar Listing. Or perhaps you caught him on World of Wonder's hi-larious Ring My Bell program. Or maybe you remember him back in the day when he was a nightclub owner, before he became the BMW driving real estate bigwig he is today.

"The Castle," sits just up the hill from the ultra-exclusive, gated Malibu Colony and in the same neck of the woods as Britney Spears' house of marital horrors. The estate occupies some of Malibu's choicest real estate covering 2.5 acres of hilltop with 360 degree views.

When originally built in the late 1970's by a Dr. Thomas Hodges, all sorts of neighbors had conniption fits the likes of which only the rich can have. These freaked out folks pressed local government for rules and commissions that would forbid this sort of residence to be built again. Now children let's be honest, after the good doctor built this house, how many Malee-booans do you think were clamoring to build one just like it? Please.

The current owner, who purchased the property in 1998, is Lilly Lawrence, daughter of a former oil minister of Iran. The property has been named "Castle Kashan" and it is available to rent for weddings and events. Have you ever wanted to host a jousting competition in the drive court and then have your guests sit down to a gluttonous feast of roasted pig and mead wine? Here's the place to do it.

Anyhoo, Ms. Lawrence is known as a world renown beauty, philanthropist and a lovable, eccentric gal about town. When Your Mama contacted listing agent Scotty Brown he told us this lady "is awesome" and she loves "Elvis, Scarface, and Scotty Brown." She also has a penchant for cars like this and this.

At first glance, we were sure this house needed to be torn down and replaced with something more respectable. However, the more we thought about it the less we could justify that sort of drastic action. See, Your Mama just loves folks who are 100% committed to their own eccentricities. And hunnies, the cold hard truth is anyone crazy enough to build, buy and live in a house like this smack in the middle of Malibu is probably someone Your Mama would want to have to dinner with. In light of that, we've come around and decided we LOVE this place.

No children, Your Mama wouldn't want to live here surrounded by turrets and barbicons, living out some King Arthur fantasy. But somebody very interesting will. We're thinking a rock star. Maybe someone like that Amy Lee singer-gal from Evanescence. Give 'er a call Scotty.

Sources: Coldwell Banker, Scotty Brown, herecomestheguide.com, Malibu Castle Kashan

10 comments:

Voodoo Child said...

Dearest Madre,

I was thinking it is screaming for a modern day remake of the Martin Lawrence flick Black Knight, or at the very least a BET rumpshaker video ;-)

I love your site, keep up the good work, darling!

Anonymous said...

let's face it there's only one thing to do in a house like that, get high. sit on that fringed green couch, pull out the hookah and get s-t-o-n-e-d. Axl Rose, anyone?

reminds me of that song by george harrison, Crackerbox Palace.

perhaps David Hasselhoff could be part of the Black Night remake? or maybe John Travolta could rent it in order to schtup the stableboys in secret and not worry 'bout the toupee falling into disarray.

- james brolin (gotta go, barb's up and i need to get the coffee on)

Anonymous said...

I remember this Castle being featured in some cheesy but great 70's TV show that I used to love like Rockford Files, Chips, etc. In the episode it was Rich Little's home and it was here that he masterminded all kinds of evil doing.

I could be wrong. But I think I'm right. Love the site BTW. Cheers from my silver Lake shit box!!!

Anonymous said...

this 'house' sold for only $2,800,028 on 9/4/1998 according to PropertyShark.com

http://www.propertyshark.com/mason/california/Reports/showsection.html?propkey=16590892

Not a bad return if it moves.

Anonymous said...

http://www.propertyshark.com/mason/california/Reports/showsection.html?propkey=16590892

Gary Thomas said...

I was watching tv earlier today and read that the castle had burned. http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21405632/

I guess the insurance company will get to decide if the castle was worth the $17 asking price.

Anonymous said...

The land is worth $17Mil in todays market, not the Castle.... Sad to see it gone....

Anonymous said...

I was worried that it might have contained art treasures. What a relief to know the onwer's taste in priceless art didn't extend further than "Elvis shrine." No original Monet's, Van Gogh's or Picassos. And it's not as though it was a real castle.

Agent #777 said...

My memory may be way off, but wasn't that the house in Hostage?

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0340163/

Anonymous said...

As someone who has been inside this castle, I am sorry to see it go.