Thursday, February 7, 2013

Barbie® Lists Malibu Dreamhouse®

SELLER: Barbie®
LOCATION: Malibu, CA
PRICE: $25,000,000
SIZE: 8,500-plus square feet, 1 bedroom, 1 bathroom

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: A little birdie chirped to Your Mama earlier this week that Barbie®, the world's most famous and anatomically impossible doll, has put her internationally renowned Malibu Dreamhouse® on the market exclusively through Trulia with a dolltastic $25,000,000 price tag. That's right, children, Barbie® is selling up in The Bu.

Naturally, Barbie® chose an equally polished, tan and successful Realtor to help her unload her big, pink beach house Dreamhouse®: The dapper Million Dollar Listing star Josh Altman of the real estate brokerage powerhouse Hilton & Hyland.

Marketing materials Your Mama received via covert communique from the hardworking assistant to a superstar PR diva with whom we're friendly indicates Barbie's® Malibu bachelorette pad sits on an unusually roomy for Malibu 23,456 square foot lot with 150 feet of prime beach frontage. The towering, tri-level residence—generously described as "Contemporary Glam" in listing details—measures in at more than 8,500 square feet but includes just one bedroom and one bathroom. Guess that means when Skipper, Todd or Tutti come to town they have to curl up on the love seat or shack up in a motel.

The townhouse-like street-side, facade is, of course, all hot pink faux brick with flower petal shaped arched windows and flower boxes. The front door is tucked around the side and opens directly into an open-concept ground floor living/dining/kitchen area. Listing information indicates the moldings are pink, the hardwood floors are a custom-tinted Pantone® 219C and the ceilings are "voluminous," a damn good thing since Barbie® is significantly taller than the average human being.

The adjoining kitchen area is quite compact for an 8,500-ish square foot house. It's a kitchenette, really, but that makes sense. Just look at Barbie® and her itty-bitty waist. That gal can't eat more than a spoonful of yogurt a couple times a week and maintain a figure link that. Anyhoo, listing information shows the pink Poliform-brand kitchen has cotton candy pink cabinetry, hot pink granite counter tops and all the necessary appliances an ever-young and curvaceous but pin-thin doll could ever need.

There does not appear to be a staircase, which means access to the upper two floors is only via the tiny elevator that's wrapped in filigreed detailing that depicts the famous home owner's pony tailed profile. The elevator lifts by way of a pulley system to a cozy second floor sitting room outfitted with a sky blue tile floor, a pink crystal chandelier, a tufted Victorian settee—in hot pink, natch—and a flat screen t.v. surmounted over a self-crackling fireplace.

Listing information reveals Barbie's® lone bathroom, located just off and open to the second floor sitting room, has a single pedestal sink, radiant heat flooring and a stand-up corner steam shower with a glass door that, like the elevator, is imprinted with Barbie's® pony tailed profile.

The penthouse level master bedroom doesn't have an attached private bathroom—for that Barbie® must hustle her tiny hiney into the elevator and head downstairs—but it does have a fabric draped canopy bed and a fitted closet for all her bikinis, handbags and her high-heeled beach sandals. The bedroom opens up to a small terrace girdled with an ornately scrolled railing and has a sexy-sexy hot tub for two and multi-million dollar Queen's Necklace to Point Dume views.

We're not really sure what sort of—ahem—doll might want to buy Barbie's® beach side Dreamhouse® but Your Mama thinks Mister Altman may want to reach out to some of those goulish and increasingly popular Monster High dolls like, say, Cleo de Nile™ or Venus McFlyTrap™who would surely Goth the place up with cobwebs, crucifixes and scads of candelabras.

Your Mama doesn't have any specific intel on Barbie's® future real estate plans in Malibu but could she finally be fixin' to trade up into the glassy, gorgeous and über contemporary, five-level spread that won the 2011 AIA Barbie® Dreamhouse® Design Competition? Let's hope so.

NOTE: This is for entertainment purposes only. This is not descriptive of the actual Barbie® Dreamhouse® Toy.

Photos: Mattel, Inc. via Hilton & Hyland via Trulia

38 comments:

Anonymous said...

Well, Mama's been hitting the booze early today!

Anonymous said...

Luv it!! Tee hee!!

Anonymous said...

Really Mama??? What the fuck?

J D C said...
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Anonymous said...

I went to the opening of the malibu house by Johnathon Adler. I can not image its stayed the same from several years ago. Being from the East Coast I don't understand living on a Highway for views of the beach.

Anonymous said...

LMAO

Anonymous said...

Heard a rumor that Larry Ellison was scheduled for a showing but declined after being told he'd have to wear nothing but a pink tutu on the premises at all times.

Anonymous said...

Has April Fools Day come early?

Anonymous said...

Hahahaha!!!
This was in the new York times, or maybe wsj, last week.
It's a marketing campaign for the new barbie house coming out before Christmas 2013

Anonymous said...

I'll be passing on it. I hear it's a tear down.

Petra's said...

Mama, I stole your wooden spoon and I'm not afraid to use it on you.

lil' gay boy said...

Now, now, Petra, give it back -- only Mama gets to wield the spoon.

Although pink is, like Shelby Eatenton Latcherie, my signature color, I fear I must pass on this one unless another broker picks it up; I would not buy a vowel from that quintessential sleazebag Josh.

;-)

Anonymous said...

LGB you are trying to hi jack this blog from Mama, or are you Mama hmmmm. Your hysterical. So you dont like Pee Wee Altman we children may assume?

Anonymous said...

I'm so confused on WTF this post is suppose to be.

lil' gay boy said...

"LGB you are trying to hi jack this blog from Mama, or are you Mama hmmmm. Your hysterical. So you dont like Pee Wee Altman we children may assume?"

Hijack? Never. As one of Mama's eldest, it behooves me to see to it the littlest ones don't do anything rash (like filching Mama's wooden spoon, Petra).

As for Pee Wee the RE, he strikes me as the type of person a cannibal would discretely spit into his napkin...

;-)

Rosco Mare said...

Mama Dearest, I've heard that Barbie is about to close on the Elton John House in Trousdale - The color palette sealed the deal.

Carla Ridge, have you heard anything?

Anonymous said...

Bitch got the place like every other plastic ho in the Bu... Flat on her back!

Desert Donna said...

I hard Mr. Ellison has this under contract already for 10M over asking.

Anonymous said...

YOU MOTHERFUCKER (OR SHOULD I SAY MAMAFUCKER) I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS THE TRASH YOU POST!!!!!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!??!?!?!! MY HEAD JUST EXPLODED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...


Mama:

The Rabbi wishes to discretely inquire if Barbie's highly important furniture is separately available for sale, including especially the Thomas Chippendale camelback sofa from Philadelphia, the button-tufted Victorian horsehair settee from New York, and the ever-so-romantic lit a la Polonaise?

Hopefully holding her breath,
Rabbi Hadassah LaCasa
Shmulie's Antique Emporium

Anonymous said...

*Brenda from Scary Movie voice*: HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND???!!!!!??!!?????

Anonymous said...

This is retarded. Fuck you for wasting our time with this drivel. Another former loyal reader signing off.

Nanda said...

I never comment on this blog... this is brilliant!

Anonymous said...

Barbie has no doubt squandered her inheritance on innumerable designer handbags, shoes and hats, not to mention profligate spending on an extensive and mostly unnecessary wardrobe, and is now being forced to market her heavily-mortgaged Malibu property prior to forclosure. We sincerely hope that Barbie at the least breaks even following the transaction.

Verandah and Patti

Rosco Mare said...

Be careful with the cash flow, Barbie gurl, or you might one day be the next Angelyne...

wrldtrvlr said...

I heard she's a hoarder; these interior shots are from her pre animal hoarding days....

DC Guy said...

Mama, this is awesome! Love your snark.

Anonymous said...

I never post either but this one is funny and right on point. Plus, it led to the AIA competition page. Thanks!

Anonymous said...

Larry Ellison is her $ugar daddy, duh!
But she's grown tired of him and so she's blackmailing him with a sex tape and moving on up.
Malibu is so cliche anyways, she's ready for the platinum triangle.
Barbies Beverly Park Dream House
A pink chateau by Richard Landry

Anonymous said...


Perfect for all the plastic whores
of Los Angeles....

Anonymous said...

Ha Ha Ha, this was hilarious. Now watch someone go out there and build a life size Barbie Malibu Beach house in Malibu. In fact I am kind of surprised no one has done it yet.

Anonymous said...

@8:38 they sorta did already. Jonothan Adler decorated a house on carbon beach a few years ago

lil' gay boy said...

"A pink chateau by Richard Landry."

Excuse me whilst I unswallow...why would you do that to one of your siblings?

;-)

...I cannot think of a more sickening combination -- outsized, badly scaled and pink?

Eww.

Anonymous said...

Posters 2/7 2:23, 2:38, 2:57 & 5:11, you ROCK!

To those with no sense of humor, GET ONE!!!

Anonymous said...

Haha @Lil Gay Boy,
You crazy!
But all I'm saying is that it'll look very much like Faye Resnick redecorated Lisa Vanderpumps house in BP for Paris Hilton.

Dharmendra Kumar said...
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Terrazzo Resurfacing said...
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Anonymous said...

Oops slipped on a banana skin taking out of the car, it's all broke...