Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Mister Carrie Prejean Kyle Boller Lists Bachelor Pad

SELLER: Kyle Boller (and Carrie Prejean)
LOCATION: Del Mar, CA
PRICE: $3,499,000
SIZE: 4,322 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Oh, low-erd children, it's been like a damn inferno out here in California the last couple of days and Your Mama has done stroked out due to the heat. We are sapped, tapped and flat on our fat back with an IV of gin & tonics drip drip dripping boozy bleariness into our veins. Even though we're on a bit of a vacay and we feel like we're about 12 minutes from expiring from the damn heat, we know The Children get hungry for a celebrity real estate tidbit. Besides we can't leave y'all starving for too long because every time we do y'all start acting like heathens and hooligans in need of a beat down with the wooden spoon. Okay?

Late last night, we received a communique from the bizzy boys over at Celebrity Address Aerial who whispered in Your Mama's ear that professional pigskinner Kyle Boller, who recently hitched himself to disgraced and deposed First Runner-up of the Miss USA 2009 pageant Carrie Prejean, listed his bachelor pad in the hills of Del Mar, CA with an asking price of $3,499,000.

Since Your Mama knows about as much about professional football as we do about what it takes to split an atom we called our ball crazy b.f.f. Fiona Trambeau who immediately started to hoot, hiss, and holler about all the lewd and unnatural acts she'd like perform on this Mister Boller. According to the frequently inebriated and always vulgar Miz Trambeau, Mister Boller formerly ran around in tight pants for the Baltimore Ravens and in April of 2010 signed on with the Oakland Raiders where he'll play the quarterback position.

Mister Boller's new bride, California blondie Carrie Prejean, has a reputation that most certainly precedes her. During her interview at the Miss USA 2009 pageant she was thrown a bit of a curve ball question about gay marriage by gossip queen Perez Hilton. Her answer, that marriage ought to be only between a man and a woman, created a fire storm of controversy that played itself out in all the gossip glossies and television talk shows. After much squabbling and public cat fighting with the pageant people Miss Prejean was stripped of both her Miss California and First Runner-up Miss USA titles. She went around stomping her feet and whining about how her crown was snatched from her head and the sash yanked off her bodacious body as punishment for expressing her personal point of view on the the gay marriage matter. Naturally she sued, claiming religious discrimination and a variety of other things. However, Miss Christian Morality dropped her suit like a cat on fire when the pageant powers that be revealed to Miss Prejean that they possessed not just one but seven short pornographic videos she made of herself doing naughty things to herself. Uh-oh. Miss Prejean–now Missus Boller–turned her lemons into lemonade with a book she gave the unwieldy title of Still Standing: The Untold Story of My Fight Against Gossip, Hate, and Political Attacks.

Anyhoo, toothy Miss Prejean and Mister Boller were married early July of 2010. The bride wore white even though–and despite her self-proclaimed religious views–it seems highly unlikely she was a damn virgin on the day of her betrothal. It is Your Mama's wholly unscientific theory that new wives seldom want to occupy their newly snared man-mate's bachelor pad of since they're crawling with the cooties all the girlfriends and assorted hussies who came before her. Right on schedule, just a few short months after their lavish nuptials, Mister Boller hoisted his bachelor pad on to the market. Once it sells the newlyweds cab start anew in a new and untainted house.

Listing information and property records reveal that Mister Boller's contemporary crib, located on a quite cul de sac in the Lomas Santa Fe Country Club, measures 4,322 square feet and includes 4 bedrooms and 4 full poopers. Records show the Mister Boller only bought his bachelor pad in March of 2008 for $2,550,000. We don't even need to flick any of the well worn beads on our bejeweled abacus to see that Mister Boller, his new Missus and their Real Estates believe the property has gained more than 25% in value over the last couple of years even though the real estate markets sank like a gangster in cement boots over that period of time.

A gated, palm tree lined drive leads up to a circular drive and motor court where the gleaming white and smoky glassed residence sits on a hillside with long views over the tree tops to the Pacific Ocean. The front door opens into a voluminous, multi-level open plan entry/living/dining with a combination of beige marble and shiny ebonized hardwood floors. Both the entry and the dining room areas are lit by a trio of those oh so trendy and glitzy-glammy chandeliers wrapped in a drum shade that became a bit too popular a few years ago. The living room, which has a fireplace, opens to the back yard through a long bank of sliding glass doors.

The sleek if somewhat dated looking kitchen has high grade stainless steel appliances, an unholy mix of black and mottled chocolate brown granite counter tops, and smooth, lacquered blond wood cabinetry. Although the kitchen is adequately sized and well placed as the hub around with the rest of the rooms orbit, we're quite concerned about the taste level displayed with the center work island which perches precariously and unnecessarily on a stainless steel tube of some sort. Bad. Idea. Very. Bad. Idea. A few steps down from the kitchen, in an area that was probably originally intended as a breakfast area, Mister Boller has placed a billiards table. Good grief chickens, who started this trend of pool tables in bachelor pads and more importantly who perpetuates this disturbing depressingly cliché decorative meme? That said, better out in the open like this than stuck away in some dreaded "man-cave," probably the number one worst trend in middle-brow day-core to come along in a very long time.

Beyond the breakfast room/pool table room a family room area is outfitted with a large beige sectional sofa and a flat screen tee-vee mounted to the wall. The children will note that someone has carefully laid a throw blanket across the sofa, a sure sign that Miss Prejean thinks of herself as a bit of a decorator or that Staging Lady in a Pink Toyota has been up in there doing her thang. Seriously people, if there's anything more decoratively eye roll worthy than a bachelor pad with a pool table it's real estate photos with throw blanks draped over sofas and ottomans. Seriously people. No. Not anymore.

The second floor master suite has more deep, dark hardwood flooring, dark putty colored walls, a fireplace, clerestory windows, and wide sliding glass doors that open to a narrow terrace that overlooks the backyard and the view. Presumably this is where Mister and Missus Boller bed down together in wedded bliss but we certainly hope that Miss Christian Morals did not occupy this room prior to her marriage to her professional footballer because, you know, unwed co-habitating and/or premarital fornication is a serious sin.

In order to orient the back of the house and the back yard towards the distant ocean view, the back yard is really, the front yard. The sliding windows on the back of the house open to decks and terraces that cascade down to a large infinity edged swimming pool and spa where we imagine the Bollers have spent more than a few romantical evenings.

Since Your Mama does not know a laminate floor from a bundle of sticks we really haven't any idea where Mister and Missus Boller plan to next set down their real estate roots. Although they both hail from southern parts of California, it's quite possible they'll pack up and head for the Bay Area where Mister Boller is now employed with the Oakland Raiders. But then again, there are all those gays that wanna get married up in San Francisco and the Bay Area so....

listing photos: The Guiltinan Group

18 comments:

Aunt Gina said...

oh l'il gay boy, I know it's almost too easy but oh I can barely contain myself...

ps my verifyin' word is "undes" as in "who would want to get in this bitch's undes, anyhow?"

Eric said...

Oh, I can't wait to hear the righteously indignant vitriol spew forth.
She's a beauty contestant (barf) who shares her views with the majority of Californians, Americans, as well as the President.
Let's remember that.

Jeannified said...

I know this area a little, as I live in San Diego. Decent pad, but ridiculous if they think that they are gonna get that kind of money at the moment! They need to get over themselves!

oduroyal said...

Thank goodness my Baltimore Ravens sent Kyle Boller away

Anonymous said...

Now I'm off to google images of Kyle Boller...

p.s. MY verifyin' word is "layses" and I'm not sure how it's pronounced but I'm positive that "I ain't had a any decent layses in ages" is how it's used.

Anonymous said...

Lomas Santa Fe Country Club does not have gates (I am a member). Maybe his house does, but the club does not.

Anonymous said...

Eric I simply don't know why you care what other people do.
If you don't want to get married to a gay person or anybody, fine. Your choice.
Just let everybody else marry or not as they desire.
Just mind your own business.
Now, how hard is that?
The Aussie
PS - I am not gay, not married, not nuthing, but it's just not important and I have no interest in anybody else's sex/love life. End of story.

Aunt Gina said...

It's been my experience that people who are secure in their own sexuality are rarely threatened by the sexuality of others.

just to stay on the real estate topic at hand, nice pool...wonder how much it cost to pump in all that holy water?

Eric said...

Anon 9:05, I never said anything about what I believe. Don't assume anything.
But that's not really what's important here, is it?
I like Kyle, he seemed like a nice guy (grew up a few blocks away in the SCV), but this abode is a bit too...a bit too...new for me, and seemingly priced wrong.
Mama, please come home from wherever it is you holiday and satiate me with some good Real Estate Porn.
Puhlease?

word verification is incedi, as in "He was going to ride a unicycle, but incedi he rode his bike."

Anonymous said...

Eric,

Your first comment seeks to validate the majorities prejudice. Which has in fact on a number of well worn issues been proven to be insane and or immoral in the rear view mirror of history. Regardless how many view a subject a certain way. It does not justify the tyranny of a majority creating second class citizens. It is one of the reasons we have the judicial system we do, to check and balance such things. As has been proven by our own countries history on civil rights, time and time again. The tyranny of the majority had to be checked.

There is absolutely zero reasoning beyond personal distaste or religion(neither of which have any place in a secular and just country). To deny equal, not special or different, just equal, rights to all.

Marriage provides many protections and benefits due to government laws and recognitions. As the government views marriage. Which has nothing to do with how a church views marriage. Nor would any church be affected in any way in that manner.

Our secular government is denying full rights to people who pay all the same taxes you and every other straight person does. They work and grow their communities the same. They are however not allowed to enjoy the full benefits provided by their secular government. Because they love someone of the same sex. That is wrong.

It is not the right of a majority to oppress a minority, who has no impact on their lives. Beyond they simply disagree with who the minority is and would prefer they be allowed to legally discriminate against that minority and treat them as less of a citizen of this country. Those people who think they do have such a right, are on the wrong side of history. Just as those who thought slavery was fine, as a majority once did. Just as those who thought interracial marriage and the children it bore an abomination (one of those children sits in the white house)were once a majority. They were wrong. The people who impose their views and fears on the lives of others, to limit a minorities rights are wrong. And you for your original comment seeking to justify and your follow up, seeking to side step, are wrong.

Anonymous said...

I want to see Chelsea Handler's new house!

Anonymous said...

Hmmm, does not appear to have any of the unuique decorating touches I'd expect form the missus? No mirrors on the ceiling? No cam on the nightstand to videotape little love letters to her quarterback? And where is the drenched sybian to keep her company while the Raiders are on the road?

fordellcaste said...

Very cluttered, boring/bland decor. Way overpriced. He probably asked her opinion on what it is worth and how to furnish it. She was wrong about those ideas, too.

Anonymous said...

Actually Eric, you'll notice the latest polls indicate your statement is incorrect. It's a narrow margin but still... See:

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/08/22/weekinreview/22gay.html

Please don't assume.

Enjoy your vacay Mama - we'll be here when you return!

lil' gay boy said...

Let's not gang up on Eric (you seem like a nice guy, after all); education is the only cure for ignorance, whether it be willful or not. Anon 8:34 does make an eloquent precis. But here's the thing; Eric said, "...who shares her views with the majority of Californians, Americans, as well as the President."

If that were truly the case, then Prop 8 (and all the other polls, measures, proposals, etc.) would have flown through (with an overwhelming majority) without the incredible financial support of religious institutions swaying voter opinion with outrageous tales of polygamy, bestiality, incest, etc.

But more than anything else, in your heart of hearts you must know that attempting to pass legislation design specifically to deny rights to a singular group is un-American; we're not talking "special" or "extraordinary" rights, here. You cannot deny that if I pay my school taxes I have a right to ask that those monies not be used to specifically teach my neighbors' children to hate me (I neither need nor want them to embrace me with open arms, but I'd like to walk from my front door to my car without having to dodge gunfire). It would be prudent to remain mindful of the Japanese internment camps of WWII and how, even though quite belatedly, we saw the error of our ways & made restitution.

Let's remember that.

And please avoid using that most insidious of weasel words: tolerance, which the dictionary defines as "to allow the existence, presence, practice, or act of without prohibition or hindrance; permit." There's an implied superiority in there that is most offensive.

/rant

On to the fun...

"...wonder how much it cost to pump in all that holy water?"

Ouch; Aunt Gina, you just made me snarf my late morning coffee!

;-)

As far as SoCal golf course homes go, at least the water-hungry landscaping is fairly well done; especially when compared to the virtual moonscape of the house just to the north. But this home's modernity is curiously dated; with the smoked glass, curved stucco wall ends, and the overall color palette, I felt for a moment that Ronnie Rayguns was still in town.

Amongst the listing photos (no. 10, to be exact), is an image of a rather lurid altar-like area next to the dining room with black stairs that lead up to a banquette under a questionable modern painting; makes me wonder if this was meant for exorcisms of those poor, misguided married gays who slipped in under Prop 8.

As for the kitchen, it looks like a reject from a Stargate SG-1 episode; at least the future holds no pot racks...

Anonymous said...

Bravo Anon 8:34!

The Boozy Floozy said...

god that kitchen is bad!

fairfield girl said...

Stargate you say? It's Plausible in a Myth Busters sorta way that someone would like this. Not anyone we know but its still a possibility.
Wow its great to see the blog on fire! Maybe the market isn't headed for the second flush after all. Interest breeds lookers so maybe it will bring buyers to a slow market or now defunct Stargate fans at least.
LGB I'm impressed (as usual) even lowly Planet Earth cant stop you from bringing stellar comments! Sorry I could not help myself!