Thursday, May 27, 2010

Diddy's Baby Momma Gets a New Mansion

BUYER: Sean Combs for Kim Porter
LOCATION: Toluca Lake, CA
PRICE: $5,250,000
SIZE: 9,655 square feet, 6 bedrooms, 6.5 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Listen butter sticks Your Mama's a bit short on time today as we are settin' at the airport waiting on a delayed plane for an unexpected trip to San Francisco where our boozy bff Fiona Trambeau fell down in the wee hours of the morning and can't get up, at least not without some assistance. That's really just a sort of nice way of saying beehawtcha has been on a bender and is nine kinds of blottoed, bombed and bungfued...again. Since Chow Lee's bizzy raising babies in the Midwest and Falsetta Knockers is too busy grooming her cooch for tonight's premiere party–Falsetta tends to shed her clothes as an evening wears on and likes to be primped proper down there–that means it's up to Your Mama to bust up into Fiona's studio apartment, squeeze her into one of her vulgar, spandex traveling costumes and get her newly enlarged breasts to some rehab or another...again.

Anyhoo, getting back to the real estate bidess at hand, sometime last year Your Mama heard from Ladonna Likestoblab that P-Diddy–or Diddle Fiddle or Puff 'n Stuff or whatever damn dumb thing music mogul Sean Combs calls himself nowadays–went and bought one of his baby momma's a big house in Toluca Lake, CA. However, like we usually do when it comes to Diddy Puffer–or whatever–Your Mama quickly let the information run out of our mind until yesterday when we received a lovely missive from our informant Lucy Spillerguts asking us if we knew about said purchase by Daddy Diddler–or whatever.

Our first task was to figure out which of Diddy Daddy's three baby momma's for whom the house was purchased and all signs point to his on again off again laddee friend Kim Porter who is the mother to three of Puff D's 5 biological children.

Property records show the newly built, two-story, white clapboard Georgian style mansion was purchased in June of 2009 for $5,250,000. Your Mama, clever thing that we are, managed to squirrel some listing and marketing information out of the interweb that indicates the mansion measures 9,655 square feet and includes 6 bedrooms, 6.5 poopers, a glitzy entrance hall with black and white checked marble floor, formal living room, dining room with a temperature controlled wine room, screening room, library, gym, eat-in kitchen with Viking brand appliances and adjacent family room with fireplace. We can't be bothered to discuss the day-core in the listing photos since it was clearly installed by Staging Lady in a Pink Toyota.

The walled and fully landscaped grounds include a gated driveway, large motor court and three car garage, a covered loggia on the ground floor and a huge sun terrace overlooking the back yard on the second floor, a built-in barbecue center with Viking brand griller, a pergola shaded outdoor living room with outdoor fireplace, large flat expanses of unnaturally green lawn that is studded with flagstones near the heated in-ground swimming pool and spa.

Listen up bunnies, before any of you silly children who think it would be cute to hop in your hoopdies and head on over to Toluca Lake for a little celebrity spotting, Your Mama recommends that y'all keep in mind that the electronically gated estate is likely to be equipped with the finest, most expensive and scariest security and surveillance systems known to man including cameras for filming your ass as you scoot slowly by.

Diddle Puff's baby momma's house happens to be located in what is arguably the best section of Toluca Lake where other residents include Billy Ray Cyrus and all his wannabe famous children, Bob Hope's 101 year old widda Dolores–whose birfday is today, so happy birfday Dolores–and comedian du jour Steve Carell

Diddy Daddy–whose been known to refer to himself as Ciroc Obama lately after the Vodka he shills and the president of the United States–had been living up in a leased house on St. Ives Drive above the Sunset Strip, but it's Your Mama's understanding his done left those premises.

17 comments:

Jeannified said...

Nice place. Well, she deserves it, he ran around on her ass so damn much! ;-)

Anonymous said...

For over 5 million bucks you don't even get a front lawn?

Anonymous said...

Gorgeous home, love the entrance...must be nice to have such a house for doing nothing but getting knocked..

Chris said...

Is there some way to correct for photographic distortion? I mean the entrance hall here looks to be the size of a football field or more, and I am pretty sure it is not. Ditto other rooms. It's nice to present houses "well" but rank distortion seems to me a bit...well vulgar.

Madam Pince said...

What an icy, soulless house.

Best wishes to Fiona for her recovery!

Viva! said...

Really nice house, Kim Porter's a smart woman, though dealing with Diddy must be a major pain in the ass.

Archie Bunker said...

Those colorsed are wild about checker board floors.

Anonymous said...

Poor location for security....hardly any set-back from the street. Not a gated community. People can drive right by the front of the house all day/night. Just don't ring the bell or jump the fence. Their guards are not likely to be police academy graduates....

Anonymous said...

Looks like Ms. Puff 'n Stuff has three islands in her kitchen. I'm starting to get into the two island trend, but three is a bit extreme!

Anonymous said...

Oooh Mama,
In addition to the pergola, which is crying out for grapes, climbing roses, or wisteria, there appears to be a true, three-part Palladian window in the rear, and Veranda and I just love all things Italiano in the rear. Now if the entry floor featured a fleur de lis, a nice French influence, the foyer would look right out of The Beverly Hillbillies, or maybe the Diruski home, one of Trenton NJ's finer residences. (I made the diruski part up; that was my word verification.)
xoxo,
Patti O. Furniture

Sammie said...

In other Diddy news, I just saw that movie (Get Him To The Greek) and he is hilarious in it.
Found some pics at Vibe.com from the movie, for those who havent seen it yet: http://vibe.com/photo-galleries/freeze-frame-get-him-greek

BigBallin1 said...

Damn thats a nice spot! Diddy got good taste for sure! Wonder how he will furnish it or decorate it with? Maybe a huge flat screen to watch movies, like his own! Cant wait for that new movie get him to the greek comes out next week! that looks pretty funny!

Jumpin Jehosephat in LA said...

With a nice gay decorator I can see myself being comfortable in the house. However.... Who Ever designed that abortion of a back yard and pool should be strung up on the nearest flagpole, to slowly roast in the sun like a swollen tick. Because speaking as one that lives in this partic section of SiliconeLand, I can tell you that's exactly what's going happen to the residents of this pile with nary a shade tree in sight. And listen up mon petite hericot verts, come late August when it's 112 degrees out and the breeze moves about as fast as Nicole Kidman's forehead, ain't no Sunbrella gonna make no difference. Mmm, mmm, mmm... a butta stick in the microwave.

Anonymous said...

She live's right in front of Billy Ray and Miley and the 24 hour photo hounds, not an ideal location

Stewie said...

Beautiful house. I like it!

David A Toluca Lake said...

Here is the house on bing maps:
http://www.bing.com/maps/?v=2&cp=ppr8xm543bpr&scene=33220060&lvl=2&sty=b&sp=Point.ppr93t543bkr_Untitled%20item____

Miley Cyrus lives behind it in the Mediterranean style house. Bob Hope's house is the large one behind the Cyrus house.

Je Ne Sais Pas said...

This house is gorgzzzzzz.. sorry I just fell asleep. It looks like something died on the damn counter top in that picture of the kitchen. Other that that I am pretty sure the rest of these pictures are cute from a Crate and Barrel Catalog circa 1998.