Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Is This Jeana Keough's Last and Final Real Estate Stand?

SELLER: Jeana Keough
LOCATION: Coto de Caza, CA
PRICE: $3,900,000
SIZE: 8,000 square feet, 7 bedrooms, 8.5 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Listen puppies, Your Mama is going to try and be uncharacteristically brief because we've discussed the near constant real estate crises of all the The Real Housewives of Orange County to death. To. Death. Yes, we have done boiled that water until there wasn't a drop of moisture left in the pan. None the less, because Your Mama has a bit of a masochistic streak, we're going to try to squeeze a little diamond out of this turnip.

Back in June of 2009, recently dee-vorced–or probably ought to be dee-vorced–Jeana Keough listed her huge house in hot as Hades Coto de Caza, CA, with an asking price of $5,500,000. This was soon after records show she and her dead beat huzband Matt received a nasty Notice of Default on the approximately 8,000 square foot Keough family seat that includes 7 bedrooms, 8.5 poopers and a detached guest house above a portion of the 6 car garage. The Notice of Default drama was, according to Miz Keough, quickly resolved with the aid and assistance of her hairdresser, make up artist, bank people, nail gurl, life coach, and smoke blower who kept her sane and looking good through the process of having the mortgage restructured on her huge homestead.

By August of 2009 the price of Miz Keough's mansion, which listing information rather generously calls a "French country estate," had plummeted to $4,900,00. Listen celery sticks, as far as Your Mama is concerned this house isn't remotely French, nor is it in the country and it ain't an estate either. However, in a place where fake breasts, fake tans, fake hair and fake teeth are considered by many behind the Orange Curtain to be necessary virtues of attractiveness, architectural and decorative authenticity is, perhaps, not all that important.

Anyhoo, shortly after the price chop Miz Keough took the property off the market until February of 2010 when it reappeared with an even lower price tag of $4,200,000. Then, on the first of March of 2010 to price was once again hacked to $3,900,000.

But alas, whatever mortgage restructuring she managed to make happen back in the spring of 2009, it did not scratch her financial pinch itch for long because according to public records a second nasty Notice of Default was filed on the property in mid-December of 2009. Hold tight, butter beans, it gets worse. On the 10th of December of 2010 an even more nasty Notice of Sale was recorded on Miz Keough's casa with an auction date set for the fifth of March, 2010. Oh dear. The minimum bid, according to the public records we accessed, is $1,519,824, which we assume–but do not know for sure–is the amount Miz Keough owes her lender. It's very possible that Miz Keough has managed to stave off this trustee's sale so don't nobody go down to the courthouse in Santa Ana looking to bid on this uber-suburban albatross without first confirming the sale is a go-go.

Even though Miz Keough is no longer one of The Real Housewives of Orange Countybeehawtcha was smart enough to exit the stage before she had to live out her financial fracases on national tee-vee like Tamra Barney and that poor Lynn Curtin ladee who got evicted from a rental house in front of the whole damn world–Your Mama has a lingering and wee soft spot in our cold, dark heart for Miz Keough. She is unquestionably the most likable and least manufactured of all those Orange County housewives who are really more like "housewives." Given our itty bit o' fondness for Miz Keough we're going to do the ladee a favor and pick a real estate bone with her: Jeana, Jeana, Jee-nuh. Pleeze. Guuurrrrrl, you are in the damn real estate game so Your Mama should not have to be schooling you on how vitally important good photos of a property are in terms of attracting potential buyers. And we should also not have to be telling you that the more expensive a property and the worse the market, the more important those photographs become. This isn't brain surgery, darlin'. What we're getting at is that Your Mama is absolutely mor-ti-fied to find such dark and poorly framed listing photographs of your house. Most of those rooms look like a damn cave. And not a good cave either. This inexcusable transgression of real estate common sense is made even more egregious due to your financial difficulties that necessitate you unload this white elephant toot suite.

Seriously ladee, we do hope someone comes in and offers you two million dollars for your house so you can pay back the bank and have a few shekels in your purse. But that isn't likely happen with photos that make your house look like the sun doesn't come within 20 feet of the windows, that is unless there's a vampire down there in the OC who can only survive in the damn dark and what's the likelihood of that?

Now then, we're also going to do you the favor of listing some of the features of your house just in case someone wants to ring your bell and save your real estate ass. The chunky and architecturally clunky house sits on just over an acre and has a circular, stamped concrete driveway that gives way to a motor court through a porte cochere. Six, finished garage spaces surround the motor court. Inside there are reasonably high ceilings, a commodious 25-foot by 25-foot family room with built in bar, fireplace and glass doors that open to the back yard. The kitchen is kitted out with granite counter tops, and top grade appliances such as a Sub-Zero refrigerator and freezer. According to listing information all the bedrooms are at least sixteen feet square and the master suite includes a "retreat," balcony and his and her poopers and walk in closets. The back yard, which wraps around the house and has views of Saddleback Mountain, is loaded with outdoor entertainments such as a covered patio, outdoor fireplace, built in barbecue center, gunite swimming pool and spa, and a sport court where we imagine your eldest son Shane spent a lot of time nearly naked with beads of sweat running down his well-formed body while he dribbled and shot basketballs.

And, let's not forget that hard driving life insurance tycoon and sister-housewife Vicki Gunvalson lives just a few doors down and across the street. We're not sure if that's a bonus or not, but it is what it is.

28 comments:

Jacaranda Johnson said...

This place has lower middle class lotto winner dreams gone south give it back to the bank written all over it! and what the hell is up with these realtors? at this (or really, any) price range the basketball hoop and the pug are really stupid. Plus the messy dark pictures! I am counting the days until my pet chimp gets his real estate license and starts bringing some moolah home!

Carla Ridge said...

Mama's contentious contentions about the dark staging are SPOT-ON. And not in the least bit picky.

But I get the feeling that, while Gurrrl is in the 'real estate business', she relies on others to do all the knowin'-about-stuff FOR her. As in hairburners, ass-trainers, maquillage stylists and tanning professionals -- all these other people who do things for her that she has no idea how to do for herself. I somehow doubt she knows a whit about good staging, proper lighting or marketing acumen...except she knows when someone ELSE does it well. I warrant that people like Ms. Jeana look at a finished photo, give it a thumbs up or down, and that's their idea of 'creative input'. Well, at least the bed was made, LOL.

Gratifying to see Mama return to her roots to help this lady out a little with this very useful advice. Take heed, gurrrl!

StPaulSnowman said...

Eight point five poopers and not a single mention of Svetlana..........I am starting to get seriously worried. She means a lot to me and Mama.........don't think for a moment you overuse the poor, but snarky, dear.
My brother recently decamped from this Coto de Caza neighborhood and felt extremely fortunate to sell his very nice Mediterranean for one point something. He said his neighbors, also selling, are really struggling with price reduction after price reduction so none of this is surprising. This is clearly the era of buyer hubris and seller remorse.

Carla Ridge said...

Jacaranda -- I see the fug...but where's the pug? LOL.

Anonymous said...

Given the terrible photos one can only suppose that her troubles have so discombobulated her that she has given up all hope of ever selling the place.

rocky's dad said...

oh, jezus......you really got me going when you started on about Shane and the sweat running down his young, supple body.......

Anonymous said...

Dios mio....Seriously fugleh. But Mrs. Keough always like the dark, gothic aesthetique. Remember Frankie, her sweaty "designer" friend, he of the 6-foot tall wrought iron candlabras? (shuddder)

Bill said...

Mama,

I appreciate all the hard work you do, but are reality-based personalities' real estate really worth watching?

Anonymous said...

I agree with Mama about the poorly done interiors. Nothing helps more than a little bit of lighting in those backgrounds, but the photog. has to know how to light.

Anonymous said...

Not a bad house for the price.
I like Jeana also, one of the only decent Housewives.

Viva! said...

I feel for Ms Keough, she is my favourite housewife, she actually had a sense of humor about herself.

It's clear that she is underwater with this house...if only she could find a rich sugar daddy to make it all better.

The house looks SO much better on TV.

humanseed said...

Carla...The last picture on Redfin is of her doggy, but I don't think it's a pug. English Bulldog?

Anonymous said...

Mama: can you do a speculative and completely vicious/hysterical decontruction of what the interior of the soon-to-be Palin White House interior decorating scheme will look like, circa January 2013?

I just want to get acclimated early through your witty crystal balls and start early preperations for the "thought crime" mandatory microchip implantation program...

Anonymous said...

Does a bear come with this cave or do you have to supply your own?

Anonymous said...

Is this home for sale on Fairway also owned by Jeana Keough? Public databases associate her name with that address.

http://www.cotohousingblog.com/?p=9554

Anonymous said...

I mean, Mama, under Palin's rule, will there be pro-life pot rack chic?

Trendy sofa stylings with embossed crucifixes and dust ruffles?

Hot new color schemes like "moosehead brown", "book-burnt orange" and drill-baby-drill black"?

StPaulSnowman said...

And so my friends, you can see from the above examples of celebrity bashing that primal midthalamic human aggression can be channeled to avoid the messiness of physical aggression. This may, quite conveniently, be done anonymously and save the basher any anxiety over what the celebrity or his or her supporters might do in response. Ain't technology grand!

Anonymous said...

It's pretty obviously why the photo's are not professionally done. She's broke. On the last few episodes this season before her departure, she was desperate for money. It's sad that she's in this condition. As stated before, she is by far the most likable housewife out of ALL the women from coast to coast. But, let's not act like she didn't act like an elitist when it came to spending money. Just last season, she was contemplating spend $10,000 on updating her bedroom. Seriously. Plus, there were several episodes were she bragged about going shopping with no limit. Nevertheless, I she pulls out of this.

P.S. Where's Shane's room?

Anonymous said...

ech! looks like the Frontgate catalog threw up all over this house.

Anonymous said...

Professional photographers involved or not, someone could have at the very least turned on lamps and other light sources. After all, one's on in the living room - why not the other? It's like someone walked through with a little digital camera, went "click, click, click" and never slowed down. If I didn't see a couple of lights turned on, I would guess the power had been shut off.

Anonymous said...

So the minimum bid is 1.5m eh.

That would be one lenders claim.

How many mortgages and helocs are on the place?

Anonymous said...

Never seen the show. Never heard of her outside this blog. So I googled her.

She's a Big Gurl!

Pretty face...HUGE gut.

I thought the "housewives" were supposed to be slender and hot.

Oh well. Some guys like em large.

LoveToWatch said...

Your comments about Shane are delightfully naughty, Your Mamma. Don't-cha-just-know I had to breathlessly RUN to Google Images?!

Anonymous said...

Is that a piece of gym equipment I spy next to the bed? 8,000 square feet of space and homegirl can't find a better spot to sweat in?

Anonymous said...

I am not a professional photographer, and all I have is a 7 y.o. digital camera (not an SLR), yet, the pictures of my house look full of light. These seem to be taken with a cell phone camera. Jeana may be the most relatable of the housewifes, but she ain't no good as a real estate agent, hence the sale of the house and bad pics. I can't even imagine how bad all the other housewifes are professionally.

Babe Parish said...

Ya know, it's just like Gay Carpenter, Nomi's choreographer in Showgirls told her, "If you're smart, you'll figure out a job and a man for later"

I can't believe after being on the damn boob tube for how long now? Jeana is in this pickle. Shame on Bravo, they could at least help her out with a spin off!!!

:(

David Alexander, Toluca Lake said...

This foreclosure could not happen to a bigger, b...h

The haughtiest hosewife of them all.

Jeana went on and on about how the recession did not affect those in her income bracket; and spoken with a dismissive air.
Yeah right Jeana.

Anyone, and I mean ANYONE could have sold real estate in this last boom. Even Slade the loser was mortgage broker or title insurance peddler.

Maybe Jeana can now learn some humility and think about all the good things money just can't buy.

I won't hold my breath.

Once the smug, now the shamed.
Karma never dissapoints.

darlin_virg said...

Love Anon 6:15 am's comment about the power being turned off. I'm so behind on my blogs, but watching this season's RH of OC shows she's still in her house... with her estranged husband AND new boyfriend. Over-the-top obsessed with the RH franchise!