LOCATION: Malibu, CA
PRICE: $25,000,000
SIZE: 8,500-plus square feet, 1 bedroom, 1 bathroom
YOUR MAMAS NOTES: A little birdie chirped to Your Mama earlier this week that Barbie®, the world's most famous and anatomically impossible doll, has put her internationally renowned Malibu Dreamhouse® on the market exclusively through Trulia with a dolltastic $25,000,000 price tag. That's right, children, Barbie® is selling up in The Bu.
Naturally, Barbie® chose an equally polished, tan and successful Realtor to help her unload her big, pink beach house Dreamhouse®: The dapper Million Dollar Listing star Josh Altman of the real estate brokerage powerhouse Hilton & Hyland.
The townhouse-like street-side, facade is, of course, all hot pink faux brick with flower petal shaped arched windows and flower boxes. The front door is tucked around the side and opens directly into an open-concept ground floor living/dining/kitchen area. Listing information indicates the moldings are pink, the hardwood floors are a custom-tinted Pantone® 219C and the ceilings are "voluminous," a damn good thing since Barbie® is significantly taller than the average human being.
The adjoining kitchen area is quite compact for an 8,500-ish square foot house. It's a kitchenette, really, but that makes sense. Just look at Barbie® and her itty-bitty waist. That gal can't eat more than a spoonful of yogurt a couple times a week and maintain a figure link that. Anyhoo, listing information shows the pink Poliform-brand kitchen has cotton candy pink cabinetry, hot pink granite counter tops and all the necessary appliances an ever-young and curvaceous but pin-thin doll could ever need.
There does not appear to be a staircase, which means access to the upper two floors is only via the tiny elevator that's wrapped in filigreed detailing that depicts the famous home owner's pony tailed profile. The elevator lifts by way of a pulley system to a cozy second floor sitting room outfitted with a sky blue tile floor, a pink crystal chandelier, a tufted Victorian settee—in hot pink, natch—and a flat screen t.v. surmounted over a self-crackling fireplace.
Listing information reveals Barbie's® lone bathroom, located just off and open to the second floor sitting room, has a single pedestal sink, radiant heat flooring and a stand-up corner steam shower with a glass door that, like the elevator, is imprinted with Barbie's® pony tailed profile.
We're not really sure what sort of—ahem—doll might want to buy Barbie's® beach side Dreamhouse® but Your Mama thinks Mister Altman may want to reach out to some of those goulish and increasingly popular Monster High dolls like, say, Cleo de Nile™ or Venus McFlyTrap™who would surely Goth the place up with cobwebs, crucifixes and scads of candelabras.
Your Mama doesn't have any specific intel on Barbie's® future real estate plans in Malibu but could she finally be fixin' to trade up into the glassy, gorgeous and über contemporary, five-level spread that won the 2011 AIA Barbie® Dreamhouse® Design Competition? Let's hope so.
NOTE: This is for entertainment purposes only. This is not descriptive of the actual Barbie® Dreamhouse® Toy.
Photos: Mattel, Inc. via Hilton & Hyland via Trulia
Well, Mama's been hitting the booze early today!
ReplyDeleteLuv it!! Tee hee!!
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ReplyDeleteI went to the opening of the malibu house by Johnathon Adler. I can not image its stayed the same from several years ago. Being from the East Coast I don't understand living on a Highway for views of the beach.
ReplyDeleteLMAO
ReplyDeleteHeard a rumor that Larry Ellison was scheduled for a showing but declined after being told he'd have to wear nothing but a pink tutu on the premises at all times.
ReplyDeleteHas April Fools Day come early?
ReplyDeleteHahahaha!!!
ReplyDeleteThis was in the new York times, or maybe wsj, last week.
It's a marketing campaign for the new barbie house coming out before Christmas 2013
I'll be passing on it. I hear it's a tear down.
ReplyDeleteMama, I stole your wooden spoon and I'm not afraid to use it on you.
ReplyDeleteNow, now, Petra, give it back -- only Mama gets to wield the spoon.
ReplyDeleteAlthough pink is, like Shelby Eatenton Latcherie, my signature color, I fear I must pass on this one unless another broker picks it up; I would not buy a vowel from that quintessential sleazebag Josh.
;-)
LGB you are trying to hi jack this blog from Mama, or are you Mama hmmmm. Your hysterical. So you dont like Pee Wee Altman we children may assume?
ReplyDeleteI'm so confused on WTF this post is suppose to be.
ReplyDelete"LGB you are trying to hi jack this blog from Mama, or are you Mama hmmmm. Your hysterical. So you dont like Pee Wee Altman we children may assume?"
ReplyDeleteHijack? Never. As one of Mama's eldest, it behooves me to see to it the littlest ones don't do anything rash (like filching Mama's wooden spoon, Petra).
As for Pee Wee the RE, he strikes me as the type of person a cannibal would discretely spit into his napkin...
;-)
Mama Dearest, I've heard that Barbie is about to close on the Elton John House in Trousdale - The color palette sealed the deal.
ReplyDeleteCarla Ridge, have you heard anything?
Bitch got the place like every other plastic ho in the Bu... Flat on her back!
ReplyDeleteI hard Mr. Ellison has this under contract already for 10M over asking.
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ReplyDeleteMama:
The Rabbi wishes to discretely inquire if Barbie's highly important furniture is separately available for sale, including especially the Thomas Chippendale camelback sofa from Philadelphia, the button-tufted Victorian horsehair settee from New York, and the ever-so-romantic lit a la Polonaise?
Hopefully holding her breath,
Rabbi Hadassah LaCasa
Shmulie's Antique Emporium
*Brenda from Scary Movie voice*: HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND???!!!!!??!!?????
ReplyDeleteI never comment on this blog... this is brilliant!
ReplyDeleteBarbie has no doubt squandered her inheritance on innumerable designer handbags, shoes and hats, not to mention profligate spending on an extensive and mostly unnecessary wardrobe, and is now being forced to market her heavily-mortgaged Malibu property prior to forclosure. We sincerely hope that Barbie at the least breaks even following the transaction.
ReplyDeleteVerandah and Patti
Be careful with the cash flow, Barbie gurl, or you might one day be the next Angelyne...
ReplyDeleteI heard she's a hoarder; these interior shots are from her pre animal hoarding days....
ReplyDeleteMama, this is awesome! Love your snark.
ReplyDeleteI never post either but this one is funny and right on point. Plus, it led to the AIA competition page. Thanks!
ReplyDeleteLarry Ellison is her $ugar daddy, duh!
ReplyDeleteBut she's grown tired of him and so she's blackmailing him with a sex tape and moving on up.
Malibu is so cliche anyways, she's ready for the platinum triangle.
Barbies Beverly Park Dream House
A pink chateau by Richard Landry
ReplyDeletePerfect for all the plastic whores
of Los Angeles....
Ha Ha Ha, this was hilarious. Now watch someone go out there and build a life size Barbie Malibu Beach house in Malibu. In fact I am kind of surprised no one has done it yet.
ReplyDelete@8:38 they sorta did already. Jonothan Adler decorated a house on carbon beach a few years ago
ReplyDelete"A pink chateau by Richard Landry."
ReplyDeleteExcuse me whilst I unswallow...why would you do that to one of your siblings?
;-)
...I cannot think of a more sickening combination -- outsized, badly scaled and pink?
Eww.
Posters 2/7 2:23, 2:38, 2:57 & 5:11, you ROCK!
ReplyDeleteTo those with no sense of humor, GET ONE!!!
Haha @Lil Gay Boy,
ReplyDeleteYou crazy!
But all I'm saying is that it'll look very much like Faye Resnick redecorated Lisa Vanderpumps house in BP for Paris Hilton.
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ReplyDeleteOops slipped on a banana skin taking out of the car, it's all broke...
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