Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Josh Altman Buys Ass-Ugly Sunset Strip Wart

BUYER: Josh Altman
LOCATION: Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $2,300,000
SIZE: 2,436 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 2.5 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: A little celebrity real estate birdie we'll call Hedda D. Class chirped to Your Mama via covert communique—and then we confirmed with property records—that the always dapperly dressed and hard-charging Beverly Hills-based real estate agent and Million Dollar Listing star Josh Altman dropped $2.3 million on a very truly ass-ugly wart of a house just above West Hollywood's bustling Sunset Strip.

Digital marketing materials describe the existing dwelling as an "ARCHITECTURAL GEM" but anybody with functional eyeballs can plainly see from even the most cursory of glance over listing images that that's nothing but insincere (and even slightly cynical) real estate hyperbole because—all T no shade, buttercups—this house is hideously deformed. You know it is. We know it is. And so does Mister Altman who may be many things but he ain't no real estate fool. Fer chrissakes, children, the immaculately-groomed man drives a Fisker* and probably puts on a designer suit just to go to the damn bathroom in the middle of the night so it's highly unlikely he's going to shack up in this revolting little residence without, at the very least, giving the place a comprehensive re-do that renders it otherwise unrecognizable from its current, sad state of affairs.

Listing materials show the existing house, built in 1962 and situated down a long gated driveway, is conveniently located a short distance—a easily walked distance, for anyone so inclined—to the many designer boutiques and upscale eateries in the perennially trendy Sunset Plaza shopping and dining district. Your Mama, who does not know a damn thing about a damn thing, happens to be of the mind that Mister Altman's $2.3 million outlay for the beastly abode is wholly justified by the easy-access central location, commodious half acre-plus lot, and sweeping city view. While it may come as a surprise to some and the self-righteous chagrin of others, a half an acre lot is whole lotta land to own just above the Sunset Strip where houses are often tightly packed on minuscule lots carved out of steep hillsides on impossibly narrow and dangerously windy roads.

The two-story residence as it stands, according to listing details, has three bedrooms and 2.5 bathrooms in just over 2,400 square feet. At the foot of the driveway there's a detached two-car garage and in between the garage and the house there's a walled and gated courtyard with a swimming pool and a disturbing lattice-encased elevated view terrace. The listing description goes on to state that the kitchen was remodeled with "STAINLESS STEEL AND STONE" but that the rest of the house is "SOMEWHAT DATED." Somewhat dated? Seriously? Pleeze.

We know that taste and fashion in architectural style change over time but, still, it just gets Your Mama's blood all worked up to think that somebody designed that house and, when it was all done, looked at it and thought—and we paraphrase imaginatively, of course—"That looks exactly like what I wanted." Somebody really wanted and actually paid for all that decorative wrought-iron that looks like the sort of affectation you might find in an affluent trailer park in Romania and the rectangular windows with the inset arches are perplexingly perplexing. The hulking, herringbone patterned brick masses on the front façade, especially that one that looks like it's floating mysteriously over the corner of the house, are beyond wrong and the striped awnings over some of the upper level windows along with the totally fucked-up wrought iron cornice on both the garage and the house only enhance the utter absurdity of the whole thing.

Anyhoodles, poodles, as part of our research in to the matter Your Mama made a couple of queries with a few of the people we know whom we thought might know a little something about the situation and it wasn't too long before we heard back from a well-placed contact we'll call Wanda Gitterdone who told us that scuttlebutt on the Platinum Triangle real estate street is that Mister Altman plans to raze the existing house and replace it with a 7,500 square foot über-contemporary crib that will be worth $9 million when it's finished. When we asked Wanda if Mister Altman planned to sell the new house or move in with his real estate agent fiancée, Heather Bilyeu, she huffed and clucked and said, "Who knows? But, you know, baby, he's a real estate agent. Everything is an investment and everything is for sale."

*Just because we can identify our own BMW in a parking lot doesn't mean this boozy property gossip knows diddly squat between a Tesla and a Fisker and, indeed, the children in the comments are correct, Mister Altman drives a Fisker and not, as we first "reported," at Tesla.

listing photos: Coldwell Banker Gene Armstrong


Anonymous said...

I've always loved faux masonry upper story walls that don't reach to the ground as if a real masonry wall can just magically hover in space.

Anonymous said...

The comments on Curbed regarding this place are pretty funny-


And not that it matters, but I believe he drives a Fisker, not a Tesla. Tesla's are cool, Fisker's are for douches.

Anonymous said...


He drives a Karma Fisker which is a bankrupt company whose cars have lost 75% of there value.

Tesla's on the other hand are incredible feats of engineering beauty and the company is blowing up.
Stocks almost 200 bucks.

Anonymous said...

This is the perfect home for one of the most crass people on TV.

Anonymous said...

He looks like this house

Babe Parish said...

that looks like bin laden's sunset strip hide out. rip it up, altman! can't wait to see what he does :)

Petra's said...

This big-nosed greaseball is a celebrity?

Anonymous said...

wow you guys go for the jugular with this guy. he's a little slick and frat-boyish but, whatever, it no reason to get so intense. Its about the house anyway and the house really is ugly.

Michael in WeHo said...

I love you Josh don't listen to the haters! When you find that the blonde chick isn't doing it for you anymore and you wanna try something different on the side, you know who to call. :-)

Anonymous said...

Guys, don't be so hard on his looks.

Anonymous said...

Although I find it silly to show all your negotiating tricks on TV, I like the guy. He does his job and does it well. I find his confidence to be very sexy.
He's aware of what the market wants and will create a product people want to buy. The finished product won't be a case study of design excellence but I'd wager, will sell for top dollar.

Anonymous said...

That house is 3 miles past atrocious. I never understand why Josh is disliked so much.

What about Madison? This guy is the definition of untrustworthy and just no gift to humanity.

lil' gay boy said...

My eyes!! My eyes!! I feel like someone scooped them out, covered them in paper cuts, rolled them in coarsely ground sea salt & rinsed them in lemon juice before putting them back in -- upside down.

Suits him to a T; I absolutely loathe the guy, mostly because he reminds me of a certain homophobic nephew who nonetheless would still try to sell me his and her burial plots whilst flashing the same thousand watt fake smile.

Normally I'd just leave it at eww, but I believe it might just be a genetic defect -- like hypertrichosis or acromelagy.

Pick a façade -- they each reflect a facet of his dessicated, shriveled dark soul. Or lack thereof.

Anonymous said...

People are born the way they look - so let's not be unkind. The house, on the other hand, was created by someone with a lack of talent, education, and skill. This is fair game. I bet he will just re-clad the exterior. If it has a great view, he might end up having the last laugh. I've never heard of this guy before, but I do have to admit his photos have a douchie quality.

Yak said...

His show is a laughably contrived, poorly scripted, soap-operatic mess. More about 3 drama queens than real estate, sadly. As others have said, this house is right up his alley. He and his shiny suits will fit right in, even if he never remodels.

FonHom said...

LGB. I've never seen the wart's show. Don't need to. Your delicious little monologue tells me everything.

Rosco Mare said...

How has a house this nasty ugly survived so long in its pretentious, but beautiful neighborhood? The definition of "teardown."

Since we're taking a poll, I've seen Josh and Heather together at the Century City Mall in the black Escalade driven in the show, which could use a little zing from our Mama Dearest.

Anonymous said...

It reminds me of a joke told in Communist-era Warsaw:

Q: What's the best thing about the viewing platform at the top of the Palace of the Ministry of Culture? [a famously ugly building which was Stalin's "gift" to the Polish people.]

A: You can't see the Palace of the Ministry of Culture from it!

In this case, the best thing about owning this home is that you'd be inside it and wouldn't have to look at it, but could instead enjoy the views.

Anonymous said...

This place is beyond hideous. I can't imagine you can do anything to improve its appearance save tear it down.

Anonymous said...

The Rabbi prays that the foyer of Mr. Altman's new home is graced by a double curved staircase.

Concerning Warsaw, the Rabbi stayed at the truly beautiful Polonia Palace Hotel, a grande dame that survived the bombing, located across the street from the Palace of Ministry and Culture. "Stalin's Gift" was thoroughly unwelcome: Its enormous size was (and remains) hideously over-scaled to its surroundings, and continuously reminded the Polish citizenry of Stalin's authoritarian presence.

Only the rare new home architect and prospective home owner perhaps need to benefit from an enhanced sensitivity to relating the size of a structure to its surroundings.

Rabbi Hedda LaCasa

lil' gay boy said...

Glad to help with the visuals, FonHom; I kept wondering why the ironwork (especially the garage) reminded me so much of South Ozone Park -- until I looked at the Google Maps aerial (WARNING TO THE CHILLRUNS: don't do it! seriously; trust me on this one).

It's somehow associated with a NYC locksmith (hence the S.O.P. "provenance"), and from the air appears like one of thousands of low rent, roadside budget fence & pool retailers.

The cherry on top is a long, butt-punishing stairway that leads down the property's far side to what appears to be a now-closed-off (by the property below) cul de sac -- your very own vest pocket "Needle Park".


Anonymous said...

Pee Wees Playhouse??

Desert Donna said...

I have always said regarding real estate that "every ass has a saddle". In Altman's case, it fits (no pun intended) on so many levels. Given his taste level, he probably sees this as a move in.

Anonymous said...

The water fountain with the people under the umbrella surely sealed the deal.

Anonymous said...

A few things...

1. Josh doesn't own the Fisker. It was a "free" lease from the company - in some shots you can see the manufacturer license plates

2. Nothing in that area has sold close to $7M let alone $9M.

3. Building on a hillside is expensive; building on a hillside with dense houses and narrow streets is uber expensive. I expect it would cost him $500-700 per square foot to build a home there and probably take 1-1.5 years. So $2.3M for the land plus $3.7-5.2M for the build, would put him at $6.0M-7.5M plus a year or two later (in maybe a softer market)... sounds like a tough deal and not worth the headache.

Don Juan's Wreckless Daughter said...

@ Anonymous 11:07AM: hahaha! Once he saw the giant 1980's satellite dish he was sold.

@Anonymous 12:19PM - let's not forget the piss poor quality of the soil over there. I built a TINY addition onto my old house over there on Miller Dr. and the caissons had to go 23 feet deep. I can't begin to imagine what a pain in the ass tearing down and building on this property is going to be o_O

Anonymous said...

Josh sells a dream he can't even afford. $2.3M is a starter home on the Westside. Start bragging when you live in Trousdale, Beverly Hills, or Bel Air.

Zippy said...

Some of you people are such bitches. Who cares if he sells houses that cost more than what he can afford for himself? What the hell does that have to do with anything?

Do you know how very few people can afford to pay cash or qualify for the mortgage on a $2.3 million house? Do you have any idea how few real estate agents in CA there are who can actually afford to buy a $2.3 million house regardless of its condition or aesthetic value? Almost none compared to the tens of thousands of licensed agents that's how many.

No matter what you might think of J.A. or real estate agents in general, he really is at the top of his professional game. He bought a $2.3 million dollar house. How many of you can say that?

I wonder what sort of jobs making the world a better place all these J.A. haters have. Hmm.

P.S. I'm not Josh. Nor have I ever met him or done business with him.

Anonymous said...

@Anonymous 4:19 PM not much bragging you can do living in Beverly Hills or Bel AIr, trust me, I know lots of people who live in those neighborhoods who are very average. Maybe you're talking about living in Beverly Park or Holmby Hills, that's when you can really brag, but any tom, dick, and harry can live in BH/Bel Air, you'll be surprised.

Anonymous said...

Well, from what I've seen of him on TV I'd say that he and this house are perfectly matched - ha!

What a hideous property - surely he could've found something better for that price in that location???

It makes me laugh how rich these guys claim to be, yet they purchase houses for quite low amounts (first, the annoying one whose Grandmother featured too much in the show; and now this one). If they were doing THAT well, you'd think that they'd live in a gorgeous home - one where it's all about location, location, location ...

Anonymous said...

I hope Heather invites Flagg over to take a dump when it's done...

Jayne said...

I just know that he's onto something. Soon this house will be the epitome of fashion! I can almost hear Bobby Goldsboro's "Honey" playing on the hi-fi.

Anonymous said...

Mmmm, Josh...what beady eyes you have!

pollyLanda said...

I wish him well. hey, the guy is just trying to make a buck...lol.... what i dont get about the show, if its true, they do all these agreements on the phone and it seem so very staged.
also, seems like all these guys have rich parents, so hard can it be?? you get referrals from your rich parents , Josh parents live in aspen? so seems pretty easy to earn a living when all your clients are your rich parents friends?
Word of caution to baby boy matt, many have tried to be developers in this town, based on my knowledge of you dropping a house for a slim $50,000 difference, you better hope mom and dad have alot of extra bank, when this dog goes over budget......if you follow the guys who stay in the game, they almost 99% of time, dont really need to make a profit, they have billions, you dont.. many fade off into the distance when the market changes

mrdhh said...

You are beautiful dear-JUST NOT IN CURRENT FORM.I know momma does not allow bullying and bashing-beauty is skin deep and ugly goes to the bone.And after a couple of beers it can be figured out it has good bones.

1.That is one fu**ed 1/2 acre lot.Wrong try 8,000 square feet usable with a sloop from hell.Top pic not back of house but side.

2.Lot is flag shape side right.There is the problem right there and now we work.

3.Garage and above.The above is now
half walled (back and garage front)
with a birdcage staircase and this is sundeck with spa and exercise(opposite sides rail,plexiglass or both.Entry gate modernize etc.Remember you want privacy but not a prison.

4. Inside your secure and gated compound-right is the view left is the pool.I am thinking lido deck railing with half wall glass and some edginess.

5.This brick wall defies gravity
look at the bottom of the right one and the left one.What is this all about (remove right one at once)

6. Now not knowing the layout of this.I want to go from master suite to its private upstairs terrace retreat.Bird cage staircase where the right brick thing was and you will have THE GRAND TERRACE OF THIS

7.Where that metal thing is and all that growth-that is her back right side.This is now lightly grassed area for your personal dog park
with a higher walled fence.

Again all of the above are subject to building inspection,permit etc.

So in closing,the problems here are
maximizing its view and privacy
while in the realm of its none flat,not gently shaped,flag shape lot.

This place with the above and correct color schemes and patterns will and can be haute and chic.Because of lack of maximization- (it is quite tiring).

Tell me mama what do you think becuase this slope and shape and over 50 years later,still standing.

Anonymous said...

He is in Real Estate... AKA he saw an opportunity and took it... Everyone here is writing about how lavish and rich they appear to be on the show.. just because they are GREAT at finding the deal for their clients doesn't mean they themselves are in a position to buy a 20m property. Altman is the only agent on the show that actually negotiates for his clients and truly gets them "a deal". I hope he flips this house for 7m in 2 years. Do you think the kid running your 2m stock portfolio at ameritrade has 2m... nope. otherwise he wouldn't' be working at ameritrade........