Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Double Whammy II: Melissa and Joe Gorga

SELLERS: Melissa and Joe Gorga
LOCATION: Toms River, NJ
PRICE: $520,000
SIZE: 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: As it turns out, The Real Housewives of New Jersey's resident horn dogs Melissa and Joe Gorga not only have their mansion in Montville Township on the market for $3,800,000, they're also trying to unload their newly renovated New Jersey shore house in Toms River, on the market since mid-February 2012 with an asking price of $520,000.

Property records show the architecturally vague abode, shown under construction on a recent episode of their fascinating, inter-family-fight-fest reality program, was acquired in May 2005 for $450,000. Current listing information doesn't indicate square footage but does show the two-story, single family, canal-fronting house has 3 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms.

A gravel drive next to a patch of grass leads to a Home Despot-style front door that opens directly into the living room with a two-tone paint treatment on the wall(s). Under foot a mottled-beige and grey ceramic tile floor loops around a ground-floor bedroom into the family-sized dining room designed with French doors that open to the backyard and an uncomfortably off-center, stone-faced fireplace. Surely there was a more elegant solution for this fireplace than this crazy-aligned thing, right? Anyhoo, the adjoining kitchen isn't particularly big and is equipped with inexpensive-looking, honey-colored Shaker-style cabinets (that may or may not actually have been inexpensive) and medium-grade stainless steel appliances that include a super-cute 4-burner baby Viking range.

All three of the bedrooms look cramped in listing photos, but it's a seasonally-used weekend house so that's kind of okay in the summer house scheme of things. The rear, waterside facade opens to a paver-tiled, bi-level backyard with swoopy-shaped built-in barbecue that runs almost right up to the edge of the plunge-sized, free-form saltwater swimming pool. At the far corner of the yard near where the Gorga's park their jet ski, there's a free-standing stone fireplace that could be romantic at sunset if it weren't in full view of the the next door neighbors.

Listen, kittens, we know owning and maintaining a second home is costly and sometime they get the decorative short shrift. But dear God, Jesus, Mary and Joseph, the day-core—if you can call it that—at the Gorga's shore house in Toms River gives Your Mama and The Doctor Cooter both a soul-crushing case of the screaming mimis. It's all just so half-assed and depressing. We thought these people were rich. They certainly make a point to play rich on the boob-toob.

The "painting" of the wine bottles hung way off to the side of the brown velveteen sofa in the living room? The tee-vee on the floor in the den or bedroom or whatever room that is? The shiny brocade bed clothes on that fake-antique bed shoved up into the corner of the master bedroom like it's a naughty child? Hunnies. Melissa. Joe-babe. No. Come on now. That's a foul ball even for a half-million dollar shore house.

Iffin you had asked for Your Mama's advice—and we know you didn't so it doesn't really matter what we think—we'd have said y'all ought to have ixnayed that silly recording studio in the basement of your manse in Montville and hired yerselves a nice-gay or lady decorator to help you pull your decorative shit together in both of y'alls houses. Seriously. Missy-hoo-hoo might know how to match just the right pair of bedazzled, 6-inch stilettos with the perfect, skin-tight and arguably-too-short sequin "cocktail dress" but, bless her heart, clearly behawtcha don't know a damn thing about how to furnish and decorate a home with anything that isn't brown-colored, gold-toned and/or meant to impart an image of (newly acquired) money.

Ouch! Did we say that out loud?

Of course, don't Your Mama know the truth from a horse's butt but the gossip on the sitch is the Gorga's would like to relocate to Tinseltown so Missus Mother of Three Gorga can pursue her passion to be an auto-tuned pop star. We're not sure what muscle-bound Mister Gorga would do in LaLa Land, especially since there are already so many contractors in SoCal who build grossly over-sized and architecturally specious spec-mcmansions. But, she's got a giggly sort of chutzpah and he's got an oddly-charming sort of guido charm. They both have porn-style bodies and a great set of teeth and, you know butter beans, the power of a pert booty and a snow white set of teeth can never be underestimated in Hollywood.
listing photos (Toms River): Cassese Realtors


Anonymous said...

Joe would probably do great in gay porn. And he'd definitely enjoy it (remember his fondness for cross-dressing?)

stolidog said...

If this is recently renovated, what was it before, a halfway house?

Bliss said...

I can't believe they didn't get this home staged before market. Once again, Yo' Mama, I agree with your #3 rule. Save money for decor for goodness sake. Depressing? Exactly!

lil' gay boy said...

"...the architecturally vague abode..."

There's nothing vague about it -- it looks like a house of cards in mid-collapse.

Back when I was a little sprog, my folks pinched and saved for our summer home; although not furnished with the top end in residential design, it certainly, even in our darkest days, never resembled the leavings of an abandoned storage bin like this does.

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

I see power lines!

Anonymous said...

Oh my goodness, Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob! While growing up in the stylish 1960s, the Rabbi's mom and dad had a gold queen-sized bedspread just like the silver one in the listing photo! And that "artwork" of booze bottles? Lomir makhn a schnapps! (Let's drink to that!)
Rabbi LaTess

hamza khanzada said...

home sweet home
i like beautiful homes

my home is more sweet
hamza khanzada

Anonymous said...

You are a fabulous writer and I enjoyed both I and II on this conversation. I love the RHONJ and this couple. Thank you for entertaining me on this dreary Jersey Shore Sunday evening. Bravo! (No, no Andy - that is not a cheer to you ;)