Thursday, June 23, 2011

Hedge Hog Phil Falcone Spends Big on Hamptons Summer Rental

The Hamptons summer rental market is heating up but good, puppies. It's almost as if the recent economic catastrophe, brought on by umpteen millions of bad mortgages and financial instruments so complex most financiers would be hard-pressed to explain them, hadn't happened at all.

Por ejempo: Today word comes down the real estate pike that fat cat hedge hog and notorious real estate size queen Philip Falcone and his sartorially courageous wife Lisa Maria have agreed to pay "about $700,000" to rent Stone Meadow Farm, a nearly new 18,000 square foot shingled sprawler in East Hampton, NY. That's nearly three quarters of a million bucks, children, for what we hear through the real estate gossip grapevine is just a two months summer rental. How's that for making even the reasonably rich feel financially impotent?


The current owner, theatrically-minded real estate heiress/entertainer (and self-described J.A.P.) Isabel Rose, acquired the 8-acre estate in 2009 after a bidding war with–you can't make this up, kids–Mister and Missus Falcone. She paid around $12,000,00o for the sprawling compound that–as per the floor plan included with marketing information from the time of the sale (shown above)–includes a three-floor L-shaped main house with 5 bedrooms, 9.5 bathrooms and 5 fireplaces. An attached guest house contains an additional 5 bedrooms, 4.5 bathrooms, 3 fireplaces, attached two-car garage and double-height living/dining/kitchen equipped with a phenomenally expensive brass-accented La Cornue cooker.

Some of the children may recall that large-livin' pop chanteuse Mariah Carey leased Stone Meadow Farm for a short time in the summer of 2008 at a reported rate of $125,000 per week. Have mercy! Your Mama needs a gin & tonic in order to get our piddly little mind around spending that much money to rent a house for one week.

The savory floor plan for Stone Meadow Farm indicates the grandly proportioned house includes a master suite with private sitting room, bedroom with fireplace, one en suite pooper, two dressing rooms and a private courtyard with stone terrace and hot tub. The approximately 3,500 square foot finished basement contains a media room, play room with wet bar and fireplace, gym, spa facilities (massage, steam and sauna rooms) and a staff lounge while the extensive grounds feature stone courtyards and terraces, flat lawns, tree-dotted pastures, a swimming pool and pool houses, spa, tennis court and a postage stamp perfect white barn with five stalls for the ponies.

Mister and Missus Falcone, rumored and reported to be building a 13,000 square foot house in nearby Sagaponack, currently reside New York City. In 2008 the conspicuous consumers famously paid about $49,000,000–in cash–for financially troubled Bob Guccione's legendary palace of porn on East 67th Street.

The Falcone's have given the 25,000-plus square foot double-wide mansion a soup to nuts overhaul reported to include the installation of a 34-foot long indoor pool, movie theater with stadium seating and not one but two dressing rooms for the Missus, one with wet bar. Now children, no one likes to imbibe a boozy beverage (or three) as much as Your Mama but is that what happened here? Was that mesmerizing and ridiculous ensemble a result of drinking while dressing? We tease. In truth Your Mama j'adores a contrarian and as such we actually think Miss Falcone is kind of fab in a flashy-trashy rags to riches I don't give a fuck what all you lacquer-haired high society types think of me sort of way. Not everyone, dearies, is meant to wear an elegant and simple Carolina Herrera gown, you know? Some goils and boys require a little bad fashion to feel complete.

Anyhoo, the Falcone's massive manse was also planned to include two elevators, a gym with steam and sauna and a "press room" in the basement where Esmerelda Minimumwage spends her days not wrangling with the media but, rather, ironing. Naturally the house was outfitted with a comprehensive security system so advanced it can probably make a person disappear without a trace if they so much as look at the house in a way it somehow deems inappropriate or suspect.

floor plan: Corcoran

15 comments:

Brandon said...

Mama, I believe youve given us two basement plans and no main floor.

Anonymous said...

So i guess all the recent coverage about his dire financial straits is a bit exaggerated. . .
Or is this what your PR team recommends you do to refute such claims -- spend your last million on a rental in East Hampton.
Btw, this house/property is not in prime south of the highway, Further, Middle, Hither, Lily Pond or Georgica location.

Rosco Mare said...

The Falcones are profiled in the current issue of Vanity Fair (with William and Kate on the cover).

Aunt Gina said...

Friends don't let friends dress drunk.

Anonymous said...

The rumor has it that if you are in the finance industry, work for wall street, it is best to live under the radar for the next 10 years or you will end up dead or thrown in prison

I guess he did not get the memo

tovangar2 said...

OMG, these people are so BORING! Too bad money doesn't make you fun.

Mama'sBoy said...

Mama! You have been a busy little bee! Preoccupied with work (and getting blow jobs) all week, I just checked in to over TWO FULL PAGES of juicy reading materials accented with sexy pictorials and a bit of real estate porn! I think I shall lie around all weekend drinking gin and tonics, reading very slowly and following every juicy link! Maybe this is hoe I will do it from now on: sit out the week with antici----------------------------pation and indulge myself all weeekend...
xx
Mama'sBoy

Trixie von Trott said...

Esmerelda Minimumwage LOL Love it Mama! And a wet bar in the dressing room - divine!

I wonder if they actually plan to spend 3 months living there or just use it for the occassional weekend away? The mind boggles...

Anonymous said...

It makes me sick to read this.

lil' gay boy said...

Aunt Gina, delightfully pithy as ever...

I know in my heart of hearts that when our dear sweet Mama kindly says, "...sartorially courageous ..." it's tantamount to hearing syphilitic whore.

There's courageous, there's outrageous, and then there's the surgeon general's warning...

micanichi said...

Falcone Crust!

Anonymous said...

P.O.S. financial thieves.
Disgusting.

Anonymous said...

fyi lisa falcone is a frontrunner for the next season of the real housewives of new york city. They are apparently recasting the entire show to bring on new ladies who have real cash. Do a search on gawker for her. There are some hysterical! articles about her groping her butler and her pet pot belly pig.

JJ

Anonymous said...

There is White-trash and then there is Rich-trash. Guess which.

Anonymous said...

I've read the "press room" sin't just for ironing, it's a full-on in-house dry-cleaning facility. I think there was trouble with the neighbors about this- the chemical exhaust etc. But just think about that- your own dry cleaners in your house. Amazing.

FWIW, I also sort of appreciate the Falcones' exuberant vulgarity- spice of life and all that.