Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Jesse Metcalfe Moving On...Again.

SELLER: Jesse Metcalf
LOCATION: Beverly Hills, CA
PRICE: $2,200,000
SIZE: 2,000 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Life in Tinseltown can be tough for young and swarthy beau hunks like Jesse Metcalfe whose gay porn-star style pulchritudinous is probably held in higher esteem than his slim acting chops. One day you're a young, hot and sexy baller on a hit show plagued by hysterical fans and marauding paparazzi and in the blink of an eye you're out hustling the highways and bi-ways of Hollywood trying to scare up a paycheck.

Mister Metcalfe, now in his mid-30s, shot to fame and semi-fortune in the late 1990s and early 2000s when he played Latin teenage Lothario Miguel Lopez-Fitzgerald on the erstwhile Passions, hands down the craziest soap story to ever find its way to airwaves. He left daytime tee-vee in 2004 for nighttime tee-vee's smash hit show Desperate Housewives.

He left the show in 2007, just about the time the show really jumped the shark and just before he landed in rehab for alcohol-related issues. (Mister Metcalfe returned for a few reappearances on the show in 2009.) Since then, according to his resume on the Internet Movie Data Base, the pectaculicious actor has worked very little and mostly on tee-vee and movie projects that Your Mama ain't never heard of such as the as yet unreleased horror film The Tortured. His most recent gig is on NBC's Jerry Bruckheimer-produced program Chase–which we've never heard of either–on which he plays some sort of lawman who hunts down fugitives or some such thing. The fate of the show seems uncertain since the network cut its episode order from 22 to 18 in December 2010 and TV By The Numbers predicts the show will be officially canceled by May 2011. This means, of course, that Mister Metcalfe may soon be in need of a job and out shaking his money maker for casting agents.

Property records and previous reports show that Mister Metcalfe scooped up his house in the Bev Hills Post Office in November of 2007. He paid $2,200,000 for the Mediterranean-style house, which the eagle-eyed children may have already noted is the exact same price he and his real estate ladee listed the property this week. That means, of course, even with a full price sale and Mister Metcalfe is headed for a financial ba-donkadonk to his bank account. Current listing information shows the house was built in 1999, measures about 2,000 square feet and includes 3 bedrooms, 3 full bathrooms and a detached guest cottage accessible by a private road.

The driveway in front of the 2-car attached garage was given some extra-special attention and features an inlaid star pattern, a detail so uncomfortably ironic and sad it makes Your Mama's teeth hurt. A stone stairway climbs to the front door that opens into a small vestibule where an arched doorway leads into the living room that features a stone fireplace, a bank of French doors, hardwood floors and a vaulted ceiling with exposed wood beams. Mister Metcalfe made a perfectly lovely decision with the (antique looking) Persian rug and the grand piano is a hulking but acceptable addition to the room since Mister Metcalfe actually knows how to tinkle the ivories. The carved wood coffee table, the dirty-looking bone colored leather sofa and the artwork stuck up on the wall above the archway to the foyer are all, however, serious decorative infractions.

In the dining room Mister Metcalfe has hung a trio of taxidermy animal heads. While we're utterly mortified by this particular and manly motif–we prefer the animals in our house be alive–it should come as no surprise to anyone who learns that Mister Metcalfe grew up with and likes guns. In fact, he recently revealed he owns two guns, a Sig Sauer and an HK, whatever those are. All nine of you over-interested screaming mimi super-fans who think it might be fun to doorbell ditch Mister Metcalfe because you think he's so "hawt" ought to keep in mind that he just might answer the door in his boxers holding a firearm. Iffin he does and one of you moe-rons get hurt, well it's your own damn fault for giving in to the foolish notion that you're going to just go knock on some Hollywood heart throb's door like it's a cute thing to do. Get a grip people. It's not.

Anyhoo, moving along, the well-equipped kitchen, which sort of has a Tuscan farmhouse sort of thing going on, does not appear to have been renovated since Mister Metcalfe acquired the residence. The back of the house wraps around a verdant courtyard with flagstone patio, stacked stone walls, a cascading wall of water and built-in barbecue center. The hillside climbs steeply behind the house and stairs wind up the to a secluded spa that, let's be honest puppies, is just begging to have adult movie made in it. A bit further up the hill is the aforementioned detached guest house. While there are few things Your Mama adores more than a guest house, it would be an evil punishment to ask house guests to climb the hill behind this house. It's a good thing than that a private road snakes up behind the house that allows guests to exit the front door and drive around the block to the guest house without having to suffer a heart attack huffin' and puffin' their fat asses up the hillside.

Mister Metcalfe seems to have some real estate itchy feet and has owned at least three houses in Los Angeles over the last 6 or 7 years. Previous to living up in the 90210 Post Office Mister Metcalfe owned a 5 bedroom and 5 pooper house in the Beachwood Canyon area that he bought in September 2004 for $1,075,000 and sold in January of 2008 for $1,495,000. Prior to that residence Mister Metcalfe briefly owned a 2 bedroom and 2 pooper house up the perilously serpentine Sunset Plaza Drive above the Sunset Strip that records show he bought in January 2006 for $1,275,000 and flipped in August of the same year for $1,595,000 to Topher Grace, an actor best known for his role on That '70s Show.

Where oh where will Mister Metcalfe move next? If we were having a bad booze-free morning we'd say he's probably headed to a more affordable condo in West Hollywood but in truth we know not a damn thing of Mister Metcalfe's finances and for all we know he's shoulder deep in c-notes and in the mood for a bigger, better and more expensive house.

listing photos: Hollywood Hills Real Estate Co.


davidsl said...

kinda old fashioned for a young man about town.

Anonymous said...

The pictures, to the extent I can make them out, look sorta "gay". No offense intended.

StPaulSnowman said...

We are the product of our experience........before I started reading Mama's little opus, I never thought about foundation plantings in terms of rat lairs.......but after comments by the Calichillun, I never see anything else. Sad because this place has some integrity.

lil' gay boy said...

"...he just might answer the door in his boxers holding a firearm..."

Hmmm; "firearm" ––– is that what you kids are calling it these days?


With pithy phrases like that, coupled with my new absolute favorite, pectaculicious, shaking the image of gay-porn-star pulchritude is gonna be a full time job from now on.

I wouldn't lose any sleep over Jesse's finances; with careful planning, he can parley his "assets" into kept man status, and will surely always land on his feet (when they're not hooked behind his ears, of course).


Jeannified said...

"Meow" is right! ;-)

Lady Leonie Bairstow-Eves said...

Way, way too Addams Family for me....

Although the thought of the boxers and the firearm??!!

You are soo funny Mama!

Lady L

Anonymous said...

Just what I want in sunny California, a $2MM cave. not.

Madam Pince said...

"with careful planning, he can parley his "assets" into kept man status, and will surely always land on his feet (when they're not hooked behind his ears, of course)."

lawd have mercy, lil gay boy! you're the type i'd like to sit next to at a wedding reception when the dancing gets started!

Anonymous said...

He still has a lot of the same furniture from the house he sold in 2008. Dining Room, Candleabras, taxedermy, sad living room couch..even the drapes!

He is on location in Texas shooting Chase

Anonymous said...

Just saw this house on MTV Cribs. Actually looks much nicer than these pictures show.

MattGMD said...

I rather like the interior. Subdued, dark woods, some wrought iron-looking pieces give it a masculine vibe. I bet a naughty sex tape scandal would give his career a boost