Friday, October 23, 2009

Mish Mash Monday

Thanks to our fab friend Kitty Glitter, we've learned there's some good news and some bad news for The Real Housewives of Orange County's Simon and Tamra Barney. Y'all remember these two, right? Who could forget them without the help of handful of mood stabilizers, a few pain pills and a bottle of gin? She's the fun loving but fork tongued blond "real estate agent" with the behemoth bazooms and he's her former Mercedes salesperson huzband who now pimps tequila.

The good news for the Barneys is that listing information shows their approximately 4,300 square foot faux-Tuscan tract house in Ladera Ranch, CA is looking for a back up offer indicating their 5 bedroom and 5.5 pooper real estate problem might soon belong to someone else.

The bad news for the Barneys is that the current asking price of $1,149,000 is substantially less than the $1,320,500 property records show they paid for the property in August of 2005. It is also, unfortunately, far less than the would like you to believe they are rolling in dough duo owe on the property which, according to public records, is at least $1,317,000.

To make matters worse, records show a nasty Notice of Default was filed on the Barney's primary mortgage in September of 2009 which makes the urgency to sell even more intense lest the property fall into the cruel jaws of foreclosure. Unless some damn fool was stupid enough to bid way over the asking price, Mister and Missus Barney will have to beg the bank for mercy and plead with the peeps at JP Morgan Chase to accept a couple (or few) hundred thousand dollars less than is owed on the property.

Listing information shows the Barney's Pointe Circle property in the religious sounding Covenant Hills planned development community was first put on the market back in late October of 2008 with an entirely unrealistic price tag of $1,599,000. The asking price was cut at least three times before the property was taken off the market in January of 2009 and then re-listed in July with its current asking price of $1,149,000. For some reason, the property has been de-listed and re-listed three more times since July of 2009.

The new season of The Real Housewives of Orange County starts up soon and Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter will be watching like hawks looking for any signs that this couple is short on cash. Of course, we're 100% certain they'll maintain the veneer of wealth and continue to say–as they have in the past–that they're willing to take a huge loss on this property in order to take advantage of sagging prices which will allow them to buy an even better property. However, besides their RHoOC paychecks, neither of these two appear to have regular or stable jobs that would indicate to a bank they can handle an even larger mortgage then the one they've currently defaulted on. Do y'all smell a disingenuous fish? Your Mama shore do.

Maybe ol' Tamra and Simon can wedge her big ol' boobies into the Mercedes and move into the Irvine, CA condo fellow housewife Jeana Keough's been trying to sell the last few months? Just a thought. Or maybe, could be these two lovebirds are headed for the court of dee-vorce? Hmm.

Turns out Tamra Barney isn't the only busty blond with real estate troubles. Former Baywatch babe turned cliché Tinseltown tragedy Pamela Anderson is facing her own real estate and financial melodrama regarding her house behind the gates of the star studded Malibu Colony community in Malibu, CA.

According to a recent article in the Daily Mail thoughtfully sent to Your Mama by Leonard Londoner, Miz Looking Rode Hard and Put Up Wet Pam Anderson recently gave an interview in which she, allegedly, told former EastEnder actor Joe Swash that the costs for the total overhaul of her home in The Colony has sucked money out of her once fat bank accounts like an industrial strength vacuum cleaner leaving her with only $4,000. Oh dear, the literally poor lamb. Four thousand clams probably barely covers the cost for Miss Pam's hair extensions which will be a real problem when her tracks start showing.

Making matters worse, Miss Pam claims to be three million clams over budget and needs another $800,000 to finish the extensive renovations that include tiling the swimming pool with platinum. Platinum tiles in the swimming pool? Oh gurl, no wonder you're in a financial pickle. Listen missy, Your Mama would feel sorry for your broke ass–iffin indeed the reports are true that's yer down to your last few grand–but low-ward have mercy what in the devil were you thinking tiling your damn swimming pool with platinum tiles? Seriously? Are you on drugs? Did you really think those tremendous tetas of yours were going to allow you to trade on your sex appeal for the rest of your life? Guuurrrl, pleeze. You should have been more prudent with your damn dollars and put some away for a rainy day instead of tiling your damn swimming pool in platinum. Pleeze.

Anyhoo, Miss Pam, who told Mister Swash she was planning to sell the house in the Colony, is currently living in a Malibu trailer park with her electrician boyfriend Jamie Padgett. Listen chickens, don't be fooled by the words "trailer park." While she does live in what is technically a manufactured mobile home in a Malibu trailer park, trust Your Mama when we tell you these "trailers" in the Paradise Cove Mobilehome Park can easily cost a half a million smackers or much more depending on the proximity to the beach. Like all them real estates says, location, location, location, butter beans. Like it or not, a "trailer" on the ocean in Malibu is still worth many times that of a house in less coastal environments. We're sure some of you people in less coastal environments will have something to say about that.

It was only a few weeks ago that Avril "I'm a punk rock chick" Lavigne dumped her huzband Deryck Whibley and bee-hawtcha is already rumored and reported to be house hunting with another man. And that man–believe it or not my little beauties–is Brandon Davis. That's right, he of the Lindsay Lohan "firecrotch" infamy. Riot gurl really knows how to pick 'em, don't she?

Recent reports reveal that Little Miss Acts Like A Rebellious Sixteen Year Old has been getting down and doing the bowm-chicka-bow-bow with the large lipped Hollywood scion who, apparently, dated–or did–both Paris and Nicky Hilton back in the early 2000s, an idea just too grotesque on so many levels that Your Mama is truly speechless on the subject.

All the reports say that Miss Lavigne, whose career seems to have hit a bit of molasses lately, is going to sell her big manse on Stratford Circle in the the Bel Air Crest gated community. Records and previous reports reveal Miss Lavigne bought the chunky, 12,184 square foot mansion in March of 2007, turning over $9,500,000 to sellers Travis Barker–from Blink 182–and his on again off again wife Shanna Moakler, the feisty former Miss USA who really gave it to that Christian gurl Carrie Prejean over the gay marriage.

Reports reveal that Mister Davis–who was widely reported to be broke, or next to–lives at Lionsgate, his mother's Bel Air estate that happens to be adjacent to the compound the Jonas Brothers recently leased and more recently vacated which is next door to Mister and Missus Jennifer Lopez's estate on St. Pierre Road, which has long been for sale with an asking price of $7,900,000. But we digress. Reports also reveal that Mister Davis and his soon to be dee-vorced faux punker ladee friend Avril have been spotted house hunting in the Hills of Beverly and Hollywood.

We shall see, but Your Mama–who doesn't know a paper plate from a Rolls Royce–is convinced that this unlikely and unholy pairing of Avril Lavigne and Brandon Davis will only end in tears and another multi-million dollar mansion for sale. Mark Your Mama's words on that one puppies.

UPDATE: Turns out The Spitter's dalience with Mister Davis was short lived because much more recent reports indicate she's holing up with Pineapple heir Justin Murdock who, as fer as Your Mama knows, still lives up on Laurel Way in the Bev Hills in a groovy ranch style house with a classic kidney shaped swimming pool.

Is anyone surprised that reports are starting to circulate that sassy and smug music mogul/American Idol gazillionaire isn't the best neighbor a person could ask for? According to an article in the Daily Mail forwarded to Your Mama by Leonard Londoner, Mister Cowell's new neighbors in Beverly Hills are all kinds of pissed off. They complain that Mister Cowell makes a lot of racket with late night parties and that he forbids construction workers to park in his driveway which means their trucks and cars clutter up the usually pristine N. Palm Drive. All these parked cars, quite natch, annoys residents who have to suffer the indignity of driving up to their ten million dollar mansions in their shiny rides only to have a dozen dirty trucks parked in front of the house. Quelle damage!

Mister Cowell recently moved into his recently completed mansion located just below Sunset Boo-layvard in the flats of Bev Hills and which reportedly includes a private solarium, indoor swimming pool, a private cinema, a home gym, more bedrooms than the moobish mogul will ever need and according to the Daily Mail, a Dynasty style marble stair case which seems a bit of a strange description of a staircase in what is essentially a very modern, very crisp, very black and white, very Armani Casa mansion.

According to deeds filed with the City of New York and a recent report by the always on top of things Max Abelson at the New York Observer's Manhattan Transfers column, egotastic artist/filmmaker Julian Schnabel has finally managed to unload the triplex penthouse unit at his much maligned, pinkish-red, quasi-Italianate tower on New York City's West 11th Street which he humorously named Palazzo Chupi.

The 3,845 square foot penthouse first came on the open market in early 2008 with a ridiculous asking price of $27,000,000. The price tag was soon, surprisingly and stoopidly, raised to an even more hair brained $32,000,000. The 3 bedroom, 3.5 pooper, 7 terrace triplex languished on the market for-evah and underwent several price chops before, according to property records, a Bay Area based financier named William J.P. Brady stepped in to relieve the financially beleaguered Mister Schnabel. The sale price, according to the deed, was a shocking $10,691,625. A few flicks of the well worn beads of our bejeweled abacus reveals that figures is exactly one-third of the highest asking price of $32,000,000.

If the name of the buyer seems familiar to any of the children it's because Mister Brady already owns one of the other units at Palazzo Chupi. Back in October of 2007 it was widely reported that Mister Brady forked over $15,500,000 for "Unit 1" of Mister Schnabel's 17-story pink palace. It's unclear why Mister Brady would want a second condo in the Chupi, but we're sure a man with as much money as he does has his sound but unfathomable reasons.

Besides Mister Schnabel–who is getting a very expensive dee-vorce from him long time wifey Olatz–and Mister Brady, the only other owner/resident of the tower is still smoking hot actor Richard Gere and his lucky wifey Carrie Lowell who tried to flip their condo at the Chupi soon after closing at a $5,000,000 profit. The comely couple quickly took their condo at the Chupi off the market, probably when they realized they severely overpaid and could never in a sinking market make their money back let along make a few million extra.

Mister Schnabel still has one more unit to sell at the Chupi, the 3,850 square foot doo-plex currently listed at $12,950,000. Given that he just fire-sold the triplex for ten million and change, Your Mama predicts the doo-plex will soon sell for even less...shall we say eight million and some change?


Anonymous said...

Trailers on the beach??? Dear Jesus! This is Malibu, not the Redneck Riviera (which, as of late, is decidedly more leisure class than working class)! Google Rosemary Beach FL, Watercolor FL, Alys Beach FL if you think I'm joking. Paradise found.

chris said...

What I would like to know is whether these moviestar types make their own decisions re real estate buys or whether some agent makes them for them. Don't most of them know that they are financial illiterates? And as such, entrust their business to agents who may also be financial illiterates and even dishonest to boot?

Anonymous said...

How sweet and quaint that Mama considers the three-decades-from-"American Gigolo" Richard Gere to be "smoking hot". Perhaps she is one of the few gals who found "Nights in Rodanthe" to be a dreamy diversion...

Viva! said...

Tamara and her hubby...they get what they deserve. Instead of buying a Rolex for her 40th birthday (she "deserved it" according to Tamara) they should have paid their mortgage.

Pam, whole other story. I loves me some Pam and have for decades. I'm surprised she isn't super duper rich. She's worked, quite consistently, for two decades now. I hope she gets everything sorted out. She's already got a boatload of work lined up in the UK. Best wishes for Pam!

Anonymous said...

Greasy Bear and The Spitter are a couple? Wit meets sophistication.

Anonymous said...

Paradise Cove "trailers" almost always go for more than 500k. A typical Paradise Cove price is over $1 million, and a few have been listed at more than $2.5million.

Renting or leasing a place in pardise Cove while your Colony house is being remodeled is not odd. Basically the places are cottages close to the beach. The only way they would be "mobile" is if an 9.0 earthquake hit.

Anonymous said...

Didn't think Avril was doing the nasty with sweaty Brandon Davis, but with the Dole heir, Justin Murdoch.

Anonymous said...

Oh Mama, that was a great Mish Mash column. A virtual nerve pill for my manic Monday. Platinum tiles! Divorces! Bankruptcy! Chupi!

Anonymous said...

Do any of these people have any money anymore?

Anonymous said...

does anyone know if mr. schnabels kiddo is still engaged or even now married to that hot piece Mr. John Frusciante? Or is he still free for the takin'?

Anonymous said...

Just goes to show, truth is always stranger than fiction.

SGM said...

According to the RHOC previews, Tamra and Simon ARE headed for dee-vorce. Money troubles do put strain on a marriage....

Anonymous said...

hey 7:48, it's Murdock, not Murdoch when referring to the Dole fortunes!

Anonymous said...

Most Paradise Cove mobile homes ceased to be mobile years ago. Owners built traditional construction additions and modified the mobile homes to where they are as permanent as a regular house. It's a trailer park in name only. The older children might know the Paradise Cove parking lot as the location of Jim Rockford's trailer on the Rockford Files.

Gere is smokin hot. Don't have to like his movies to appreciate his looks.