Thursday, April 9, 2009

Let's Do The The Mish-Mash This Morning

Buckle your seat belts babies because Your Mama is sitting on a mountain of miscellaneous celebrity real estate rumors and juicy tidbits that we need to clear off our plate and we think are best dealt with in a mish-mash manner.

All the celebrity real estate hounds can breathe a sigh of collective relief because after an exhaustive search through every damn fifteen million dollar house on the Westside of Los Angeles not only did Garfleck or Jenben (or whatever the gossip glossies call Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner) finally buy a new house, we hear they've sold their old one too. Halle-damn-lujah! That's what Your Mama calls a gen-u-wine real estate mitzvah.

As Your Mama mentioned back in early March, Jennifleck (or whatever) finally decided on a perfectly private and classic Cliff May designed ranch house in a posh part of the Pacific Palisades being sold by dee-vorcing super producer Brian Grazer and his third wifey, writer/producer Gigi Levangie Grazer.

The 3-acre compound on San Remo Drive first hit the open market way back in late 2006 with a sky-high asking price of $27,500,000. As the dueling duo's dee-vorce proceedings reached a fever pitch, the asking price dropped to a still quite pricey $24,500,000. Although we can not yet confirm a sale price with property records, Your Mama hears from the always scandalously well informed Donna Tellaitall that the security conscious couple coughed up, "20 million, or 19.7 or somewhere around that price."

The Garfleck's new digs, according to listing information, include a sprawling, multi-winged 8,000+ square foot single story residence that wraps around a large motor court at the end of a long, gated, and heavily secured celebrity style driveway. The main house includes 5 bedrooms and 8 bathrooms while a hidden guest house located under the backyard lawn has 2 more bedrooms and 3 more bathrooms. A third detached building holds an office, art studio, gym and, we hope, a terlit.

Miz Tellaitall also whispered in Your Mama's big ol' ear that Affner (or whatever) also managed to sell Miz Garner's long time house in Brentwood on N. Tigertail Road where they'd been shacking up since coupling up. Ages ago we heard through the gossip grapevine that the property was being shopped around off-market with an asking price around 8.5 million dollars, but Miz Tellaitall snitched that the selling price was somewhere in the neighborhood of 6.8 million clams. We'll all have to wait on pins and needles until the prop records clear to get a more accurate assessment of the numbers.

Now then, let's put this particular celebrity real estate baby to bed by toasting the happy home buyers with an early morning gin and tonic, a sincere hope of happiness in their new home and a very real wish they'll not go house hunting for at least 5 years.

Although Your Mama had heard she was touring ten million dollar properties in less thrilling locales like Encino and Studio City, we recently heard from a gabby gal we call Virginia Slim who revealed to us that–as was widely rumored and reported–whistle stop wonder Mariah Carey and her man-mate Nick Cannon did indeed have a peep and a poke around Fleur de Lys, the inordinately opulent Holmby Hills estate that couture clad dee-vorcee Suzanne Saperstein has long had on the market with a wheeze worthy asking price of $125,000,000.

We don't know whether the belly baring barely dressed babe made an offer on the palatial property and, interestingly, late last night we received a covert communique from the wonderfully loose lipped Donna Tellsitall in which she hinted that Mrs. Mariah and Mister Carey are actually in contract to buy something else. Unfortunately puppies, that's all we know at this point so don't be bugging and bothering us for more information about that rumor.

Several weeks ago, over a liquid lunch at a celeb-friendly restaurant on the Sunset Strip, our sexed up bean spiller Luwanda Courvoisier told us that Canadian crooner Michael Buble bought the house on Blue Jay Way owned by former ack-tress Michelle Johnson (Blame It On Rio). But with no records to be found of a sale, we simply sat on the information.

Then, a few days ago, we heard from Our Fairy Godmother in the Sunset Strip who whispered that Miz Johnson, who was once married to a pro ball player named Matt Williams, sold her house for just $4,100,000. It will no doubt delight the Chicken Littles to know that Miz Johnson's fully renovated residence first came on the open market back in February of 2008 with an asking price of $6,350,000, and number Your Mama's bejeweled abacus shows is a whopping $2,250,000 more than Mister Buble allegedly paid.

Soon after speaking to Our Fairy Godmother in the Sunset Strip we got on the horn to the always well informed Lucy Spillerguts who also told us that it is also her understanding that Mister Buble is the buyer of the 3 bedroom and 3.5 bathroom Bird Street aerie that has vertigo inducing views over the entire Los Angeles basin and sits di-rectly across the street from a house owned (but not occupid) by that poor romantically unlucky Jennifer Aniston ladee.

Speaking of real estate in The Bird Streets, Real People host turned entertainment tycoon Byron Allen has long been trying to sell a house high in the hills on Nightingale Drive. The 4 bedroom and 4 bathroom house was did up and done over by noted L.A. based designer Steve Hermann, the same man responsible for Christina Aguilera's former digs on Devlin Drive.

Mister Allen, who apparently never occupied the property, listed the 4 bedroom and 3.5 bathroom house more than two years ago with an asking price of $6,995,000. At some point, for reasons unfathomable to Your Mama, the asking price was increased to $7,995,000 even as the market sank like a damn stone.

But wise to the wisdom of pricing we clearly are not, because it was not until after the substantial price increase that someone actually wanted to buy Mister Bryon's real estate white elephant. And who might that buyer be y'all are surely wondering?

Well my pretties, we can not yet confirm this with property records because the deal is not yet done, but we hear from our dee-lishusly well informed (and wonderfully prolific) informant Donna Tellaitall that the buyer is none other than Megan Ellison, the young, allegedly lesbian daughter of billionaire Larry Ellison who back in early 2008, the children may recall, dumped a staggering $12,600,000 of daddy's dough to buy another Steve Hermann designed house on Nightingale Drive that happens to be right next door to Mister Allen's property.

When we inquired of Miz Tellaitall what Miss Ellison might want with the house next door to the one she already owns, she said she really did not know but speculated that perhaps the young ladee wants a guest house, a place to have parties, or maybe even that she wants to knock both houses down to build something else. Which would be, of course, inconceivably insane. But then again, far be it for Your Mama to question the strange real estate ways of the ridiculously rich.

Hold on to your britches children because it looks like former CSI siren Khandi Alexander my have finally sold her four floor quoin-set khrib in the hills above West Hollywood which she listed for sale back in early 2008 with an asking price of $4,495,000.

By July, the price had twice been kharate chopped bringingthe current asking price to $2,995,000 where is has languished ever since. However, glory be to God or Allah or whatever figment of the imagination y'all pray to, because according to the MLS, Miz Alexander's Woodshill Trail khrib is in escrow. That's right, we said it, in escrow.

We're just gonna cross our fingers and toes and hope for the best because Your Mama likes the smoldering Miz Alexander and we honestly hope her real estate melodrama comes to a quick end.

As the children know, hair challenged actor Nic Cage owns about 47 houses around the world. Once the global economy began to sputter, cough and keel over, he listed about 72 of them for sale including a 28-room Bavarian castle he bought in July of 2006. About a zillion recent reports reveal the eccentric celeb sold the 395-acre estate telling a German publication that, "Due to the difficult economic situation, unfortunately, I was no longer able to keep it."

Somewhat strangely, Mister Cage reportedly sold the 10 bedroom Schloss Neidstein to his German advisor for around $2,300,000.

Still on the market is Mister Cage's legendary Bel Air mansion which has been on (and off) the market for years. The asking price started in the stratosphere with an arrogant $35,000,000 asking price, but with no deep pocketed fool willing to pay that high a number, the price was recently reduced to a more manageable $19,750,000.

Keeping track of Mister Cage's extensive real estate portfolio is a full time job in itself and takes more time and effort than Your Mama has to give. Therefore we may not be entirely up to date on his real estate doings. However, as far as we know, he's still hoping to offload a number of his pricey properties including a large estate in Rhode Island, a private island in the Bahamas, and one of his two (or three depending on who you ask) houses in New Orleans. He may (or may not) also be hoping to sell his New York City pied a terre, which briefly appeared on the open market in late 2008 but was quickly removed for reasons unknown to Your Mama.


Mike Cook said...

Wow, Your Mama, you aren't fucking around today.

I love the house that Garfleck bought. Truly love it.

I am slightly obsessed with the Cage house in Rhode Island.

Now I'm exhausted and need a drink.

Anonymous said...

I makes me ill to think that a star of Nick Cage's calibur, with then literally hundreds of millions of dollars he's made over his career is in such financial troubles.

Anonymous said...

This post was infinitely hilarious.
You outdid yourself today.
Well done.

Anonymous said...

I love Nic's Bel Air house!

Anonymous said...

Ugh, did not care for the new ben/jen home. Soo many pretty homes out there, why that one?

Anonymous said...

I think Ben/Jen's new home isn't very impressive as well. I would much rather have the Mapleton Drive house they were rumored to be buying.

SID DELUCA said...

fabulous work Mama. When I grow up I wanna be just like you!

Anonymous said...

Your multiple variations on Jenufleck and your witty bitchiness had me in stitches for half an hour. Way to go Mama!

Anonymous said...

Mama, the language you use to breast-feed your babies is hilarious!! Keep it comin. We stay hungry!!!

Anonymous said...

I wonder how much the folks living in the mansard roofed house that is practically on top of the Bennifer's garage are holding out for? The Bennifer's definitely need to acquire that piece for their property to fully make sense. It just seems crazy to have that big a spread and still have to worry about what you're saying because there's a neighbor literally ten feet away. And besides it makes for a very awkward looking aerial!

Anonymous said...

nic cage's LA house is creepy cool. i dig it!

Anonymous said...

The garage wing is the only thing close to the neighboring house. The living space an exterior entertainment patios / pool are far away separated by the large house. I think its probably plenty private.

StPaulSnowman said...

Mish-mash is always worth waiting for and never disappoints. After all the permutations of their names, I like Garner, (probably because of Ol' James, but Affleck just sounds like something that is really hard to get off of your windshield. I hope they will be happy in their new expensive home. They will need plenty of Windex and paper towels to keep all that glass looking spiffy.
I can relate to Cage's love of houses if not the ability to collect them like snow globes. I hope Mama will be able to tell us, someday, which house he has chosen to keep and call home.

Anonymous said...

I love mish-mash!

sandpiper said...

Mama, you have outdone yourself -- again, if that's even possible!

My little brain is spinning on these seemingly arbitrary price reductions and your ability to sort it all out.

Anonymous said...

Eww gross the affleck / garner house disgusts me... its a dump

i saw it a long time back on mls and thought it sucked... why'd they buy that compared to all the other homes on the market in that price range presently???? it has sizeable land i guess but the house is just blah

Anonymous said...

The JenBen house is a beautiful, comfortable home, not garish like others in that price range. Let's hope they're happy there -- and that they get over those old towels they didn't get. blech.