Thursday, September 11, 2008

Producer Andrew Lazar Lists Los Angeles House

SELLER: Andrew Lazar
LOCATION: N. Clark Street, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $6,950,000
SIZE: 5,014 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 7.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Tuscan Villa of unparalleled quality and detail. Featuring distressed walnut floors, Roman courtyard, coffered ceilings, wrought iron details, game room, bar, 2 separate guest suites, gym, spa, pool and amazing city views.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Alright children, simmer down now. Your Mama already knows that most of you haven't an iota who this Andrew Lazar person is. We didn't either until about an hour ago. However, if y'all bothered to spend a few minutes searching the interweb before screechin' and hollerin' at Your Mama you'd quickly discover that Mister Lazar is an eclectic and successful film producer with big money making credits such at 10 Things I Hate About You, Cats & Dogs, Confessions of a Dangerous Mind and, most recently, the cinematic re-make of the fantabulous 1960s Mel Brooks television gem Get Smart.

At the present moment, it's unclear to Your Mama if Mister Lazar actually occupies this house or if he's leased it out to someone with deep pockets and an admirable ability not to clutter up a house with too much furniture and knick knacks. However, even if he doesn't shack up here, property records do reveal that the forty something producer purchased the house in August of 1995 for an undisclosed sum of money. We are certain one of you clever kids (or perhaps Mister Big Time) will be turn up that number, but a run through the records and databases that we use revealed nada. What we do know is that the 5,014 square foot house on Los Angeles' N. Clark Street was recently listed with an only very rich people need bother to look asking price of $6,950,000.

Listing information for the so-called "Tuscan Villa" with its "Roman courtyard" indicates that the 5 bedroom and 7.5 bathroom mini-estate includes a large living room and a dining room with be-yoo-tee-fully arched French doors. There is also an eat in kitchen with giant Viking range, a den, a rose colored family room, a puse painted library and, natch, a media room which all the Hollywood types will appreciate.

Somewhere, according to listing information, amid all those tile and walnut floored rooms are an art studio and a dance studio. While these may be lovely and functional rooms to have at home if you're Lucien Freud or Britney Spears, we expect that most people would prefer a home gym or a wine cellar to a ballet barre. The property also includes two separate (and we think that means detached) guest suites, a set up Your Mama find highly desirable. We cotton to the notion of being able to put up over night guests without fretting and fearing them spotting Your Mama roaming the house butt-nekkid in the middle of the night looking for a candy snack. That's right! Who can be bothered with a damn robe while crawling around half asleep with a deep need for a handful of cinnamon covered almonds at 3:30 am? Pleeze!

Anyhoo, other dee-luxe amenities that rich folks will appreciate include the sky high hedges which will help thwart the prying eyes of paps and nosy neighbors, a secure and gated driveway, a total of five fireplaces, including one on the Saltillo tile paved patio next to the skinny swimming pool, and a stair case in the living room that is just begging for the regular and dramatic greeting of guests.

But even though we'd certainly be willing to have a look-see at this property iffin we had six and some million clams to spend on a house in Tinseltown, which we don't, there are still a number of mostly resolvable issues that catch in our snarky craw:

1. The kitchen. Yes, children, it's big and has all those dee-lishus Viking appliances, but the ornate cabinetry with all those turned spindle things looks like it might be better suited to a freshly built behemoth in suburban Calabasas.

2. The master bathroom. We can tolerate the scalloped aluminum sinks (although just barely), but we can not abide by the $36.00 Home Despot light fixture above the vanity and we get the hives looking at that etched glass shower door. Your Mama's decorating rule #38 vehemently declares that no matter how expensive they may be, etched glass shower doors always look cheap and should be avoided whenever possible. Good lahwd children, Your Mama loathes those horrid things almost as much as we detest pot racks. Seriously. We'd sooner see a two dollar plastic shower curtain than some stoopid crane or mermaid etched into a glass panel.

3. The motor court. The pavered drive looks to be entirely too small in which to turn a limo around. This means, of course, that red carpet types will need to make an undignified walk down the steep driveway in heels and gowns unless the limo driver is skilled enough to reverse his long black behemoth up the curving driveway.

4. We're also a wee bit unsure how we feel about that crow's nest terrace hoozy-goozy thing sitting up on the roof with the intricate wrought iron canopy. While we do imagine that is a lovely spot to while away a sultry Southern California afternoon catching up on all the gossip glossies and gazing over the little people below, we're concerned about the very real possibility of having that intricate iron work pattern turn up on sunburnt skin like some sort of henna tattoo.

Although we're certain that some of you snobby sorts will gripe and grouse that the location of this house is lacking due to the fact that residents and guests must pilot their Porsches' and motor their Mercedes' past all the less than posh apartment houses that line N. Clark Street just above Sunset Boo-lee-vard, it hasn't stopped any number of rich and famous folks from buying up properties in the area. For a number of years durty mommy X-Tina Aguilera lived up the road on Devlin Drive in a exuberantly designed house currently for sale at $7,995,000 and last year super boob-toob producer Aaron Sorkin dumped $6,100,000 on a slick and recently rehabbed house just around the corner from Mister Lazar's property. When she decided to spend more time in New York, super model Giselle Bundchen took in $3,980,000 when sold her west coast base on Devlin Drive and just around the corner on itty bitty Ozeta Terrace is really rich Yahoo! heiress and alleged lezbian about Los Angeles Courtenay Semel's house that she was rumored and reported to share Sapphically with Lindsay Lohan before the on the skids ack-tress traded Miss Semel in for celebrity dj Samantha Ronson.

Your Mama doesn't have a clue where Mister Lazar lives if not here, nor are we 100% sure about the extent of his real estate portfolio. However, property records do show that he also owns a ski retreat in Mammoth Lakes and we would not be soo-prised to learn that he scooped up a property in Arizona where according to the 411 on the Internet Movie Data Base, his blond lady friend and fiancee Erica Zodtner works as a CBS news anchor.


Anonymous said...

He may be able to keep the place uncluttered, but why the realtor/photographer did not smooth down that duvet on the bed, I will never understand. It looks awful. Also, the walls could use a lighter color. It is so dark in this house.

That said. I don't mind this house, but I would have to get rid of some of the ornate woodwork on the island in the kitchen and elsewhere, though.

Madam Pince said...

That house gives me the vapors. And not in a good way.

Anonymous said...

It looks like it was inspired by Norma Desmond's home.

Alessandra said...

Bite your tongue, Anon 3:04pm! Norma Desmond's house was far less tacky than this.

It feels inauthentic to me. Too much ornate woodwork in some places, not enough in others. Maybe once inside, you get an entirely different vibe, but from these photos, I just don't love it.

The mussed up duvet is just wrong. Even if they're trying to go for casual, it makes me want to go make his bed for him and I'm not a maid.

lil' gay boy said...


Not feelin' it; not a thing (except, perhaps, a tad quesy).

As Mama has pointed out, it's not the most glam neighborhood, and I would be disinclined to scale that driveway sans sherpa.

It just tries too hard and misses the mark again & again; from the filigree "batting cage" on the roof that Mama so wittily describes in #4 (henna tattoo, indeed!), to the dizzying diagonal flooring, to the penurious pool and the too numerous arched windows (a focal point yes, but a theme? No.)

About as "Tuscan" as Taco Bell.

so_chic_darling said...

Tuscany? Cabo maybe.

Anonymous said...

Nouveau riche, California style is what I fear. Biting on a pencil to relieve my clenched jaws. This is painful.

Anonymous said...

OH...No. It's tacky, overdone, Norma Desmond meets The OC.

pch said...

I think they overbuilt the lot. It's like building a great big house at the Beverly Hills edge of the Norma Triangle. Yeah, it's only a couple lots away from the big houses on Oakhurst, but it's still surrounded by the little houses and condos on Cynthia Street. From a practical perspective, if I'm dropping six large on a house, I want to be facing something in the same general category, I want the immediate neighbors to be roughly equivalent, or at least to have the potential. You're paying for construction, and though it isn't the worst architecture I've seen, it's far from the best.

Anonymous said...

Not Norma Desmond. Not the O.C. This place is absolutely horrible from top to bottom. The only style moniker that fits is "Naven Johnson-esque."

For the uninformed, Naven Johnson is Steve Martin's character in "The Jerk."

Anonymous said...

Yes, SoChicDarling is right. Its very Cabo! And I like Cabo, don't get me wrong. And I must agree with PCH, for $6.95 the neighboring homes should look as good as mine. No apartments! Granted, Clark St. is not the only street rising up from the strip that looks more like Beverly Center adjacent than mega-million hip. I think it would spoil the whole effect of thinking I had shelled out nearly $7M and had to drive the DB9 past my riff-raff friends that live just 'round the bend. Anways, my new assistant, Cheynne Slutty, looked around the internet and saw that the place was built in 1977 (looks like it!) and has 5,014 SF. Near as any of us here can tell, it was purchased in 1995 for $1.4, which seems mighty high for '95 but whadda I know, eh? That said, I have to admit... I sort of like it. A few changes here and there, and it could be nearly perfect. But then again, for $6.95? I'd still have to say no.

Anonymous said...

Is this fellow related to Swifty Lazar of Hollywood restaurant fame?

Anonymous said...

Anonymous 4:00,

No, Andrea Lazar is not related to the late, great super agent Irvin 'Swifty' Lazar. 'Swifty' and his wife, the late Mary Lazar, had no children.

Anonymous said...

I dated Andrew. Here's some fun tidbits about the house...

The property was bought in 1995, but it was leveled to the ground and rebuilt. The house that sits there now was finished around 2002. The architect was Lawrence Lazar, Andrew's twin brother. It took nearly 4 years to complete.

The pictures and description fail to mention or show a lot, including a full bar and billiards room. It had dark wood and red accents if I recall correctly. Kind of vampy.

Driveway is definitely steep and treacherous, but there's a roomy garage to fit 2 or 3 cars.

The tacky etched shower door in the master bathroom opens up to a shower that you could fit a party of 20 into---and has, trust me. Water jets and steam galore. There's also a jacuzzi tub in there that could fit at least 8 with plenty of elbow room---and let's not forget the classy sassy bidet.

There used to be a two detached structures from the house, a gym and a pool house. Maybe these are the "dance studio" and whatever else the other one was. There's also an outdoor jacuzzi.

The crow's nest gazebo has an iron spiral staircase that leads up to it from the pool deck area.

I remember him saying once that all of the balconies, large opening windows, and outdoor lounging areas were intentional so the house could be totally opened up for parties. It's an impractical bachelor house. Andrew used to throw parties that Dionysus would envy.

Nelly rented the house for $60k a month.

The kitchen cabinetry is actually pretty luxe and not nearly as offensive as it photographs. It's nice wood. The yellow kitchen tiles by the breakfast nook fireplace are extremely barfy, however.

Andrew has hardly lived in this house. To my knowledge, it's been rented out almost consistently since it's completion in '02.

The selling price on the house has been reduced.

It may be near the bottom on Clark St., but from inside the property you have total privacy and a great view. The neighbors can't see a thing.

No relation to Swifty.

I heard from a friend that Lazar's Mammoth property is currently undergoing renovations to become just as ostentatious.

He's a douche.

lil' gay boy said...

Oh, honey……if you don't have anything nice to say, please come sit by me.


Anonymous said...

Anonymous 1:02,

Like lil' gay boy said, if you've got nothing nice to say, by all means sit next to me!

That post is utterly delicious. A shower orgy?! Hilarious.