Saturday, September 6, 2008

A New Dog Patch for Dane Cook

BUYER: Dane Cook
LOCATION: Viewsite Drive, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $7,078,412
SIZE: 4,405 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 3.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Extraordinary modern oasis by Alessandro Munge-Munge/Leung Design Associates. Incredible secluded site with staggering views of the entire city, and all the way to the ocean. Extremely high quality materials such as Travertine Navona floors, Rift oak cabinetry, and African Namibia marble counter tops and bathrooms. Resort-style outdoor entertainment areas look out to a large flat grassy lawn and spectacular views.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Controversial comedian Dane Cook doesn't seem to win friends or influence people very well. Not only do many of his cohorts in comedy regularly and publicly accuse him of pilfering bits and jokes, he recently pissed off his neighbors at the West Hollywood apartment complex where he'd been living by not picking up after his Min Pin pooch Beast.

Although Mister Cook and his pee-pole vehemently denied the allegations of failing to do his dog doody duty, the polemic poop dispute became such a brouhaha that Mister Cook's landlord actually took the jokemeister to court in order to have him evicted...and won. Your Mama honestly feels that it is an utter travesty of the American justice system for our tax dollars to be spent on such nidorous nit picking, but not picking up after one's dog is an inexcusable disgust. We don't particularly like picking up after our long bodied bitches when they cop a squat in the shoe section of Barney's either, but children, both Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter always have a pocket full of plastic bags handy because a person has got to do what needs to be done when it comes to doggy defecation.

Although it must be more than a little humiliating to be given a legal (and very public) smack down for not picking up his canine's crap, as far as Your Mama's real estate obsessed ass is concerned, it's really Mister Cook who's getting the last laugh because in case the children did not already know–and Your Mama certainly did not before conducting a search on the interweb–Dane Cook is rich. Very rich. So rich, in fact, that he's recently packed up all his apparently unused poop bags and high tailed it out of his rented West Hollywood apartment complex laughing like a maniac all the way to his new super-dooper celebrity style house in the Hollywood Hills.

According to half a dozen of Your Mama's well connected tipsters including the insanely knowledgeable Lucy Spillerguts and also confirmed with property records we see that in August of 2008 the $9,000,000 man purchased a freshly rehabbed 4,405 square foot house on Viewsite Drive for a whopping $7,078,412. Don't act shocked now children, we told you that 36 year old Mister Cook was rich.

Anyhoo, listing information provided to Your Mama by Hollywood Hills Howard reveals that Mister Cook's new nest includes 4 bedrooms, 3.5 dee-lishusly sexxxy bathrooms slathered in acres of African marble, a large living room, a dining room with a wall full of wine fridges, and a sleek gore-may kitchen with gleaming white counter tops and several stools perfectly placed for sipping early morning Bloody Mary's while telepathically willing the toaster to make toast by itself.

Your Mama suspects the house was staged for the selling process which means the furnishings have likely been hauled back to Staging Lady in a Pink Toyota's furniture warehouse in Culver City. We do hope that S.L.I.A.P.T. left that silver drum chandelier in the dining room because we rather like that. It is also Your Mama's deepest desire that Mister Cook already be in the process of hiring a nice gay (and professional) decorator to do up his new digs because these sorts of slick, spare and glassy spaces are next to impossible for an amateur to pull off with any warmth, sincerity or success. Buying a bunch of expensive mail ordered stuff from Conran might be a good start but it won't turn this house into a home. We recommend Mister Cook give Your Mama a ringy dingy right quick so we can provide him with a short list of very good people.

We also hope (and pray) that Mister Cook has already been on the horn with The Help Company who can help him secure a masochistically minded gurl (or guy) who will actually enjoy spending 40 or 50 hours a week washing the miles of windows and floor to ceiling glass featured in this house. Although it's really quite spectacular–and likely quite confusing for a bleary eyed boozy type–just thinking about the huge amount of glazing in the master bathroom sends shivers up and down our spine imagining what our hard working but seriously sassy house gurl Svetlana would say iffin Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter were ever to move into a house with this much glass. Ooo children, that gurl would roast us like a damn Peking Duck and start hyper ventilating about how she needs a Speedo wearing male assistant or she's going on strike. And you know what? She'd be justified.

The outside areas include several terraces and balconies including a wide covered patio overlooking the petite crescent shaped swimming pool, a spa and the carpet of lights beyond. This, children, is the kind of big view the can give even the most jaded Angeleno green jeans.

Fortunately for Mister Cook, the property occupies a raised and dee-voonly private promontory which will keep his fans from peeping in on him while he sunbathes in the nood as well as stymie any efforts by Dane Cook hating comedian Joe Rogan to toss rotten fruit through Mister Cook's windows. In fact, the street facade for this house presents a forbidding and nearly impenetrable concrete wall punctuated only by electronically operated garage doors offering space for three cars and a shiny entry door leading to an tunnel like stairway which rises up through a hole cut into the lawn next to the swimming pool deck. After ascending that glute grinder, residents and visitors must climb even more steps in order to reach the front door. While all this climbing firms the boo-tox and allows the property to have jet liner views of Los Angeles, let's just hope Mister Cook has a good number of physically healthy years ahead of him because this is most certainly not a house for the crippled, the wheezy or the wheelchair bound.

But perhaps most importantly, Mister Cook's new crib includes large lawn areas where he's free to let his four legged friend Beast crap til the cows come home and never pick it up.


Anonymous said...

Dermabrasion, Dane. STAT!

You can afford this house; attend to the skin. HDTV is going to turn you into a hermit - a comfortable hermit, but a hermit.

I say this with love.

Anonymous said...

Wow. All that house and zero talent.

Alessandra said...

I dig the master bath, the veranda and the view. Too bad that I don't dig men who fail to clean up after themselves or their pets.

Responsibility will get you laid, Dane.

Anonymous said...

TMZ wrote about this yesterday:

Anonymous said...

I think the current interiors are as dry as a popcorn fart. Some well placed warm steaming organic sculptures might possibly improve the white linearity of this place. That drum chandelier looks like it came out of a dentist's office. These interiors would be a perfect location for any film with lots of blood splatter. Otherwise, it's perfect and what a steal! If Ikea ever has a TV channel it will be the perfect give away home.

Anonymous said...

Hmmm, I think the Boston boy will be happy as a clam in his new digs.

The bathroom kinda gives me hives.

Nice veranda, though.

sandman said...

he's boston? usually boston boys are funny.
its really depressing to think that college kids think this guy has any talent...guess i'm getting old. nice house & view.
i would prefer it on a lake tho.

Anonymous said...

I think the house in beautiful. I saw this in person a month or so back. It's uber private and a very unique design.. kinda a modern interpretation of a farm house with the wrap around veranda.

I love the entry, the house set above the street with a stainless steel door and staircase leading in. I was not digging however, that like Jeff Lewis's Valley Oak II house, the front yard is co-mingling as a backyard with pool and all. Not sure how i'd feel about guests walking by the pool on the way to the front door of my house.

Also, the master shower is solid glass.... perfect for an exhibitionist I guess, but not practical for the majority of us.

Anne Peronne said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

which will keep his fans from peeping in on him while he sunbathes

I'm sure both of his fans will be very upset.

Nice house, for some reason I find it mildly depressing that he can afford it. Apparently he's smart enough to manage his money wisely.

I wonder if he'll let the dog in the house?

sandman said...

wow, thanks anne, you totally converted me, i am now a true believer that dane cook is a comedic genious

Anonymous said...

Aunt Mary?

You here?

How do I wash sarcasm off my shoes? This place was deeper in it than the 9th ward after Katrina.


Anonymous said...

Nice house - really nice house. Don't know who Dane Cook is - don't particularly care, either.

But Mama, I love,love you! I thoroughly enjoy reading your take on the real estate doings of these way-too-rich folks. Adore your skillful flare with the written word - funny, spot on and sarcastic as hell. You're my kind of gurl!

Many thanks for all the hard work you put into this each day. Your articles can always be counted on for a good chuckle. Gentle hugs to the long bodied bitches.

luke220 said...

I think that Anne 8:32 is his publicist.

I hope someone leaves him a big pile of poop on his new doorstep.

Nice house, though.

Anonymous said...

I think Anne 8:32 is Dane Cook.

Anonymous said...

That dead tree in the bathroom seems to be rising from a giant penis sculpture, which I'm sure in some way is symbolic of Dane Cook's career.

Anonymous said...

Luke & 8:41,

I'm sure it is just another fan who thinks Dane *knows* them personally. Kind of like that wacked out "Jackie" who showed up when Mama wrote about the guy from "House".

Anonymous said...

The dude's not even that funny.

If it's the college crowd that are following him, it speaks volumes about that generation.

Anonymous said...

Dane Cook is the man. I love the house. The view is terrific. Well played Dane.

lil' gay boy said...

Honestly didn't know who he was until I followed Mama's links; oh, him.

The house is lovely, however, with some Prairie-style touches that add some warmth that a lot of moderns can lack; with a nice gay decorator to add some color to those cold white walls, it could be a comfy stunner.

Despite it's odd entry sequence (Stairway To Heaven?), the lot seems to afford a nice blend of privacy & views; although on a bend in the street, giving it a lot of exposure, it is a dead end and I'm guessing there's not much traffic to worry about.

Sustaining the mortgage payments on what might be shaping up to be an iffy career is another thing, however.

Anne Peronne said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
pch said...

There's too much fussiness for my taste. You compound the effect of uber-articulation and rooflines galore with a complicated pergola/porch and an element- and furniture-filled pool/terrace area. With some editing, I think I'd like it. As is, I'm dizzy.

Anonymous said...

I have a question

if a home that sold for 7MM in 2001 is now on the market for 40MM and it has been on the market for 3 years with no takers, do the owners pay annual property taxes on the 7MM or the asking price of 20MM or somewhere in between ?

Anonymous said...

thanks for the comp. "a new record per sq. in sunset plaza "
should make it easier to sell some of the other houses on the market with this sale.. the appraiser's are singing danes praises.. atta boy.

chris said...

I love the bedroom with that teensy weensy little picture hanging over the bed. Looks to me as if someone is scared of art and can't risk having more than a teensy weensy bit of it, if any at all. Or is he afraid that a big picture might fall down and do him in in his sleep?

Anonymous said...

"if a home that sold for 7MM in 2001 is now on the market for 40MM and it has been on the market for 3 years with no takers, do the owners pay annual property taxes on the 7MM or the asking price of 20MM or somewhere in between?"

If it's in Los Angeles generally you would pay based upon the purchase price unless you pulled a permit and had some construction done. Fortunately for home owners the asking price doesn't enter into the equation.

Anonymous said...

The house is amazing, Dane Cook is a retard. I guess you can blame ignorant white folk who don't know good comedy for his fame.

I hope that crap factory pet of his lays a hot steamy one right on his expensive new floor coverings! Now that his residence belongs to him, maybe he'll understand his landlords frustration.

Anonymous said...

Obviously the current photos show the 'staged' furnishings for the sellers. He'll have his girlfriends help him decorate it, right?

Anonymous said...

I can't believe that no talent douche can afford this. I hope his dog takes some big dumps in that pool.

Anonymous said...

Beautiful home. Love the bathroom. I really don't know what this Dane Cook does.

Anonymous said...

I think Dane is hysterical. And no, I'm not a 19 year old college student.

Plus, I'd so rather see Dane Cook in this gorgeous home than the Lohans, Hiltons, Ritchies, blah, blah, blah....blech.

Anyhoo,I'm sure he'll pay some designer beau coup dinero to decorate the place with fabulous modern furnishings -- to the nines. My only hope is that said designer finds a giant white ceramic monkey to place in the foyer.

Anonymous said...

One of the previous owners comitted suicide in the house, used to have ferraris in the garage with glass doors...... ex wife had to return for germany to collect the body

Anonymous said...

Anyone catch Dane Cook's interview with Ryan Seacrest?? Can't wait 'til the movie's out!!!

Anonymous said...

One man and a huge expensive house. Where the fuck did all that money come from? Did both his parents die and he used their inheritance money?