Monday, May 12, 2008

Mish Mash Monday

We're sorry to do this to all our real estate obsessed children who just like looking at pretty pictures of outrageously expensive homes, but Your Mama's Monday mish mash is going to be serious fuel for all the Chicken Littles out there who cheer and clap as the real estate market(s) continue to limp along in the after math of 2007s mortgage meltdown.

1. As Dolly Parton Would Say, "Here We Go Again..."
Oh lawhd children, it's not even seven a.m. in the damn morning and the White Lady's real estate problems are driving Your Mama to the booze cabinet for a little liquid fire to put in our morning coffee. Bear with us if we start slurring our words.

Now that we're spiked, let's start with the big news children, which is that the 4-1-1 is starting to slip out and get uploaded onto the real estate gossip grapevine regarding the averted foreclosure of beleaguered pop icon Michael Jackson's 2,700 acre Neverland Ranch located on Figueroa Mountain Road in the spectacular oak tree dotted hills near Los Olivos, CA.

According to news reports, the $23,500,000 (approx.) loan that had long been held by the preternaturally patient Fortress Investment Group was sold to a California based real estate investment firm known as Colony Capital just five days before the property was due to be auctioned off on the steps of the Santa Barbara County Courthouse.

Colony Capital and Mister Jackson are reported to be discussing "the ranch and other matters," and these Colony pee-pole are apparently "very comfortable" holding The White Lady's loan until they able to negotiate payment terms.

Payment terms? Other matters? Pleeze.

Only time will tell, but if Your Mama had to bet our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly, our money says that Colony Capital, as touchy-feely as they sound now, will not be nearly as patient as Fortress was regarding The White Lady's apparent lack of funds to service his overwhelming debt, of which this $23,500,000 loan is only the tip of the iceberg.

Michael! You listen to Your Mama now and you listen good. It is only a matter of time before you gotta give up that damn ranch. Only you know why you cling and cleave so tightly to the place you lived when accused (and then acquitted) of touching little boys inappropriately. But hunny, it is long past time to put that baby to bed and you know it. So, seriously Michael, git one of your cute little kids to dial up super-successful high-dollar real estate agent Suzanne Perkins at Sotheby's in Santa Barbara and let her sell that white elephant before all this gets ugly and embarrassing all over again. 'Cause iffin you don't sell this bitch off now, you know you're gonna land face first in a vat of foreclosure mud yet again. And to be honest Michael, Your Mama is at the end of our damn rope with this nonsense and genuinely fear the Dr. Cooter will have to ship us off to The Betty Ford if this crap does not get resolved...and quick.

2. Bisno Bizness Update
In other luxury property foreclosure bizness, we've learned that controversial Bev Hills based real estate developer Robert Bisno has once again managed to obtain a "temporary restraining order" to push back the date of his scheduled foreclosure auction to June 4, 2008. The children will recall that the really rich Mister Bisno somehow landed himself in some financial hot water and his gigantic Beverly Park mansion was scheduled to be sold (see third item) at auction over what the Priority Posting website shows is a defaulted debt of $5,382,794.02. Your Mama is flabbergasted that a man with Bisno's big bank accounts seemingly can't juggle his numbers and work his abacus in such a way that he would scare up five and some million clams to save his 11,984 square foot house. But who knows?

3. Real Estate Round Two With Frankie Muniz
After not enticing anyone to snatch it up when it was first listed back in December of 2007 for $3,875,000, Frankie Muniz has re-listed his N. Wetherly Drive home in the Hollywood Hills with a new real estate agent and a reduced asking price of $3,695,000, which ain't much more than the $3,499,000 property records indicate he paid for the 5 bedroom and 4 bathroom house in January of 2006.

4. Kathleen Turner Turns Over A New Price...Again
Another celebrity who seems to be having a bit of trouble unloading a high-priced house is Oscar nominated actress Kathleen Turner. Gravel voiced Miz Turner long ago listed her house in the Hamptons for a rumored and reported $8,000,000 and Your Mama discussed the Amagansett property back in July of 2007 when it was re-listed at $6,995,000 after a minor make-over. The asking price was later karate chopped to $6,250,000 and according to the real estate gossip gurls at Newsday the asking price has once again been hacked, this time down to $5,900,000. The Newsday gurls also report that the 6 bedroom and 5.5 bathroom house is being sold as part of the dee-vorce settlement between Miz Turner and her estranged huzband Jay Weiss.

Your Mama feels for Miz Turner having to contend with this bit of real estate drama. However, given that records show the tough and nails ladee paid only $488,500 for the property back in 1990, we don't feel too terrible. Let's face it puppies, no matter what she sells the property for, she'll still be pocketing millions.

5. Putting Shorewood Manor To Bed
In other Hamptons real estate news, it's now being revealed that Shorewood Manor, the grand old 23-room Shelter Island grandma that was last listed $22,400,000 sold for just $12,400,000 to an as yet un-named Swiss bizness tycoon.

While that sales price sets some sort of record for Shelter Island real estate, it's a FAR cry from the fantasitical figure Shelter Island local Chris Knight was hoping to get when he snagged the property in early 2007 for $10,000,000 and flipped it back on to the market two weeks later with a blistering $33,000,000 asking price. Mister Knight was reportedly all smiles after the closing, but Your Mama imagines (we imagine people, imagine) that he's not at least a little disappointed that in the end he didn't make enough mooloah from flipping Shorewood Manor to retire young.

In case you're one of Your Mama's new children, we previously discussed this stunning piece of real estate here and here and we recounted our own experiences trespassing on the property here.


Alessandra said...

Wow...that's a major karate chop for Shorewood Manor. Let's hope that Mr. Swiss Watch takes good care of the place.

Bisno's no dummy. The restraining order on the foreclosure was smart. We'll see if he can pull together the finances to save the house.

If I were Colony Capital, the only payment plan I'd float is "Where's my damn money plus interest, bitch?" Because seriously, not to be all evil Mr. Burns, but I'd be salivating on the day I could get my hands on that property and do something with it.

Anonymous said...

1. Michael - the good news: he now has an opportunity to sell the place, and save face. The bad news: He won't, convinced that Peter Pan will come swooping down to his rescue any day now.

2. Hamptons - N.Y. Daily Post is reporting that

"Homeowners in the some of the toniest ZIP codes in the Hamptons are facing a frightening reality - they can't afford to foot the bill for their high-priced homes, The Post has learned.

In the first three months of this year, banks have launched preliminary foreclosure actions - known as lis pendens proceedings - against a record 120 borrowers in East Hampton and Southampton towns."

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry children but Chicken Little was just found dead in his cage,he drowned in his own poop.

Anonymous said...

The S&P Case/Shiller Home Price Index, which tracks 20 of the largest housing markets, showed prices plummeting by 12.7% in the 12 months ending February 2008.

Meanwhile, foreclosure filings more than doubled in the first three months of 2008, spiking 112%So far this year 156,463 families have lost their homes to repossessions.

Oil record high, Dollar all time low, Trade Deficit all time high, National Debt all time high.Everything is fine.No need to worry.The horse of Troje is still sleeping but for how long?

Anonymous said...

Mama, I loved the story about your criminal past that you linked to the Shorewood Shelter Island house. Oh, Mama, back in the day I would have been on the handlebars of your bike leading the trespassing charge. Oh, I hope the new owner restores it. I would give eye teeth and some thigh fat to live in a space and place like this.

Remember Mama, no booze before noon. I don't care what clock you use.

lil' gay boy said...

Well, let's see:

1). I still think the only reason The White Lady is holding on to this sad, sad property is the fear of what might be discovered should it change hands. We all know the sheriff's department went over it with a "fine-toothed comb" during "the troubles", but 2,700 acres is a lot of land in which to hide who knows what; I won't speculate.

2). Given the comparatively small size of Mr. Bisno's home to that of his neighbors, it sounds like he's just being recalcitrant and contrary; "I don't owe that much and you can't make me pay it . . . " Time to grow up, little big man.

3). Seems like the housing slump has temporarily sidetracked Mr. Munoz's side career as a flipper; stick to the race cars, sonny.

4). The fabulous Ms Turner will indeed be a turner - of a decent profit, provided this early 1900's idyll sells at all; if not, it's still a lovely spot to curl up, watch the waves, and stick pins in the ex's voodoo doll.

5). Great bargain for our Swiss friend (I'll gladly take the shorefront cottage in exchange for keeping an eye on the renovations). No longer the current record holder for Shelter Island, Bumble Bee Manor recently hit the market (on less land) for a staggering $21.9M - yikes!

Anonymous said...

A speed read on the White Woman's new ranch backer suggests the role of benefactor in exchange for yet-to-be-disclosed / loosely defined payaback terms. Little to do with an irritating little mortgage payment coupon book.

Mr. Barrack is a fascinating study of nontraditional negotiation and cunning leverage.

I'm willing to speculate that within 90 days: 1) MJ will undergo painfully serious analysis to overcome / correct his confidence issues related to performing live; 2) he will become a headliner at Mr. Barrack's substantial portfolio of baby-boomer-destination gaming establishments; and 3) based on satifying specific expectations, MJ's Neverland debt may even be forgiven / erased.

Not asking anyone to challenge my hunch. I may well be all wet / all wrong and am making that crystal could happen.

As Our Mama always reminds us...these views and topics are meant to be nothing more than good clean fun.

Anonymous said...

Oh Sandpiper, that is an interesting take on the situation and probably one not considered by many.


StPaulSnowman said...

Sandpiper...your analysis is always elegant. I was expecting the Pale One to appear with Sistah Oprah to recount his woes and then.......Simon Cowell would materialize and pay off the hefty mortgage, as he is wont to do. Commercial breaks with messages from Restylane and Porcelana bleach cream would be shown. By the way, where is good buddy Elizabeth Taylor in all this? What are friends for?

Anonymous said...

snowman, Ms. Taylor's health has been on the wane, not that she hasn't been pretty busy herself.

Anonymous said...

What about Jose Canseco?

Anonymous said...

Sandpiper, looks like another avenue is Barrack has investments in vineyards. The Santa Ynez valley is becoming fairly well known for it winerys. Maybe they will start marketing "jesus juice" wines..

Anonymous said...

Farmer, you got that sawed off 22 handy? I'd like to borrow it for some target practice on Chicken Joe.

Anonymous said...

Snowman, speaking of MJ's posse, what's up with his spritual advisor, Rev. Jesse Jackson?

1:47...Winery biz? There's an interesting coincidence. Hummm. Mama's work is far from done on this mess.

lil' gay boy said...


God's work is far from done on this mess . . . .


StPaulSnowman said...

Sandpiper; I suspect the good reverend has a skilled task force which advised that the Fair One would be a good focus for him after his sad advocacy for poor Terry Schivo's parents. Nothing makes a politician look more earnest than involvement in human pathos....and poor MJ has that in spades.

Anonymous said...

Little Buddy and Snowman,


pch said...

Interesting theory, Sandpiper.

Did someone say this Barrack guy already owned a lot of land in the area? If so, maybe possible that he wants to foreclose on it himself, snap it up for less than market value, without competition from other buyers? Could it even work that way? Not my field of expertise...

Anonymous said...

Colony Capital is a group that is, shall we say, smart as shit. Methinks a little leverage into the White Lady's other assets (Let it Be??) might enter into the negotiations.

Anonymous said...

From all indications, Barrack is a five-star strategist. His deals seem less to do with the money; moreover, how the resulting actions play into a master vision. I'm blown away by this man's highly evolved emotional intelligence. I dig it.

MJ has just entered The Twilight Zone.

Anonymous said...

Your Shorewood Manor trespassing stories are so Andy Hardy, errr, with a twist! Thanks for sharing such great personal memories.

Anonymous said...

I just want Shorewood Manor. Plain and simple.

The White Lady, as I live and breathe. Sandpiper, I like the way you think.

lil' gay boy said...


I'll flip you for it . . .

Anonymous said...

Did you mean flip it for you? Either way works for me.