Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Another Orange County Housewife House on the Block

OWNER: Lauri Waring
LOCATION: Platinum Circle, Mission Viejo, CA
PRICE: $599,000
SIZE: 1,700 square feet (approx.), 3 bedrooms, 2.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Location, Location! Model perfect end unit just steps from beautiful play park & pool. Open floor plan w/ gourmet kitchen w/ large center island, cozy fireplace in family room & charming covered front porch. Upgraded throughout w/ Travertine flooring, designer carpet and paint, high baseboards & much more. Master bedroom features walk out balcony. Distressed hardwood floors in the spacious loft, perfect for home office. Private cul-de-sac end unit with pano views of hills, park & pool. Turnkey!

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Well, it must be official, Lauri Waring, one of The Housewives of Orange County, is selling her Mission Viejo condominium, which can only mean she must have married her stupendously rich suitor George. Now that she's got a big ring on her finger and a piece of paper in the vault that makes half of his stuff hers, she's free to part with her single mommy condominium. Because let's face it, if it all goes South with George, and Your Mama hopes it does not, this Orange County stereotype is NOT going back to a condominium. Not this time.

The Dr. Cooter and Your Mama watched The Housewives of Orange County program like it was CNN on an important news day, eyes glued to the screen, jaws on the floor, shushing our bitches Linda and Beverly every time they so much as moved one of their long bodies. Riveting television children, ri-va-ting.

The Housewives of Orange County was what reality television is meant to be where people unwittingly expose themselves in small and unconscious ways which provide viewers an unswerving and unvarnished look at a who they are and how their clocks tick. We're quite sure that when these brave bitches signed on for Housewives they had no idea just how nekkid they would appear. The show totally and successfully revealed who they really are behind all the make up, over-processed hair, plastic titties, fancy cars, and fat bank accounts.

The show title was a bit of a misnomer for Lauri, who was a single working gal who did not live in the gated enclave of Coto de Caza. She was no housewife. Oh no. That gurl had to earn her own money to pay the mortgage on her Mission Viejo condominium, and she had deal with her wayward children without the benefit of a helpful husband.

That is until she met George, a Republican land developer who showered Lauri with expensive gifts and lavish trips. Although you could tell that Lauri was trying to act nonchalant about her new beau and his vast income, you could tell that her spine was tingling and her skin was all goose fleshed when she thought about how much easier her life was going to be when she married George. We're not saying she's a gold digger, or that we blame her for thinking or feeling that her financial struggles were soon to be over. But come on now. How could a single mommy who sells insurance not be dazzled and drawn to a knight in a shining Ferrari who bought her a Mercedes and a big diamond ring just a few months after meeting?

Those of you that watched the program will recall that shortly after meeting Georgie boy Lauri moved into his sprawling house and let her daughter Ashley live in this condo on her own. That set up caused a lot of friction because Ashley did not maintain the condo as nicely as her mother had asked. Now that the condo is up for sale, we imagine poor Ashley has been booted and has to work to pay rent somewhere else in Orange County. Or maybe she moved in with George, too?

Your Mama really has such venom and bile for these sorts of condo developments in Orange County. We recognize that people need affordable places to live in Orange County, but we just find these cookie cutter developments to be depression inducing vortexes of "wish we had more money" mentalities. Of course, that's a generalization and not everyone in an Orange County condo aspires to live in Coto de Caza. But let's be honest, how many of those people paying $600,000 for a condo in Mission Viejo actually WANT to be living in a condo in Mission Viejo?

Lauri purchased her condo only in September of 2004 for $500,500. Which means that after fees she won't be making much money, but that doesn't really matter much anymore, does it?

And what does Your Mama think of the condo? We're sorry to say, but it's just another Orange County shrine to beige and banal interior design. Beige, beige, everywhere beige. We see the green couches, but they're just lost in a sea of beige. What's with all the damned beige? We're not saying the walls would be better painted red or orange, but all this beige is just so unimaginative and mind numbing, and, well, beige.

Your Mama would also like to note the small teddy bear on the bed in the master bedroom. We don't know whether this belongs to Lauri or to Ashley, but whatever the case it makes Your Mama's skin crawl to see a teddy bear sitting on grown up woman's bed. Ladies and gurls, Your Mama is of the opinion that as soon as Aunt Flo starts to visit, it's time to put the Barbie dolls and teddy bears in cold storage. Just as when the hair begins to sprout under a man's arms, it's time to put the GI Joe and Hot Wheels in the attic. Seriously, it's not cute. It's not. It's weird.

FYI: Vicki Gunvalson is selling her house also, and, according to many, many people, Slade Smiley has moved up to Los Angeles and his Coto house went into foreclosure. Could that be true?

Sources: Bravo TV,


Anonymous said...

Lauri's condo looks so much better than it did later on the show. Do you recall the general condition of the place and things like pet poop left just laying around on the rug when daughter Ashley lived there by herself? I learned to admire Lauri the day she walked into that squalor after having to break in and then beg for Ashley's attention, for managing to refrain from booting her moody spoiled brat of a daughter out on her keester.

Anonymous said...

gosh, just thinking of the misery that is life in orange county has really lifted my mood.

thanks maw!

as for the stuffed animals on the beds, perhaps its some sort of totem that says, "behind the plastic titties, bleached hair and deteriorating hoo-haas, we're just widdle girls who want a daddy to take care of us."

Anonymous said...

My husband Heather Poe bought me the kaa-utest set of plushie stuffed animals you can imagine: a family of industrious beavers--complete with grandpa with gun, and grandma wearing a corn-yellow wig!!

Has anyone ever had a better husband?

-Sister Mary Cheney

Anonymous said...

Jeesus Mama, I went through I don't know how many cups of coffee and two loads of laundry reading everything you posted today. Phew!

It's better than any ol' soap opera. :-)

luke220 said...

I hope that she doesn't put any of the proceeds towards more plastic surgery or else she is in danger of resembling "The White Lady".

Your Lusciousness said...

Yo, Mama! ;)

As phoenix said, Lauri's condo does look A LOT better--it was hard to recoup after that N-A-S-T-Y episode of the crying dirty Ashley...who can forget the cat vomit and poop??? And she probably did move in with George and Lauri 'cause heavens knows she couldn't even take care of her own place--rent free! GROSS. I was glued to the tube every week watching the juicy ridiculousness, but I must say, Lauri was more tolerable than the rest...She worked the plastic, silicone and bleach...with no shame...having us scream, you go! Work it!!!

But as ALWAYS, your juicy details and commentaries are awesome! Thanks mama!

Anonymous said...

ICK on the industrial, flourescent lights hanging from the kitchen ceiling.

And the "impressionist" painting precariously leaning against the wall by the tub is about to fall right into your bubble bath!

Just a generic condo, I agree.

Anonymous said...

its Mission VIEJO mamma


Anonymous said...

I see no gourmet in that kitchen. This looks like an inexpensive condo for a nobody. Nothing wrong with that. But there is nothing special about this house. I wouldn't buy it, even if the price is less than $600K.

Anonymous said...

MAMMA have u noticed i sign all my posts with ":)"

i have some good tips on the cusp.


Your Mama said...

bring 'em on smiley face. email your mama with those cuspy tips at realestalker@yahoo.com

Anonymous said...

George and Lauri are not married yet. Something about a prenup...

Anonymous said...

What a difference one year can make. Seems the Fairytale wedding of the dynamic duo and their attempt to sway the public about their blended Brady family is nothing but a bunch of hype. The Orange Count Superior Court has over a combined 500 orders brought against Waring and Mr. Money Bags, George Peterson's, respective X spouses. The deception of these two fame seekers and their outright abuse of their children and their ex spouses has been leaked into the media for all to see; the same media Waring and Peterson tried so hard to win over.

Welcome to the true Reality of Waring and Peterson's world...Check out these news articles and judge for yourself.