Friday, March 9, 2007

The 1980s Tomb of Loni Anderson

SELLER: Loni Anderson
LOCATION: Clerendon Road, Beverly Hills Post Office, CA
PRICE: $5,975,000
SIZE: 6,911 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 6.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Dramatic 2-story entry, wood-paneled library, gracious living rm, formal dining room & huge family room w/wet bar & beveled glass French doors throughout. Granite counter island kitchen w/butler's pantry, luxurious master suite w/sitting area and dual bathrooms, FP & terrace w/amazing views. Private yard w/outdoor wet bar, pool, spa & spectacular views.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Children, the first thing we want to tell you is that we have a soft spot in our hearts for Miss Loni Anderson. The first reason is that this poor lady had to lay down with and adopt a child with that freaky Burt Reynolds. And not the sexy, mustachioed and gum snapping Burt Reynolds from the early 1980s, but the broke down Burt Reynolds with the dyed black hair and smooth mover attitude he should have dropped long before he did.

Secondly we loved Loni's spot-on turn as Candy Spelling on Tori's amazingly funny show So noTORIous. Children, we don't mind telling you we cried for days when that show was cancelled. Your Mama loves Tori Spelling almost more than anyone else in Los Angeles.

But seriously, Loni hunny, that hair-do became a hair-don't back in 1987. Didn't anyone tell you? Your Mama would like to see you jump in your Jaguar and head on down to Frederic Fekkai and let him work that hair into the 21st century.

Could it really be any surprise to the children that lacquer haired Loni, who has scarcely changed one iota since she strutted her sexy stuff on WKRP in Cincinnati, would live up in a house that is embalmed in the 1980s the same way she is?

Your Mama is sorry to say, but besides the lovely, long view, there really isn't anything we like about this house. Sure, it's located in a secure, guard gated community. But it seems like all the celebrities are leaving this community...Tom Arnold recently sold his house, crooner Paul Anka, who lives three doors down from Loni, has his place on the market, as does Avril Lavigne, whose Mediterranean mess is six more doors down from Loni. Do the rich and famous know something about this neighborhood that we don't? Why doesn't anyone want to live up in this 'hood anymore?

There are a few items Your Mama finds particularly offensive about Loni's crib and we would be remiss if we did not discuss them. The first is, of course, that snow white baby grand pie-ana in the entrance hall. A piano in an entrance hall is almost always a decorating no-no. Besides, does anyone actually play that thing? If little Quentin likes to tickle the ivories, please, please get the boy a black one and put it somewhere besides the entrance hall.

Let's move into the library. Is this supposed to look like a room in an English countryside manor? Well, Loni, Your Mama is sorry to say, it does not. The paneling we can tolerate, but that green carpet disturbs and upsets us so intensely it has our di-beet-us acting up. We know that forest green shit is supposed to make the place look all classy and horse-y, but darling, not even the English aristocracy do this anymore.

A fireplace in the master bath is a nice romantic feature particularly if you like to take furtive baths with your gardener when huzband is at work. Typically Your Mama has no problem with master bathrooms sheathed in acres marble, but Loni, hunny, you picked entirely the wrong marble here. Your Mama feels strongly that this color and pattern would be much better suited to a county court house and not the luxury lavatory of a Hollywood icon.

Listen gurl, we don't know where you are moving once you sell this big ol' house up in Mulholland Estates, but you should call Your Mama and let us help you find a nice gay decorator to do up your new house. Seriously. Call us.

Sources: Coldwell Banker


Jennifer said...

Oh lawdy bee. Do you see the heart-shaped stained glass casement window in the entry? I do. And those swaggy window treatments make me think of a funeral home. Gak. Nice view though, if you could raze the house and start all over, it'd be even better!

First time to your blog. I love it!

Clara Gertrudis Pantanaggio said...

Hey - her taste is better than the hellified 14 million dollar atrocity those "trendy" Blankfeins are dumping. And you were downright flattering about that thing. Looking at that house too long could make your eyes bleed.
And, BTW, I think if all the celebutantes are moving out of the hood, that's a great reason to move in. Hood sounds like it's improving. Fireplace sounds cool, too.