Friday, March 30, 2007

Daniele Gaither's Mad House of Faux Finishes

SELLER: Daniele Gaither
LOCATION: Oak Glen Drive, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $1,099,000
SIZE: 2,138 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 2.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Romance and History define this 1926 Tudor originally built for silent film star Harry Langdon. Custom details abound with hardwood floors, tiled fireplace, curved arches, and high ceilings. Formal Living Room, Dining Room, and Den with 3 Bedrooms up and 2.5 Baths. Great indoor/outdoor flow, with Swimmers Spa, backyard and huge terraced decks. Kitchen has been remodeled. Very livable now, but could benefit greatly from some needed attention. Sold as is.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: In case the children don't know, Daniele Gaither is one of the very funny ladies that used to appear on the Mad TV, the only sketch comedy show Your Mama will ever watch (sorry SNL, we think some of you people are enormously funny as individuals, but unfortunately the program is just not that funny most of the time).

Now, Your Mama is quite sure these hard working funny people at Mad TV don't make nearly as much money as they should, so we would like to applaud Miz Gaither for taking some of her hard earned cash and making an effort at a sound real estate investment. However, property records would indicate Funny Lady is not going to be walking away with much more than she's put in. Miz Gaither purchased this house in July of 2005 for an undisclosed purchase price, but she did take a mortgage that would indicate she paid just under $1,000,000 for the house. So really, unfortunately, it would appear Miz Gaither is going to be lucky to break even on this property.

The first thing we would like to note is the relative absence of furniture and accessories in this house. Your Mama is not sure if this is because Miz Gaither didn't bother to furnish this house or if it's because she has already begun to move to a new residence. We hope it's the latter, because honestly, the house is a little depressing in it's lack of personal effects and decor.

Okay children, let's begin with the downstairs which Your Mama thinks has a decently resolved layout. The high ceilings and quasi baronial fireplace in the living room give the house a pleasantly modest grandeur and we absolutely appreciate the the French doors to the backyard. But all the children must know we have very serious issues with that faux painting treatment. If someone wants to throw up some Venetian plaster or glaze the walls, we can support that. But hunnies, Your Mama recommends that you just say "NO" to those horrible sponge painting treatments that low end decorators foisted upon the masses in the early 1990s.

The well sized dining room also suffers from a dreadful and perplexing faux finish situation. This finish manages to be even more upsetting than the holy mess we saw in the living room. The spotted, mottled brown color looks like the inside of someone in-test-ines before they've had a proper high colonic. We know that's nasty Miz Gaither, and all due respect, but that paint finish has us reaching for the vomit bag.

On to the kitchen. We like the Viking range and the slate flooring. We appreciate the large pantry area and the access to the backyard which makes grilling easier. But here again we have yet another disturbing faux finish paint treatment on the back wall. Lawhd hunny, who told you all that faux finishing was a good idea? Please let us know because Your Mama would like to meet that person in a dark alley and give them a serious beat down.

Upstairs in the girlee pink master bedroom at the front of the house we are thankfully spared a faux finish treatment. The room has a lovely amount of closet space but the bathroom is so small it's for skinny bitches only. We might consider busting through that walk in closet to make a bathroom wide enough for our thick thighs and Volkswagan Passat sized backside.

The bedroom at the back of the house, which Gaither appears to use as an office, has a great wall of French doors to a back deck and the upper level of the backyard. We are even liking the dark walls. But the ceiling fan looks like the cheapest one available at the Home Despot and really should be replaced with something more dignified.

The terraced backyard, with it's easy maintenance slate patio and rejuvenating swim spa makes this backyard appealing. Very little maintenance will be required here by one of the team of Mexican gardeners everyone in Los Angles hires to maintain their yards...just a little sweeping of the slate and watering of the potted plants.

Clearly Miz Gaither has a penchant for animal skin rugs. We're not sure why or what that says about her psychologically, but we are positive a psychiatrist would want to discuss these rugs with Miz Gaither for months.

There does not appear to be a driveway with this property, and overall, that could be the biggest problem we have. The wretched paint job can be fixed and the kitchen and baths can be replaced. But without off-street parking for our small fleet of BMWs, Your Mama simply could not consider purchasing this house.

We sincerely hope Miz Gaither is able to sell this house at a profit and we sincerely hope that she uses some of that profit to hire a nice gay decorator to come up in her new house to steer her away from any more rag treated, faux finished walls.


NatD said...

Dear Lawd-the faux finish hurts my eyes!!

Also, I really hate how you have to go outside and through the media room to access the laundry. I'm sure the maid won't like getting caught in the rain while she's trying to wash your delicates.

Anonymous said...

The kitchen is ok, until you get to the oven and refrigerator, it doesn't go at all. I mean that refrigerator looks like the one in my garage.

David said...

Here is another nice article on faux finishes.
Bellagio Faux

Del Mar Luxury Homes said...

Feux finishes can look great if done properly. I've seen a lot of people make big mistakes with it. You can Google professional feax painters to find a qualified professional in any neighborhood.

Del Mar Luxury Homes said...

Sorry... meant to spell it "faux"