Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Dan Marino in Fort Lauderdale

SELLER: Dan Marino
LOCATION: 3415 Stallion Lane, Weston, Fl
PRICE: $14,500,000 (reduced from $15,900,000 after more than one year on the market)
SIZE: 19,496 square feet, 10 bedrooms, 12 full and 2 half bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Located on the private, gated suburban community of Windmill Ranch Estates, Fort Lauderdale, this spectacular Mediterranean estate sits on 4.3 acres of prime land. Surrounded by water, this luxurious residence offers expansive interiors and lush outdoor sites for entertaining, and it's ideal as a private retreat. This 15,053 sq. ft. Mediterranean residence offers incredible features throughout. With top of the line finishes and intricate details, this property features a total of 10 bedrooms and 12 & 2 half baths. A wine cellar, media room, over sized gourmet kitchen with breakfast nook, a formal dining room, and 2 separate guest houses complete with all amenities. The exterior grounds offer unique features with a resort like feel. A luxurious heated pool with marble and mosaic inlays, a waterfall Jacuzzi spa surrounded by a beautiful pergola and sitting area with wood burning fireplace, volleyball court, putting green and a tranquil lake offer an extremely private and relaxing oasis.

Your Mama wants all the children to be sure and check out the video of the property which can be linked to from the property listing.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Children, surely y'all remember Fiona Trambeau, our potty mouthed pal out in San Francisco who has consulted on some of our postings about sports figures. When we told her we were going to be discussing ex-Miami Dolphin Dan Marino's tremendous estate just outside of Ft. Lauderdale, she begged, pleaded and, strangely, sent us photos of her indecently manicured hoo-ha in order to convince us to let her write up the post. Anyone who reads our blog knows Fiona is capital "N" nasty so all you prudes, Christians, and teenagers should proceed and read at your own risk because as is customary for Miss Trambeau, she spent more time discussing lewd and possibly illegal sexual acts than the real estate.

Freedom for the Stallion by Fiona Trambeau

Has there ever been a more apt sounding address in the annals of pro football meeting up with real estate than 3415 Stallion Lane? Why just writing it down makes me dewy-legged and reaching for the hem of my own garment. But what really shakes me to the core is imagining the very plausibly hefty-cocked Dan Marino being needled into sex in a room his wife has carefully drowned in pillow shams and gold brocade sheets from a Bed, Bath and Beyond display window. A window, I’m sure, nestled very conveniently within one of the thrilling malls in Broward County. For those not in the know, that’s where Fort Lauderdale is. And Fort Lauderdale is now “where the boys are,” as many of the self-respecting homos have left Miami to take up a more traditional existence in that neighboring town.

Danny’s $73,000 a month home confirms something I’ve seen time and time again … that the professional male athlete has certain needs outside of the gridiron that draw them to choose wives that cluck over excessive architecture and make questionable interior decorating choices. I shudder at what Mrs. Piazza might be foisting on my beloved, Mike.

But back to the task at hand. Why, I ask myself, would a former Miami Dolphin—who wore the very apt number “13” on his jersey—with perhaps the quickest release and one of the strongest arms in football history mire himself in 19, 546 square feet of tedious beige and green mediocrity? There can be no other answer except “Wifey.” In this case, Claire Marino.

One has to wonder why anyone might need this much space. However, I imagine that the two extra guest-houses might come in handy. Especially when it’s time for stashing the illegal alien help from the pesky “federales.”

With the exception of the wine room—where it is easy for a gal like me to imagine myself splayed over boxes of a very, and I mean very dry Reisling while wearing nothing but one of Dan’s vintage jerseys rolled up cowl-necked as he works on his fabled release drills—it is truly a house of horrors.

Dan may look like a baby-faced Methodist carrying a big secret, but why does he choose to hide behind an exterior that wouldn’t be out of place in an upscale housing tract in Fresno, the armpit of California? From the 12 full bathrooms clear through to a living room that seems designed to soothe aristocratic southern alcoholics at a very expensive rest home, it is obvious to me that this is a home where sex only happens when the wife and kids are sleeping.

A professional hockey playing ex of mine once referred to my Joyeaux de le Matin as the Garden of Eden. And I've made a career of sorts out of knowing how to scamper along the parapets of ecstasy as silently as light reflecting off the smooth surfaces of a man made lake. So, if no one objects, I'll forgo Wisteria and just head on down to Stallion Lane after the little ones and the Marino Mrs. say their nightly prayers before drifting off in a haze of Ambien. I promise not to wake a soul while #13 enjoys his freedom by putting his gardening tool to the kind of expert and diligent use our good Lord intended. After all, we're all good Christians here!

Now, where's that "Do Not Disturb" sign because Miz Trambeau needs some time alone in her room with Marvin Gaye swinging sweetly on the stereo and visions of Danny boy dancing across my heaving body...

Sources: Sol Sotheby's International Realty, Wall Street Journal


Anonymous said...

Mama, please don't ever let the woman write another critique again on this site, half of it didn't make any sense and the other half sucked. I'm not trying to be mean, I am just being truthful.

Anonymous said...

You must be a methodist. I thought it was hi-larious.
And now I gotta find out if Dan Marino has a bigger dick than my husband Heather Poe.

Like I didn't have enough to do already ...


Sister Mary Cheney.

Anonymous said...

It would appear the house is furnished in NYC Upper East Side luxury but placed in the middle of the tropics. Off-putting!

And that rack of pots and pans hanging in the kitchen - it looks like it's about to pull the whole house down!

Anonymous said...

It's a hideous 20 thousand foot thing. What do people do with 20,000 feet anyway?

Miami Architect

Anonymous said...

I hate it when people question why others have large houses, it's none of your business! He can have any size house he wants, if that's what he chooses then that's his decision which has absolutely NOTHING to do with you, nor does it concern you so mind your own damn business!

Anonymous said...

This critique is truly disturbing to me. Most of it did not make sense, the rest was insulting. Dan and Claire are wonderful people who have contributed so much time and money to the community around them. What business is it of yours how big their house is? And for the record Dan is not Methodist, he is Catholic.

Alyssa said...

I drove past Marino's house today and it looks even better in person. It is truely paradise.
You can't dis it until you see it with your own eyes.