Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Yo Dawgs, It's The Randy Jackson Crib

SELLER: Randy Jackson
LOCATION: Otis Avenue, Tarzana, CA
PRICE: $2,999,876
SIZE: 5,878 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 7.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Private driveway. Secure and secluded. 5 bedrooms and 7.5 baths. Custom Villa on over half an acre. Guest house, pool and spa. Over 5,800 sq. ft. in main house. Large romantic master w/ his and hers baths. Pecan wood throughout. Chef's kitchen. Breakfast room and butlers pantry. Large formal dining, huge family room w/ limestone fireplace and wood beam ceilings. Amazing private yard. Simply stated, it's a beautiful Gem, Showed cold! 10 plus!

YOUR MAMAS UPDATE: The property has been reduced from $3,199,000 to the rather unusual asking price of $2,999,876.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: When American Idol judge and star maker Randy Jackson leaves the big thee-a-ter and heads home for some rest and relaxation, he drives over into Tarzana. That's right babies, you heard Your Mama correctly, Tarzana? Lawhd hunnies, does anyone even know where that is?

Gossip fiends might recognize the name of the place even if they can't locate it on a map. Kevin Federline lays up in Tarzana with two of his four kiddies while that troubled Britney gurl gets her act together at the Promises rehab center in Malee-boo and their lawyers draw up the dee-vorce papers. According to the inestimable Ruth Ryon, doyenne of the Hot Properties column in the LA Times, Jaime Presely also calls this community home. Well, at least until she sells the the house she recently listed for $1,400,000.

Anyhoo, long before the juggernaut that is American Idol, Mister Jackson had an enormously successful and well respected career as a session musician and music producer whose credits include many hundreds of gold and platinum albums. Never shy to toot his own horn, this dawg does not evah miss an opportunity to let the television audience know he has worked with such illustrious artists as Whitney Houston, Madonna, Elton John, and Mariah Carey. What's odd about him constantly bragging about working with Mariah is that Jackson was responsible for writing and producing a couple of songs on her universally panned Glitter album and also for a couple songs on her lackluster Charmbracelet album. She may be a superstar, but certainly Jackson's achieved much greater success with other artists.

As all the children probably know, this American Idol program, now in it's 49th or 104th cycle or something, airs a mind boggling and frustrating three times a week. Lawhd babies, we don't want to, but Your Mama can not help but watch this program. It's on all the damn time. It's almost as bad as those Law and Order programs which air so frequently they haunt Your Mama in our sleep. Not only that, American Idol interferes with our ability to watch that irresistible Trya Banks mess America's Next Top Model. Don't lie children, we know you love it too.

We know American Idol pulls in a huge, obsessed audience and remains stupendously popular. But Your Mama will confess to all our children that we find the quibbling between the judges downright irritating. If we could, we would reach into that television and smack these people. Not only that, all that sassing has a false ring to it. We can't prove it, but Your Mama would bet the lives of our bitches Linda and Beverly that all the bickering and brawling is contractually obligated.

On a side note here, has anyone noticed that Miss Paula Abdul has not seemed nearly as befuddled and zoned out as during the press tour leading up the to show? Remember those interviews with her writhing and rambling desperately trying to keep her eyes open? This bitch claims she's never been drunk. Please.

Your Mama knows that some of you American Idol fans can be a little intense so we're going to keep the street number of Mister Jackson's house locked up in our vault. Even still, don't none of you nut jobs get any crazy ideas about driving your Saturn out to Tarzana and cruising up and down Otis Avenue looking for this house. That would just be wasting gas you surely can't afford to waste. See babies, Mr. Jackson's residence is tucked back behind another house and you should believe Your Mama when we tell you that the house can not be seen from the street.

Other than it's Tarzana location, we don't have a lot of negative feelings about this house.
Mister Jackson's Mediterranean manse is accessed down a long, gated drive. And all the children know how much Your Mama loves a long gated drive. The decor is mostly in good taste if not our taste. Of course we would have preferred not to see the upright piano and guitars pushed up into the corner of the family room, but this is the home of a musician, so we can accept this.

The only other serious issue we have with this house are the bare walls. Your Mama was able to see many more photos of this property than we have presented here. Most of the walls remain perplexedly bare. Mister Jackson didn't get rich from American Idol, he's been rich for a good long time. Why hasn't this man invested in some nice pictures to put on the walls? Seriously. We love a plasma television, in fact Your Mama just bought one to put over our fireplace, but they do not and can not take the place of a nice piece of artwork. Mister Jackson, if you're reading this, shoot Your Mama an email, we can help you get get in touch with an art buyer who will help you build a collection worthy of someone of your wealth and stature.

According to property records, Mister Jackson purchased this home in May of 2005. Your Mama isn't knowledgeable as to where Mister Jackson and his family will be moving, but we have a hunch it's will be someplace a little less humble. And we hope, not in Tarzana.


Anonymous said...

Okay I have just turned into a fan of your site. Just saw this for the second time and you blow me away MOMMA!!!!! YOU ROCK! :) :D

Unknown said...

Tarzana. Next to Woodland Hills. Where I went to High School. Um, yeah. HOme of Pierce Jr College. That's pretty much it. Not much happening in the western end of the Valley, but lots of celebs live out there anyways. Go figure!

Anonymous said...

The hills area s.of vent.blvd, is very private ..