Monday, January 15, 2007

This Time, Cher Flips Out

LOCATION:Camino Sur, Palm Springs, California
PRICE: $2,495,000
SIZE: 4,000 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 4.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: (shortened from the listing agent's website) This standing monument of beauty, tradition, and culture was created by the inspirations of Cher who knows and lives the lifestyle of a privileged few. Exquisite details emulate throughout 4,000 square feet of custom architecture and design. Not a feature overlooked from high end travertine, granite, lighting, carpeting, appliances, and cabinetry. The voluptuous master suite features his and her wardrobe rooms, fireplace, wet bar and adjoining foyer.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Your Mama is very bizzy the last couple of days selling some houses so we can pay the mortgage and feed our bitches Linda and Beverly. But we know all the children out there are hungry for some celebrity real estate meat so we're going dash one off here real quick before we scurry out to meet some clients.

Now babies, Your Mama grew up on Cher, watching her flip that long, shiny hair and lickin' those glossy lips in her freaky Bob Mackie outfits. We would sit mesmerized in front of the television as she laid across that pie-ana and sang about gypsies, tramps and thieves and our skin would goose bump when she belted out that song about a dark lady who laughs and midnight.

Of course, we've all seen what's become of Cher the last 10 or 15 years. Poor thing. We're thinking she and Michael Jackson probably have a lot to talk about, don't you hunnies? At least she's still got her devoted gays, oodles of bar remixes, a huge catalog of music, and of course, that lovable trademark who gives a shit what you think attitude. So we know this lady could care less what Your Mama thinks about her excessive nips, tucks, and injections let alone her questionable interior decorating notions.

Your Mama always tries to find some good in what we're discussing. But babies, get ready now, because even though we love Cher from way back, we don't have anything positive to say about this property she's flipping for a considerable profit.

We don't know if Cher, who claims to love the Palm Springs lifestyle, intended to occupy this dwelling. We certainly can not imagine that happening after having a look at the photos. No, no, no. We do know she purchased this home in 2004 for just $650,000 and proceeded to give it the same sort of make-over she's given her face: she's added on, had the rough edges smoothed out, buffed it, shined it and had it staged to within an inch of it's life. Children, we know that's a wee bit mean, but you know it's true.

When we heard Cher was flipping this house, Your Mama figured the house would be dressed up like some high drama Bob Mackie baroness dripping in feathers and beads. But instead what do we see here? A middle brow matron with a big taste for beige. I'm sure there are buyers who will appreciate all those "neutral" wall colors, but Your Mama finds all that beige color to be coma inducing.

Two additional details we're going to take issue with and then we're going to drop this thing before Your Mama becomes suicidal from an overdose of beige.

That pear picture hanging on the dining room wall is an abomination. Did the decorator buy that at some discount furniture clearance house? Please. Get rid of it before someone comes in and drops dead from ugly shock.

And you know we're feeling squeamish about those photographs of Cher in the den-room. First of all it's just creepy. Secondly, it is a tacky way of reminding star-fucking house hunters they are in the "House of Cher." You know this is not necessary, because the LISTING says Cher owns this house, and children, every single one of you knows deep in your hearts the listing agent is going to let every damn potential buyer know this again and again.

Lahwd babies, Your Mama has done stroked out over this place now. It's 11 in the morning and we're going to pour ourselves a drink to get us through the day. You do the same.

Sources: LA Times Hot Properties, Coldwell Banker


Anonymous said...

whaddaya expect from someone who was born in the wagon of travelin' show?

it's just The Way of Love when it comes to a Dark Lady battling against her nature as a Half Breed while The Beat Goes On ...

Anonymous said...

ell, as you know, the house sold for about 1.9 million,...not a bad profit,in the super depressed Palm Springs market. Maybe thats why she is worth, half a Bil.... much of it made, from savvy real estate moves,and you are writing bitchy, queeny columns !Find a real job !

Anonymous said...

This writer is a disrespectful Jerk! Get a new job!