Tuesday, May 6, 2014

Missy Elliot Dumps Florida Condo

SELLER: Missy Elliot
LOCATION: Aventura, FL
PRICE: $1,450,000
SIZE: 4,740 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 5 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Your Mama first heard word from one of the celebrity property gossips at Redfin that pint-sized rap star and music producer Missy Elliott quietly sold her house-sized condo on William's Island in Aventura, FL, for $1,450,000.* While $1.45 million isn't exactly chump change to most people it's a far cry from the original, only, and optimistically tumescent $1.92 million asking price.

Property records show the five-time Grammy winning Miss Elliot—back in the professional saddle after a lengthy bout with Graves disease—acquired the 4,470 square foot house-sized condo in 2002 for $1.3 million and current listing details show the 19th floor spread has four bedrooms, five bathrooms and four bathrooms.

There are cool-under-foot, almost white marble tile floors throughout most of the entertaining and living space of the mid-floor condo crib while at least two of the bedrooms have quintessentially neutral wall-to-wall in a perfectly ordinary shade of tan. Long walls of essentially floor-to-ceiling glass, many of them fitted with brutally déclassé vertical blinds, slide open to four, glass-railed terraces that provide a bird's eye view across the dumb foundingly named Dumfounding Bay to the picket fence like row of hotel and condo towers that line up along Collins Avenue and the ocean beach.

In addition to a den, media room, and a center island eat-in kitchen with extra-chatoyant flat-fronted wood cabinets and high-grade appliances, there's a roomy if irregularly shaped main living space with some furnishings that really had Your Mama clutching our pearls. Did y'all take note of the trio of oddly and asymmetrically slumped two-tone burgundy leather sofas? How about the matching, two-stool bar? What in the world? What about the chair with fish aquarium for arms rests? Holy mackeral! (Although, on second thought the aquarium chair piece might be so crass and kitchy it's actually good Thoughts?)

Now, let's get to the elephant in that room: that built-in planter box smack in the center of the space out of which juts a metal(lic) sculpture that reads MiSSY! Have mercy and somebody please fetch Your Mama a nerve pill. Listen up here, butter beans, because Your Mama is about to impart a smidgen of sage decorative advice that you can—and should—carry with you for the rest of your life: If any of the children have ever wondered if a planter box set smack in the middle of your living room with a huge, self-adulating sculpture of your name with an exclamation point might be a fun idea, well, this is proof positive it is not. Not here in Miss Elliot's former digs in Aventura and not anywhere else, ever and/or for any reason. We would make a hard and fast rule about this but it seems something like this really should be able to go without saying, no?**

Anyhoodles, poodles, the 172-unit, 32-story condo complex, known as—ahem—the Residence du Cap, offers residents: 24-7 valet, concierge and security services; three on-site restaurants; a 27,000 square foot spa facility; a private marina and yacht club; 16 tennis courts; basement storage bins; teen and card rooms; and a heated pool and spa area with pool attendant to chase down towels and Bloody Marys.

As far as we can tell for a search of public property records, Miss Elliot still owns a fairly well secluded, approximately 6,300 square foot residence in Kinnelon, NJ. (That's about 30 or 35 miles north and west of Midtown Manhattan.) on almost 8 acres that she picked up in October 2000 for $1,190,000. She also appears to owns a, 11,000+ square foot, 16-room  residence that backs up to a hot dog-shaped pond on the outskirts of Virginia Beach, VA, that out research indicates she custom built for her mother.

*Aventura, for those who may not be intimate with Floridian georraphy, sits about 15 miles due north of South Beach.

**We also think—but can not confirm—that the greenery that fills the planter at the base of the "statue" is fake. And trust Your Mama when we say that none of y'all should suffer our flabbergasted diatribe on that particular faux-shrubbery shenanigans.

listing photos: Decorus Realty

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

Mama, did we not agree NO more Florida?? Perhaps that was only in my mind. Dumping is so appropriate for this. No more Mama, promise?

Anonymous said...

Just be glad she no longer has the Ferrari race car bed in the condo which she proudly displayed on MTV cribs

Rosco Mare said...

I give the day-core a misdemeanor.

John McKee said...

Does the staging lady in the pink Toyota have a burly gentleman with a sledge hammer and a dumpster friend in Florida?

Forget staging, this property would have probably sold quicker as partial demoed "designer's dream" than as is.

MarkyMark said...

from Merriam-Webster:

Full Definition of MESS

3 a : a disordered, untidy, offensive, or unpleasant state or condition <your room is in a mess

Anonymous said...

the children are forgetting that before the sculpture, that reads missy was a planter, it help fish. Missy Elliot did indeed show off that condo for MTV cribs and you could tell that they had jus placed fish in there for the tour. There were too many and they were to big. Strange. Missy Elliot is so super talented, maybe just not so much in the world that is overseen by Mama!!!

bentley said...

Mama, I am shocked, frankly, that you did not even touch on that hot gloomy mess of a bathroom. Yowza.

The aquarium chair, meh, I guess it has a certain cache.

Residence du Cap. Snicker.

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